Cognitive Triad

Got myself into a pretty confident start to the day, apparently managing to remember all the concepts i was supposed to know for HP3701, from the progress of relationships to models of positivity. So I decided a change of pre-exam routine was in order - Pitch-stop breakfast(instead of Palette), a quick stop at the bookstore to get supplies, and examination drink at Artease(instead of my usual Starbucks caramel macchiato)

Then somehow something snapped within me and all the positivity was drained out of me. Not to mention the very awkward waving to the Y1s only to have Pony recognize me and wave back(I took a while to register her presence... Opps, looks like all the TAs in NTU remember me very well even after I stop attending their classes.)

I ended up waiting silently for my drink and forcing myself to repress all the negativity. I guess I would have appreciated being able to converse a while and maybe self-disclose about the upcoming exam I had. But somehow it just felt so weirdly awkward and strange. I felt so lousy I didn't know what to say. I collected my drink and left off, contemplating whether to wave goodbye or just go away in some irrational fear that I would get ignored. At least Jolene noticed and waved back. Took the excuse to walk back(very strange behavior come to think of it), blurt out about my exam, and hurried off.

It didn't help that whatever came out for the paper wasn't what I expected, or that I had to do a question purely based on what I studied half a semester ago in Prof Ang's class because I wasn't expecting it to come out(didn't study it at all!), or that the paper was ridiculously hard. It didn't help that I felt so stupid for studying all the stuff that didn't come out. And it didn't help when I later realized I wrote 'Marcia' as 'Mowbrey'. Hopefully I get credit for describing the concept properly...

Thankfully, tea/lunch with CY and some of the graduating seniors after the paper managed to dissipate all the horrible thoughts and feelings I was having after that. Dinner with Aleem and Vicki, and teaching chi-sq to Aleem after that(within 15mins, compared to Prof Ringo's 2 hour lectures that no one understands ) helped to.

I realize this, somehow I'm suffering from chronic loneliness. Even when I'm laughing and surrounded by so many people, I still feel the same haunting feeling of being alone... I miss the closeness of friendships I had while in ACS...