4.6

Was it worth it? sigh :/

Dystopian universe

---

Being alone in hall on Christmas eve and probably Christmas day

yet isn’t Christmas supposed to be about hope?

---

I love stories of dystopian universes, like Orwell’s 1984, Hurxley’s Brave New World. We like to think of our progress as success, but maybe there’s so much more to life than that…

Just watched Hunger Games (over the net). Maybe I should try to pick up a copy of the book. Haha. it seems interesting...

Last christmas I gave you my heart…

Another pathetically weird dream.

---

I dunno whats wrong with me now. I keep having these weird dreams I don’t want to have, consecutively.

Bluebird

---

Thinking of what songs we could perform this coming year…

---

I sometimes wish I didn’t commit myself to doing URECA. I have no idea what I’m doing now :/

That unsettling feeling juxtaposed with dysthymia

I dunno who I can talk to about this.

There are people I want to talk to whom I shouldn’t talk to

There are people I can talk to but they won’t help

and there are people whom I can’t talk to at all

---

sigh… I’m not ready to give up everything just yet…

The Tower

“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple.

For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’

Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace.

So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be My disciple.”

(Luke 14:26-33)

---

There is an abandoned construction piece, shall we call it a tower, at Khon Kaen, next to the Charoenthani Hotel. It was apparently supposed to be another grand and tall hotel building, construction started sometime in the 1990s.

Then the asian financial crisis struck, and the project was abandoned, and left derelict, an empty shell.

---

I’ve seen projects like these in other places, such as Indonesia. Typically, they end up being abandoned, and eventually, years later, someone comes in, demolishes whatever’s left, and restarts from scratch.

Perhaps, maybe one’s Christian walk is like that. I used to be pretty, shall we say, ‘on fire’ about Christianity, and wanted to serve and do things in many areas. Then suddenly out of nowhere, a lot of disappointments and closed doors cropped up, leaving me tired, worn out, and apathetic.

But perhaps it’s this testing process, of demolishing whatever’s been put up without much thought, that prepares one to the disciple that God calls one to be. Zeal alone, emotional highs, cannot bring one far in spiritual growth. Rather, it is the deliberate, conscious commitment and conviction, and careful consideration of the cost, which leads one to spiritual maturity.

And Christianity, as always, is all about surrendering our plans , hopes, dreams to Jesus. And knowing that He makes things beautiful in its time…

Camels and needles

Typing this some where in Korat province. We were stranded somewhere near the border of khon kaen because the bus broke down, so we had to switch buses. in the waiting time of 2 hours, we spent talking to each other. I had the opportunity to talk to Kien Ann, the BB thailand Director and Singaporean Missionary. He asked me a few questions about whether I felt convicted to do something beyond short terms mission over here

---

Felt really uncomfortable after that. I knew a few years ago I ever considered doing more in Thailand. But I left that aside a long time ago. Particularly after what happened to my sister, I didn’t think it was a good idea to think about it. I also remember a few youth camps ago, I was wondering if God was calling me to something beyond my current ministry in Christianity.

Pastor Issiah prophesied to me a few years ago that “God has a great destiny for me” - specifically. I dunno what prompted him to tell me that, but during the few times I bump into him, he reaffirms that. But I don’t know if its in the area of missions, or worship or both.

---

The Thai youths, children and teachers & Christian workers inspire me every time I talk to them (with my horrible thai) and find out more. Christianity in Singapore is so much more plastic and more about putting up a front. But over here, everything seems more real, the struggles they face, their uninhibited worship sessions…

---

I remember talking during CF camp about missions, and Thailand. And I guess what really got me interested was how you shared about missions to Thailand too… But it’s not important anyway

---

I wonder how much I’m willing to give up if it comes to this… But I also would like to do something related to my major too, working with the special needs community. Sigh…

Concerned Silence

Maybe I have no right in intruding myself into the lives of others.

But I find my thoughts drifting back to Singapore while being inspired by the lives of thai children

And I wonder whats troubling you, but I dare not ask or say anything about it. If I’m supposed to leave it be, I shouldn’t

---

I found myself having recurring nightmares even in Thailand, waking up in the middle of the night.. Maybe I’m having post-traumatic stress disorder after the past week of exams, but the stupidest part is that all involved some exams I’m not involved in (Chinese, Stats…). And although the matter doesn’t occupy my waking hours that much anymore, I still dream vividly about you.

---

Busying myself interacting with the Thai children and attempting to communicate to them in a mixture of broken Thai and English, watching how they worship God in the school with such energy and passion… these make me happy, contented and inspired each and everyday. In fact, I don’t feel lethargic, depressed or unhappy in any way. But yet I wonder why these dreams and unconscious thoughts still plague me at night? Maybe it’s true that I draw energy and strength from being around and working with other people, but the silence of night and sleep brings out these unsettled cognitions and emotions that still dwell within.

---

Maybe thats why being cooped up in my room alone during the exam period produced the most amount of melancholy and dysthymia in me. I hope when this trip is over - in a few days time. I’ll be able to adapt and not fall back into this trap of negative rumination and self-depreciation. And maybe slowly, in the right time, the issue will resolve itself the way its supposed to me. God will make everything beautiful in its time...

---

I guess, there will be people we care about who end up not caring about us in the same way… But God cares about us, and thats enough…

Times have changed

I remember a few years ago, I was rather upset about being told I wasn’t temperamentally suited to serve in a certain area of ministry. And in the end, it meant that I ended up moving else where to find a different avenue of service.

