REM rebound

3 consecutive nights of lack of sleep, of burning hope, and of persistent self doubt
Is what marks the CFFOC camp this year for me I guess.

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The sense of what we achieved this camp is very different from what I remembered the last few camps to be. God may be doing something different this year I guess, hopefully this continues to grow and revive our ministry here in NTU.

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Yet I sometimes wonder and think: What have I got myself into?
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The burden of responsibility, the fact that very real lives are at stake in this ministry. The fact that although we seem to finally kicked off the ignition to start the community engagement ministry, yet I’m still wondering whether we’re finally moving in the right direction.

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And the uncanny semblance to some aspects of last year that I remember. I don’t want another thing to bog me down this sem, not when I just starting to come to grips with the past, not when there’s so much expected from me and for me to do.
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Maybe I think too much, but it’s still scaring me. The weird dreams related to CF and other stuff are starting to creep me out.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Trish mentioned the psych term which describes completely what i went through…
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putting a label on the problem might make things clearer
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but perhaps there’s a need to change lenses, to change perspectives…

PFOC

I seem all somber and can’t really laugh somehow...

I haven’t really moved one right? even with that unspoken consensus on where things are right now…

Thankfully I don’t need to say more than I need to.

Tired and hope everything is going to work out fine. I’m having difficulty managing so many different commitments, emotions and thoughts that seem to bombard me ceaselessly. All while trying to maintain a certain image in front of everyone. I somehow end up feeling tired, a bit hurt and a bit melancholic below that surface that everyone sees...

there's only

one thing more scary than running out of energy and being burnt out

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it’s running around in circles, because you dunno where to go, eventually leading to being burnt out…

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running out of fuel in the middle of the race

versus having a full tank of energy, but not knowing where to go.

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I admitted, this state I’m in, is a matter of not wanting to expose myself to be vulnerable again…

An unspoken consensus, with mild stabs of longing and resignation…