it was all fine and dandy. stealing a chair from the reading room, setting up a temporary table, laughing, enjoying being around with you all, being pretty happy and all that
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Then as soon as dinner was over, after you left, suddenly. BAM. I felt really tired and depressed. I dunno why it just hit me.
And I started to feel like really really shitty.
And all the nasty thoughts and everything I’ve been holding back for the past few days came back to haunt me.
Aleem and Vicki saw me in that state - but I just started getting whiny and told them I was tired. And I just fell asleep in my room with them there….
I dunno whats wrong with me. Told myself that I didn’t care about anything anymore, I just wanted to stay happy and not re-visit the horrible month of September where I just had no motivation to do anything at all, not even study or attend lectures. But one cascading thought came after another, each more self-depreciating than the one before. Even sleep didn’t have the usual therapeutic effect it has. Fell asleep shitty, woke up shittier.
I miss having friends like Tim, or even John Tay, Daniel, Ding or Xunliang to talk to in times like this. At least in IB, they were all there to support me and pull me though the times I felt insecure and crappy. But I seemed like I retreated into my own bubble in NTU while they’re studying elsewhere.
I wonder where it goes from now on… fight it, fight it off and be strong…
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