Friday 25 December 2009

Fwd: Christ is the Reason for Christmas - Pass it on

Email from Zhuo'er which I got
-
Although its nothing much new  - I remember getting this a few years back,
but it's still worth sharing.
-----------------------------



Hello,
You will be surprised how many people doesn't know the real meaning of Christmas….so pass this on…and dun 'X' out Christ for 'Xmas'…Proclaim the real meaning of Christmas is what we need to doJ

   




 Jesus is Better than Santa
Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.
You have to stand in line to see Santa
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.
Santa's little helpers make toys
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.

 
May the Lord Bless and Watch over you and your loved ones this Christmas 2009
And may He prosper and bless the work of your hands in the New Year.
With Lots Of Love,

--
For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
                                                                                                                                                                               ~Romans 8:38-39

Thursday 24 December 2009

snippets of many thoughts of Christmas

recently I’ve not been posting much here
-
well I could say it for a number of reasons. The main on being that I cant do justice to my thoughts in the form of a blog
-
and the second is that I cant say everything I would want to say here



-----------------------
nevertheless
-
on Christmas eve
-
again I pose this question
-
why do people only want to celebrate Xmas - leave Christ out of the picture
substitute the divine glory and wonder, and profound mystery of Christ
-
for the cheap, worthless myth of ‘Santa Claus’
We know Santa Claus is a nice figure, a supposed old man who spreads cheer and gladness and love during Christmas
-
But isn’t Christ so much better, and so much more real?
Christ is the expression of God’s incomparable, incomprehensible love.
-
Christ is the greatest Gift from God to mankind.
No number of santa presents or anything could have been greater as God’s gift to save the world from the reality of sin and hell. To make a way to heaven through the Gift of His son
-
Yet we see the gospel, the good news of Christ being substituted for a mere myth. Or simply just the less important things like shopping, trees, parties...
-
Like the expression of casting pearls to swine. We present the greatest story and gift to mankind, yet men, in their blind depraved state cannot understand , and simply fling Christ out of the window.

“Leave religion out of it” says man,
“Christ is irrelevant to Xmas of today. We just want to hear the ‘good stuff’, we want Santa, gifts, presents, shopping, partying, merrymaking, fun”
“but we don’t want Christ”
-
hence my utter disappointment with the whole 3AMB Christmas event, in which i was involved as the organising commitee.
-
I would have gladly forfeited any Off-in-lieu, even to the extend of sigining extras...
if only Christmas could be celebrated the way it was meant to be celebrated,
if only people heard and knew about how special Christ was to Christmas...



-----------------------
its even the same with easter
-
I remember during one of the dry run rehearsals, the emcee who did an intro about the 32FMD skit
-
“Now we would like to invite 32FMD up to stage, who will be giving us the topic of ‘Easter’”
bunny come on stage, bunny come off stage, end of skit”
-
we deny Christ for yet another myth



-----------------------

Another thing I guess is that this year I wont be giving specific presents/cards to people
-
for the very reason that I cant give one to people I would really want to give to because they’re special to me
-
sigh, I still miss you a lot...



-----------------------

and I guess finally I would like to do a bit of promotion for an upcoming event I’ll be involved in:

Undignified 2010 - a Worship event
-
-


Sunday 15 November 2009

bitter, sweet, sorrow, joy

we see that ever so evident in the Christian walk
-
Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
(2 Cor 5:1-5)
-


we have hope and rejoice because of what He has done for us, and we know we have hope for eternity, a heavenly dwelling which cannot be destroyed
-
but we suffer while down here on earth, we do not know what tomorrow brings, be it poverty, loneliness, burdens, separations
-


somehow this song - even while sung in mandarin today at Marc’s grandfather’s wake
-
nearly brought tears to me
-
I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.
-


we look to eternity, the tomorrow we cannot see
-
but we know our lives are held in His hand, His plans
-


so with regard to everything
be in university studies (NO CHARLES, I AM SO NOT DOING ACCOUNTANCY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ACCOUNTANCY IS NOT COOL)
or in relationships
in anything else in the future, career, God’s calling
-
I know He knows best
-
I guess thats all I need to know
even as I know God has called me to impact the world I live in
-
even as it begins small, with me..

Tuesday 10 November 2009

ATT C

taking this for the very first time since I enlisted
-
excessive tiredness =/


either way after being busy non-stop over the last few weeks, I guess its a good sabbatical
-
being able to rest at home and enjoy the comfort of my bed and sleeping in....
-
prob wont ever be doing this again anyway... unless I fall really sick...
-
since the last few times I was sick I still went to camp either way...
due to having to do stuff under my job scope...
-


well I guess I finally can get to do stuff I couldn’t find time to do for a long time
-
1. write a letter and visit the post office(near my house) to post a letter overseas
2. Practice on my piano a bit
3. Pray and meditate a bit
4. REST at home
-
Army stuff:
1. burn 2Lt Jhon’s REACH dvds
2. Do up the ducktours presentation ( canceled)
-


either way yeah
-
recently there’s been so much to post on this blog
but not enough time to reflect upon the things to be said
-
the struggles of sin and temptation
-
the outing on sat which left me very drained and struggling to fight something within me
-
but I guess I’ll think about it...
-
sigh =/

Friday 23 October 2009

'emil lenses'

do I look through things in a limited perspective
-
through my ‘emil lenses’ so to speak
-
not the bigger picture
-


-------------------
but in the end
aren’t we supposed to live our lives in the light of God
-
see things in the way God sees them
open our eyes to see what God wants for us
-
live a life grounded by faith in the Word of God
and live out a life which shows that
-


-------------------
people say they tell me these things
-
for my own good
for the good of the people under my sphere of influence
-
and they’re perfect in every way, more worthy of being part of their ministries
-
at least while compared to me
who has been in the lowest of places
been the worse of sinners and disgraced the name of God
-
‘but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more’
-
its by the very fact
when we say God makes foolish the wisdom of the wise
-
we judge things from this perspective
-


-------------------
-
So by saying I shouldn’t be in this ministry
are they saying it from their lens?
or the lens that God has given them, (wise christian council???)?
-
because if they say so
they’re saying God made a wrong choice
in letting me be here
-
So who am I to believe?


