bitter, sweet, sorrow, joy

we see that ever so evident in the Christian walk
-
Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
(2 Cor 5:1-5)
-

---

we have hope and rejoice because of what He has done for us, and we know we have hope for eternity, a heavenly dwelling which cannot be destroyed
-
but we suffer while down here on earth, we do not know what tomorrow brings, be it poverty, loneliness, burdens, separations
-

---

somehow this song - even while sung in mandarin today at Marc’s grandfather’s wake
-
nearly brought tears to me
-
I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.
-

---

we look to eternity, the tomorrow we cannot see
-
but we know our lives are held in His hand, His plans
-

---

so with regard to everything
be in university studies (NO CHARLES, I AM SO NOT DOING ACCOUNTANCY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ACCOUNTANCY IS NOT COOL)
or in relationships
in anything else in the future, career, God’s calling
-
I know He knows best
-
I guess thats all I need to know
even as I know God has called me to impact the world I live in
-
even as it begins small, with me..

ATT C

taking this for the very first time since I enlisted
-
excessive tiredness =/

---

either way after being busy non-stop over the last few weeks, I guess its a good sabbatical
-
being able to rest at home and enjoy the comfort of my bed and sleeping in....
-
prob wont ever be doing this again anyway... unless I fall really sick...
-
since the last few times I was sick I still went to camp either way...
due to having to do stuff under my job scope...
-

---

well I guess I finally can get to do stuff I couldn’t find time to do for a long time
-
1. write a letter and visit the post office(near my house) to post a letter overseas
2. Practice on my piano a bit
3. Pray and meditate a bit
4. REST at home
-
Army stuff:
1. burn 2Lt Jhon’s REACH dvds
2. Do up the ducktours presentation ( canceled)
-

---

either way yeah
-
recently there’s been so much to post on this blog
but not enough time to reflect upon the things to be said
-
the struggles of sin and temptation
-
the outing on sat which left me very drained and struggling to fight something within me
-
but I guess I’ll think about it...
-
sigh =/

'emil lenses'

do I look through things in a limited perspective
-
through my ‘emil lenses’ so to speak
-
not the bigger picture
-

---

-------------------
but in the end
aren’t we supposed to live our lives in the light of God
-
see things in the way God sees them
open our eyes to see what God wants for us
-
live a life grounded by faith in the Word of God
and live out a life which shows that
-

---

-------------------
people say they tell me these things
-
for my own good
for the good of the people under my sphere of influence
-
and they’re perfect in every way, more worthy of being part of their ministries
-
at least while compared to me
who has been in the lowest of places
been the worse of sinners and disgraced the name of God
-
‘but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more’
-
its by the very fact
when we say God makes foolish the wisdom of the wise
-
we judge things from this perspective
-

---

-------------------
-
So by saying I shouldn’t be in this ministry
are they saying it from their lens?
or the lens that God has given them, (wise christian council???)?
-
because if they say so
they’re saying God made a wrong choice
in letting me be here
-
So who am I to believe?

---

-------------------
But still
we should always remember this in the ministries God puts us in:
-
(Philippians 2:1-11)
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,

then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

---

Sand Castles

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Matthew 7:24-27
-

---

I was reminded of a Switchfoot song, ‘Gone’
-
Life is more than money, time was never runny.
Time was never cash, life is still more than girls.
Life is more than hundred dollar bills and roto-tom fills.
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills,
All the riches of the kings end up in wills
-
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
if you get the world and lose your soul?

---

what we build our lives on is important...
-
if we based our lives on now, on worldly wealth and riches, of careers
or worldly relationships, on acceptance
even of family
-
these things don’t count towards eternity...
‘the 2 biggest things a christian faces
one is persecution
the other is seduction by the world... christians normally can face the former, but many fall with the latter ’
(Charles)
-
we end up losing our first love for God
over something else much less significant
-
compared to basing our lives upon eternity
and living each day for Him
-
so we can stand together in the end of time and worship Him
and there is nothing that can compare to the joy that comes from that
-
where God..
...will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
(Rev 21:3-4)
-
we do know that like in the parable
where the guy builds his house on the ‘ROCK’
in which he has to work very hard to chisel away at the rocks to lay his foundation
-
likewise leading a life based to following Jesus and His gospel is not easy
-
compared to the guys who can easily construct his house on sand,
and like how after the tsunami, these houses get washed away
-
hence the former is a better choice, better than something temporal

