I told myself, after everything's been said, that I want to keep things chill as it is.
Whether it be because of the long car ride towards Kranji beach, a confrontation at dawn, or just my general resolution and conviction about the matter.
But yet it's so hard to regulate everything that happens, whether it be from that strange interrogative experience, or just trying to stop myself from doing anything silly. It's as if there's something within me that's trying very hard to repress my own thoughts, emotions and behaviours.
Why perhaps? I'm pretty clear I don't want to get involved in this whole game at the moment, as if it could be trivialised as a game, with very real lives involved.
But that doesn't change very much the way I feel, and I don't even know whether it's just wishful thinking, suggestion or otherwise.
Unless God gives me a sure enough 'green light' and signal that's the way to go. And it's not easy to simply claim that one is so sure about God's will and calling after all...
not as simple as leaving sheep's fleece out at night and checking asking God to cover it with dew at any rate... not as simple as asking for open and closed doors...
But that doesn't change very much the way I feel, and I don't even know whether it's just wishful thinking, suggestion or otherwise.
Unless God gives me a sure enough 'green light' and signal that's the way to go. And it's not easy to simply claim that one is so sure about God's will and calling after all...
not as simple as leaving sheep's fleece out at night and checking asking God to cover it with dew at any rate... not as simple as asking for open and closed doors...
but I wonder when is the right moment then? I think I need to sort out my priorities at any rate... Since there is a time and season for everything (Ecc 3:1).
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