-------------------
But still
we should always remember this in the ministries God puts us in:
-
(Philippians 2:1-11)
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,

then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.


Sunday 27 September 2009

Sand Castles

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Matthew 7:24-27

-


I was reminded of a Switchfoot song, ‘Gone’
-
Life is more than money, time was never runny.
Time was never cash, life is still more than girls.
Life is more than hundred dollar bills and roto-tom fills.
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills,
All the riches of the kings end up in wills
-
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
if you get the world and lose your soul?



what we build our lives on is important...
-
if we based our lives on now, on worldly wealth and riches, of careers
or worldly relationships, on acceptance
even of family
-
these things don’t count towards eternity...
‘the 2 biggest things a christian faces
one is persecution
the other is seduction by the world... christians normally can face the former, but many fall with the latter ’

(Charles)
-
we end up losing our first love for God
over something else much less significant
-
compared to basing our lives upon eternity
and living each day for Him
-
so we can stand together in the end of time and worship Him
and there is nothing that can compare to the joy that comes from that
-
where God..
...will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
(Rev 21:3-4)
-
we do know that like in the parable
where the guy builds his house on the ‘ROCK’
in which he has to work very hard to chisel away at the rocks to lay his foundation
-
likewise leading a life based to following Jesus and His gospel is not easy
-
compared to the guys who can easily construct his house on sand,
and like how after the tsunami, these houses get washed away
-
hence the former is a better choice, better than something temporal


many times I build my life upon many insignificant things
-
it was once upon computer games
upon getting the highest score
upon winning every game
and ‘pwning’ every opponent to get the ‘holy sh*t BEYONG GODLIKE’ kill streak
-
after that it was upon being accepted by a girl whom I really loved a lot
and even to base my life upon doing things to make her happy and comfortable
at the expense of everything else
-
but I come to realise that after all
everything will pass on in the end
-
but God remains faithful...
and He’s the one I should base my life upon
not anything else
-

Monday 21 September 2009

People

Listing down a few people:
Petrina C
Tim
Amanda
Leemin
Daniel
XL
Kenneth
Evelyn

Fireac Juniors:
Zhuoer
Tina
Felicia
Pet L
Jayne
-


all of you in one way or another are special to me
in the sense of friendship, in the sense of how you have inspired me to grow closer to God
or grow as a person
-
I know life goes on, we’ll eventually find other people in our lives to fill up
but I do hope we’ll still keep in touch somehow
and even if we don’t and distance ourselves
I hope and pray we can remain united in Christ
and learn to love Him more each day
that we may worship Him together
when He comes again
-


I guess we’ll all be exposed to different cultures and experiences throughout our lives
-
But I do hope we all will be able to make the right decisions... to flee from temptations and sin
and pursue righteousness in Him...
-
hate the sin that is in this world... the sins of drunkenness, of sexual immorality, and of pride,
which is always too common for people in our generation...
-
value God above all, above relationships,
above acceptance by peers, above self, and above worldly wealth
-


just a few thoughts... for all the people whom I do love dearly in one way or another...
-
For the Y6s...
I wish you all the best for IB =) and your future endeavours
-
for Petrina, Tim and Evelyn
I pray you continue to love God and grow in Him even while overseas,
and not become consumed by work or assimilate into any sort of ungodly culture over there...
and make a difference in the live of the different people you meet over there.
and to find comfort from knowing Him in times of loneliness.
-
for the NS guys
I pray you find joy in serving the Lord while in NS
-

Saturday 19 September 2009

November rain...

“if emil. i read your blog post. november 17 ? did that really happen? you know the day that it rained. and you came out to get me”
(an sms I got on 13-01-2009, while I was doing a medical attachment in SGH)
not like it matters anyway
-
fast forward to today
“you don’t have to apologise to him anyway”
-


you still make me very sad sometimes
I just don’t show it much
-
it manifests it self in a strange way
as if I’ve started to hate you
-
esp. for the stuff you do...
-
I no longer harbour the same sort of affections I had
since they never meant much to you
-
but I wish you wouldn’t change that way...


on the other hand
I miss having my closest friends around
-
sigh
-
I wish both of you didn’t have to go
-
but in a way... Goodbyes are part and parcel of life I guess


you could say I’m not mature enough
owing to the way I deal with my emotions and things
-
I agree I guess...


Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don't you know you need some time
All alone
-
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
-

Wednesday 16 September 2009

Foolishness to the world

For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written,
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise,
and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not
God made foolish the wisdom of the world?For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

(1 Cor 1:18-25)
-

------------------
if you look at the way we talk about Christ
-
you realise this... to people who don’t see it comes across as mere folly
-
why do we preach an empty tomb, a innocent man convicted who was hung and who died
when to others it just seems like a mere story that happened long ago...
-
why do we tell about a God who apparently can listen to us, can comfort us, that is so personal to us
yet it might seem like the random illusions cast by children with imaginary friends or schizophrenic mental patients
-
why do we tell about assurance of salvation, of hope and future
when to others it merely seems like a form of escapism from the harsh reality of this world
-

------------------
this is what God means to me
-
an all powerful, righteous and awe-some God
the God who holds the universe in the mere width of His palm
who is beyond time, beyond space
beyond all the limitations of the physical world
-
yet who created order and the physical universe
and made the laws of physics that govern this world
a God of order
-
yet a God who cares so much for each individual
that the very mere detail like the number of strands of hair each person has is numbered
-

------------------
this is what the Cross means
it shows me to what length God loves us
-
I know that one way a person demonstrates Love
Love is more than just gifts
more than just words
but Love demands presence and touch
-
so God came down as Jesus on the Cross
a perfect gift which was so perfect it could carry all the sins of the world
yet a gift that cost so dearly, it demanded so much
-

------------------
and this is what the resurrection means to me
it shows me that God can do all things
it shows me how God keeps his promises
it shows me how God has won victory over the price of sin - death
-
and you cannot simply say it was just an empty tomb when hundreds have seen Jesus alive after He was buried

------------------
this is what Christianity means to me
its not a set of rituals one follows to gain nirvana or eternal life
its about experiencing God in a way that cant be described
-
its not a fashion accessory that is tagged on as another separate part of life
but something that demands everything in life to be consumed with
-
and I quote CS lewis:
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
-