Now, I’m back, in contact with the people whom I might have had a chance to impact during the past 3 years. Not sure if they still remember me as one of the pseudo instructors who appeared during their first camp that many years ago… it was my first block leave I had from army too...

---

It feels rather strange. I guess I’ve changed a lot too. I used to be easily led on by emotions and driven by passion. Now it seems that I’m in a position where I’m just letting God show me where to go, day by day. I’m no longer a person who takes what people say to me at face value, and end up scrutinising every word in an effort to decipher a person’s intentions

---

Times have changed over here in Khon Kaen, Thailand too. 6 years ago, during my first trip in June, there were fewer cars, fewer buildings, and less people. No big shopping malls and franchise eateries. No super fast 3G internet or WiFi either.

Yet things have not changed too. I still see the same city shrine pillar, the same forgotten construction shell, the same slums, the same orphanage. The cycle of poverty still continues despite advancements elsewhere.

---

I still think about stuff everyday. Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother when it’s unlikely thinking about it is going to make a difference. I’m still the same person, a little insecure and trying to find a way through this confusing world of meaningless concepts and questions, life goals that give temporal satisfaction while leaving you wondering if working for them was worth it.

We ate ramen today. Tonkushu ramen, with chicken karrage and charshu. Thailand on the whole is changing so much that even international cuisine has been introduced and aggressively franchised, albeit with some thai modifications. The charshu wasn’t the melt in the mouth kind though, so I just gave it away. I still don’t really like the texture of pork that much.

---

As we passed by the AIDS orphanage. I remember one of the officers in 2007 who joined us for the trip. He was sharing his testimony about his battle with cancer back then to encourage the children and the mission workers. Just last year, he had a relapse and cancer claimed his life. Life may be short, but I guess what really matters in the end is that we lived a life to the full, and died giving glory to God.

I kept wondering though. I never expected during that time that 5 years later, I would be walking down the same path and remembering all that happened.

---

I wish I dared to say how I feel about everything directly. But at the same time I guess theres a time and place, and perhaps now’s not the time? But I guess I want to keep hoping and trusting that God makes everything beautiful in its time. In my life, and in the lives of the many I see here who have yet to come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ...

Surely as the Sun rises

It’s been 2 years since I last changed my blog header skin.

But I want this to be a statement of faith to myself

---

Let us acknowledge the Lord;

let us press on to acknowledge Him.

As surely as the sun rises, He will appear;

He will come to us like the winter rains,

like the spring rains that water the earth.

(Hosea 6 : 3)

---

I took this photo about 8 months ago, after a long tiring night of cycling. The beauty of God’s Creation, the colours, the vibrancy of it all the colours...

Everyday, the sun rises in the morning, giving life to the earth, giving hope for a new day. We don’t think so much about it, but without it, there wouldn’t be much life on earth.

-

Like the sun that comes everyday, He is faithful…

The Silent Observer

Most of us have probably been through a period of time, that somehow, God seems silent. And sometimes it seems like He doesn’t care at all. We go through a rough patch, we ask him for direction and purpose, for comfort, for His love

But it seems like He says nothing at all…

---

Is silence really a measure that God, or a person doesn’t care about you?

---

When a child grows up, his parents nurture, care and protect the child. When he grows older, he learns to walk on his own, to go out into the world and face it. And he grows, not because his parents held his hand all the way and refused to let go, but slowly, surely, let him find his space and independence.

---

Silence is a test of our faith. And it doesn’t mean God is not there or loves us any less. He’s there, watching us, and feeling all our hurt and pain. But He knows that it’s only through the testing of our faith that leads to preserving, and perseverance must finish its work for us to be complete, not lacking anything (James 1:4).

---

Somehow this thought came to me about loving others… Not saying anything might be the best way to go, because letting go is a form of love… if it’s the right thing to do… for this season in time…

-

I said a prayer for you today,
that everything will be okay
& that you may find joy, hope and strength from others around you.

In His Time…

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

What gain has the worker from his toil? I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

Ecc 3:1-11

it's over

For now (:

I realise that being bogged down with this unsettling feeling of not having studied enough really makes it hard to chase off depressive thoughts

---

That being said. Since exams are over I really felt much better. Although I can’t say I’m in a good mood, but at least I have one less thing to worry about

---

Tim used to tell me sadness is a contagious thing. And I think it’s true. Like when we see other people sad and unhappy, especially if they are people you care about , you feel all the more sadder. And it sucks because I really want to find a way to cheer people up, but I can’t because I’m bogged down with my own issues myself. And it’s not as simple as “Emil likes someone that doesn’t like him back” therefore I’m sad. I’d be kinda immature if that’s the reason. I know some people have somehow jumped to that conclusion, or maybe I think so. But it’s not true.

---

Maybe it’s like sometimes I question my motives; a little too much. I sometimes feel ashamed of the stuff I do, the way I think, and the decisions I make. Like I tell myself that I’m only going to trust God to provide for me, and I want to simply be a person who encourages others, to build them up in their walk with God. But sometimes I feel as if I end up stumbling others, or I end up being so self-absorbed and selfish. I know it’s all part of the sinful human nature to be like that, but that’s not what sometime I want to be. And thats why when Roger spoke to me in September about what was going on, I felt really bad. It wasn’t intentional.

---

I remember one of the things I said while we were having ramen that time in JP, was that I don’t believe in rushing into relationships. Some things are not meant to be, and forcing a way into it against God’s will only lead to hurt and pain. Oh course I do have my ideals and expectations of what a relationship should be. Like I always believed that it should work towards something long term, and it should be one of building each other up to strive towards loving God more. And it should be real, the christian life is no bed of roses. We sin, we fall short of God’s perfect standard, and we sometimes let our emotions get the better of us. But after all, isn’t it all part of the beauty of God’s love? Despite our shortcomings and failures, God looks past them in His perfect love. And that love is so much greater, so much more wonderful than any flawed human love can fufill.

