'i'm sure everything will work out fine'

'But the principle of induction is not justifiable. Doesn't mean that what worked out in the past will always work out in the future. '
-
'it's not a principle'

---

I''m worrying about many things, whether I can maintain my grades with difficult math mods this sem,

whether I'll end up messing up and ruining everything...

Of course there are moments of temporary assurances

Yet I'm still worried and wondering

---

I'm thinking would be nice to cover and record this song... it's nice and simple

Sovereignty

With a weak view of God's sovereignty, we crumble easily when difficulties come. We need to remind ourselves that He is sovereign over the passage of history  over the history of nations, and over the history of individual lives. At the same time He is gracious and good, loving His people and offering grace to strengthen us and steel us in times of trouble...

We are called to stand and proclaim the gospel, because it is the great Truth which all the world needs to hear...

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.  Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

(Joshua 1: 7-9)

(Source: Brown L. (2010) Shining like Stars, p56)

---

Despite everything around me...

...I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God (Job 19:25-26)

priorities

Looking back the past few weeks, routine has become a strangely asphyxiating experience.

I told myself, after everything's been said, that I want to keep things chill as it is.

Whether it be because of the long car ride towards Kranji beach, a confrontation at dawn, or just my general resolution and conviction about the matter. 

But yet it's so hard to regulate everything that happens, whether it be from that strange interrogative experience, or just trying to stop myself from doing anything silly. It's as if there's something within me that's trying very hard to repress my own thoughts, emotions and behaviours.

---

Why perhaps? I'm pretty clear I don't want to get involved in this whole game at the moment, as if it could be trivialised as a game, with very real lives involved.

But that doesn't change very much the way I feel, and I don't even know whether it's just wishful thinking, suggestion or otherwise.

Unless God gives me a sure enough 'green light' and signal that's the way to go. And it's not easy to simply claim that one is so sure about God's will and calling after all...

not as simple as leaving sheep's fleece out at night and checking asking God to cover it with dew at any rate... not as simple as asking for open and closed doors...

but I wonder when is the right moment then? I think I need to sort out my priorities at any rate... Since there is a time and season for everything (Ecc 3:1).

with or without you...

and you give yourself away...

Testing the water

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds.And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land,beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them.And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 

 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Matt 14:22-33

---

We wonder what is it like to be able to take that step and leap of faith, to walk upon the uncertain waves and wind in the midst of the storm...

It was after GCF dinner, and the bunch of us who left back to NTU had this long, strange and semi awkward conversation along the entire stretch of Pioneer Road. Somehow everyone like to put out this phrase: "Test the water first."

But in the end what really matters is the faith and trust in God that He'll make things beautiful in the right place and time. So I guess it doesn't matter how difficult and uncertain the road ahead may be, but the important thing, the crux of the matter is to really keep our eyes focused upon Jesus. Look around and one begins to sink.

A few weeks back, we heard what Dr Tan Lai Yong shared during FN. One thing really struck me:
if all our prayer requests seems to revolve around the mundane things around us, have we actually realised how much God's sovereignty and glory transcends all these small things? That the God who feels the birds of the air and clothes the flowers of the field will surely also provide for us who is worth more than the grass which withers and dies?

---

So far everything seems to be working out better than I expected I guess. But there's always this unsubstantiated fear that somehow something is going to go crashing down around me one day again...

Atlas

Heaven we hope is just up the road
Show me the way, Lord because I am about to explode

House Ravens

If we’re not sure whether it’s wrong, isn’t it better to not even try?
-
I said those exact same words. 4 years ago. How time has flown away...
-
One realises that compromise slowly eats away at one’s resolve. Pretty soon, it becomes harder to draw the lines in the blurry mess things are. Where does one define the limit? And how does one differentiate between black, white and grey?

---

I remember recoiling in disgust after realising psychology was going to involve one of my worse IB nightmares ever - math. At least that was how I felt towards the subject after 2 years of suffering with dreadful math portfolios and terrible teachers. But after the first 2 semesters of acing stats, and even suggestions from Daryl that I take a math module as a GERPE, I decided math, at least at uni level, wasn’t that bad.
-
I guess 3 years ago, I would have thought the idea of taking a math core mod to be insane. Funny how things turned out the way they are - seems like I’m actually enjoying myself. Whether this strange gamble I’m taking with my GPA pays off is another matter.