------------------
to many, its just another religion, another foolish religion
or worse, a cult of weirdos and strange delusional people
-
even as I was interrogated today,
as a form of ‘entertainment’
-
but to me, it means everything

Thursday 10 September 2009

the link...

you know for a number of days I woke feeling rather cheery and all that
getting out of bed was never an issue
even with lesser sleep... as I looked forward to the day ahead
-


but it’s a different matter when you go to the other extreme
-
if you wake up feeling sad and all that
you dread waking up
you wish to sleep to forget everything
-


hence the link between physical tiredness and emotional tiredness
the body’s responds to negative emotions by triggering a sudden need to sleep
-
I remember even in pri school
whenever i was disciplined by my mum (via the old fashion rod)
-
and ended up feeling very sad
I would lock myself in the room and cry myself to sleep
-
In IB, I ended up sleeping a lot
just to fight off the sadness arising from unrequited affections...


I guess in a way
that’s how God made it to be
-
because the sleep, rest is the way to heal us both physically and emotionally,
but ultimately we must always find our rest in Him...

Wednesday 9 September 2009

sine curve

attaching my heart to another person's sine curve is strangely bitter-sweet,
yet past memories and experiences tell me that doing so is suicidal
-
even if I would trust the person with my whole life
-
sigh
am I getting too emotionally involved? even as a friend-friend level...
-
‘tis is so strange...
-


I know the odds is that people will move on
-
even close friends eventually drift apart
-
and sometimes I feel that perhaps even this ‘closeness’ is just an illusion
-
but... I .... ...
and I don’t want you to be sad =(

Saturday 5 September 2009

but this I still hold fast to

He knows my thoughts
my hopes and dreams
-
so this is what I tell Him
-
“Lord, You see my heart and my thoughts
you know my hopes, my dreams...
-
I pray You be Lord over all these...
-
if You determine that it is in Your will not to grant me what I desire and hope for
I pray You comfort me in that time, You will hold fast to me
and assure me that You still love me
and have a better and more perfect plan for my life
-
if in time, my hopes and dreams do come true
I pray that I’ll give thanks to You on that day
and that I will not forget You no matter what”
-

far away lies a chilly thought

you know how my mum always says pessimistic things
-
you know that she spells out one of the biggest fears I have
-
about how
people just move on... ...
-


if that does happen
-
I guess I’ll just wait
and search again... ...
-
after all it’ll be my fault in any case...

Prophecy

there was one thing John Tay said that was right
-
about my sister’s becoming a nun...
-
no... two actually


now I really hope
-
the third thing will be right...
-
sigh =/

Sunday 30 August 2009

in absentia

hanging around today
-
just wasn’t the same anymore without the usual
-


I shall be a bit strong in what I write in this post about something
-
but I guess you’ve to know, ever since I decided to drop off my feelings about you
I’ve learnt a lot...
-
it still makes me very sad though
hearing about clubbing
being yelled at and pushed at
-
even though through this apparent mask of apathy and disconcern
and apparent ‘interest’ for someone else
-
sigh
-
you said
“you have eyes for nobody but petrina”
-
but that’s not true
I always cared for you in a strange way...
always watched out for you...
-
and I guess everything still hurts me the way they did...
just less because I choose not to let them hurt me as much
-


if you read this
you might hate me for posting such stuff publicly
but I don’t really care if you hate me anymore...
-
I just want you to hate what God hates... somehow...

-
I wish I could change the influences and things that happened
-
the past and the present
-
but it was never meant to be my concern
-
as tim told me before
about how in any r/s (friendships/BGR/family)
-
we need to let God do His work in His time
and simply commit them in prayer
-

Saturday 29 August 2009

A true heart

Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body?
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.'
For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean’.“

(Matthew 15:17-20)


reflecting upon this short passage for the bible one thing thing makes me wonder
-
is it enough for us to simply hold fast to not speaking vulgarities, not saying lewd jokes, not doing acts of immorality
-
but here is the scenario I’m placed in...
I hold fast to the ideas of not swearing, not cracking lewd jokes, and not participating in orgy fests of peering over semi-porn magazines/Real porn
-
but that doesn’t mean my mind does not get corrupted by such influences in army
pretty soon I find myself thinking sinful thoughts, swearing in my head whenever I’m annoyed or irritated...
and it occasionally sometimes comes out of my heart into the mouth... except I mince it up
-
F*ck - AFFF
KNN- kana sai
LJ - cock
CB - cheeese
-
and I also know I’m not immune from thinking lustful thoughts and stuff....
while being friends with a number of girls helps a lot that I respect them enough to not want to think about it
but it seems to be repressed at one side just waiting to jump at me


---------
Jesus said it was not enough to simply do the outward actions and deeds
-
but like what He said:
”Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.“
(Matt 23:25-28)
-
But being a Christians starts from the inside first, being transformed into His likeness from the inside-out
-
so no matter what culture we get exposed to
it is important to learn to guard our hearts and minds and not become influenced, not just in our actions but in our hearts too

Friday 28 August 2009

A weird dream

-
it was meant to be a chartered bus ride... like those we took from BB HQ to Perak for primers challenge
one of those long distance ones
-
but somehow the bus seemed empty except for you and me
sitting next to each other...
-
and after that Kenneth suddenly appeared and laughed
-
and I woke up ....