---

Emotions are really what makes us human. Sometimes we get upset at ourselves for being upset over things we shouldn’t get upset at. And maybe we wish we never had these feelings in the first place. But imagine for one moment we don’t have emotions? Like the many sufferers of schizophrenia and those with brain damage. Life would be so much less rich, less meaningful and we are essentially robbed of what essentially makes us human. God gave us emotions, for us to experience life the way He intended it to.

---

So at least this marks what I hope is the end of the long chain of self-obsessed posts on my blog. I want this to be a place where I can look back and be encouraged of what I’ve been through in the past, and how God has been there for me. And I also want this place to be a place of encouragement to others too.

Grace

Thankful that I still have other friends to encourage and pull me through

And only by His grace will I pull through…

---

But He said to me : “My Grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Chirst may rest upon me.

2 Cor 12:9

-

Thanks Dilys for sharing that with me (:

Blind

I was young but I wasn't naive

I watched helpless as he turned around to leave

And still I have the pain I have to carry

A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time

I never thought we'd be here

Never thought we'd be here

When my love for you was blind

But I couldn't make you see it

Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more than you'll ever know

A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep

Only in hopes of dreaming

That everything would be like is was before

But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting

They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time

I never thought we'd be here

Never thought we'd be here

When my love for you was blind

But I couldn't make you see it

Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more than you'll ever know

A part of me died when I let you go

After all this time

Would you ever want to leave it

Maybe you could not believe it

That my love for you was blind

But I couldn't make you see it

Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more than you will ever know

A part of me died when I let you go

And I loved you more than you'll ever know

A part of me dies when I let you go

F=ma

Finally managed to push myself off the inertia and get down to serious studying.

-

---

And I managed to whatsapp Tim to talk. It’s hard to talk when we’re so far apart, but thanks for being there for me… But I really need people who can be there to talk to me instead of me posting all these stuff here. Although expressing myself here might help me in the short run, but I cannot expose myself so much :/

-

I’m scared that people would start talking and stirring nonsense again. it’s bad

-

---

“we need to talk”

Scary sounding words, but I think thats the only way things can go…

I need to get down to repairing all the bridges I burnt in the past… getting real…

-

but I don’t know how to say these words in a right manner to the right people

---

I think back again at the HP3702 exam. Why is it that the closest friend I had a year ago isn’t talking to me anymore? I’m also scared that I’ll screw this up a second time. It’s annoying because once we start getting too close to people we care about, we end up pushing them away from us…

-

Maybe it’s a guy thing to want to feel in control of a situation. we see a problem, we go straight to it and try to fix it.

But lately I’ve been feeling as if things are spinning out of control, and I don’t even know what to do or say.

---

Maybe I need to just take a step back, remove myself from the situation and pray…

intrusive dreams

you butted into my dreams and reminded me that I needed to study

-

weird but otherwise, I realise it’s true

-

---

okay today I shall mug.

-

but why do I need a figment of my imagination to tell me to do what I’m supposed to do...

No mood

to study :(

I spent the whole day shopping for music stuff (and I bought a Line6 Pod HD400 - finally I have a pedal board of my own)

and stoning, and jamming

and having dinner at can2 with vicki and bumping into aleem

everything except studying.

---

why can’t I forget the whole business and care about myself for once?

Beautiful Imperfection

This is actually a repost of a pretty old commercial:

As much as I dont like Gahmen propaganda

But it’s still really meaningful, even as I decided to reread all the posts I posted in the past.

---

I’m definitely not perfect, neither is anyone else.

we all have our fears, our secrets, our baggage from the past

but love looks beyond these faults. And that’s what really matters in the end.

---

and I quote one of my older posts:

you know. it doesnt make a difference if you hold on to hope vs liking the person and giving up hope.
liking/love is hope in itself.

After reading through

the past few entries in my blog over the year.

I realised the quality of my posts have degenerated into self-obsessed rants

But it also seems as if this is where I end up saying things I wouldn’t otherwise be able to say otherwise

---

so what’s about this issue I’m grappling with that seems to take over my entire thought life? sigh :/

statistical nightmares

I had a really bad dream yesterday, about exams

-

And the most retarded part was that I wasn’t taking that paper today. I took that paper 1 year ago actually :/, and my juniors were taking that paper today.

-

I’ve been more concerned about other people’s stuff than my own. it’s not good. it’s also none of my business

---

and I feel more alone every time. Sigh… not having my peers to talk to after my exams is a very strange feeling...

Grade Point Average

I wish I could just not be intimidated by those 3 words :(

Shine

-

Shine Your light so I can see You

Pull me up, I need to be near You

Hold me, I need to feel love

Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?

one more day...

“you should really focus on your coming papers”

-

Well another friend probed and I told her a bit of the story

but it was kinda weird because a little over half a year ago I was being stirred to death about her by my hall people

-

But I’m really thankful I still have her as a good friend. There was a point of time I felt as if people made it seem as if I was poisonous and something dirty, something no one will ever want to be associated with.

-

And I was questioning myself too. But I figured after a while it wasn’t the right thing to do anyway… the closest I ever came to the question was asking what she felt about the whole stir shit nonsense. She just told me to ignore it. Good advice.