---

many times I build my life upon many insignificant things
-
it was once upon computer games
upon getting the highest score
upon winning every game
and ‘pwning’ every opponent to get the ‘holy sh*t BEYONG GODLIKE’ kill streak
-
after that it was upon being accepted by a girl whom I really loved a lot
and even to base my life upon doing things to make her happy and comfortable
at the expense of everything else
-
but I come to realise that after all
everything will pass on in the end
-
but God remains faithful...
and He’s the one I should base my life upon
not anything else
-

People

Listing down a few people:
Petrina C
Tim
Amanda
Leemin
Daniel
XL
Kenneth
Evelyn

Fireac Juniors:
Zhuoer
Tina
Felicia
Pet L
Jayne
-

---

all of you in one way or another are special to me
in the sense of friendship, in the sense of how you have inspired me to grow closer to God
or grow as a person
-
I know life goes on, we’ll eventually find other people in our lives to fill up
but I do hope we’ll still keep in touch somehow
and even if we don’t and distance ourselves
I hope and pray we can remain united in Christ
and learn to love Him more each day
that we may worship Him together
when He comes again
-

---

I guess we’ll all be exposed to different cultures and experiences throughout our lives
-
But I do hope we all will be able to make the right decisions... to flee from temptations and sin
and pursue righteousness in Him...
-
hate the sin that is in this world... the sins of drunkenness, of sexual immorality, and of pride,
which is always too common for people in our generation...
-
value God above all, above relationships,
above acceptance by peers, above self, and above worldly wealth
-

---

just a few thoughts... for all the people whom I do love dearly in one way or another...
-
For the Y6s...
I wish you all the best for IB =) and your future endeavours
-
for Petrina, Tim and Evelyn
I pray you continue to love God and grow in Him even while overseas,
and not become consumed by work or assimilate into any sort of ungodly culture over there...
and make a difference in the live of the different people you meet over there.
and to find comfort from knowing Him in times of loneliness.
-
for the NS guys
I pray you find joy in serving the Lord while in NS
-

November rain...

“if emil. i read your blog post. november 17 ? did that really happen? you know the day that it rained. and you came out to get me”
(an sms I got on 13-01-2009, while I was doing a medical attachment in SGH)
not like it matters anyway
-
fast forward to today
“you don’t have to apologise to him anyway”
-

---

you still make me very sad sometimes
I just don’t show it much
-
it manifests it self in a strange way
as if I’ve started to hate you
-
esp. for the stuff you do...
-
I no longer harbour the same sort of affections I had
since they never meant much to you
-
but I wish you wouldn’t change that way...

---

on the other hand
I miss having my closest friends around
-
sigh
-
I wish both of you didn’t have to go
-
but in a way... Goodbyes are part and parcel of life I guess

---

you could say I’m not mature enough
owing to the way I deal with my emotions and things
-
I agree I guess...

---

Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don't you know you need some time
All alone
-
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
-

Foolishness to the world

For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written,
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise,
and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

(1 Cor 1:18-25)
-

---

------------------
if you look at the way we talk about Christ
-
you realise this... to people who don’t see it comes across as mere folly
-
why do we preach an empty tomb, a innocent man convicted who was hung and who died
when to others it just seems like a mere story that happened long ago...
-
why do we tell about a God who apparently can listen to us, can comfort us, that is so personal to us
yet it might seem like the random illusions cast by children with imaginary friends or schizophrenic mental patients
-
why do we tell about assurance of salvation, of hope and future
when to others it merely seems like a form of escapism from the harsh reality of this world
-

---

------------------
this is what God means to me
-
an all powerful, righteous and awe-some God
the God who holds the universe in the mere width of His palm
who is beyond time, beyond space
beyond all the limitations of the physical world
-
yet who created order and the physical universe
and made the laws of physics that govern this world
a God of order
-
yet a God who cares so much for each individual
that the very mere detail like the number of strands of hair each person has is numbered
-

---

------------------
this is what the Cross means
it shows me to what length God loves us
-
I know that one way a person demonstrates Love
Love is more than just gifts
more than just words
but Love demands presence and touch
-
so God came down as Jesus on the Cross
a perfect gift which was so perfect it could carry all the sins of the world
yet a gift that cost so dearly, it demanded so much
-

---

------------------
and this is what the resurrection means to me
it shows me that God can do all things
it shows me how God keeps his promises
it shows me how God has won victory over the price of sin - death
-
and you cannot simply say it was just an empty tomb when hundreds have seen Jesus alive after He was buried

---

------------------
this is what Christianity means to me
its not a set of rituals one follows to gain nirvana or eternal life
its about experiencing God in a way that cant be described
-
its not a fashion accessory that is tagged on as another separate part of life
but something that demands everything in life to be consumed with
-
and I quote CS lewis:
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
-

