what ifs

last words - various artists
then you must show me your new.... friend... must be cute okay, not like...
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hypothetically if that happened...
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I mean I try to convince myself
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that everything would be alright ...
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that I’ll just say the cliche of ‘its all in God’s will’ and therefore I’ll be thankful and give thanks to God
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but maybe in reality
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maybe I would be crushed beyond measure
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maybe I would just fall into a trap of cynicism
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and maybe...

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there really isn’t any point of thinking about it now
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I found myself thinking about what I am not
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I’m not perfect, more imperfect than so many other people
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maybe it’s just another form of discouragement
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seasons in life come and go
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circumstances don’t make sense so many times
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we all fall short of what we could be
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but I guess
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everything works by the grace of God... only He can piece together all the broken pieces of life
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So I pose a question
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God is this really a thorn in the flesh meant for me to endure, so I can truly say that Your grace is sufficient for me, and You power is made perfect in my weakness?
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or it’s a test of time? a test of how much I’m willing to change, to learn, to grow in maturity...

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maybe I should just listen to advice a close, precious friend of mine told me... 2 years ago
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‘why do you still hang on to some hope when you know there's practically none?’
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‘and yeah just look forward to pure friendship i guess’
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‘it’s better than nothing’
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‘cos well if there's some element of hope’
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‘then of course it's worth hanging on to that feeling (maybe) ‘
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so is there hope, at all? i wonder...

Fruit

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
(Galatians 5:16-26)
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Reading this passage again, after a night of tears, of wrestling with God, of everything I heard from Marc, from sitting opposite Trevose at a park... from fighting with myself while watching buses after buses pass me by
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this passage frightens me...
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how many times do ‘christians’, my friends, myself,

• engage in malice, hatred... ?


• have selfish ambitions for our own gain?


• put things before God, whether it is our comfort, our pleasure, our processions, our relationships, which constitute idolatry?


• indulge in drunkenness and wild parties?

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if we do , even just a bit, we cannot inherit the life that God has promised us, we cannot meet him because we are not holy... and anything which isn’t holy cannot stand before the presence of God
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if we do, we’re no better than the ‘assistant cell group leader’ of a liberal church movement, whom I heard a certain friend of mine talk about with regard to his promiscuous behaviour...
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Sin is sin...
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there is no such thing as a lesser sin or greater sin... God hates sin, there isn’t a difference between big or small...
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I have heard of people who tell me about how everything is fine, they justify sin by making less of it, by saying its about drawing the line,
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but if we really are saved, if we have Christ in us as the ruler over our lives...
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we would have ‘crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires’
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and the question no longer becomes about ‘where to draw the line, and how to go as close to it as possible with stepping over’
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but about whether we glorify God in our actions... or dishonour his name

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this really is a wake up call for me...
to pray
ask God for forgiveness
ask God to give grace
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and ask that God will restore all of us who have fallen into the trap of a worldly lifestyle

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somehow I’ve been putting certain things in my life above my walk with God
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its not about compromising values to fit in,
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not about trying to do everything to be appreciated and to be able to enjoy the company of a certain friend
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sigh... I need forgiveness... I’m so sorry...

and I don't know why, I cant keep my eyes off you...

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its 3am
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I wonder why should I get so upset over a small matter like this...
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but I guess... yeah...

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everything is beautiful...