---

Things seem to be the same, yet different. I’m trying to hope and believe that history won’t repeat itself anymore. And that somehow everything works out for the better in the end, in school, ministry, work, and interpersonal relationships.

A pure heart

A pure heart, pure intentions… that’s what I long for…

---

The past slowly fades from existence, as a new school year approaches. The past fears and hurts, which I never want to haunt me again.

-

Somehow thankfully, it’s not exactly the same; and maybe that’s a good thing. Even as we came down to welcome the freshmen, as we hoped to inspire them, as seniors, we look back at the past few years of studying in NTU Psychology. It’s been a strange, bittersweet experience, with moments of euphoria, seasons of despair…

-

I remembered saying naively in year one to my group of close friends on how we could arrange to go for exchange together. I guess that has happened, just without me included. Funny how it all started with myself, linking 2 separate cliques of friends in the same tutorial group together… before somehow I got pushed out eventually…

-

Thankfully I’ve made other close friends along the way, in Hall, in CF… But sometimes I look back on that first year and wonder how everything changed; and we slowly drifted apart… even as I wonder who I would be studying together with this coming year, in which all the people I’m used to working with are gone…

---

REM rebound

3 consecutive nights of lack of sleep, of burning hope, and of persistent self doubt
Is what marks the CFFOC camp this year for me I guess.

---

The sense of what we achieved this camp is very different from what I remembered the last few camps to be. God may be doing something different this year I guess, hopefully this continues to grow and revive our ministry here in NTU.

---

Yet I sometimes wonder and think: What have I got myself into?
-
The burden of responsibility, the fact that very real lives are at stake in this ministry. The fact that although we seem to finally kicked off the ignition to start the community engagement ministry, yet I’m still wondering whether we’re finally moving in the right direction.

---

And the uncanny semblance to some aspects of last year that I remember. I don’t want another thing to bog me down this sem, not when I just starting to come to grips with the past, not when there’s so much expected from me and for me to do.
-
Maybe I think too much, but it’s still scaring me. The weird dreams related to CF and other stuff are starting to creep me out.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Trish mentioned the psych term which describes completely what i went through…
-
putting a label on the problem might make things clearer
-
but perhaps there’s a need to change lenses, to change perspectives…

PFOC

I seem all somber and can’t really laugh somehow...

I haven’t really moved one right? even with that unspoken consensus on where things are right now…

Thankfully I don’t need to say more than I need to.

Tired and hope everything is going to work out fine. I’m having difficulty managing so many different commitments, emotions and thoughts that seem to bombard me ceaselessly. All while trying to maintain a certain image in front of everyone. I somehow end up feeling tired, a bit hurt and a bit melancholic below that surface that everyone sees...

there's only

one thing more scary than running out of energy and being burnt out

-

it’s running around in circles, because you dunno where to go, eventually leading to being burnt out…

-

running out of fuel in the middle of the race

versus having a full tank of energy, but not knowing where to go.

---

I admitted, this state I’m in, is a matter of not wanting to expose myself to be vulnerable again…

An unspoken consensus, with mild stabs of longing and resignation…

The Night Sky

Raffles Place at 9:45pm is a tranquil, peaceful and a refreshing place to be...

You shoot me down

but I wont fall...

The Lines

between sin and morality

between fear and love

between hope and despair

between truth and lies

between aspirations and obligations

between conviction and apathy

between reality and delusion

between friendship and romance…

The lines are blurring and blending and feathering, that our bruised, battered, seared conscience can no longer differentiate between the 2.

---

I did tell you that if you’re not interested in it you could pull out…

But I am… just had so many things on my mind that I pushed this to the far back of my mine…

If you go to grad school…

---

do you know any pretty girls in school?

why would you ask that question???

go get a proper job, stop wasting your time and money

---

This is the correlation, of salvation and love…

Autobiographical memory

I guess part of the reason why I still maintain this blog after so many years(most of my peers stopped blogging a long time ago) is because I want to be able to capture the emotions and re-experience whatever's I've been through in my life. Episodic memory tends to fade off into obscurity leaving only the semantic information behind, an empty shell.

---

Meeting up with the AC BB ppl in NUS last Saturday was a blessing in a sense. For our Bible fellowship, we did the same exercise I made my juniors do during CF FOC last year - share our testimony. Ding’s sharing was really encouraging, and I guess it was great being together with the guys after so long.

---

I headed down to Jurong Point yesterday due to a need to stock up on my groceries as well as a craving for KFC. Along the way it decided to rain cats and dogs, so I decide to head down to Coffee Bean to finish up what was left of my Cognitive Psychology re-revision 2.

