4.6

Was it worth it? sigh :/

Dystopian universe

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Being alone in hall on Christmas eve and probably Christmas day

yet isn’t Christmas supposed to be about hope?

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I love stories of dystopian universes, like Orwell’s 1984, Hurxley’s Brave New World. We like to think of our progress as success, but maybe there’s so much more to life than that…

Just watched Hunger Games (over the net). Maybe I should try to pick up a copy of the book. Haha. it seems interesting...

Last christmas I gave you my heart…

Another pathetically weird dream.

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I dunno whats wrong with me now. I keep having these weird dreams I don’t want to have, consecutively.

Bluebird

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Thinking of what songs we could perform this coming year…

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I sometimes wish I didn’t commit myself to doing URECA. I have no idea what I’m doing now :/

That unsettling feeling juxtaposed with dysthymia

I dunno who I can talk to about this.

There are people I want to talk to whom I shouldn’t talk to

There are people I can talk to but they won’t help

and there are people whom I can’t talk to at all

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sigh… I’m not ready to give up everything just yet…

The Tower

“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple.

For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’

Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace.

So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be My disciple.”

(Luke 14:26-33)

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There is an abandoned construction piece, shall we call it a tower, at Khon Kaen, next to the Charoenthani Hotel. It was apparently supposed to be another grand and tall hotel building, construction started sometime in the 1990s.

Then the asian financial crisis struck, and the project was abandoned, and left derelict, an empty shell.

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I’ve seen projects like these in other places, such as Indonesia. Typically, they end up being abandoned, and eventually, years later, someone comes in, demolishes whatever’s left, and restarts from scratch.

Perhaps, maybe one’s Christian walk is like that. I used to be pretty, shall we say, ‘on fire’ about Christianity, and wanted to serve and do things in many areas. Then suddenly out of nowhere, a lot of disappointments and closed doors cropped up, leaving me tired, worn out, and apathetic.

But perhaps it’s this testing process, of demolishing whatever’s been put up without much thought, that prepares one to the disciple that God calls one to be. Zeal alone, emotional highs, cannot bring one far in spiritual growth. Rather, it is the deliberate, conscious commitment and conviction, and careful consideration of the cost, which leads one to spiritual maturity.

And Christianity, as always, is all about surrendering our plans , hopes, dreams to Jesus. And knowing that He makes things beautiful in its time…

Camels and needles

Typing this some where in Korat province. We were stranded somewhere near the border of khon kaen because the bus broke down, so we had to switch buses. in the waiting time of 2 hours, we spent talking to each other. I had the opportunity to talk to Kien Ann, the BB thailand Director and Singaporean Missionary. He asked me a few questions about whether I felt convicted to do something beyond short terms mission over here

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Felt really uncomfortable after that. I knew a few years ago I ever considered doing more in Thailand. But I left that aside a long time ago. Particularly after what happened to my sister, I didn’t think it was a good idea to think about it. I also remember a few youth camps ago, I was wondering if God was calling me to something beyond my current ministry in Christianity.

Pastor Issiah prophesied to me a few years ago that “God has a great destiny for me” - specifically. I dunno what prompted him to tell me that, but during the few times I bump into him, he reaffirms that. But I don’t know if its in the area of missions, or worship or both.

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The Thai youths, children and teachers & Christian workers inspire me every time I talk to them (with my horrible thai) and find out more. Christianity in Singapore is so much more plastic and more about putting up a front. But over here, everything seems more real, the struggles they face, their uninhibited worship sessions…

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I remember talking during CF camp about missions, and Thailand. And I guess what really got me interested was how you shared about missions to Thailand too… But it’s not important anyway

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I wonder how much I’m willing to give up if it comes to this… But I also would like to do something related to my major too, working with the special needs community. Sigh…

Concerned Silence

Maybe I have no right in intruding myself into the lives of others.

But I find my thoughts drifting back to Singapore while being inspired by the lives of thai children

And I wonder whats troubling you, but I dare not ask or say anything about it. If I’m supposed to leave it be, I shouldn’t

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I found myself having recurring nightmares even in Thailand, waking up in the middle of the night.. Maybe I’m having post-traumatic stress disorder after the past week of exams, but the stupidest part is that all involved some exams I’m not involved in (Chinese, Stats…). And although the matter doesn’t occupy my waking hours that much anymore, I still dream vividly about you.

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Busying myself interacting with the Thai children and attempting to communicate to them in a mixture of broken Thai and English, watching how they worship God in the school with such energy and passion… these make me happy, contented and inspired each and everyday. In fact, I don’t feel lethargic, depressed or unhappy in any way. But yet I wonder why these dreams and unconscious thoughts still plague me at night? Maybe it’s true that I draw energy and strength from being around and working with other people, but the silence of night and sleep brings out these unsettled cognitions and emotions that still dwell within.

