I hope this isn’t going to kill me again…
I’ve busy to the point I have really no time to reflect, to think or ruminate about the consequences or probable outcome of my actions. On one hand I guess it keeps me in a sane, unemotional, and apathetic state. But I’m still wondering whether I can give so much of myself without ending up disappointed and hurt. It’s like when you’re around people don’t notice you and know how much effort one puts into stuff one does.
I slept at insane hours the past few days. Rushing out URECA, Psych Soc stuff, Hall Stuff, and some of my own personal projects. Not to mention my very poor attempt at keeping up with my notes and readings. I seem to have lost the drive I had in Year 1 in producing high quality notes. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. And sometimes there’s this terrible thought that comes to my head:
“nobody cares about what you do”
I keep giving excuses, external attributions about people’s behaviour. It's natural that one wants to keep a positive sense of self, that one isn’t at fault, and it’s other people’s fault. But I guess there comes a point that you realise its not a good idea to live in a delusional bubble of lies.
So weird to be surrounded by people all the time, talking, laughing joking, yet feel so alone…
it’s strange how a few seconds, maybe minutes, can mean so much to one, yet nothing to the other…