Hazelnut Ice blended drink, table with power; Good to go. Then…

---

ความรู้สึกแปลกๆ

I’m tripping on words, you got my head spinning…

… I dunno why I’m letting it affect me so much, I was practically trembling and trying really hard to act normal… Dunno why this kind of situations keep happening to me even when I don’t intentionally go out to look for it.

I keep asking myself why I’m feeling this way when I have absolutely no reason to. Its like I’ve regressed to some secondary sch kid with unstable emotional capacities. Or maybe its a manifestation of neurotic anxiety… I dunno.

Thankfully this time I managed to compose myself; Keep calm and study on… Managed to finish up 2 chapters and at the same time gave help along the way as requested.

I wonder if you can read what I’m trying so hard to repress and hide…

---

Anyway I guess. Have my thai paper in 2 hours, and I dunno what or how to study for it. Going to just go in, whack it and hope I pass.

As long as you are clear about it…

But I’m not, and that’s the problem...

Cognitive Triad

Got myself into a pretty confident start to the day, apparently managing to remember all the concepts i was supposed to know for HP3701, from the progress of relationships to models of positivity. So I decided a change of pre-exam routine was in order - Pitch-stop breakfast(instead of Palette), a quick stop at the bookstore to get supplies, and examination drink at Artease(instead of my usual Starbucks caramel macchiato)

Then somehow something snapped within me and all the positivity was drained out of me. Not to mention the very awkward waving to the Y1s only to have Pony recognize me and wave back(I took a while to register her presence... Opps, looks like all the TAs in NTU remember me very well even after I stop attending their classes.)

I ended up waiting silently for my drink and forcing myself to repress all the negativity. I guess I would have appreciated being able to converse a while and maybe self-disclose about the upcoming exam I had. But somehow it just felt so weirdly awkward and strange. I felt so lousy I didn't know what to say. I collected my drink and left off, contemplating whether to wave goodbye or just go away in some irrational fear that I would get ignored. At least Jolene noticed and waved back. Took the excuse to walk back(very strange behavior come to think of it), blurt out about my exam, and hurried off.

It didn't help that whatever came out for the paper wasn't what I expected, or that I had to do a question purely based on what I studied half a semester ago in Prof Ang's class because I wasn't expecting it to come out(didn't study it at all!), or that the paper was ridiculously hard. It didn't help that I felt so stupid for studying all the stuff that didn't come out. And it didn't help when I later realized I wrote 'Marcia' as 'Mowbrey'. Hopefully I get credit for describing the concept properly...

Thankfully, tea/lunch with CY and some of the graduating seniors after the paper managed to dissipate all the horrible thoughts and feelings I was having after that. Dinner with Aleem and Vicki, and teaching chi-sq to Aleem after that(within 15mins, compared to Prof Ringo's 2 hour lectures that no one understands ) helped to.

I realize this, somehow I'm suffering from chronic loneliness. Even when I'm laughing and surrounded by so many people, I still feel the same haunting feeling of being alone... I miss the closeness of friendships I had while in ACS...

Wait

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD...

(Ps 27:14)

---

The ACS (I) auditorium(old) had a verse stuck to the wall. I remember doing my O levels there, gazing up and looking at it, not knowing where I would be after that...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways acknowledge Him

And He will make your paths straight.

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

---

I'm still wondering where the road goes after everything... I know I shouldn't worry or think too much, but I keep thinking about the same old things. It's like I can't trust God anymore...

God has been faithful to me in so many ways. And there's a lot for me to give thanks for. But somehow the waiting has taken a toll on me.

Jesus, help me to have faith...

Moralistic Anxiety

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

(Romans 7:18-20)

---

Church sometimes makes it feels like we're all perfect and happy, when the truth is, we'll all empty and weak. We think we're better than people out there, but the truth is:

"None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands; no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one."

(Romans 3:11-12)

---

Christianity is not a bed of roses. It's not about the highs, about us being a happy holy huddle, but a struggle, a race towards the destination of faith. Along the way we fall down, we get ensnared by the world, we sin.

Christianity is about real lives, not about a social script where we say holy things to each other, say certain things and learn how to conform to church language. Real life can hurt sometimes, and its a lie that God will only let good things happen to us just because we're Christians.