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Maybe thats why being cooped up in my room alone during the exam period produced the most amount of melancholy and dysthymia in me. I hope when this trip is over - in a few days time. I’ll be able to adapt and not fall back into this trap of negative rumination and self-depreciation. And maybe slowly, in the right time, the issue will resolve itself the way its supposed to me. God will make everything beautiful in its time...

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I guess, there will be people we care about who end up not caring about us in the same way… But God cares about us, and thats enough…

Times have changed

I remember a few years ago, I was rather upset about being told I wasn’t temperamentally suited to serve in a certain area of ministry. And in the end, it meant that I ended up moving else where to find a different avenue of service.

Now, I’m back, in contact with the people whom I might have had a chance to impact during the past 3 years. Not sure if they still remember me as one of the pseudo instructors who appeared during their first camp that many years ago… it was my first block leave I had from army too...

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It feels rather strange. I guess I’ve changed a lot too. I used to be easily led on by emotions and driven by passion. Now it seems that I’m in a position where I’m just letting God show me where to go, day by day. I’m no longer a person who takes what people say to me at face value, and end up scrutinising every word in an effort to decipher a person’s intentions

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Times have changed over here in Khon Kaen, Thailand too. 6 years ago, during my first trip in June, there were fewer cars, fewer buildings, and less people. No big shopping malls and franchise eateries. No super fast 3G internet or WiFi either.

Yet things have not changed too. I still see the same city shrine pillar, the same forgotten construction shell, the same slums, the same orphanage. The cycle of poverty still continues despite advancements elsewhere.

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I still think about stuff everyday. Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother when it’s unlikely thinking about it is going to make a difference. I’m still the same person, a little insecure and trying to find a way through this confusing world of meaningless concepts and questions, life goals that give temporal satisfaction while leaving you wondering if working for them was worth it.

We ate ramen today. Tonkushu ramen, with chicken karrage and charshu. Thailand on the whole is changing so much that even international cuisine has been introduced and aggressively franchised, albeit with some thai modifications. The charshu wasn’t the melt in the mouth kind though, so I just gave it away. I still don’t really like the texture of pork that much.

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As we passed by the AIDS orphanage. I remember one of the officers in 2007 who joined us for the trip. He was sharing his testimony about his battle with cancer back then to encourage the children and the mission workers. Just last year, he had a relapse and cancer claimed his life. Life may be short, but I guess what really matters in the end is that we lived a life to the full, and died giving glory to God.

I kept wondering though. I never expected during that time that 5 years later, I would be walking down the same path and remembering all that happened.

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I wish I dared to say how I feel about everything directly. But at the same time I guess theres a time and place, and perhaps now’s not the time? But I guess I want to keep hoping and trusting that God makes everything beautiful in its time. In my life, and in the lives of the many I see here who have yet to come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ...

Surely as the Sun rises

It’s been 2 years since I last changed my blog header skin.

But I want this to be a statement of faith to myself

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Let us acknowledge the Lord;

let us press on to acknowledge Him.

As surely as the sun rises, He will appear;

He will come to us like the winter rains,

like the spring rains that water the earth.

(Hosea 6 : 3)

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I took this photo about 8 months ago, after a long tiring night of cycling. The beauty of God’s Creation, the colours, the vibrancy of it all the colours...

Everyday, the sun rises in the morning, giving life to the earth, giving hope for a new day. We don’t think so much about it, but without it, there wouldn’t be much life on earth.

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Like the sun that comes everyday, He is faithful…

The Silent Observer

Most of us have probably been through a period of time, that somehow, God seems silent. And sometimes it seems like He doesn’t care at all. We go through a rough patch, we ask him for direction and purpose, for comfort, for His love

But it seems like He says nothing at all…

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Is silence really a measure that God, or a person doesn’t care about you?

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When a child grows up, his parents nurture, care and protect the child. When he grows older, he learns to walk on his own, to go out into the world and face it. And he grows, not because his parents held his hand all the way and refused to let go, but slowly, surely, let him find his space and independence.

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Silence is a test of our faith. And it doesn’t mean God is not there or loves us any less. He’s there, watching us, and feeling all our hurt and pain. But He knows that it’s only through the testing of our faith that leads to preserving, and perseverance must finish its work for us to be complete, not lacking anything (James 1:4).

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Somehow this thought came to me about loving others… Not saying anything might be the best way to go, because letting go is a form of love… if it’s the right thing to do… for this season in time…

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I said a prayer for you today,
that everything will be okay
& that you may find joy, hope and strength from others around you.

In His Time…

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

What gain has the worker from his toil? I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

Ecc 3:1-11