-

If I did attempt to initiate something then, it would have been simply been a shallow, selfish way of boosting my self-worth… Which isn’t found in having a romantic partner, but a relationship with God. And satisfaction is not found in human love but the love that God gives…

-

---

I woke up today, and thought perhaps it’s be a day spent mugging up whatever was left. Felt much better after dying yesterday.
-
Then I got a call.

Then I made a 2 hour diversion away from my study schedule…

-
I was scolding myself and engaging in counterfactual thinking the whole time:

“Emil, you got your priorities all wrong...”

“There is a HSS FAL to print stuff, you didn’t have to do it”
“You could have just passed the printed stuff and let it be”
“You have an exam tomorrow, you need to study ”

Well evidently I didn’t care about myself, or my exam at all. I probably qualify for some form of delusional disorder or mental illness it seems… ‘Dysfunction“

I hope I’m not being taken for granted… sigh..

---

“…love as Christ loved the church… ”(Eph 5:25)

Although the idea of being able to emulate the kind of love God gave us, that is, a self-sacrificial unconditional love seems like a nice thing to work towards.

But it’s damn bloody hard. How do you love without expecting reciprocation and something in return? Even my social psychology textbook tries to redefine altruistic behaviour as non-existent and operating on a utilitarian or ethical egoistic principles.

Sigh… if Jesus was indeed fully human, it must have been really painful to be led like a lamb to the slaughter, and die while being mocked and insulted.

again...

it was all fine and dandy. stealing a chair from the reading room, setting up a temporary table, laughing, enjoying being around with you all, being pretty happy and all that

-

---

Then as soon as dinner was over, after you left, suddenly. BAM. I felt really tired and depressed. I dunno why it just hit me.

And I started to feel like really really shitty.

And all the nasty thoughts and everything I’ve been holding back for the past few days came back to haunt me.

Aleem and Vicki saw me in that state - but I just started getting whiny and told them I was tired. And I just fell asleep in my room with them there….

---

I dunno whats wrong with me. Told myself that I didn’t care about anything anymore, I just wanted to stay happy and not re-visit the horrible month of September where I just had no motivation to do anything at all, not even study or attend lectures. But one cascading thought came after another, each more self-depreciating than the one before. Even sleep didn’t have the usual therapeutic effect it has. Fell asleep shitty, woke up shittier.

I miss having friends like Tim, or even John Tay, Daniel, Ding or Xunliang to talk to in times like this. At least in IB, they were all there to support me and pull me though the times I felt insecure and crappy. But I seemed like I retreated into my own bubble in NTU while they’re studying elsewhere.

---

I wonder where it goes from now on… fight it, fight it off and be strong…

2 days before exams

and I still don’t feel stressed

-

or prepared for that matter

ugh :(

Not a day goes by...

without the all too familiar roller-coaster thoughts and emotions

without me thinking about you in one way or another

---

it’s almost obsessive, and it’s probably stupid and silly of me to be like this

but I don’t want to get upset and overthink this matter.

I rather stay happy and be glad you’re in some ways part of my life for now than to over think it…

Optimism is the way to go haha

---

I don’t want you think that you’re obliged to owe me something and feel bad about it.

Being a friend to me is probably the best I can ever ask for now…

In fact the last few days have been the happiest(and also the most confusing) days of my life for a while…

I gave up trying to tell my mind to stop going crazy already...

---

i guess, if things aren’t meant to be they just aren’t …

perhaps one day we’ll both move on in life and never see or talk to each other again… perhaps

-

---

Tim and I wrote this as a farewell song to another friend a long time ago…:

-

We will worship Jesus together

When He comes again…

-

The greatest reunion...

Regression, Repression, Depression...

today, or rather yesterday was bizzare

-

I’m kinda at a loss to describe how I felt, but it was a bit surreal.

but I really enjoy studying with other people much more than studying alone…

---

The whole idea of repression is interesting. We can force our thoughts and feelings away down into out unconscious mind, but it’s very, VERY difficult to repress one’s body language. Like I read some study/stories that individuals with Wernicke’s Aphasia (who couldn’t understand words) were able to detect if individuals were lying solely based on their facial expressions and body language, and surprisingly were much more adept at detecting lies than regular individuals (p<0.05)

Okay, the 'p< 0.05' wasn't necessary, but considering I've been helping all sorts of different people with their stats the last few days, not surprising it popped up.

-

But unconsciously or otherwise I found myself in a really weird seating posture a few times. After that I readjusted myself, but it still came back. Daheck lol. silly brain.

---

And I think there’s one more thing I’m supposedly good at (besides stats), which is to make people ‘feel bad’. I mean if I don’t really mind going all out for another person, it’s my choice, and I guess the other individual doesn’t need to feel obliged to reciprocate? I don’t really know actually… but I always believed that we should not just repay a good deed, but pass it on to others. It makes the world a happier place(:

---

I guess, the way things are, it is so much a normal part of the human development. Emotions are really what defines the human experience(okay I know they replicated ‘depression’ in rats, but whatever). And rather than fight against it, we should just enjoy it as it comes(:

I guess, just leave it as it is (:

Betty

Yeah I know I should be sleeping. lol...

...You've got your secrets, you've got your regrets

Darling, we all do...

Wise men say:

Only fools rush in…

but I can’t help

Falling in love with you…

nice cover (:

Suicide Idealation

Is a very depressing chapter to study:

-

---

you learn so much about how these individuals who seem okay, but deep down they’re screaming and crying out for someone, somebody to listen to them

-

that suicide becomes a way for them to express themselves to an uncaring world...