God has every right to withdraw physical healing from us, or give us suffering and trials that are beyond our understanding. I cringe every time I hear stuff like "Jesus, we know that You will do this, We claim this promise etc...".

What right do we have to demand that God does our bidding? God does not promise a life free of suffering, sickness and pain. God however promises that He'll be with us:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

(Psalms 23:4)

And that is what really matters…

Positive Psychology

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Matthew 6:31-34

---

Hope is something we need to hold on to, to believe in, and to experience.

Reading the chapter on Martin Seligman’s and Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi’s (what a mouthful for a name x_x) ideas behind positive psychology is really interesting. Exploring the ideas behind how to be happy (:

And interestingly today for band practice we discussed the idea of not worrying - Seek God first, and He will provide. So I want to do just that, think less about stuff that bothers me and trust that He will make everything beautiful in His time…

Musings

Studying through a whole load of stuff which I definitely remember covering before… from the Carter McGoldrick Family model and the psychology of intimate relationships.

---

Whenever I come across the chapter on intimate relationships, somehow I find really difficult not for my mind to wander off and start thinking of other things. It’s almost obsessive somehow, and I wonder…

---

The textbook tries its best to break down the complexity of such emotion into such ‘simple’ forms which don’t seem to convey the same depth of emotion as what is usually and really experienced. I remember mentioning about it last year to the CF freshmen after the camp regarding the stuff I studied before. Similarity, proximity, mere exposure… attachment styles and what not. Triangular theory, Rejection sensitivity… More stuff like that… seems like it’s simple and easy.

---

I feel like a retard, but I like to think about possible futures sometimes. Like a lot of what-ifs. And I’m scared of what you would think if you knew how much you mean to me… I’m scared you would be the same as everyone else, shun me and leave me alone after that…

Rejection Sensitivity

The past should never kill the hope which is the future…

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

---

Ate a lunch with Anna today at the Star Vista. Partly because I asked 2 different people out for lunch and got turned down twice (she joked that she was my last choice haha). Tim sum at Caton paradise was a nice way to celebrate the end of the semester(and the end of my year 2 journey in NTU).

Maybe after all thats happened in the past I tend to misconstrue the social construals of the present… I try to hide it and not show it but it still affects me somehow…

Catastrophic thinking…

Depression is dangerous downward spiral…

Negative thoughts, negative misattributions,

Catastrophic thinking…

“you will never be good enough… “

---

Saw this in class…

We will be alright, if we walk in His light

It's been a strange yesterday.

---

Whatever happened during the CF AGM was pretty unexpected and dramatic. Still not very sure what I signed myself up for. And it feels so much like a repeat of last year... Except this time I was dragged in front, had to make a completely impromptu speech, and take a mass volley of difficult questions, before being told that I didn't have to do it... Oh shucks.

I've always taken a interest in the issues facing that particular aspect of campus ministry. So see how it goes.

---

Rewind a bit more. To the meeting I wasn't 'supposed' to have. I know ppl would start the whole nonsense again if they saw. School isn't exactly the most private place to be in. But I found myself in a place where I actually felt happy, not bothering to think so much at that point of time except I was sitting down sharing life with a friend. Of course reality hits once everything is over. Maybe I'm just obsessing over it too much. Maybe...

---

Its love that holds us

We will be alright

It's truth that shows us

If we walk in His light…

A break

I’m not sure why I’m so affected by something like this. I end up smiling like an idiot, a bit tongue-tied. Before I end up ruminating and wondering why I’m feeling like this…

---

I’ve been falling back to the same old problems somehow, there isn’t enough strength to sustain me against the whole influx of work, problems and questions.

People actually might ask me what’s there to worry or think about, because I’m actually doing pretty well academically this semester (all the quizzes and assignments are sitting comfortably on the right side of the curve, save for Thai which I S/U-ed, and Choir which hasn’t really been assessed yet.).

I thank God that somehow I managed to sustain myself through His Grace, and despite a lack of revision and studying everything seems to turn out okay.

-

But there’s always one nagging question and thought with regard to my relationships and the current uneasy status quo I’ve settled myself into. I’m scared breaking out of it is going to cost me a lot more than I bargained for, but staying the way things are going to make me even worse. I can’t bear the thought that voicing out my thoughts may destroy everything we built up, yet not saying anything is going to leave me nowhere either…

-

Daryl used to be amazed by how I apparently never study (at least not while he’s awake). Oh wells. I’ll end up doing the same magic trick again and again…

---

I think I'm moving but I get nowhere...