-
subconsciously
I still miss you a lot =(

Thursday 27 August 2009

Counter-culture

deciding to reflect upon my army experience so far...
-
after talking fair bit about how we get exposed to a culture we don’t feel comfortable in and stuff like that
-
in a sense of being placed in a palce of godless culture


I remember day one.... in the bunks of Leopard coy of BMTC sch 2
-
while we introduced ourselves to each other... largely JC students of different backgrounds
we still retained the sense of identity as such... JC students, polite conversations
-
till we got introduced to 3SG LKY (no it’s not Lee Kuan Yew, leopard people would know)
and the warren officers
-
very soon we realised what army culture was about
a culture opposed to the very moral values the christian faith believes in
-
I need not elaborate about the numerous vulgarities and lewd jokes, references, and posters splattered around the Plt office
but pretty soon, most of us began to lose out identity as polite JC students
and became assimilated into the whole culture of everything.
-
which brings us back to an important point I guess
-
As christians, we are told to be salt and light of the earth... (matt 5:13-16)
and we cannot hide our light (stand aside and try to blend in)
or lose out saltiness (assimilate into worldly culture)
-
which is the who danger of many of us immersed in various places with cultures opposed to our values
we end up sacrificing our values for the sake of gaining acceptance
and end up being too comfortable in a godless culture
-
in the same way Lot was comfortable in the culture of the Sodomites and choose to live among them
-


but then again it doesn’t mean we end up isolating ourselves from the rest... a mistake I made over the past 2 months while in Jurong camp.
-
it is possible, as I learnt in sembawang
and after Sean spoke to me about it
to be able to work with and even create friendships with people even in a godless culture, without sacrificing our own moral values
-
simply as Jesus put it
‘In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven’
-
an idea of putting in your best in everything
showing a good testimony, so that we may make a difference in a different culture.
-
an idea of being for people when they need it
just like how Jesus would reach out to a world of sin and depravity
-

Monday 24 August 2009

absence makes the heart grow fonder...

you know how they always say friends come and go
life eventually forces friends apart... even best of friends
-
but again it all depends on how willing one is to hold on
a 2 way thing
-


even as one of my closer friends left
and the other prepares himself to leave too
I left here alone
I wonder if we’ll still be able to keep in touch always
-
since you’re always on my mind...
and I really miss having you around to talk to most days
-


its so stupid that I only realised something much later than I should have
but does it matter?
-
the idea of trust... even if life seems so uncertain
I need to learn that
-


if He truly holds my hand
and wants me to know that I need Him more than anybody else
-
learning to trust in Him
and Love Him above everything
-


they say absence makes the heart grow fonder
-
but its a long time...
many things could have changed by then...
-
I guess, only to trust in Him...

Sunday 23 August 2009

But the word of the Lord remains

looking beyond what you see now
-
to what He can do
and what He has promised to do, to give us a hope and future
-


So in a sense
being connected across 12 thousand kilometres isn’t that difficult
-
and friendships made might drift away
-
but if the Lord wills it
it will stay
-


I’ve behaved rather irrationally the past 2 days
since the morning of Friday
-
but I guess yeah... time to discard the old facades I tried to make up
or the thoughts I tried to force myself to think
-
I guess it is true then...


but I guess no matter how
-
words on a screen
even spoken words transmitted over electronic signals
or visual images over computers
-
nothing is the same as being physically present
and being able to smell, and touch
-


I guess in very much the same way
God doesn’t simply give us words from a bible
or audio visual miracle impacts like the works of his creation
-
He comes down and touches us
like the way Jesus touched the leper
-
because simply hearing or seeing is not enough for God to truly say He loves us

I must have spent

about close to $360+ last week
-
$250 - studio charges
$50 - Tcc
$60 - cab fares to Orchard and Changi
-


sigh
-
I’m broke
-
and broken too =(
-
sigh =(

tearing down the space

extreme sadness
-
to the point of
=’/
-
do I have a right to it?
-
sigh = /

at least not till we have to say goodbye...

they say guys shouldn’t cry
-
but why?

Monday 10 August 2009

pink room, pink tiles

it seems that everything works by Newton’s 3rd law
-

Actioni contrariam semper et æqualem esse reactionem: sive corporum duorum actiones in se mutuo semper esse æquales et in partes contrarias dirigi.
For a force there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions.
-
the more I try to move nearer, the further it moves away
the more I try to break apart, the nearer it goes
-
forces working in opposite direction



I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my resolves
if this keeps on
-
but having spent so much time these few days in peoples company
it seems that I’ve forgotten that I didn’t want to care
-
and its not on her behalf
-


I said I’ve let go
but no one ever said letting go involved flinging it far away
-
so does it mean it’s still is allowed to float around and taunt me?


on the other hand
if I let time take its course
-
God will know what to do right?
-
it seems like I wanted to say it myself
and attribute the words to someone else instead
-


I’ve built so many facades over myself
I dunno who’s the real me now?
only you 2 know
but even so I’ve never revealed everything to both of you eitherway
-
because I don’t know how you would respond...
-



being in uncomfortable circumstances
I just don’t know how to feel about it...

Friday 7 August 2009

Differences

when we comment about things of the past and present
-
like gummy bears in SMU orientation
-
but what makes me think I should trust the person who made my NS hell for me?
-

he talks a bit about what happened after the February of 2007
-
about some things not worth mentioning which XL never told me about...
-
in the past I guess
but he concludes
“not the kind of person you would want”
-
I drew my conclusion for that a few months long ago
-
just another reason to not regret that choice?
even though it was just the past
-
but I should not judge a person... only God can
-
but I still hope and pray
that one would make the right choices in the end...
-

He moves on
asks about somebody else
-
and eggs me on to do something I told myself not to do
I give my reasons
-
he stills brushes them off...
“LDR” he says
-

somehow it also strange
when he implied ugliness of the latter
-
i was really mad
-
when Lei said the same about the former today
I didn't really care as much
-
I wonder if that says anything about myself...


to the world
the immediate gratification is a important thing
satisfy the carnal needs and desires
-
but I know the God has placed a time and season for everything
and He makes everything beautiful in His time
-
so I guess in His time He will provide
So is there a point listening to a person I labelled an accuser(satan), now tempting me?
-

Sunday 2 August 2009

Darling dear me

people change overtime
for the better, or for the worse
-
so do I
-



the choice of words one uses can have impact upon people
-
somehow, like it was a dig against what I used to be
-
because it reminds me of a time where I used to think my world revolved around you
and merely being addressed in such endearing manners would mean a lot
-
for now, I simply go into defensive...
because I took so much pain and trouble to convince myself that you were not worth it
-
that feeling hurt because I felt that the things you did, the clothes you wear
are what God hates...
-
and I don’t want to go back to where I was before...
besides, I never really meant much to you anyway...



little drops of sarcasm and indifference to the stupid jokes cracked
-
now that you somehow have concluded that I’ve ‘switched targets’ from you
and now am ‘terrorising’ someone else other than you
-
its easy to laugh it off, because it definitely wasn’t like the way it was with you
except a little awkwardness at times, there is always a limit to how close a friend can be...
-
but somehow like the harry potter in Half-blood prince
the emotion that calls itself jealousy sometimes manifests itself it ways I cannot understand
-
I can trick and persuade my intellect...
but I cant trick my emotions...
sadly
-


I cannot become too attached to either one of you
since both of you will be going separate ways soon
-
moving on to make new friends and life on a whole
-
but I still want to spend as much time as I can with you all while I can
because you both mean a lot to me... as precious friends I have poured my heart into...