I feel

that I have no right to feel the way I feel when I see stuff like that

it’s technically none of my business

but I wish I could be the one to tell you that it’s not true, even though I don’t know what’s going on…

---

it’s as if some magic spell was cast that binds my emotional state to another person

but it’s starting to invade every aspect of my thought life.

---

I really need to get down to some serious studying and stop thinking about this matter. this matter can wait, but my exams can’t…

but I’m scared if I repress it too much I’ll start getting nightmares and go crazy after a while :/

Whatever it takes

love is:

" a form of mental illness not yet recognized in any of the standard diagnostic manuals."

- Stuart Sutherland, Psychologist, 1989

---

it’s something I wish and hope remains special, and it’s not just about feelings, emotions,

it’s not just about reciprocation, because if all someone cares about is getting something back in return, it isn’t real.

it’s about showing what it means to love, not just in what you say…

---

with that being said, I believe love has it’s proper place and time…

I can’t say I love a person in that sense, unless I really know the person, and appreciate who she is in all the imperfections and shortcomings that make her who she is.

Otherwise I’m merely blind, stupid or insane. No one is perfect, but we are made perfect through love(1 John 4:18)

---

if you’re reading this, and you know who I’m thinking of, or maybe you don’t

but I remember that:

“We love because He first loved us” 1 John 4:19

and we don’t deserve God’s love, but He still gives it to us anyway…

---

Vicki randomly asked me what traffic light status I was today. Pretty obvious I never had anyone else before…

but I wonder whether it’s as obvious as some people have pointed out…

sigh. I feel like I’m repressing a lot of what I’d like to say and feel,

because I don’t want to say the things you don’t want to hear…

Maybe I should talk to someone else about it…

In my place (II)

were lines that I couldn’t change…

how long must you wait for it?

---

I could stand here and wait

and believe and hope someday

I could tell you about it

---

Or I could leave it be

and just know its just the way things are meant to be...

the silliness of it all

crazy irrational thoughts, repression, knowing that it is merely wishful thoughts,

I really feel as if I’ve been stretched really thin so far,

maybe its just a way of coping and avoiding those self-condemning thoughts that pop up, busy yourself with everything, so you don’t have time to think.

---

Is there a way out from this besides a potentially destructive catharsis which could mean I lose everything, with not even friendship to speak about?

I feel so at a loss for words to say how I really feel about everything around me. Like I know I’m expected to say, talk and behave in a certain manner, I know I’m being stupid… but I also wonder whether you know how I actually feel about it.

I know it’s a perfectly normal part of development: Erikson’s Intimacy vs isolation life task, but I’m stuck with what the textbook terms as rejection sensitivity… anxious insecure attachment

but knowing all these doesn’t change the way I feel...

---

Anyway one of my major CF commitments is over - somehow YGAF didn’t turn out the success that I hoped it would be. I met up with a few people I haven’t had the chance to meet and interact for quite a while… and I’m not sure what I expected either… I guess everyone is busy with exams and it wasn’t the best time, but oh well...

Half of my heart

---

Wonder when I’ll need to move on again… it seems like forever…
since I first met you, since I began sharing my life with you, since I was told to leave you alone, since we didn’t talk, since we started talking again…
but I still haven’t resolved the feelings within me…

Behavioural Inhibition System

I haven’t yet resolved the conflict within myself.

It’s scary because i know how dangerous it is and how much it can really ruin things if I made a mistake.

-

I thought to myself about the 3 different aspects of psychology we study today:

Affect

Behaviour

Cognition

-

What matters a lot is really how we present ourselves to others, our behaviour.

Deviant emotion and cognition can easily be hidden so no one knows what you’re really feeling or thinking

but people judge you based on how one behaves, they respond based on that…

How well adjusted one appears is based off behaviour..

---

So if I suppress my thoughts and my emotions, would it work out better in the end?

Ironically while everything about the issue I’m grappling with can make me deliriously happy, in the same way it can make me utterly depressed.

-

This guy said it well:

"Love is a form of mental illness not yet recognised in any of the standard diagnostic manuals." - Stuart Sutherland

Draw a line

Not sure how to feel about it.

-

---

Granted, I’m more cautious, while I can inhibit behaviour and impulses,

I’m still very bad at handling intrusive thoughts

-

I’m scared. I know its not meant to be, but I’m still vulnerable…

Up and down

Thankful for being appreciated (:

and the awesome people working with me

-

but wondering about the past

and hoping for the best in the future...

Wish I was cold as Stone

I wouldn’t hurt this way…

it's a quarter after one

I’m all alone, and I need you now :’(

its not the same...

---

This semester seems to be chaos…

I thought I had everything planned out, step down from some roles, move up on to other things

-

but everything seems to be screw up after screw up, disappointment after disappointment…

---

I took a jog around at 4am the other night. down to Yunan gardens and the Nanyang arch.

sat down

cried

asked God why things turned out the way they did...

---

“they don’t want you because of your character”

-

but its lies that people say, and construals and impressions,

because they don’t know what I actually said, did or asked last year…

-

---

you don’t have to apologise if its not your fault…

you don’t have to blame yourself if its not your fault…

-

and you dont need to care what people say about you

it’s your heart and conscience that matters

and God knows and sees your heart...

Counterfactual Thinking

But life isn’t like a computer programme where you can just Ctrl(Cmd) + Z every single thing you did…

Cognitive dissonance

to maintain a stable sense of self, you sit back and change ur choices and thoughts

-

and in effect, rewrite history as it seems…

I don't want to mess this thing up...

I don’t want to push too far…

Friendships and more...