---

Had a really refreshing talk with CY today.

Maybe people will finally realise I exist…

-

“I mean it’s the thing for the guy to do…”

---

Crazy time trying to teach 15 worship songs + harmony to non-christians. I sometimes wonder if it actually means anything to them. I mean it’s just lyrics and music to be performed, nothing else right? But I don’t know.

-

Like how I won’t put conviction into this phrase

“Just praying to a God I don’t believe in”

when we perform The Script’s ‘Breakeven’…

---

Strange how things can turn out the way they did. Either one way or another…

-

I lost a lot of the conviction I had when we had the whole canvassing fiasco. I wish I could interact with some people more, but I dunno where to draw the line. I also dunno if it’s a good idea to just have catharsis and see what happens, or just stick to status quo. But status quo feels strangely suffocating…

Breathe

Every time this happens I feel as if I can’t breathe or do anything. I don’t think you know how conflicted I feel, how my insides turned to ice, and how I couldn’t shake off this strange queasy feeling even as I left…

I want to move on away from this and feel free again, but there’s a part of me that still wont let go…

---

I dunno how to solve this issue. I bury myself with everything to forget, run away. I try to picture myself in another possible situation, distance myself and see how it goes…

But every time I think I’m ready it turns out… nothing has changed.

Distortions

Reality is crashing to the floor. Everything feels so empty and meaningless again…

---

We shared Christ to a friend today. Strange how God gives these random opportunities…

Conflicted

Truth about it is sometimes the words you say can hurt a lot. And sometimes it’s all just a facade to hide all the sadness and melancholy within.

---

I’m not sure what to think. Sometimes I feel guilty about myself harbouring these thoughts because I know it’s not what it’s supposed to be. But I think perhaps the expectation and former pain of rejection somehow distorted the way I perceive stuff. Enjoying the company of another person does not indicate romantic interest. I need to draw that line...

---

If you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything.

---

‘Criteria’ isn’t the right word to use.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just not think too much about it, say out everything I want to say and move on. Like really move on because I know I’ve met a dead end and it’s not going to change any time. But I know I can’t bring myself to do it until it’s said right in my face. It doesn’t help that I still get reminded of it every time…

---

I’m still not quite sure of where my heart lies…

Left out

Sometimes I wonder where the people I felt were the closest to me in my first sem have gone to… I see pictures, I see them doing their stuff - without me…

---

It sucks. And having experienced it before I know kicking up a fuss won’t make any difference. The only thing I can do is to ignore it and move on… act as if it’s not hurting me or meaning anything to me at all.

---

I keep wondering, all these thoughts in a small confused mind, and question my motives again and again. I kinda know it’s probably impossible, but I just don’t think I could just move on like that. I’m not that kind of person. If it means that much to me, I usually don’t give up that easily either. Yet I’m scared I might just settle for something less than what God intends for me in my insecurity and fear…

---

Maybe redemption has stories to tell

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Where you gonna go?

Salvation is here...

They say time is like a rubber band

you can stretch and try to hold more things together

put too many things and the rubber snaps

---

I hesitate to say what really on my mind…

60 Seconds make a minute

a smile is all I need to make my day…

---

Still really really tired… oh well

Nothing is sound

even if I turn it off and blame myself the outcome feels the same…

---

don’t come and bite me now, I don’t have the time and energy to deal with this matter…

วันวาเลนไทน์

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:7-8

---

Just a thought (: after a long night/ morning with thai language.

-

And in case you’re wondering, the Thai words of the title spell : wan waa len thay - or Valentine's Day. Seems pretty apt to think about what love means on this day right?

---

We love because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19

Obligatory 14th February post

Every breath is a second chance…

Sickness

Was supposed to visit the columbarium in the morning to visit my dad’s niche, but somehow I woke up at 3am, and couldn’t get back to sleep after that. so decided not to go as I really wasn’t feeling well…

Apparently I fell sick (muscle aches all over)… sigh.

Anyway I never liked visiting that place somehow…

---

Anyway as if falling sick during CNY is bad enough, being treated by relatives as if I’m some infectious disease is worse. Thankfully I had a decent excuse to shut myself in the room and avoid socialising - and the usual awkward questions:

“你现在读哪个大学？为什么不读NUS？你现在有女朋友吗？”

---

Sigh, and I was supposed to do up one of my web design jobs by CNY, and plus one Thai Written Assignment homework. :( Dunno how am I going to drag myself to do it this way…

---

And the weird dreams come back over and over again to haunt me…

Insecurity

Wonder why I feel that way…

-

But:

We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

(Hebrews 6:19-20)

Denial

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?