-


and someday, even if we never see each other in this life on earth
-
I pray, we will stand before God in the day of judgement righteous before Him
-
and worship Him together and thank Him for the times He has blessed us with

Friday 31 July 2009

You are the one I want...



I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been thinking of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

[Chorus]
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only see by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want

When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song

You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want

Sunday 26 July 2009

Giftings

Throughout the past 3 years... as I served in various school ministries...
-
BB, FireAC, Choir,
-
I have been encouraged in various ways, after each of the many sessions of worship I lead in these sessions,
-
when someone comes up to me and says that God really touched them as I ministered to them through the songs
-


simply, I never really understood
-
how is it that God can use me, a vessel so unworthy, to minister to people through the worship songs
-
after all many times, I feel as if I’m simply going through the motions of ‘doing what I usually do’
-
seeking after God before starting out in worship
coming clean before Him
and inviting his presence into the midst of us
-


of course when i first started out
-
I never really have an idea what i was doing
after a number of lessons learnt along the way
I sort of understood what corporate worship encompasses
-


Today as I, for the first time, lead the children in the Sunday school(Gracestar) to sing songs while playing acoustic... Auntie Cynthia was leading them in prayer and actions
-
it was nothing particularly special... me as a vocalist and instrumentalist, with Yelin singing as well
-
but today was different... it wasn’t the same like the past few instances seeing the sian sian faces of the kids
-
it was as if they really wanted to worship God today...
-


perhaps worship, leading worship in particular
not just wielding a guitar or keyboard
-
perhaps that really is God’s gifting for me
and where He is calling me to...
-
I wonder...

Friday 10 July 2009

Living on His Mercy and grace

essentially
-
somehow God has been very faithful to me
-
a lot of times I could have gotten into trouble and all that
but so far, He has delivered me from all these...
-


yet I wonder
is it possible to take for granted the grace and mercy He shows us?
-
after all He is a God of justice as well
-


somehow all of us in one way or another show this sinful, bad quality
-
we, like Peter, deny Christ, sin against Him, and drag His Name in the mud over and over again
-
yet, how, that God could, as far as the east is from the west, remove our sins? (Ps 103:12)
-
God is Love... a Love that adds value to worthlessness
-
A Love beyond reason indeed...

Wednesday 1 July 2009

Conflict

personal commitments i make
-
they always seem to be clashing with everything else
-


physical discipline is easiest to manage
-
mental discipline is hard though
-


I worry
about everything
even though I know worrying doesn’t make a difference
-
I worry where to go after army
-
I worry that I’ll end up distancing myself from particularly close friendship built over the past few years
esp when I stay here, and they go...
-
I know God tells us that we don’t gain anything by worrying
-
even the sparrows have food, the flowers bloom and are clothed
-
but its hard not to think about it
-

Tuesday 30 June 2009

Expectations

when you give much to something
-
isn’t more often than not you expect much back in return?
-


so when I gave my heart to a person
and when I didn’t get it back, it definitely hurt
-
when I gave my commitment to an organisation
and it rejected me, it definitely hurt
-
but, now, if I give my trust to someone?
I wonder...
-


like I said
I probably expect too much sometimes... ...

Monday 29 June 2009

Disappearing into Indifference

somehow thats what I have become of late
-
indifferent to everything around me
-
whether it be to arguing with Kenneth and not really caring about it
-
Or ignoring something that would have made me very concerned a few months back..
even though I know how it feels, if the issue is really about oco...
I had my turn one week before Enrollment parade
-
“we have enough, we dont need you”
I knew it was just a lame excuse... but back then it hurt a lot
-
imagine 6 years of life in this ministry
3 nights of going home at 3am in the morning...
-
and you tell me you don’t want me
even though you said God equips the called and not vice versa
-
after all the bible does tell us that we are like jars of clay
and Jesus is the treasure within...
although we are weak, He makes us strong
-
something I thought set the organisation apart
was the notion of Christ centered-ness
“the advancement of Christ Kingdom among boys”
-
but really, maybe its just changed to be the “youth organisation of choice”
ran secularly and all that...
essentially lost focus... just another UG competing with scouts and all there is out there...


I know I have a lot of characteristics that are my weakness
-
be it impulsive, short tempered,
-
But I also know “God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” (1 Cor 1:27)
-
Jesus also said:
And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it will be more bearable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that town.”(Matt 10:14-15)
-
a need to move on I guess... for now at least...
which I have done in part... church music ministry...


indifference seems to be a pretty effective way to protect myself
if you don’t get emotionally involved, you cant get hurt after all...
-
somehow I only left 2 friends that I can really trust and can confide with most stuff
just that both of them would be going overseas soon
sigh
-


-
maybe its time I got back to God... asked Him to fill my life again
-
after all, indifference is just a form of escapism
-
Trusting that He makes all things new in His time...