---

------------------
to many, its just another religion, another foolish religion
or worse, a cult of weirdos and strange delusional people
-
even as I was interrogated today,
as a form of ‘entertainment’
-
but to me, it means everything

the link...

you know for a number of days I woke feeling rather cheery and all that
getting out of bed was never an issue
even with lesser sleep... as I looked forward to the day ahead
-

---

but it’s a different matter when you go to the other extreme
-
if you wake up feeling sad and all that
you dread waking up
you wish to sleep to forget everything
-

---

hence the link between physical tiredness and emotional tiredness
the body’s responds to negative emotions by triggering a sudden need to sleep
-
I remember even in pri school
whenever i was disciplined by my mum (via the old fashion rod)
-
and ended up feeling very sad
I would lock myself in the room and cry myself to sleep
-
In IB, I ended up sleeping a lot
just to fight off the sadness arising from unrequited affections...

---

I guess in a way
that’s how God made it to be
-
because the sleep, rest is the way to heal us both physically and emotionally,
but ultimately we must always find our rest in Him...

sine curve

attaching my heart to another person's sine curve is strangely bitter-sweet,
yet past memories and experiences tell me that doing so is suicidal
-
even if I would trust the person with my whole life
-
sigh
am I getting too emotionally involved? even as a friend-friend level...
-
‘tis is so strange...
-

---

I know the odds is that people will move on
-
even close friends eventually drift apart
-
and sometimes I feel that perhaps even this ‘closeness’ is just an illusion
-
but... I .... ...
and I don’t want you to be sad =(

but this I still hold fast to

He knows my thoughts
my hopes and dreams
-
so this is what I tell Him
-

“Lord, You see my heart and my thoughts
you know my hopes, my dreams...
-
I pray You be Lord over all these...
-
if You determine that it is in Your will not to grant me what I desire and hope for
I pray You comfort me in that time, You will hold fast to me
and assure me that You still love me
and have a better and more perfect plan for my life
-
if in time, my hopes and dreams do come true
I pray that I’ll give thanks to You on that day
and that I will not forget You no matter what”
-

far away lies a chilly thought

you know how my mum always says pessimistic things
-
you know that she spells out one of the biggest fears I have
-
about how
people just move on... ...
-

---

if that does happen
-
I guess I’ll just wait
and search again... ...
-
after all it’ll be my fault in any case...

Prophecy

there was one thing John Tay said that was right
-
about my sister’s becoming a nun...
-
no... two actually

---

now I really hope
-
the third thing will be right...
-
sigh =/

in absentia

hanging around today
-
just wasn’t the same anymore without the usual
-

---

I shall be a bit strong in what I write in this post about something
-
but I guess you’ve to know, ever since I decided to drop off my feelings about you
I’ve learnt a lot...
-
it still makes me very sad though
hearing about clubbing
being yelled at and pushed at
-
even though through this apparent mask of apathy and disconcern
and apparent ‘interest’ for someone else
-
sigh
-
you said
“you have eyes for nobody but petrina”
-
but that’s not true
I always cared for you in a strange way...
always watched out for you...
-
and I guess everything still hurts me the way they did...
just less because I choose not to let them hurt me as much
-

---

if you read this
you might hate me for posting such stuff publicly
but I don’t really care if you hate me anymore...
-
I just want you to hate what God hates... somehow...

---

-
I wish I could change the influences and things that happened
-
the past and the present
-
but it was never meant to be my concern
-
as tim told me before
about how in any r/s (friendships/BGR/family)
-
we need to let God do His work in His time
and simply commit them in prayer
-

A true heart

Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body?
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.'
For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean’.“
(Matthew 15:17-20)

---

reflecting upon this short passage for the bible one thing thing makes me wonder
-
is it enough for us to simply hold fast to not speaking vulgarities, not saying lewd jokes, not doing acts of immorality
-
but here is the scenario I’m placed in...
I hold fast to the ideas of not swearing, not cracking lewd jokes, and not participating in orgy fests of peering over semi-porn magazines/Real porn
-
but that doesn’t mean my mind does not get corrupted by such influences in army
pretty soon I find myself thinking sinful thoughts, swearing in my head whenever I’m annoyed or irritated...
and it occasionally sometimes comes out of my heart into the mouth... except I mince it up
-
F*ck - AFFF
KNN- kana sai
LJ - cock
CB - cheeese
-
and I also know I’m not immune from thinking lustful thoughts and stuff....
while being friends with a number of girls helps a lot that I respect them enough to not want to think about it
but it seems to be repressed at one side just waiting to jump at me

---

---------
Jesus said it was not enough to simply do the outward actions and deeds
-
but like what He said:
”Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.“
(Matt 23:25-28)
-
But being a Christians starts from the inside first, being transformed into His likeness from the inside-out
-
so no matter what culture we get exposed to
it is important to learn to guard our hearts and minds and not become influenced, not just in our actions but in our hearts too

A weird dream

-
it was meant to be a chartered bus ride... like those we took from BB HQ to Perak for primers challenge
one of those long distance ones
-
but somehow the bus seemed empty except for you and me
sitting next to each other...
-
and after that Kenneth suddenly appeared and laughed
-
and I woke up ....