(Luke 9:23-25)

---

Interesting how the same word: Denial, can mean different things in different contexts. We don’t live in denial of the truth and try to deceive ourselves, but we live denying our sinful selves to lead a life following God.

-

But to what extent do we end up losing our identity? Our identity should be built upon Christ, who has give us a unique identity and place as his co-heirs. And theres no point keeping the temporal to lose it, but it means everything to keep the eternal….

Hope is sure

because God has been faithful, and God will continue to be faithful

---

HY9310 - Philosophy of Science: says that statement is not entirely certain due to the ‘problem of induction’.

nevertheless I want to believe, in faith, that this is true (:

Displacement

Hope ignites new beginnings and a new life once again. But yet it also means that we have an increased propensity to be disappointed again when the reality of life fails to meet our expectations.

---

While the experience might have reignited a greater passion for God and to learn to trust Him more, it had a similar effect on an old issue I simply tossed aside to be drowned out by work and everything else.

I want a heart that is right before God, a heart of cheerful obedience towards God, that depends solely on Him to provide grace for me.

But I’m scared I’ll get hurt again by this old issue. I don’t want it to end up dragging me down again, but yet my thoughts keep wandering back to it. And the emotions that went into it became even stronger after weeks of repression and distraction. I thought it would have been easier to just confront it in its earlier stages and move on. But I never had a chance …

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I spoke to Marc about it a few days back about how I felt, along with the other issue. His response was: “just got to see how it goes”. Maybe thats the best advice I can get for now. Strange thing is this has every possibility to go either way. But whatever happens I want an outcome that glorifies God more, and that brings people closer to Christ, and that builds people up to love Him more…

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God, give me wisdom. I guess there’s no straight and easy solution to this one…

Sacred

We had CF the other day, Bible study on Daniel 5. Somehow I disagreed with how they managed to link the passage (a very stretched link) - where we extend our views and treatments of what is sacred to other religions. I disagreed because in doing so, aren’t we saying all religions are equal? I know there are people who push for this agenda, but fundamentally I don’t think Christianity should hold this view.

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Rather we don’t go around desecrating what others hold as sacred to them because we’re not out to incite hate among our neighbours. We know in our hearts what is true, hence we may not accord the same respect and reverence they may have towards their religious objects. However out of respect for them as people, we accord the same love God extends to us…

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Anyway it got me thinking about what modern Christianity defines as sacred. We don’t accord the same respect to our physical bibles the way the Muslims view their Koran. We don’t go around praying to crosses and statues either. In the sense what is sacred is no longer about what is physical, what is spiritually important to us. I broke it down into a few things:

The Word of God, and The Gospel of Christ, which is not found merely in books and paper, but in the hearts of all believers. Far too often we don’t take this seriously enough, where we accept false teachings and distorted views of what Christianity is about.

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Holy Communion, Marriage & Baptism. Most of us have no problem agreeing that baptism and holy communion should be taken seriously. On the other hand, far too often, we don’t pay much attention to how we should marry. Treating marriage as sacred means we have to be very intentional and careful about choosing our partners, because our choices can have an impact on our spiritual lives and our walk as Christians.

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Spiritual Gifts, lest we be like the fool in the parable of the talents, who buried his talents away and was ultimately judged by God

Past, present, & future

As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God,for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,

while they say to me all the day long,

“Where is your God?”

These things I remember, as I pour out my soul:

how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God

with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.

Psalms 42:1-4

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I know I’ve spamming verses here for a couple of days, but it has been different these few days. Somehow each word I read becomes new to me again, and it hasn’t been that way for really long.

I remember I used to do much more in serving, FireAC, Church, BB etc. I stopped for a while, and I kinda realised this, serving in ministry really helps one to stay on closer to God. When you’re out there, dependant on God to work through you, the process changes you somewhat.

But I also know what it is to struggle with sin, and with pride. I know what it is to feel so inadequate and helpless, to feel utterly defeated and tired because it seems as if everyone you know has rejected you and turned against you…

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Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalms 42:5-6a

I’m still asking God the same questions, about what’s to happen in the future to come. I guess there are some things that still really mean a lot to me, but I wonder if I need to give them up to God. But I really don’t want to be naive and think it’s an easy task to discern God’s direction, emotional bias, and rationality. So I guess I’ll leave it as that…

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I guess I should get more sleep too. And I really need to work more on my time management. Doing last minute Thai Language 听写 revision is really not very effective.