I starred an email a friend sent to me more than a year ago. it was a reminder to me…

---

“ I never knew what your intentions were; all I knew was that I felt uncomfortable…”

“but, emil, you have to learn where to draw the line between treating a friend as a good friend and treating a friend as more than a good friend“

---

My response:

”I've always thought of you as a friend all along... And when people started saying things about us, I was rather confused... On one hand I really treasured the friendship we had... And I didn't want to screw it up because of what other people tell me...“

---

I look at it then and now. Maybe history is repeating itself, 2, 3, times :(

I really hope not though :(

But I dunno why I never ever get a chance to trash talk things out to draw boundaries…

it always progresses to a point of no return…

It's really none of my business...

maybe… the only thing to do is pray...

chasing the blues away

It’s the second time in a week, that I felt such waves of negative emotions overwhelm me, to the point of tears.

---

It’s never just about one issue. Somehow it just seems like I’m spending a lot of my time alone… even a church friend who bumped into me in school a few times seems to point it out.

-

Sometimes the way you treat me, I dunno why I still bother considering you a friend…

I know I said and did stuff last time which you weren’t comfortable with, but you don’t need to do that to me you know…

Whatever happened in the past is over. I did my best to get over it…

I want to pretend whatever I said and did never happened… but you’re not making it any easier for me…

---

After everything, it seems like the best thing to do, with no lunch, and not much appetite, was to go back to the music room in hall to bang out all my frustrations on the piano. Somehow that always seem to work for me…

---

And finally, CF Thurs SS CG… I contemplated switching to another day in lieu of hall commitments, but I’m still not sure. Seeing/catching up with a friend I haven’t spoken/texted since last semester was really uplifting. Even if you didn’t realise it, I really appreciate your friendship… it helped me get through my last semester somehow…

---

God, give me emotional strength to get through this semester, and wisdom to make the right choices and decisions…

I wrote a really long post

About a conversation I had with an old friend, from Hall 12 to Hall 11, slinging a guitar bag, waiting for a bus which never came..

-

But I guess it’s not a good idea to put it here...

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Falling

Cause the best part is falling…

… I hope that you catch me, cause I’m already falling...

Distance...

Time

"Yesterday's the past and tomorrow's the future. Today is a gift - which is why they call it the present."

-- Bill Keane

---

And while we never forget the lessons (and hurts or regrets) of the past, we look forward to what is to come in the future.

And we cherish what we have now, because it’s what makes the difference

Cascades

The random moments of irrationality

when one negative thought leads to another and its like drowning

---

In times like this:

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalms 121

Though I walk through..

...the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil…

for You are with me….

Your rod and staff they comfort me…

---

why am I so scared if there’s nothing to be scared about?

Accolades

all but meaningless to me…

but only because of the grace of the One who has seen me though the past year

and who will see me through the next one and so on…

AY2012/2013

Entering this Acad year with new expectations and hopes.

-

Seems too silly to set goals and stuff, so I guess its:

“Whatever happens, Jesus, You’ll be in control… help me to recognise that… and trust that...”

A Thousand Years

---

We wonder where dreams and hopes go…

of innocent ideas of some ‘perfect one“ to come

when reality strikes, we realise that the ”one“ will never be perfect…

its just the question of whether it’s the right time, the right moment, the right person, and the right circumstances…

In God’s perfect time, place and plan…

---

DISCLAIMER:

The choice of music above is not an indication of any endorsement of the Twilight saga(Movie, not the book). For that matter, I choose the lyric video instead of the MV as I do not need pictures of Kristen Steward and Robert Patterson contaminating my blog…

if it doesn't break your heart...

… it isn’t love…

---

every breath is a second chance…

---

Cause real love

is hard love…
It’s all we have
It’s a break-neck
Train wreck
It’s all we have…

---

song quotes… (:

oh well :/

Harvercity

Most of my friends will probably know my disdain for the theology and practices of the City Harvest Church. I personally object to its doctrines and teachings on prosperity, the “lottery tithe” incentives, and now, the possible fraudulent accounting.

-

---

However at the current state of affairs, with the MSM launching a full on assault against CHC and in essence, the Church in singapore, and the number of spiteful and hurtful comments by Christians (who ironically were not the donors of the CHC funds)

(2 Cor 2:6-8)

If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

In essence, we should support and pray for Pastor Kong Hee, while not making assumptions of his guilt or innocence until the investigations are over. While his theology and lifestyle may not be congruent to what christian living should entail, he is after all , still a brother in Christ. I believe that God has a intention with regard to this incident, and CHC, the church in Singapore, and Pastor Kong Hee will come out from this incident stronger. It is not prosperity that makes a Christian grow, it is the tests, trials and temptations that build out faith.

---

My summarised thoughts on the whole incident:

1. I think if the allegations of deceit and CBT are true as reported by the MSM are true, it is clearly wrong and horrible. Kong Hee and his CHC board must face the music for the damage this incident has done to the church's reputation. Deceit and money laundering is clearly against biblical values

2. However equally bad are the christians who are pouring out fire, hell and brimstone and quoting "go to hell" verses at Kong Hee and CHC. it is completely contrary to the teachings of Christ and the apostles.

3. When everything blows over, CHC, churches and other christian organisations should do a postmortem and see what went wrong. Why was there no one to keep a check on Kong Hee and the board's decisions? I suspect its a classic case of groupthink in CHC.

4. Kong Hee intent is not inherently or deliberately evil. He did not found City Harvest as a means to fleece people of their money. In fact he requested not being paid a salary, but the board insisted until the mid 2000 decade. What probably happened was a slow bit by bit compromise to lead to the lavish lifestyle he leads now.