---

-
subconsciously
I still miss you a lot =(

Counter-culture

deciding to reflect upon my army experience so far...
-
after talking fair bit about how we get exposed to a culture we don’t feel comfortable in and stuff like that
-
in a sense of being placed in a palce of godless culture

---

I remember day one.... in the bunks of Leopard coy of BMTC sch 2
-
while we introduced ourselves to each other... largely JC students of different backgrounds
we still retained the sense of identity as such... JC students, polite conversations
-
till we got introduced to 3SG LKY (no it’s not Lee Kuan Yew, leopard people would know)
and the warren officers
-
very soon we realised what army culture was about
a culture opposed to the very moral values the christian faith believes in
-
I need not elaborate about the numerous vulgarities and lewd jokes, references, and posters splattered around the Plt office
but pretty soon, most of us began to lose out identity as polite JC students
and became assimilated into the whole culture of everything.
-
which brings us back to an important point I guess
-
As christians, we are told to be salt and light of the earth... (matt 5:13-16)
and we cannot hide our light (stand aside and try to blend in)
or lose out saltiness (assimilate into worldly culture)
-
which is the who danger of many of us immersed in various places with cultures opposed to our values
we end up sacrificing our values for the sake of gaining acceptance
and end up being too comfortable in a godless culture
-
in the same way Lot was comfortable in the culture of the Sodomites and choose to live among them
-

---

but then again it doesn’t mean we end up isolating ourselves from the rest... a mistake I made over the past 2 months while in Jurong camp.
-
it is possible, as I learnt in sembawang
and after Sean spoke to me about it
to be able to work with and even create friendships with people even in a godless culture, without sacrificing our own moral values
-
simply as Jesus put it
‘In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven’
-
an idea of putting in your best in everything
showing a good testimony, so that we may make a difference in a different culture.
-
an idea of being for people when they need it
just like how Jesus would reach out to a world of sin and depravity
-

absence makes the heart grow fonder...

you know how they always say friends come and go
life eventually forces friends apart... even best of friends
-
but again it all depends on how willing one is to hold on
a 2 way thing
-

---

even as one of my closer friends left
and the other prepares himself to leave too
I left here alone
I wonder if we’ll still be able to keep in touch always
-
since you’re always on my mind...
and I really miss having you around to talk to most days
-

---

its so stupid that I only realised something much later than I should have
but does it matter?
-
the idea of trust... even if life seems so uncertain
I need to learn that
-

---

if He truly holds my hand
and wants me to know that I need Him more than anybody else
-
learning to trust in Him
and Love Him above everything
-

---

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder
-
but its a long time...
many things could have changed by then...
-
I guess, only to trust in Him...

But the word of the Lord remains

looking beyond what you see now
-
to what He can do
and what He has promised to do, to give us a hope and future
-

---

So in a sense
being connected across 12 thousand kilometres isn’t that difficult
-
and friendships made might drift away
-
but if the Lord wills it
it will stay
-

---

I’ve behaved rather irrationally the past 2 days
since the morning of Friday
-
but I guess yeah... time to discard the old facades I tried to make up
or the thoughts I tried to force myself to think
-
I guess it is true then...

---

but I guess no matter how
-
words on a screen
even spoken words transmitted over electronic signals
or visual images over computers
-
nothing is the same as being physically present
and being able to smell, and touch
-

---

I guess in very much the same way
God doesn’t simply give us words from a bible
or audio visual miracle impacts like the works of his creation
-
He comes down and touches us
like the way Jesus touched the leper
-
because simply hearing or seeing is not enough for God to truly say He loves us

I must have spent

about close to $360+ last week
-
$250 - studio charges
$50 - Tcc
$60 - cab fares to Orchard and Changi
-

---

sigh
-
I’m broke
-
and broken too =(
-
sigh =(

tearing down the space

extreme sadness
-
to the point of
=’/
-
do I have a right to it?
-
sigh = /