Expectations

when you give much to something
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isn’t more often than not you expect much back in return?
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so when I gave my heart to a person
and when I didn’t get it back, it definitely hurt
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when I gave my commitment to an organisation
and it rejected me, it definitely hurt
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but, now, if I give my trust to someone?
I wonder...
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like I said
I probably expect too much sometimes... ...

Disappearing into Indifference

somehow thats what I have become of late
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indifferent to everything around me
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whether it be to arguing with Kenneth and not really caring about it
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Or ignoring something that would have made me very concerned a few months back..
even though I know how it feels, if the issue is really about oco...
I had my turn one week before Enrollment parade
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“we have enough, we dont need you”
I knew it was just a lame excuse... but back then it hurt a lot
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imagine 6 years of life in this ministry
3 nights of going home at 3am in the morning...
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and you tell me you don’t want me
even though you said God equips the called and not vice versa
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after all the bible does tell us that we are like jars of clay
and Jesus is the treasure within...
although we are weak, He makes us strong
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something I thought set the organisation apart
was the notion of Christ centered-ness
“the advancement of Christ Kingdom among boys”
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but really, maybe its just changed to be the “youth organisation of choice”
ran secularly and all that...
essentially lost focus... just another UG competing with scouts and all there is out there...

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I know I have a lot of characteristics that are my weakness
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be it impulsive, short tempered,
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But I also know “God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” (1 Cor 1:27)
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Jesus also said:
“And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it will be more bearable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that town.”(Matt 10:14-15)
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a need to move on I guess... for now at least...
which I have done in part... church music ministry...

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indifference seems to be a pretty effective way to protect myself
if you don’t get emotionally involved, you cant get hurt after all...
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somehow I only left 2 friends that I can really trust and can confide with most stuff
just that both of them would be going overseas soon
sigh
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maybe its time I got back to God... asked Him to fill my life again
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after all, indifference is just a form of escapism
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Trusting that He makes all things new in His time...

disintegrations

bitterness is what is left when one tries to cut off everything
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In the past:
“I don’t want her to become hurt more than necessary”
“you’re not the one to be the one who helps her, you can only trust God that if she does fall, He’ll be the one who picks her up”
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I’m not in any position to dictate how people should run their lives
whether I think its right or not, dressing, lifestyle, anything...
even if I care for them...
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I still care, yet I cant...
because I have to let go, I cannot hurt myself anymore
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so maybe by doing so
I end up hecking everything... “I dont care” attitude
even though deep down, I probably still care...
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Like today:
“go shelter her” (John)
“I need to pass you your specs, never mind she wont want anyway, you go shelter her”
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comparing to 6 months ago, where I simply didn’t care about myself...
leaving the comfort of a room out to pouring rains for her sake
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and everyone seems to think I’ve somehow ‘switched targets’
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which isn’t really true... close intimate friendship does not equate romantic interest...
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I have no interest in getting attached at the moment...
not until I’ve grown more emotionally mature to handle it...
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just that the lot of you simply want to make things awkward for your entertainment
esp. someone who seems to take it upon her self as her duty to “protect”
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well at least I managed to enjoy a nice day with tim,
while all you know how to do is make things awkward...
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meekness

something I think I lack now...
ability to control my emotions
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was forced to relive a string of unpleasant memories today
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due to the excess of free time forcing everyone to have to talk about their “love lives”
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so maybe I just had to talk about whatever happened in Y5 and leave it as that
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sigh, people I know who could help me forget and move on
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but maybe not facing up to it is simply running away
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I know perfectly well
I can never ever end up committing my emotions fully to another person until I’ve dealt with my past
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but I wish I could... sometimes...
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cringing at the thought of clubbing and drinking
and “going wild”
as how I remember how Charles said before, near a Seah Im hawker centre
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sigh
maybe that’s why it was never meant for me

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maybe I could retain the naive thinking
drawing closer to God, leading to who He would give
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simply waiting for the right time and not jump unto it
a laughable idea to everyone else...
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give me faith to believe that...
faith built upon the Rock, which is sure and steadfast

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and regarding the thing everyone keeps bugging me about...
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I am not looking for something along that lines,
if I was I wouldn’t try in that way
“terrorising”
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since “I’m not emotionally ready” eitherway
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think along the lines of how she once told me to “stop bullying tim”

My little Home Studio Setup

Thought I“ll show off a bit today =)
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Picture:

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Equipment:
AT2020 Cardioid Condenser microphone
Alesis Multimix 6 FX
M-Audio Firewire Audiophile (Grats to Kevin)
Logic Pro 8

Instruments:
Yamaha PSR E405 - via USB midi
Taylor 314CE
Baby Taylor (not in picture)
Fender American Highwayone Telecaster
Maestro UC-20 Ukulele
Yamaha Upright Grand Piano (not in picture)