5. The prosperity gospel is clearly wrong and contrary to biblical teachings. However too few people have dared to stand up against it and shoot it down. It's our responsibility as Christians to warn others about its allure, and convict and convince our church leaders on its dangers.

Random rant about politics in Singapore

Random rant(after reading some comments on FB regarding the HG by-elections):

example:
“If he(Desmond Choo) wins, democracy loses. If he loses, I hope PAP will be fair to him and let him go to another ward.”

Voting for PAP is not "a step backwards for democracy". Democracy simply means I have a right to choose WP, SDP, NSP, SPP, PAP and whatever government I want to have.

It's precisely because we have democracy, which is why 60% still can vote for PAP.

If not you(fanatical Opposition supporters) might as well stage a coup to overthrow the PAP for your deluded perception of democracy....

---

Update:
I posted this as a status, and some FB friends asked me if I was joking about SG having democracy. I don’t know what their idea of democracy is, but to me, they should take a look at countries like China, N Korea, Cuba etc.. to get a better perspective of what “ no democracy entails...

A Model of Abnormality

I write this post with a mixture of sadness and intrigue with regard to what other call “abnormal psychology”

Firstly, abnormality is a strange thing, What does one consider abnormal? Why do we need to label a person abnormal? and what causes a person to be abnormal?

---

I remember when I was young, child pathopsychology was still shrouded in myth and ignorance. Psychiatrists ascribed a whole variety of “psychological” disorders to me, to explain what was ‘deviant’ from normal social functioning. A few of them included ADHD, Dyslexia, Work inhibition, and others. Still others I knew received diagnosis of conduct disorder, Asperger’s syndrome, ODD, GDD… the list goes on…

The effects of such labelling were not very healthy. Classmates, teachers and others saw me differently because of this stigma of being different. I had few close friends, and would probably fall under the social status of “unpopular children”. Others I knew also suffered under the system of bullying and social rejection in the context of the Singapore schools… yet somehow, I emerged well adjusted, facing up to adolescence with a strong sense of identity and self-worth, admitted into college and now studying psychology.

Others I knew did not end up in the same position as I did. I will not comment further, suffice to say, not every person labeled with a childhood psychological disorder emerged out of it well adapted. Also I strongly believe that it is not fair to categorise a person “abnormal” based on a set list of set criteria. Rather,many factors should be accessed on a continuous scale, to classify whether a person displays certain attributes.

---

So firstly, why is there a need to label an individual abnormal? On one hand, it is convenient for professionals to know what form of treatment and therapy is appropriate to correct maladaptive behaviour and reasoning. However in doing so, we create the stigma of discrimination and stereotypes of individuals who receive such a diagnosis. Such people end up becoming an “out-group” prejudiced against by individuals who are not affected by these disorders. Furthermore, these would create a self-fulfilling prophecy, individuals who are treated as “psychological disorders” would end up behaving in response to such treatment, further reinforcing any negative stereotypes and prejudices. Education of caregivers, family members and social contacts is required to prevent such incidents from happening.

---

Secondly what causes a person to be abnormal? For some cases, such as schizophrenia, a clear biological basis can be established. However many of the cases may stem from environmental factors. Last year, I attended a session by SPARK (Society for the Promotion of ADHD Research and Knowledge). A ‘new comer’ parent introduced herself, mentioning that she suspected her daughter may exhibit signs of ADHD. I was rather taken aback; without a proper diagnosis, how can we “confirm” that a person has this disorder? She mentioned that she noticed some quirks about her child, did up some research on the internet and came to the conclusion that her child possess this disorder. Personally, I do not think that does not present sufficient evidence to back up this suspicion. If merely reading up facts about the symptoms of a disorder made a me a qualified person to diagnosis others, I would say that the vast majority of college students suffer from generalised anxiety disorder during the exam periods, and display signs of acute stress disorder after a particularly difficult paper. I would also say that a number of members of my family suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, and quite a few of my female friends suffer from body dysmorphic disorder.

If a parent treats a child with the suspicion that she has a psychological disorder, chances are, a self-fulfilling prophecy may result. Lower self-esteem, along with displaying symptoms of the disorder may occur, and thus result in the manifestation of this disorder. Another case to consider: Anti-social personality disorder. Let say a person has had many issues of hate, violence, and bitterness in one’s childhood. Maladaptive coping, including blaming others, inappropriate discharge of aggression and low threshold of frustration may result, and carry over in adulthood.

---

So how does one treat individuals with psychological disorders? Drugs are one option - however many individuals, including myself, are wary of administering medicine that would interfere with our cognitive function, personality, and sense of self. (I refused to take Ritalin when I was younger). Some religious groups(including christians) in Singapore ascribe demons and spiritual influences on a persons behaviour; exorcism and “casting out” demons would be their method of treatment. However, I am strongly against such a stance. For one, I do not believe that spiritual influences on a persons behaviour would be removed unless an individuals renounces his/her affiliation with such beings(personal sin, etc). Secondly, more often than not, other influences are also working side by side, we cannot merely blame demons for causing a persons behaviour. Finally, forcing a person to undergo rituals of exorcism is humiliating, and violates his/her personal rights, which may lead to more maladaptive thinking and reasoning, eventually culminating in a manifestation of a worse disorder.