Sunday 21 June 2009

disintegrations

bitterness is what is left when one tries to cut off everything
-


In the past:
“I don’t want her to become hurt more than necessary”
“you’re not the one to be the one who helps her, you can only trust God that if she does fall, He’ll be the one who picks her up”
-
I’m not in any position to dictate how people should run their lives
whether I think its right or not, dressing, lifestyle, anything...
even if I care for them...
-
I still care, yet I cant...
because I have to let go, I cannot hurt myself anymore
-
so maybe by doing so
I end up hecking everything... “I dont care” attitude
even though deep down, I probably still care...
-


Like today:
“go shelter her” (John)
“I need to pass you your specs, never mind she wont want anyway, you go shelter her”
-
comparing to 6 months ago, where I simply didn’t care about myself...
leaving the comfort of a room out to pouring rains for her sake
-


and everyone seems to think I’ve somehow ‘switched targets’
-
which isn’t really true... close intimate friendship does not equate romantic interest...
-
I have no interest in getting attached at the moment...
not until I’ve grown more emotionally mature to handle it...
-
just that the lot of you simply want to make things awkward for your entertainment
esp. someone who seems to take it upon her self as her duty to “protect”
-
well at least I managed to enjoy a nice day with tim,
while all you know how to do is make things awkward...
-

Thursday 18 June 2009

meekness

something I think I lack now...
ability to control my emotions
-


-
was forced to relive a string of unpleasant memories today
-
due to the excess of free time forcing everyone to have to talk about their “love lives”
-
so maybe I just had to talk about whatever happened in Y5 and leave it as that
-


sigh, people I know who could help me forget and move on
-
but maybe not facing up to it is simply running away
-


I know perfectly well
I can never ever end up committing my emotions fully to another person until I’ve dealt with my past
-
but I wish I could... sometimes...
-
cringing at the thought of clubbing and drinking
and “going wild”
as how I remember how Charles said before, near a Seah Im hawker centre
-
sigh
maybe that’s why it was never meant for me


-
maybe I could retain the naive thinking
drawing closer to God, leading to who He would give
-
simply waiting for the right time and not jump unto it
a laughable idea to everyone else...
-
give me faith to believe that...
faith built upon the Rock, which is sure and steadfast


and regarding the thing everyone keeps bugging me about...
-
I am not looking for something along that lines,
if I was I wouldn’t try in that way
“terrorising”
-
since “I’m not emotionally ready” eitherway
-
think along the lines of how she once told me to “stop bullying tim”

Wednesday 17 June 2009

My little Home Studio Setup

Thought I“ll show off a bit today =)
-
Picture:

Equipment:
AT2020 Cardioid Condenser microphone
Alesis Multimix 6 FX
M-Audio Firewire Audiophile (Grats to Kevin)
Logic Pro 8

Instruments:
Yamaha PSR E405 - via USB midi
Taylor 314CE
Baby Taylor (not in picture)
Fender American Highwayone Telecaster
Maestro UC-20 Ukulele
Yamaha Upright Grand Piano (not in picture)

Wishlist:
Drum machine
Bass Guitar
Electric Amps (although Logic Guitar amp Pro is really good enough for now)
Yamaha USB Studio Controller 88 keys/ KORG K88
Logic Mackie Controller
Rack Mount Pre-amp units
Classical guitar(my sis sold my previous one =( )

Current capabilities:
Up to 4 channel recording (via sound card / interface)
Up to 6 channel monitoring (2 via sound card, 4 via interface)

Monday 15 June 2009

Hydraulic Rooms

idle conversations
-
an attempt in assimilating me into everything
-


“Emil is not interested in girls”
-
“are you gay?”
-
“I’m not gay, I’m just not obsessed, I don’t think its right...”
-
“are you a guy or what?”
-
and HQ had to speak...
-
“he never ... anyway”
-
while HHHu asked about it
-
with my defiant answers that HQ was making rubbish claims
-
which were true
just not in the way they thought it meant
-


-
all these interrogations
-
in the midst of more other stuff...
when you keep insisting of pushing a point which may not be true to begin with
-
I find that it becomes harder to firmly decide that its not true
after all there really isn’t anything hard about making it true
just my choice NOT to...
-
heh, and you really have double standards anyway
-
I just wish I could talk to Tim... =(
talking with other close friends just isn’t the same =/
-

Sunday 14 June 2009

Looking for a saviour

today as Simon shared
-
a reminder
-
“if we had one wish that meant everything to us”
“we spend all our time chasing after it”
-
“but we either suffer crushing disappointment if we fail”
“or have a temporary euphoria that last for a while, before we realise it cannot fill”
-
“we all have a God shaped hole in out hearts”
“Jesus is the only thing in which when you fail, He will forgive you”
“and if you get, He will fulfil you”
-


in contrast, Hollywood morals, the movie I watched today
love, sex and marriage
-
the most important thing to them


sigh
-
lets say if I really do get over being hurt so badly...
but that hurt is so painful
that I don’t want to be hurt again
-
say if that was true in both ways
but it would just be temporary euphoria anyway
not how Hollywood portrays it
-
and either way nothing lasts
even the few sweet wrappers in my wallet, the yellow card in my room will probably go away too
-
only Jesus will...
-

Friday 12 June 2009

Moral Reversals

I remember, in the months following the February of 2007, I had a series of bizarre or unsettling dreams/nightmares involving the issues that i was struggling with at that time...
-
i somehow seem to remember one of them quite clearly... the pretext was some mini-calandar meeting?
-
when somehow it seemed as if i didn’t care about the other for another
let you have it while I settle for something else...
-
maybe it was a reflection or foreshadowing of my present state...
or struggle to set my thoughts straight
-


in army there are a lot of reverse morality, like how in King Lear we studied how virtue was made crime... how evil was made into good and good evil
-
same here
where idle talk and lewd language are made right
and excommunicating one from the group wrong
-
where being civil and pleasant no longer becomes a granted
but where “no one owes you a right to be nice to you”
-
where everything is okay, except don’t get caught
sigh
-
resisting assimilation into reverse morals
is hard...


I wonder how a piece of white cloth can have any significance...
something I have too
something I used to wear
-
but I don’t even know what my thoughts are... now
-

Monday 8 June 2009

moving on to the future...


-


Disney movies...
-
a memory
when you wish upon a star...
the stuff that kids grow up happy with...
-
“I feel so happy,”
“but some wishes don’t come true... sigh”
looking at two other people in front of me
-


you wonder what happens as we move on
-
go our separate ways... whether to army. to UK, to Canada, to Uni, to wherever in the world
-
Would we forget...?
-


maybe why my time with you is so precious to me
-
while I also wish i had more time with tim
-
sigh...

Saturday 6 June 2009

I remember

how I told God a year ago
-
that it was worth giving up everything...
about how I felt about stuff
-
for the sake of a friend’s salvation
-


well it wasn’t the same thing I expected
-
but yeah...
i guess its good too... that they did find God
eventually
-
awesome


on the other hand about today
-
I find it very amusing that the 2 of you(LM, Eve) want to so called “protect” your ‘girlfriend’ away from me...
stay away from her you say
haha
-
heh
I wouldn’t have said the same thing 2 years ago during bio study...
but i guess that’s because its different
haha
-
highly amusing you aren’t keen of keeping me away from another person... not like it matters anyway...
-


its strange haha...
sorting out thoughts...
-
I wonder if there really is a difference between mind and state of mind...
-
like the whole Plato cave analogy... what you think it is isn’t what it is...

Tuesday 2 June 2009

you have NO RIGHT

to call any of my friends ugly or anything
-
esp. the one you mentioned today
-


insult me all you want
but leave it at that
-
don’t ever talk nasty things about other people you don’t even know
-



I dunno how on earth can a person be as UGLY in character as that...
-
RARRR... wish I could squash you like an ant...


for the record, I’m not referring to any of the people outside my camp

Monday 1 June 2009

River flows in You


-
I heard this first in played with the SAC piano
-
in choir room - Shawn
-


sigh... past memories again...

something evidently is wrong

when the beating pace quickens
when the thoughts shift
thoughts...
-


this isn’t the way its supposed to work
or is it bound to happen?
-
Catharsis


wait wait wait... ...

Wednesday 20 May 2009

nothing much

somehow these few days
-
I know I feel left out, because of having to be stuck in camp while the others have their leave and fun
-
and when I get back, somehow things don’t seem very much the same either
-


after finding a way to fix L4D to run multiplayer without lag
-
it seems like I’ve been playing a lot of it recently, with random online strangers
-
but somehow the real fun of the game really comes with playing with a group of friends you love and know
-
and even so, I even find talking to a group of close friends online more meaningful and fulfilling than mere computer video games.
even getting poked fun of by LM is better than that
-
but somehow, I’ve really been feeling very insecure about myself over the past few days...
-
somehow... I wonder if you guys ever get tired of having me around...
and are glad to be able to enjoy yourselves without me...


nothing much I can do about a lot of circumstances around me
-
especially with regard to the past behind me...
I always wondered
if you ever knew how I really felt about things all the way
when I saw things that made me uncomfortable
that made me rather sad
-
I gave so much of myself away
that I dare not give anyone else anything
for now...
-
but I do know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
and one of the things I can do
is to have the courage to move on...

Monday 18 May 2009

MDC

I wish somehow
that I didn’t have to put up some people all the time
-
somehow they say its a half-half fault thing
-
but seriously... i wonder who’s ‘tone’ sounds more disgusting
-
talking about a subject you know nuts about
and acting like you know everything about it
-
somehow that really disgusts me
-
fibreglass guitar indeed
one of the primary reasons why I,(and many others) thoroughly dislike ovation guitars
-
Acoustic wood tone... with the bright sparkles and mellow sweetness... the depth and warmth
Can never be better than a synthetic piece of rubbish, no matter how expensive it may be
-
Ovation may have projection and clarity, with quite a decent pickup system, but sacrifices tone and depth to achieve it...
-
don’t desecrate the subject of acoustic guitars... if you really know absolutely nothing about it


somehow, it’s tiring lah
playing all these secular songs for no apparent incentive... sacrificing valued break time
I might as well have joined MDC by the looks of things...
-
I wish I could have taken a day off today and joined the rest...
sigh...
-

Wednesday 13 May 2009

Let the words remain unsaid pt 2

I did a much older post with a similar title 1 and a half years ago:
Link


Password protected

Monday 11 May 2009

cliques

Password protected post:
-
Link

Thursday 7 May 2009

bitter medicine

looking back one and a half years ago, a conversation I had at the start of 2008
-
oh well
i wonder what kind of stuff I'll end up doing in 1 and a half years time
army >.< but i dunno if I can get into something like medicine haha haha what d'you suppose you'll be doing ? overseas or NUS/NTU/SMU?

-
oh
no idea
i was hoping to do medicine
but not with the amount of discipline i have
nor the extent of my laziness
-
haha
I'm lazy also
but I'll like medicine too haha
which was half the reason why i chose bio/math/chem combi
-
oh =.=
i didn't have what i wanna do in mind when i chose my subs


sigh... laziness doesn’t pay off i guess
-
neither does emoing over things...

Wednesday 6 May 2009

Memory

a car driving down a nearly empty road in the wee hours of the morning
stops at a bus stop, or just before...
-
nothing heard but the sound of cars in the expressway in the distance racing... rather softly
the trudging sound of an oncoming bus. inscribed with the numbers, 74...
-
the car door opens, slowly...
a guitar and bag are also slowly retrieved from the car
-
the door is slammed softly, the car races off
time is carefully taken to adjust the bag and guitar straps
-
the bus stops, he stops, looks
wonders whether she would be on that bus, getting off
-
being able to at least catch a small moment of time to talk and walk with her
something ultimately precious at that moment of time
-
an awkward smile and hello...
and silence while walking in...
-
he wonders if she know what is on his mind at that moment
that his heartbeat is unnaturally fast
-
and he wished she could talk too

-


That was the past at least....
just but a memory
-
times have changed a lot... that’s all I know
-
it all seemed so surreal to think about it
just like a fairy tale story
haha
-
except the fairy tale never had much of a happily ever after...

another dream

more vivid this time, I could remember more of the details this time
-
it was the 3 of us, we were walking down the pathway outside the SAC (the narrow strip of concrete)
-
after some time one of you disappeared, maybe having to fly off somewhere else far far away...
-
while the other stayed with me
-
still a rather happy dream


I think somehow beneath all these facades and everything
-
when you strip everything down
-
I think nothing much has changed about how I felt since Feb 2007
-
just a matter of a change of how I deal/dealt with the issue
-
sigh...


looking through the convos of one of the friends I’m closest to
(in terms of how I trust them with my thoughts)
-
times have changed much...

Monday 4 May 2009

Eleven Minutes

questions on sexuality and love
-
I guess everyone asks these questions sooner or later
-

beyond how the world looks beyond those “eleven minutes”
-
Love is a sacred gift from God, but the world has messed up so badly
it becomes a curse
-


anyway reading that book, infusion of biblical and worldly precepts of love and sex
albeit rather pornographic in its descriptions...
-
Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
-
Song of Solomon 2:7:
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:

Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
-
its strange to tell a malay muslim guy I made friends with during my guard duty:
-
I don’t worry, If God wants to give me a life companion, He will, if not He wont,
After all, God is Great (
Allāhu Akbar) , and He can do anything
-
and he agreed.

Saturday 2 May 2009

Hurricanes

the aftermath of stupid facebook sabotage came anyway
-
or maybe its because of a few defiant comments
-
bleah
-


my thoughts upon the whole affair is this I guess
-
firstly, everyone somehow likes scandal... its really lame
seriously... and well she doesn’t deserve it... all the stupid teasing
-
I don’t like her in the way i like(or used to like) someone else ...
-
secondly, i guess I am a bit well, sian
it’s the whole “emil is a total joke” kind of thing...
esp some of the comments...
-
but compare it to some of the other jokes they had in the past involving my “twin”
-
well I guess its natural...


bleah, I don’t want another HG like incident
not funny...

Thursday 30 April 2009

Dream

I had a dream
-
i woke up, not knowing what it was about
-
I just knew
it was a happy one
and you were inside somehow...
-


finally got a reply, unsuccessful
-
I guess , where to go from now
-
that’s the question...

Friday 24 April 2009

Streams

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.


When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,

a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.


My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.

By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God, my rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"

As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
-
Psalms 42

Wednesday 22 April 2009

Paranoia

sometimes it seems that way
after what happened with regard to last year
-
maybe I’m rather insecure... I’m scared that history repeats itself yet again...
-
yet everything is a matter of perception


one of my OETI buddies was sharing to me about his antics in liking a person
-
“then they found out and told everyone”
“lan lan she find out and started avoiding me like siao”
-
haha, at least i didn’t get it that bad... even though i was getting swanned left right centre 1-2 years ago,
but at least we remained friends haha
-


yeah, I was a bit freaked out by the facebook incident... but yeah
-
most people tell me to just laugh it off
since it’s really nothing
-
haha


yeah and I’m getting rather well...
seems like paranoia when i can mistake J low’s pic to be someone else
stupid lah, dunno why all the NSF’s with the same haircut look the same
-
anyway today... a certain C HQ was trying so hard to get me into trouble
but he’s fighting a losing battle either way
-
1. The PC doesn’t want to go through all the paper work and everything.
-
2. The way C HQ pushes forward his argument will definitely annoy the PC... He’s not doing it right... I was simply trying to keep quiet ... needless to say who will get a better impression...
-
3. The PC has a way better impression of me than C HQ, while I try to keep a positive attitude most of the time, C HQ normally complains...
-
4. While C HQ might be able to get the support of some of the platoon mates, I also can get my own support from some of the others, including Luqman and some of the other malays,,,
-
5. The PC knows that if he does do an investigation... and I get implicated... I’ll most likely push it up to the CI...

-
essentially, the benefits of being a pseudo white-horse is showing through...
-
...take that, ya stinkin b*stard...
-

Monday 20 April 2009

the waiting game

I’m tired of it all
-
messing around something you really rather not do...
simply waiting for time pass by
-
and also waiting for a reply which never came /will come...
stupid NUS...
-


Sigh, will You make a way?
-
I really dunno =(
-
I want to do sometime meaningful...
but somehow so many things have been shut off...
-
since the first sat of april
-
too


well if someone has had the objective of making my life in ns as horrible as he can
he’s largely succeeded
-
I’m quite sian about it
-
wish i could get back to school...

The Endweek

as my thoughts think back upon the past few days
-
I guess most of what I would be thinking of would be in the previous post... password protected eitherway
-


first thing to say:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PETRINA CHENG!!!!
-
Haha, anyway I hope you liked the card and present if you’re reading this hehe
-

anyway as wondering... as Marc and everyone says, even what i believe in
is that when God closes doors he normally opens other at the same time
-
perhaps, involvement in Kevin’s vision of the GMC youth band might be a way God could use me
-
since I already felt convicted, that God was calling me to 2 ministries... that of outreach and worship
-
but somehow wondering where would hearing resounding choruses of the songs we wrote in songs4him.wordpress.com in events such as Loudfest and FOP lead to...
-
even as sometimes, I have my reservations of such events, sometimes I feel they tend to elevate human emotions above God
-
but I guess , if it is an opportunity to bless people with the testimony of the songs we wrote...
I might as well give it a shot...
pray more about it i guess...

anyway after that meeting which left me late to join the BB gang for lunch/shopping?
-
and somehow... I dunno, I get really irritated with some people sometimes
like i see a trend... liking to sticky yourself to people I’m closer or ’seem closer’ to...
and after that try to chase me away
-
sigh, I wonder why I try to be so nice to you when I can...
I should have just followed advice and leave you alone then...
-
somehow past apologies seem so hollow
when you still do the same to me all the time after everything is over...
-

haha its quite stupid
the way some people think...
-
esp. the idiot who messed with my facebook status... ...
-
anyway that statement was true...
but not exactly in the way that people will interpret...
haha...
-
after all, I do love all my close friends
=p haha

Sunday 19 April 2009

Beginnings of a song

Chorus:
But I will worship you oh Lord
You're my strength my portion
I will wait upon you Lord
I know You'll surely come....
-
Password protected post

Thursday 16 April 2009

Strange how a conversation can go....

force-feeding the same old concepts into people isn’t going to work
-
everyone knows we should not sin
-
yet we still do... we do what we do not want to do...
-
because no matter how hard we try,
human efforts will not work... we still stumble and fall
only God can change our hearts, and give us the strength and His spirit to overcome
-


-
the important thing is, in every decision, is to always point it towards Jesus
-
yeah, but problem is, so many times we’re scared to do that,
esp. when we already know He’s most likely going to say something we might not like...
-
but God calls us to surrender, even when its hard
after all Jesus said
“If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)
-


we like to fit God into our hopes, our plans...
we cheapen God who measures the universe with the span of His hand
into a mere genie in a bottle...
-
Asking is not wrong
but we must always have the attitude of Jesus when he prayed in Gethsemane:
“If its possible, take this cup from me... yet not my will, but Your will be done” (Matthew 26:39)
-