Wishlist:
Drum machine
Bass Guitar
Electric Amps (although Logic Guitar amp Pro is really good enough for now)
Yamaha USB Studio Controller 88 keys/ KORG K88
Logic Mackie Controller
Rack Mount Pre-amp units
Classical guitar(my sis sold my previous one =( )

Current capabilities:
Up to 4 channel recording (via sound card / interface)
Up to 6 channel monitoring (2 via sound card, 4 via interface)

Hydraulic Rooms

idle conversations
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an attempt in assimilating me into everything
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“Emil is not interested in girls”
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“are you gay?”
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“I’m not gay, I’m just not obsessed, I don’t think its right...”
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“are you a guy or what?”
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and HQ had to speak...
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“he never ... anyway”
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while HHHu asked about it
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with my defiant answers that HQ was making rubbish claims
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which were true
just not in the way they thought it meant
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all these interrogations
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in the midst of more other stuff...
when you keep insisting of pushing a point which may not be true to begin with
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I find that it becomes harder to firmly decide that its not true
after all there really isn’t anything hard about making it true
just my choice NOT to...
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heh, and you really have double standards anyway
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I just wish I could talk to Tim... =(
talking with other close friends just isn’t the same =/
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Looking for a saviour

today as Simon shared
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a reminder
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“if we had one wish that meant everything to us”
“we spend all our time chasing after it”
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“but we either suffer crushing disappointment if we fail”
“or have a temporary euphoria that last for a while, before we realise it cannot fill”
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“we all have a God shaped hole in out hearts”
“Jesus is the only thing in which when you fail, He will forgive you”
“and if you get, He will fulfil you”
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in contrast, Hollywood morals, the movie I watched today
love, sex and marriage
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the most important thing to them

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sigh
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lets say if I really do get over being hurt so badly...
but that hurt is so painful
that I don’t want to be hurt again
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say if that was true in both ways
but it would just be temporary euphoria anyway
not how Hollywood portrays it
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and either way nothing lasts
even the few sweet wrappers in my wallet, the yellow card in my room will probably go away too
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only Jesus will...
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Moral Reversals

I remember, in the months following the February of 2007, I had a series of bizarre or unsettling dreams/nightmares involving the issues that i was struggling with at that time...
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i somehow seem to remember one of them quite clearly... the pretext was some mini-calandar meeting?
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when somehow it seemed as if i didn’t care about the other for another
let you have it while I settle for something else...
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maybe it was a reflection or foreshadowing of my present state...
or struggle to set my thoughts straight
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in army there are a lot of reverse morality, like how in King Lear we studied how virtue was made crime... how evil was made into good and good evil
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same here
where idle talk and lewd language are made right
and excommunicating one from the group wrong
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where being civil and pleasant no longer becomes a granted
but where “no one owes you a right to be nice to you”
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where everything is okay, except don’t get caught
sigh
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resisting assimilation into reverse morals
is hard...

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I wonder how a piece of white cloth can have any significance...
something I have too
something I used to wear
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but I don’t even know what my thoughts are... now
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moving on to the future...

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Disney movies...
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a memory
when you wish upon a star...
the stuff that kids grow up happy with...
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“I feel so happy,”
“but some wishes don’t come true... sigh”
looking at two other people in front of me
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you wonder what happens as we move on
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go our separate ways... whether to army. to UK, to Canada, to Uni, to wherever in the world
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Would we forget...?
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maybe why my time with you is so precious to me
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while I also wish i had more time with tim
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sigh...

I remember

how I told God a year ago
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that it was worth giving up everything...
about how I felt about stuff
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for the sake of a friend’s salvation
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well it wasn’t the same thing I expected
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but yeah...
i guess its good too... that they did find God
eventually
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awesome

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on the other hand about today
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I find it very amusing that the 2 of you(LM, Eve) want to so called “protect” your ‘girlfriend’ away from me...
stay away from her you say
haha
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heh
I wouldn’t have said the same thing 2 years ago during bio study...
but i guess that’s because its different
haha
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highly amusing you aren’t keen of keeping me away from another person... not like it matters anyway...
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its strange haha...
sorting out thoughts...
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I wonder if there really is a difference between mind and state of mind...
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like the whole Plato cave analogy... what you think it is isn’t what it is...

you have NO RIGHT

to call any of my friends ugly or anything
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esp. the one you mentioned today
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insult me all you want
but leave it at that
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don’t ever talk nasty things about other people you don’t even know
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I dunno how on earth can a person be as UGLY in character as that...
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RARRR... wish I could squash you like an ant...

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for the record, I’m not referring to any of the people outside my camp

River flows in You

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I heard this first in played with the SAC piano
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in choir room - Shawn
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sigh... past memories again...

something evidently is wrong

when the beating pace quickens
when the thoughts shift
thoughts...
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this isn’t the way its supposed to work
or is it bound to happen?
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Catharsis

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wait wait wait... ...