Drained like a sink

You have said, “Seek my face.”

My heart says to you,

“Your face, LORD, do I seek.”

(Ps 27:8)

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Not just in the times of trouble.

Not just in the times of peace.

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but at all times, independent of the circumstances around me, independent of the relationships I have with the people around me…

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I guess this bittersweet mix of euphoria and passion has to end somewhere…

but lets keep the flame burning on…

Radiance

The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. (Ps 34: 15)

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. (Ps 34:5)

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It’s only in the time of tribulation and trial that we learn to grow ever closer to God.

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God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all. (1 John 1:5)

Jesus said: “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (John 8:12)

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden (Matt 5:14)

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It’s been a stressful 2 days fighting out everything. It’s was also a strange afternoon of swirling emotional entropy & suppression. I hope my heart is set on the right thing though. And I want to trust that God will bring me through this, and whatever else happens along the way, that His will be done…

All God's Children

Cognitive Dissonance 2

Rewrite everything you know, see and hold dear

and undo, restart once again…

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Sin is insidious, it lurks in a corner

Compromise leads you down a path of almost no return.

because the ends end up justifying the means

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God why do you have to torture me in this way, with so many conflicting thoughts…

It’s bad enough that I have to deal with this while trying not to lower my guard...

Insidious trap

I hope this isn’t going to kill me again…

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I’ve busy to the point I have really no time to reflect, to think or ruminate about the consequences or probable outcome of my actions. On one hand I guess it keeps me in a sane, unemotional, and apathetic state. But I’m still wondering whether I can give so much of myself without ending up disappointed and hurt. It’s like when you’re around people don’t notice you and know how much effort one puts into stuff one does.

I slept at insane hours the past few days. Rushing out URECA, Psych Soc stuff, Hall Stuff, and some of my own personal projects. Not to mention my very poor attempt at keeping up with my notes and readings. I seem to have lost the drive I had in Year 1 in producing high quality notes. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. And sometimes there’s this terrible thought that comes to my head:

“nobody cares about what you do”

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I keep giving excuses, external attributions about people’s behaviour. It's natural that one wants to keep a positive sense of self, that one isn’t at fault, and it’s other people’s fault. But I guess there comes a point that you realise its not a good idea to live in a delusional bubble of lies.

So weird to be surrounded by people all the time, talking, laughing joking, yet feel so alone…

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it’s strange how a few seconds, maybe minutes, can mean so much to one, yet nothing to the other…

Fall for anything

Random conversations in the Hall 3 Cultural Room:

“You know, I can never understand people could change boy/girlfriends like changing clothes.”

“Well maybe to those people they might not understand people like us either, I mean they might be just out there to have fun”

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Some time around the start of last year I felt rather crushed, to the point I decided I felt like doing what every other person I knew seemed to be doing, just get anyone and not care, find a rebound… but I couldn’t, and will never bring myself to doing that. Because a choice like this has the capacity to change lives, to stumble others, or to build each other up. It can tear down a person’s spiritual life, as I seen many a times, or bring a person closer to Him… Guard your heart, because it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4: 23).

Not to mention I got a pretty bad scolding when I told my church ministry leader/mentor about those thoughts. Lol

2013 is a new hope, a new beginning. I want to be the person that God desires me to be, follow after Him wholeheartedly. I feel overwhelmed by a lot of stuff I have to do, but I guess… I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me(Phil 4:13) …

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In other news:

“oh and you know *psych people* in my singing class - I asked them if they knew you, and they said oh, that genius from psych?”

Dunno whether to be flattered or irritated. I’m not that smart -.-. Compared to those jokers from my AC who got above 42 points and above (recently in the news), who are all enjoying themselves in overseas colleges like oxbridge and ivy league universities, or even those on scholarship now in NTU…

Plucking rose petals

Maybe my hunch is wrong. I hope it is anyway.

I have these strange tendencies to overanalyse behaviour, maybe thats why I took psychology. So I should remind myself to correct for bias.

I should also remember to be careful to guard my thoughts and feelings.

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Anyway - the first really successful JB audition for IHCC for a long time (: we practiced hard and thankfully no major mistakes were made.

I wonder what the year ahead spells for me…