What I call for is this, acceptance of a persons individuality, social support, counselling and therapy, and drugs only if necessary or requested. Acceptance of a person and creating a positive sense of worth is important in the treatment of abnormality. Without it, a person will not be motivated to continue treatment. Furthermore, social support is key to allowing a person to cope with the issues faced. Counselling appropriate therapy allows one to slowly change one’s pattern of thinking and relinquish maladaptive thoughts and feelings.

---

*while making this post, I made reference to some individuals I know. For the sake of confidentiality, their names have not been mentioned.

Silence

if there’s nothing to be said
let it be so…

If it’s the right thing to do. I guess I’ll leave it as that.
don’t want to be imposing

---

I don’t really need to care what people say about me

I guess I just need to trust that God will take care of everything in His time…

I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell.
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well…

I won't give up...

'shut up'

hmm…

I wonder as this semester comes to a close

because we learnt so much, but there’s so little time…

And there’s no need to say anything I guess…

Stress, crazy things, lack of sleep, but it was good nonetheless…

Do I dare?

Speak now

or forever hold your peace…

-

---

Maybe I’ve been so obsessed about the “right time”

that by the time I try, it seems like it’s too late?

---

So the question is whether its better to come clean right at the start

or wait and see…

---

perhaps in the case of ambiguity

its best to rely on informative social influence…

---

Rejoice, young man, while you are young, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Follow the inclination of your heart and the desire of your eyes, but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgement.

(Ecc 11:9)

or just go with what I feel and think - the reliance on the amygdala that characterises young adolescence thinking…

Sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead

I don’t want to end up becoming a ‘creep’ though

---

also I keep denying it

-

but I also can’t say I never thought about it…

smile

because I think everything is going to be just fine (:

-

---

A new week is a new start, a new beginning

-

So lets leave the past behind, and look ahead to better things (:

Dissociation

Sometimes, these few days, it seems like I’m living out multiple facades and identities…

-

A) there’s a part of me thats become very cynical and disconnected with my emotions. It’s also starting to doubt whether God know’s what He’s doing. Fits of moodiness, anti-social behaviour and bitterness accompany this identity

B) There’s a part of me that desires to be a better person for God, who believes strongly in social causes and justice. Believes that everything happens for a reason, and that God is just using trials to shape me to a better person...

C) There’s a part of me that is really very upset, and doesn’t like what’s going on. He’s fighting with A and doesn’t want it to ruin my life, especially the friendships that are important to me

D) There ‘s a part that thinks it’s better to move on. He says that “things like this just happen”. He reminds me that there are also a lot of other people who value me as a person, and probably I’ll find another person who’s suitable for me in time to come…

---

‘D’ randomly initiates conversation with certain people, transferring my previous emotional attachments to them, almost as if it were a rebound effect.

Attitudes and reasons - introspection can lead to a behavioural change

Also behaviour can give us assumptions on our own internal state when we’re not too clear whats going on.

Whatever it is that happens after this. I’ll be more careful and not repeat mistakes again.

---

However I think personality ‘A’ is causing me to have dysfunctional attitudes and behaviour towards others… and I’m seemingly becoming increasingly isolated… ‘A’ seems to manifest itself under certain stress conditions…

Thank God for other friends in the meantime…

---

‘C’ shows itself in the quiet of my room, where I’m left with only myself…

---

‘B’ is still dominant when I’m asked about how I feel towards social causes, in CF, or during tutorial discussions about social frameworks to help special needs kids…

---

For that matter, I may sound like a Dissociative Identity Disorder(DID - also known as Multiple Personality Disorder) sufferer in this post. Except I still consider myself as one person, and each facade is just a part of how I’m coping with the situation now. yay.

Also because I’ve just read a book about DID for background reading - so points about DID are particularly salient in my mind now…

A 2x 2 x2 Factorial design with 3 factors and 8 conditions

and that’s the first person today who mentioned it (out of the last 5 tutorials..)

---

Being an obnoxious know-it-all isn’t what I’ll usually want to do…

usually it involves someone catching me and telling me that I’m talking too much and me shutting up.

---

But I don’t really care anymore

At least I’m not useless and stupid and worthless.

I WANT TO STOP the stupid thoughts that keep cropping up..

Study hard indeed… I don’t need to right?…

Screw life and all the disappointments it likes to throw at me..

---

Yet I’m trying to move on and know life is more than this… help…

Starbucks… running around… in the effort to distract myself from everything...

Letting Go

There are different seasons of life to go through.

Every seed must die before it grows

And if you really love, you must be willing to let it hurt you...

...and to let go when the time comes… (:

Enough to let me go - Switchfoot

Oh

I'm a wandering soul

I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone

All I know

I still got mountains to climb

On my own

On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you, my love

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter

Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry

You're so beautiful, tonight

Back from the dead we went through

Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied

You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Breathe it in

And let it go

Every breath you take is not yours to own

It's not yours to hold

Do you love me enough to let me go?

D'you think you can find it?

Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?

Or did you trade it for something

Somewhere better just to have it?

Do you know where your love is?

Do you think that you lost it?

You felt it so strong, but

Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and

Your best look

You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it

Do you know where the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it

Abnormal Psychology

"Love is a form of mental illness not yet recognized in any of the standard diagnostic manuals."

- Stuart Sutherland, Psychologist, 1989

Falling to pieces

-

Sometimes… life just feels like that...

Apathy

Apathy is slowly taking over my whole life, in a bid to contain the emotional struggle within me and prevent it from killing me...

---

and nothing much seems to be helping, drowning myself in JCRC, studying,

and sin creeps in too… and nothing can satisfy… and the guilt kills after that...

---

God, you see my struggle, You see my thoughts, I can’t hide from You…

But help me find a way out of this mess… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore…