Saturday 30 June 2007

Malthus vs Baserup

Geography
Malthus vs Baserup Pessimist vs optimist
-
while been leaning more to the left... a sad emotional person who doesn't know what to do and what he wants
why am I so afraid, If God is for me , who can be against me?
why do I feel so useless and pathetic ?
-
is being optimistic a "false hope"
hope is the beginnings of disappointment
-
A former optimist i was
till the ravages of life it toss
and shaken the life of mine
all my past failures all in line
-
yet it also is the beginnings of something joyful and new
-
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failure
Fill my life again
-
Lord speak to me, be more real to me, I want hear Your voice, Your clear direction,
"the LORD your God is with you,
He is Mighty to Save"
(Zephaniah 3:17a)"
-
"my god is mighty to save"
-
that was quite a long time ago.... waay baack in Maarch
-
yet... as the long road from B.G. to MG, the road as I visualise an XL and Tim Lim walking down... a long lonely road for them... a crushing pain...
-
while the times when I wonder, was it part of God's plan, how can it be? I dont know
-
while sometimes.... if life really is defined as red,green,gray,black
-
what am I
-
red- Passionate
green- Growth
-
Gray- lukewarm
Black- Darkness
-
or a gray chair painted red?
half of me strongly desires to see God move
yet the other side, the side few people have seen, and emotional side often seen in my posts
trapped in my own emotions
-
the passion was there in January, and dissipated in Feb
yet my struggle then, "worship sessions without a heart"
and relying on my own strength more than God's
-
and Lord did you do that just to force me to realise how weak I am, that I am nothing without You?
-
even as Bs today, Charles Ng quoting a negative example, a friend mentioning how his gf made him draw closer to God, utter rubbish...(the friend, not what Charles said)
-
yet Primer rule 2, → BGRs are bad,
Quote:
... they pull you away from God, they hardly ever work out and you waste the best years of your life which should be spent on drawing closer to God....
-
yet Tim phrased it better, choice of 2 struggles
1. To be or not to be
2. God first or other first(balancing time)
-
I dont know what I want
and I'm too afraid to move.
It's easier to just hear a "No"
then a "Go ahead if you want, I will take care"
is that really Your Voice? Your Will?
-
or is it what i really want that's all,... not what He wants.
yet a reasking yields the same answer.
-
Yet why?
To see someone grow up in Christ(the way I want to see the juniors and both BB And Choir do)
To love and protect from the snares of this world
Not about some instant self-gratification thing? If it is I dont want it, not at all.
-
Its not about me.... yet it also isnt about the other, its all about You Jesus.
-
"Just commit all to God"
yet I wonder whether God gets tired of me nagging.
and I also need to pray for revival , for FireAC, and not keep dwelling on my emotions.
that he has taken care so far... to help me reduce the pain and confusion, and give me moments of joy and times of refreshing.
-
The end of all things is Your Glory, not my happiness though
Glorify You with my life
May the lamb of God receive the reward of His Suffering.

Friday 29 June 2007

Of Mesosomes,Island Creamery,Botanic Gardens,LoveMG

First of All,
Praise the LORD =P, for the only HL subject which I am confident of gething something close to 7 =)
-
Although I didnt have to lose my sanity trying to cram glycolysis ,Krebs cycle, and Calvin cycle before the exam,(and freak Yang jian out at the same time)
-
Before that was playing a Random chord piano improvisation on the SAC piano
And Mdm Ranjee suddenly pops up and calls "Emil"
-
"what song was that"
"Random Chords"
" is that the name of the song?"(lol)
"erm no"
" sounds nice tho, can you compose/play a short piece for FOA during the Guitar/choir transition "
"erm ok"
-
wow, more stress , now I need to compose a piece
ok... .... pls make me emo so I can compose a nice piece lol
-
after that returned to study Bio
-
and... wow, evelyn you had to be nice and mean , and emigrate to the next table the moment I sat down after that and bring Amanda G with you.
"we did a lot more work yesterday when you were'nt around"
-
Wow... I wasn't feeling that good then.... kinda...
and did the cramming.... resulted in a severe lost of sanity.... (and affected Yang Jians as well)
-
yet...
"Emil why do you keep coming over to our table?"(Evelyn)
I wonder why....? using Gareth as an excuse?
-
yet Bio was Easy , really easy
and Tim's revising bio at the next table with the other Amanda Chua and Tessa, pointing to a book's diagram ... "Mesosomes" was the word
-
I didnt study prokaryotes at all
yay write Mesosomes for a structure =) question 1 of paper 2
-
left the exam hall happy =), happier than I ever been for a long time...
-
thank God
-
Lunch at SAC
"Emil you disgusting boy"(Evelyn after I splattered seaweed fragments on the table and commented about indian prata prepared by bare indian hands)
while John Tay was busy devouring prata after prata (4 pratas total)
-
off to Island Creamery for Ice Cream
the ice cream was really good.
Was tempted to buy a banana milkshake ... but $6.50, is way too expensive >.<
-
settled for a Burnt Caramel and Coconut
heavenly
-
Botanic Gardens after that, Evelyn refuses to follow after learning we were intending walk all the way to MGS after that for LoveMG. lol.... left Tim John Daniel chng and me to go Botanic Gardens..... yet by then slowly the europhia from pwning bio paper was going away
-
John Tay chasing Swans Pigeons and ducks lol
-
prayer meeting:
by that time the europhia was gone, back to my emo state...
-
the same feat i did in hike , walking a long distance (BG to MGS) in Converse Sneakers
-
aching feet without blisters(no hike pack at least)
-
and shoby shoby oomph Ba Ba all the way with Tim and John, picked up Tessa and Amanda C on the way
-
And I originally intended to follow them to MG before heading home
but the nice Gray overcast sky told me not to
-
so off for LoveMG...
And God presense was very real there, a really good time of refreshing
made me feel glad again=)
-
yet
Sms from my Mum
"what time you done"
"11?"
"why so Late where are you?"
(really tempted to just say "MGS" to make her smell a rat)
"some worship thingy in MGS"
-
and she later was enquiring who I was with.... Lol///
-
well... thats all
yet a geog left....
and.... well.... the emotions
to let it be ....
-
Thank God for all He's done
Trust him in every thing else
-
All through the storm , Your love is the anchor

Thursday 28 June 2007

Yet...

a slighty more sane person...
bio tmr .... oh well hopefully finally a HL subject paper that isnt screwed up
-
ok... if you want to retain your sanity i suggest you dont read the next post
-
and yay exams are almost over :)
-
wow... looks like I'm really bipolar, no longer so sian .....lol
-
and thanks Tim for being such a help... whether it be the academic or emotional problems
-

Here and Now

A delirious me
Thank math HL paper for that ....

Here And Now
Brenton Brown, Paul Baloche
-
Chorus 1:
Here and now, here in this moment
Here and now I turn to You
All that my searching heart has longed for can be found
'Cause You're in this moment, here and now
-
Verse:
What majesty, what mystery,
the God of all eternity
Stepped into time and gave His life for me
Your hand is seen in galaxies,
yet Your Spirit dwells in me
So vast and yet You're still within our reach
-

Bridge:
There is nowhere You can't be found
Nothing on earth could ever keep Your Presence out
-

Chorus 2:
Here and now, here in this moment
Here and now I turn to You
All that my searching heart has longed for can be found
'Cause You're in this moment, here and now
You're in this moment here and now



-
Why Lord... why?
why so downcast oh my soul? whats with the emotions and everything?
-
yet
All that my searching heart has longed for can be found
'Cause You're in this moment, here and now
-


todays morning devotions was entitled "here and now"
yet the content had nothing to do with the song... other than the shared title,
yet... it reminded me of this song...
-


Math was a total screw up
minus 41 marks
I was grinning like a maniac idiot after the exam.... though inside I was feeling so lousy....
-
.......
while I was feeling so... *weird... studying Bio after the exam with Tim Evelyn and Amanda
while tim was teaching respiration to Amanda And Evelyn
-
Then tim left outside..... while Amanda tries to learn bio from Evelyn
-
*weird
the only other time i remember feeling like that.... somewhere around mid-late march,
when I was feeling very very stressed out over something, popped out of the classroom to try to find a teacher about the something...

"Hi"

-
Then i left to go outside to talk to Tim
And enquired about the torn purple-shirt size from him ....
-
and well.. sighz... ...
and sighz
-
then back to the place to study more Bio, decided to get interested in teaching the bio also and evelyn gets annoyed and 2 of them move over to the next table
left me alone to pretend to study and ..... think




I really dont know what I want
-
somehow i half-wish the shirt didnt tear.... and I could just move on... depressed for a while maybe, but still a resolution, never the less and I could just make myself happy that at least a "happily ever after" and ... in good hands, and move on.
-
somehow I again half wish the answer from God was just a simple plain "no", that I could know at least that I am really hearing from God ("denying self is easier" as tim says).
-
somehow I again half wish I didnt choose Bio over Physics, then things would probally be different.
-
yet the other half still wishes that the stuff in my "nice" dreams were reality
-
-
a confused , emotional me
-
as for my mum and sis , please don't ever mention the word g.f. to me for now....
-
-
well...
"after Ldc things will be different"
true... it cleared up a lot of things, and removed some of my confusion
-
"after exams things will be different"
right.... kid myself... or true....? only time will tell
-
yet whats with the swanning and the friendliness and the swanning again?
I dont see you swanning other ppl...

or maybe i'm just thinking too much
Do you know? And if you know do you care?
-
Seriously Emil , Go and get a life.... you are just worthless
Shut up Satan
-
Argh.....
yet
-
All that my searching heart has longed for can be found
'Cause You're in this moment, here and now
-
You will always be faithful....
"Trust Me , I will take care, I will be with you"
-


in the meanwhile a delirious me prods the publish button after doing a slight moderation with th little sanity i left after HL Math

Wednesday 27 June 2007

Complex numbness

Going to school today, even though no exam.
-
The 3 fold purpose stated in the previous post fulfilled.
1) went to FireAC
2)Studied/mugged/practiced Math with Tim Evelyn and Amanda after their Econs Exam
=)
-
and mathematical fatigue after doing math from 1000-1540 (stopping only for lunch at 1400)
and poor Tim gets bombarded with questions, first from Evelyn , then Amanda then Me.
and lol he takes a nice long time to do some of them too... questions courtesy of Tessa
lol






Random dumb stuff
-
Quote(XL's msn nick)
"Mr and Mrs Maths" says Evelyn T. "AHHHHH!!!" says Xunliang
-






yet
while I was chatting animatedly with Derrick about Music theory exams around 1010
"Emil do your math"
-
Ouch... nice swan...
-
-----------
-
"I shall go tickle my brain with SL math"(Derrick)
"While we carve our brains with a knife with HL math"(Tim)
(paraphrased, cant remember the exact wording)
-
-----------
-
Evelyn suddenly starts singing "More then words" and Tim joins in
-
while me feels awkward for some strange reason and peers down not daring to look across the table..."
"Tim please don't sing this song"(under my breath)
-
-----------
-
Tim whining because he couldn't solve a math question(lol) and making funny noises
-
-----------
-
Song yeong suddenly pops by and hands Evelyn tickets, and she trys to sells hers while i hastily grab mine(which i got yesterday) and follow suit.
-
-----------
-
Fab suddenly pops up and pokes Amanda from behind and she gives a loud squeal.
-
------------
-
eating... Tim and Evelyn insisted on continuing doing math .... while Amanda first wants to eat.... (around 1230+)then I want to eat(1245+)..... then..... Evelyn gets hungry and wants to eat(1300?) yet Tim still wants to do math (irritated at an elusive math question that refused to be solved (MI))
ended up eating quite late (1330)
-
-----------
-
then Evelyn leaves around 245 after lunch, leaving me and Amanda at the table while Tim was busy at Tessa's table teaching (yet) another person how to do math.
Felt really awkward again... whats wrong with me...
"Tim pls come back"(thinking)
-
luckily Tim came back after 1 minute or so....
-
-----------
-
and I left the table at 340 or so after Mum comes from fetching my second sis from the airport
-
Tim: "wah its 340 already? So fast"
-
...Right too engrossed in math lol.... I had a numb head by then ,the result a combination of mathematical fatigue, lack of sleep and ....
"cya"
"bye bye"
No response from Tim(back doing his math lol)
-
-----------
-
lol.... finally a post with "random dumb stuff" and no "emo" tag =)

Tuesday 26 June 2007

The Stillness, Quiet Joy and Sadness

(second post today)

while a break of exams for 1 day, yet, still going to school tmr...
and going super early at that, with a certain morning shift of my mum...
-
For what purpose?
-
to study, FireAC? or to be with friends, in particular a few like Tim XL and ...?
-
I would daresay mostly the latter, with being so lonely during the holidays, for a first time,
-
DotA, a predominant occupation of the past few holidays, has lost its meaning? What the point of controlling 1 charector with a mouse and clicking wildly, and exchanging swearwords with strangers? Trying to get a " Beyond Godlike Holy shit streak" ?
-
And the consistent starring at the msn contact list, wishing that certain people would either remove the stop signs from their statuses(Busy) , or initiate a convo... ... other than a short conversation on the sunday evening before the exams, I've never messaged anyone with busy status, knowing well behind the red and white tape, there is a person probably (Busy) studying for exams of all sorts
-
an attempting to do some studying myself, yet, the emotions and feelings keep calling out for my attention.
and the brutal shoving of them to the back of my mind yielded a strikeback later in my sleep...
-
while seeing most if not all of the FireAC leaders Fired-up and ready for action...thanks to Kenneth's encouragement... Fab and others, all ready to see and let God move.
-
while for me, a 2 sided facade, the crazy me who starts shrieking and shouting after the end of a chem exam to the quizzed look of JC and Cielo, the crazy me who giggles after the end of a Chinese B paper, and yes, the crazy me with a passion to see God move
-
and the other side, the side so weak and emotional and so... utterly lost and confused... and lonely,
A side I experienced today early in the morning, and seeing the old jealousy come back, scolding myself for it, and leaning against my guitar against the wall and feeling miserable about it.
-
Am I relying too much on my own strength? To put up this apparent show of passionate zeal?
-
yet it is God's strength only that sees me through the other side, an utter dependence on God to see me through the times when I feel so inadequate
-
and it is His Grace that has seem me through 3 papers, halfway through to the end.
-
Remembering in Koinonia ,from that very boarding sch hall where I sat doing my papers
Your Grace is Enough...


Is it wrong to be jealous and hate?
Yes you know its wrong,
You remembered, "Love your neighbor" earlier when XL...
But you can also remember what Jesus taught "Love your enemy"
Can you show love to those I love, even though he does not acknowledge Me?
Lord it's so hard....

My Grace is Sufficient for you .

Gray skys,but a ray of Sunshine

Exams....
haha
thank God for
1)Eng A1 paper SL(easier than I expected)
2)Chinese B paper SL(小白 小黑 小黄 汪汪 狗Talk about super easy)
3)Chem paper HL (argh that was hard , but at least it wasnt too bad)
4)Being so faithful
-
Trust God for
1)Math paper HL
2)Biology paper HL
3)Geog paper SL
4)...


and .... remembering a sky on Monday, half grayish, half sunny and it rained....
-
and .... remembering the smiles and the gladness it brings...
and .... remembering the fears and anxieties and emotions and the grayness it brings...



and .... remembering Koinonia and the wonderful fellowship we had
-
and .... remembering a certain Mr. Keith Tan in Sec 1 orientation... yelling at us
-
and .... remembering each exam in this very hall...
--
... the sec2 end-year math exam in which I left crying... for a paper which would decide whether I could enter the IP programme...
- -
... the sec 3 exams, the sec 4 mid-years, and.... now... year 5 mid-years ...

and .... always .... remembering God , for being so faithful to the end...

Sunday 24 June 2007

The half Year

As the year reaches a half way mark
On to the second semester.
.
.
.
Dear Lord,
Your Will be Done
Move in our lives.... raise up a generation that truly seeks Your Face
And lead me on and draw me closer to You, always.
For the half year that is past,
The joy and the pain,
The blessings and the storms,
Thank you Lord
I commit the rest of the year into Your hands
Trusting in the promise that You truly will watch over my life
and You will take care
Amen





-
Because its all about You Jesus
not about me, nor about anything or anyone else
-





-
Reflecting on a promise I gave to God
I will serve You in the ministry of this school and touch lives, as I believe you have a Purpose for placing me in this school another 2 more years
-
while in Janurary the Fire and Passion was still there,
the strong desire to truly see You move so powerfully in the school
-
yet ..... at that fateful week in feburary, when everything seemed to go so wrong
-
emotions and feelings... but... ...
-
You still could use me , broken as I am....
-
and You have constantly reminded me... "I am with You"
-
To draw closer to You... ...
-


-
Because its all about You Jesus
not about me, nor about anything or anyone else
-
Lord use me, broken as I am
For while I am nothing
You , Lord, Are Everything

Saturday 23 June 2007

End of the Holidays

As the exams draw near... ... more of a mental preparation phase now rather than physical studying .
-
As the long draggy holidays draw to a close....
-
throughout the month
As the mental image of someone pops up, I push it away to the back of my mind, determined to swallow all the  (g)Reece(cy) Campbell Bio (soup), and Stupid Painful Depressing Freaky(s.p.d.f)  Chem, and populate my mind with (Geog)  facts.(sorry for the bad puns)
-
however while this tactic may work, alone with telling myself that God will take care
Apparently the back of my mind likes to get pushed out in my sleep.
Either in the form of a nightmare in which I wake up thankful that it was only a dream...
or a dream in which seems so real... ... so wonderful ... ... than I wake up ... ... depressed.
-
On the bright side I haven't got exam nightmares yet, like before Os and Prelims last year. I suppose thats due to the fact that its not yet a MAJOR exam as of yet
-
maybe thats why i'm so tired... as my mind trys to take a rest from studying I get plagued with other thoughts.
-
While sometimes I wish i could just limit my blog to my close friends, what with random strangers like that "thai" guy. And I wonder what the ppl that dont like me would say... and everything ... why is the world so spiteful sometimes , with backstabbing... and other stuff
yet I need to write out my feelings and emotions..... besides the fact that my blog is also my spiritual diary in a sense
-
while XL is right... people do read my blog... a blog is meant to be read... ...
the stuff below are quite personal... ...
-

Thinking back
-
Jan (W3?)- Bio class, remember little things like, one time the classroom was locked and Ruma was late , when somehow the topic outside the classroom got shifted to some warped conversation on 69... and Cielo was getting over excited about it...
Someone innocently asks(directed to tim if i'm not wrong but my memory is a little vague):
"What is 69?" 
"You dont want to know..... nmind its 70 minus 1"(me)
"thats a nice way to put it *chuckles*" (Cielo)
Tim was half amused, I was too... wishing I could be as innocent as that too (ignorance is bliss in such matters)
-
Jan (W4) remember a hi, and I daoed.... didnt really know her very well yet, yah I dao ppl I like, or rather I used to do that, until i know the person better.
-
3rd Feb she pops by/joins BB, after lunch we were having a prayer meeting reguarding Primers vision.
-
10 Feb  I was away from BB in choir camp... Heard that the primers couldnt conduct a prayer meeting properly, spiritual attack of some sort
-

12-16 Feb Right, whats with coming so early, even earlier than me , telling me that you come to do QT, and than when XL comes, ok... ... right...(jealousy starts coming in)
And following him even after school?
-
Yet even as I tried to quel the emotions... ... I noticed XL, and he was... confused... ... I finally managed to chain down my emotions....
-
13 or 15 Feb? Sec4 Indian guy... comes in also... and talks to you even though you dont know him?
-
(sian sian sian this part really sucks)
-
15 Feb what with Sam Yong noticing them also, and mentioning primer rule 2.....
-
(right this must be the worst week of my life)
-
16 Feb Prayer meeting with Wesley, Tim Lim, Kenneth, Alex lua , XL & her. Before that I was talking to Tim about how I felt. Penned down Come and Heal our land with him before that, while Kennth and Wesley where talking to XL and her. During the prayer meeting... somehow .... she was touched by God and crying. Went out to eat at dover after that. when tim or somebody else was asking what God touched her about... she mentioned her father passing away last year of cancer.
-
As I realised... wasnt that almost similar to me? my father was down with Cancer during my PSLE , and passed away in sec 1 in Feburary, almost exactly 4 years ago at that time
-
at around 10 pm at that day I wrote the post entitled "Joy... Personal" the start of the posts that did not contain the tag "Random Dumb Stuff"... ... reliving it is painful.
-
17 Feb Kenneth reads that post
-
18-19 Feb? XL finds out also
-
21 Feb Wesley finds out
-
A painful memory... ... and something that really dragged me down a lot.... why? why?

March-April-May
Nothing much happened, except after sometime(around early april) XL stopped talking to her and vice versa ... I suspected something but I dared not to believe. XL now in my Geog and EL A1 classes.
And she suddenly becomes ridicculusly friendly to me?... 
-
dispite what Wesley says "sorry to spoil your fun but shes is very friendly"
-
Right...
-
offering to lend me her bbpolo T shirt when my shirt got wet during the dry run of enrollment serive games
-
Saying "hello Emil" while falling in before Primer Rod Parade next to me? Dari ke naan Bedua Pi Lang dressing according to height.. short ppl in the middle ... ... resulted in that. 
-
A smile and an enthusiatic wave... 
-
And other "hi emil" incidents upon eye contact. And I turned off my firewall... no more daoing, following what tim suggested on  the 16 feb friday ... ... yet dont really know what to say
-
Koinonia
Swinging around madly after the whole thing lol... that was a nice memory
but using handphone in the middle of a prayer meeting in the classroom isnt exactly right... 
-
And yet there are incidents of swanning and daoing... in which i get "inspiration" for my nightmares.
-
which lead to ... confusion.... a lot of it.
-
and she continues to come early for FireAC, the Indian sec 4 being way too friendly for my liking... ... even to the extent of walking over to her after assembly... ... ok... 
than there was a period she didnt come... and I couldnt come because of choir... lol...
-
at the airport at WoW , while I was going back with my mum after the trip... and I saw her.. and she saw me , gave a wave and smile again. I hesisitated before returning it... and my mum asked "why so shy?"
-

Late May/June
-
LDC Adv party
Charles Ng told us to clear up stuff among one another
XL clears up stuff, & comfirms that suspicion... ... I didnt bother to probe about it... as I was scared , digging up details about it probally is painful for him eitherway...
walking down the sec 1 level... towards the admin room... and I notice her and XL talking probally clearing up stuff too
-
LDC/Hike
dunno who did the groupings... but I had to end up in the same group...
some incidents of daoing and swanning... and coupled with other things. Sacrificing a milo peng ... prayer room... ...

nothing much else
As the exams loom closer
I dunno, looking forward to the end of the longest most "sian" holidays I ever had
-
 While for FireAC
Looks like its time we started to get fired up again... let Him take care of the exams and the other stuff.
"I will take care"
And Fab is back =)
RARRR 
FLAME ON FOR CHRIST

Saturday 16 June 2007

Hope in Prayer

As I went to BB for BS cum Mugging today.
not too many people turned up... ... ... ..., I daresay most wanted to stay at home and Mug more...
so much for Exams
so sian.... I realised that besides being behind Mugging for Mid-Years
I'm behind in my EL IOP prep
I'm behind in my Grp 4 project
I'm behind in my Chem IA DC/MS parts
-
So much for gething into depression swings the last few weeks or so.
-
but even with that there is still the promise of Psalm 121:7, permanantly stuck to the back of my MSN PSM.
-
Psalm 121:7
The LORD will keep you from all harmhe will watch over your life;


oh well,
so much for everyone I know who knows my problems saying that "this is just a phase in life , everyone goes through it some way or another" (Quote Wesley/Matthew/Glynn/...... in different phrasings)
Thanks Tim for not telling me that lol..... I'm gething quite sick of hearing it
-
but Lord... You have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.

(Psalm 139:1-3)

-
and if Your answer is :"I will take care"
"So the answer isnt 'No'...? Lord I'm so confused. "
"Do you trust Me?"
... ...


The BS today talked about Hope in Prayer
-
Summary:
1) There is Hope in prayer
2) Pray with Persistance and Knowing that He is a Loving Generous Father (Luke 11)
3) The end of all things is the glory of God , not man's happiness
-
Lord show me Your righteous Path
Lead me in the way everlasting.(Ps 131:24b)
-

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.



Proverbs 3:5-6
as seen in the old Auditorium

FireAC Term 3 Directive meeting after that.
-
and after that a time of eating at Holland V before proceeding to starbucks
for a time of drinking Chai Tea Frappecino and mugging and talking cock about guitars,and Wesley peering all over my blog.
-
after which a time of haircutting(long overdue), eating dinner with my mum and elder sister , drinking ya kun coffee with my cousin, cousin's son ,aunt and mum/sister
-
After which shopping with them , the kind which i hate the most, shopping for ladies pants, bras and other ......urgh(being the only guy in the group sucks, Ezra the toddler doesnt count)
-
and after that settling down typing this blog entry, as I prepare for my 5th fathers day tommorrow with no father... ...


As I remember the days of printing greeting cards on the computer every year, 2 for my mum on her bday and Mothers day, 2 for my dad on his birthday and Fathers day. A practice that was discontinued since primary 5.
-
I suppose as you grow older, things change a lot, you start becoming more rebellious as you enter sec school.
the F-word no longer becomes a taboo among other things.
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And I realised, had I been pri 6 , there wouldnt be violent objections to school socks among other worthless things,
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as for many guys who start having sexual fantasies and stuff, of porn, masturbation,and lust, that become a satanic stronghold for many guys.
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fortunately I didnt get affected much by that... ... still remember a time in sec 2 when one of my Primary 6 classmates called me and asked if i watched porn, on my reply of "no" he called me gay
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why has this world become so perverted? Is "going with the flow" so important , one has to forsake his moral values and God's standard?
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and as you grow out of this stage, of rebellion, of which some never grow out off unfortunately
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more trouble comes in... ... the workload increases and you continue to lose sight of what is worth holding on to... ... your morals values.... God and many more things
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Casting crowns "American dream"


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Lord Restore this dying Land
Have mercy and forgive us all for our sins

Bring Your revival once again
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Let this be our persistant prayer always
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2 Chronicles 7:14
If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Wednesday 13 June 2007

Another Song

(Second post today)

All honor and All glory
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Verse 1:
Come and lift up your Praise oh you people of God
Come and see what He has done for us
For He is worthy of glory and worthy of honor
and worthy to be Praised
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Verse 2
Draw near to the Lord oh you children of God
Come to Him who brings us Life
Taste and see that He's good, and he will see you through
all the storms that you may face.
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Chorus:
All honor and All glory
All power and all praise
All wisdom and all worship
Belong to our God belong to Our God
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All creation bows before You
All tongues will confess
that Jesus Christ who paid the price
Is the worthy lamb who was slain
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Verse 3:
Purify our hearts , we who sin against God
Let's be humble before Him
And He will cleanse us all and He will lift us up
By His grace we' ll carry on
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Bridge:
For You have died for us
while we did not know we were lost
Hallelujah hallelujah
to the worthy Lamb of God
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Copyright 2007 Emil Ng


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another song I penned down today,inspiration from Revealations 5:12 , as well a James 4:8-10 from my QT,as well as Psalm 34:8 and a few other parts of the bible
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A Fast praise song, with a slow bridge. I'll probally do a recording another time.
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and I really start on some serious mugging... unless i intend to fail my mid years =(

And I Wonder... Yet again...

A picture of a sunset from Genting Highlands... during the choir competion over there last week , one of the many displays of beauty in God's creation... As morning dawns and evening fades..... You inspire songs of praise.
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and Lord I wonder, if the answer to my question isnt a firm no ,then???
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with P.R 2 being an ineffective barrier, and other Obligations to FireAC and BB and other things
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To be or not to Be? the stupid song in Haven the musical last year comes to mind... ...
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And the fear of rejection , the fear of breaking up, and the fear of many other things, and the fear that I'm being lead astray by a voice that isnt from God.
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there is still pain as I think of Feburary when the trouble started and the emotions got stretched to the limit... ... when jealousy fought against friendship and Christian Unity, and Brotherly love forged over the last 2 years in BB.
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And Lord did You let that happen to strenghten my faith, to depend on You to provide?
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that the fact I took Bio over Physics and took Geog to land me up in that non-intact class... ... that probaly wasnt chance.But at the same time, I guess its good to have Tim around to encourage me as well... ... maybe thats why instead... and again I dont know ...
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Yes You have been faithful... and seen me through... I remember a Charles Ng told us to write "a letter to yourself" around late March to be opened after LDC, and yes things seem different after LDC... after that night on that friday...
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or maybe I dunno what I'm doing or thinking at all... I guess I should be mugging for the midyears like everybody else rather than thinking of her and other things
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And on a another note...
-=You Are a God Who Saves=-
(The recording, mind the bad singing and bad guitar playing,)
(and I not as good as Tim in harmonising so I havnt tried yet)
(and i modified the chorus as the original didnt sound nice)
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Chorus:
My soul will find rest in You
You alone are my rock and my salvation

You're the God who saves us all
O holy Lord of all

I'll trust in You

Verse1:
You alone are my Lord and King
And yes I know that there is nothing
That brings such joy that only You can bring
Your love that covers everything
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Verse2
And You my God have paid the price
Dying on that cross to save my life
Lord who am I that You my Christ
Would love a sinner such as I
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Bridge1:
Holy, holy, Holy God
Faithful, Lovely, Worthy Lord(repeat)
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Bridge2:
You are a God who saves
Yes You a are God who saves
You are a God who saves
Yes You are a God who saves(Repeat)

Friday 8 June 2007

Milo peng & Grade B Gold

Pre-Genting (Written on Sunday)
Mostly about LDC , while most of the LDC ppl are busy running around CCK cemetery now or perhaps pitching tents beside the fish farm. Oh well going Genting tmr...
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Somethings probably wrong with me If I start wishing I could stay with the LDC camp instead of Genting.... after all overseas Choir trips have brought many fond memories, living in comfort rather than facing the cold showers, the fatiguing hike and lack of sleep , L T/D C isnt nicknamed Leadership Torture/Death camp without reason ...
maybe .... because of ... you..... I wanted to stay. .
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a Futher frustration.... Mdm Ranjee explicitly banned me from bring my guitar during the trip...
sian, I dont want to part with my guitar for 5 days =(
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Post genting post
Eitherway




Friday : After choir at 1:30P.M , made my way to Vivo City to watch a movie/ shop for hike stuff with Kenneth... no expectations on who was turning up.
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other Ppl around: Jack, Jerome, Kenneth,Yang Jian, Christine, Amanda
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Makan at Burger King... ok , watched Shrek 3 and then guided them to Giant to do Hike groceries shopping... lol am I the only on among the group who knows my way around Vivo?
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after that... made the way back to school via 166 for advance party (aka Hike and spiritual Blueprint briefing)
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Hike briefing was quite uneventful although it sort of made me half glad I wasnt staying over, what with saying that the sleeping point may be flooded etc
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Spritual Blueprint
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Okay... Charles Ng was quite... serious about this.... told us to settle any problems among ourselves before the camp, unconfessed sins, grudges, bitterness... and pray for Wing Hing.
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After which I decided to stay over that night ; I originally had wanted to go home and rest before the camp. In the end I called my sis and told her to bring the camp stuff over.
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and after that 2 people spoke to me , Kenneth sort of apologised for his bluntness at times...
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and Xunliang sort of talked to me and a lot of things suddenly made sense. Yet it also made me more confused... ...
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Confirmed a suspicion I had been having for a long time but dare not to believe... ok i dunno whether I should be happy or sad about that. although it made me glad in a sense but it also made me feel rather... confused and uncertain.
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sat under the moon light at the sec 1 corridor at the centre gazing at the moon and wondering...
---------
Later on Oliver Loke asked for orders or McDonalds breakfast the next morning.
I ordered a Big breakfast and specifically requested for Milo Peng, since i normally dont like hot drinks.
a Number of us also took orders ...
went to sleep in the blue level classroom after that at around 230 am
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Saturday :woke up at around 630 am and went for the day briefing. After which I proceeded to the SAC to eat my McDonalds breakfast.
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and Amanda pops by also to collect her breakfast but she has to pray at that slot XL designated in the prayer room... so she bins the breakfast up with her
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ok and i gave my Milo peng away... to her when she wanted it... out of my own free will... and settled for tea instead... ...
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went up to the prayer room after that... prayed along with Tim and Kenneth for the Camp as well as prepared the room a bit
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joined the sec 2s for check in time and watched as they rushed to prepare their uniform room
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After that the sec 2s went for drill while the primers either followed them or followed Xunliang to polish up their drill. Followed XL and watched the Girl primers learning how to salute properly for about 10 minutes
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went over to the prayer room after that for my prayer slot.... Gods presence was quite comforting in the room... felt quite peaceful as I prayed for the camp
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after that... group time and makan time... spent some time talking with Shane Russell and Ben Liau... and Ben Liau as usual was quite quiet... and seemed paler than usual... I was suspecting he wasnt feeling well.
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after which the sec2s went for a leadership talk with Oliver Loke while the primers either spent some QT with God or joined them... I decided to go back to the Prayer room.... and did a bit of QT
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after that hour , Mr Ng suddenly forces us to come down to admin room and imposes a forced Siesta on a number of us, most of us were still over tired after WoW . anyway I joined their rest as I was sort of feeling rather tired
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After the rest, Worship prac with Christine, Tessa and Tim.
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Worship after that, and didn't have time for dinner.
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He has made me glad, And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strenght,
My portion, deliverer, my shelter ,
Strong tower , My very present help in time of need
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Ate my dinner during the supper time after that...
And found out that Ben Liau was sick... ok... oh well
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after that a not very brief, debrief ended around 1
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Wash up etc ... was about 130 after that...
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went wandering around... and saw Charles Ng and Wesley in the Sec 2 uniform room , chatting about... Charles Ng's former BGR problem... ok... joined them until about 235
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popped by the prayer room again and saw Amanda there doing her prayer slot...
Went in and read a passage in my bible.
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At around 245 she gets up to leave the room. I looked up a while and saw her exit the room.
she turns back and ... I dunno either way I could have sworn I saw her smiling a bit briefly before she left the room... or maybe my overtired eyes was playing tricks with me
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I stayed in the room until about 315...
then i decided to go back to sleep ... super tired.
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Sunday: woke up at 7 am. spent time with the sec2s for Group QT along with Kenneth, Noah and Amanda who were in the same LDC Group as I was in. Kenneth did most of the talking... it was about lust and sexual sins
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I guessed it was kinda inappropriate to talk about such sensitive issues in front of a girl, probably that as why there wasnt much sharing.
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closed with worship in which I played the guitar... You are my strenght when I am weak.
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after that....
went wandering around a bit before retuning to the Prayer room and found Tim, John and a few others there. Tim was playing the guitar and were having a short time of worship and prayer.
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Breakfast and Church
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Found out that one of the sec3 hike groups dissolved... and Tim thought it was ours... I half wanted to join the sec2s especially Kenneth's/Shane's/Russell' s/Amanda's group
and yet was feeling uncomfortable about that
In the end the group wasnt dissolved... so i didnt have the option... thank God eitherway
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Hiking in Converse sneakers, the most blistering painful experience ever. By the time we reached dinner point I could barely walk. Kept running into Christine's and Mr Sim's Group along the way. but didnt meet Kenneth's group at all. Luckily I didnt have to continue on night hike... so i went home and rested and got ready for Genting.





Genting was Boring and sian for the most part, the "City of Entertainment" entertainment was either restricted(casino and outdoor theme park), Expensive (LAN at 15 RM, Arcade, Pool) or plain boring(indoor theme park).
only form of entertainment I had was excessive playing of bridge , hearts and Ti Tee, as well as window shopping(the stuff are way too expensive to purchase esp since I only had 50 RM left after day 1 due to the spending of close to 100 RM in food and arcade urcahses during free and easy at the first day) , in which my shopping mates (other choir guys) are excessively bad at. Apparently I'm one of the only few guys that actually enjoy shopping.... lol.
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the fun part was probably the performances we gave , ended up performing 2 times more than we expected, performing for friendship concert and closing ceremony, even performing Janger ... zzz singing alto again after 6 months of singing tenor isnt much fun.
the camera... sweeping across the face of the choir, revealing people expressing themselves in songs some in a comical manner that lead to a lot of laughter. and the stunned expressions after our loud stamps for choreography as well the stunned looked even at the start while walking in, we were easily double the size of the other choirs (haha in contrast with SYF where we were the smallest JC choir).
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But annoyingly , a certain Nan Chiao High School had to beat us in the competition by 1 point grrr... so much for playing cheat with the piano that would result in better intonation(for music dinosaurs, that means your note pitch) ... we were the only choir singing A Capella(again for the music dinosaurs, that means singing without accompaniment) .
we got 84.5 points(Gold B) they had 85.5(Gold B)
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And bouts of sianness , thinking of the LDC camp in progress as well as thinking of..... while drinking a banana milkshake coffee from Starbucks, and while simply standing by the lift lobby gazing at the Genting mountain scenery outside,and even while warming up just before the competition....
zzzz now isnt the correct time.... get into the mindframe of performance, not a time to let your feelings drag you away.....
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oh well.... back now... so I need to chong chem pracs by 11 june ... before I go for a cruise.

Sunday 3 June 2007

*Sin and Idolatry

In response to the tag on my tagboard in which a stranger called me a 'horrible boy' for saying that Thailand is a land of Sin and Idolatry. I will now reinstate my position properly, for the Non-Christians who read my Blog
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As it is my blog is primarily addresssed to my close friends who are all christians
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Sin And Idolatry
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To say that a country or land is full of that , I am NOT saying that to put down a country or nation. as is is stated in
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Romans 3
10 as it is written:
"There is no one righteous, not even one;
11there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.
12All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one."
13"Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit." "The poison of vipers is on their lips."
14"Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness."
15 "Their feet are swift to shed blood;
16ruin and misery mark their ways,
17and the way of peace they do not know."
18"There is no fear of God before their eye
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All have turned away and sinned,
all of us who belong to the human race.
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even Christians, even Buddha, even prophet Muhammad, even every single great religious leader or king or ruler, every man great or small, no exception, all have sinned
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... the Wages of sin is Death ...(Romans 6:23)
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All except Jesus who Died to pay the price of sin, Death
He was the only perfect sacrifice that could pay the price as He was without sin, as as such did not have to pay the price for Himself
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And God raised Him from the dead after 3 days
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Christians are sinners saved by grace, The Grace of the Lord Jesus Christ
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and now I shall add a disclaimer to my blog when i have time... I have to rush chem pracs now .....grrrr
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*(Actual time of posting is 09/06)