A tiring truth

I only have one week to complete all my EIS stuff
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and the long tiring hours at OETI isn’t helping
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tiring because of having to wake up early just to idle there... OETI is really too slack...
shorter hours would suffice...
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the other thing
is that somehow I cannot help comparing 2 people
even my mum does that too...
concluding this and that
that if you did measure all the standards
you’ll realise one is definitely better...
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but realising everything doesn’t really matter
after you realise everyone is, after all, going to move on later this year
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and yeah... I whine too much...
seems like I haven’t learnt much from last year, I was doing the same too,
except I’m being more realistic and hence
“not putting myself in a position of hurt”
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everyone tells me to move on
I dunno, because somehow I don’t know
whether I have already done so or not...
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and if i do so
is it really the correct thing to do?
or the correct way to do so?
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I just wonder sometimes
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just imagine if i do get into Med
(in the most highly unlikely circumstances, although I’m trying to remain optimistic...)
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and really lose my life into my job later
sigh... I wonder where everything leads after that...

okay... duh...

RAHHH
I think I’m going mad...
bahhh...

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random msns doesn’t help
this is so dumb...
boo...
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sigh... making me feel that way isn’t helping
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like the first thing i notice
and the next thing I notice
and everything
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this is so stupid..
bleah...
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I’m not making sense anymore...
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maybe I should go to sleep...

somehow

sometimes its uncanny...
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but somehow I still feel that way...
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Esp. then...
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sigh... maybe leemin is right
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maybe love is hope in itself...

other than that...

besides the thoughts on the post below(which only resurfaced for a while)
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I dunno... sometimes I wonder if I’m pushing over the edge...
like being unnaturally close to people...
I should be careful either way
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don’t really want history to repeat itself again...
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then again... 4 months doesn’t seem too long a time anyway...
looks like the 2 people I trust, and usually confide with would be gone soon...,
that is, if Tim really does get the PSC, and go overseas...
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so its just me alone after that
sigh...

Distinction

is it possible to make a distinction
between loving a person
and so called ‘holding on to hope’
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since I quote:

you know. it doesnt make a difference if you hold on to hope vs liking the person and giving up hope.
liking/love is hope in itself.

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when they all ask me ...
I still say the same thing:
“I given up hope”...
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but if you ask me about how I feel about it... nothing much has changed...
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everyone all tells me the same thing... to various degrees
as a sane rational person
I do know... I won’t hold on to something that I cant do anything about
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but then I cannot do what i did before... tell a certain O.Z.X.
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as Ian told me,as Charles told me
no point running away from it...
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face up to it... like a man

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somehow a lot of people i know seem to be exasperated with my so called “stubbornness”
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I know, I keep to myself
I don’t really do anything much
somehow, silence doesn’t seem enough
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I heard stuff too
the not so nice stuff...
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it pains me sometimes
but I have to agree also
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but I cannot do anything eitherway
maybe I could pray
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but again, I cannot give myself away
I have to guard my own heart...

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in a sense, maybe having such an extensive photo library isn’t good
the pictures just remind me of the past...
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which is why, after so long
I thought of this again...
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I guess if you do read this someday
i dunno if you care anyway...
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not like it really matters...

Call to readiness

when God called Jonah to preach to Nineveh, he wasn’t ready...
but God called him all the same
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when God called Jeremiah, he said this:
“ah Lord God! Truly I do not know how to speak, for I’m only a boy”
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but God replied:

“Do not say, ‘I am only a boy’,
for you shall go to all to whom I send you,
and you shall speak whatever I command you.
Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver them”
(Jeremiah 1:6-8)

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when I was called to serve the ministry of FireAC 2 years ago,
I was aware of the cost... but I was never ready per se...
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God taught my many lessons over the past 2 years,
He broke me down, and build me up again...
which have changed me and made me a better person...
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a certain Mr Ng said this before

“God equips the called, rather than call the equipped”

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I guess I do know...
perhaps, I do know a lot of things have been there
that might so called ‘justify’ the “for the sake of the boys” reason
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but God did say:

“if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come”(2 Cor 5:17)

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I need to somehow truly detach myself away from the old stigmas that have always been associated with me... all my life
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somehow it doesn’t seem right
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why is it that people in church view me as being more responsible and mature; I never had to deal with old stigmas and circumstances when i joined a few years back.
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while my peers in school do not?
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my juniors might think otherwise; having known me at a much later date
but I still don’t know...
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I guess it is because of the old ways
somehow maybe
in time to come
when I do finally shed all these
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that is when,
everything I hoped before
will come to pass...
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but if it doesn’t, it is still in God’s will

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I wonder if you do realise
I really do take what you say to heart...

Ministry

on the ground, really seeing everything...
a heart to see God glorified in the lives of those God has entrusted to us
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but some how, serving, without any commissioning,
being a whole different perspective
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Assumption is one thing i guess
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but seeing what people say
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encouragement, and discouragement
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...for the sake of your own feelings...
but I know, that doing the will of God may not necessary be an easy task,
but if God does call one down to it, how one feels about it is secondary,
eventually, God will give us the joy of serving Him
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... for the sake of the boys...
That isn’t fair...
I have asked this before, and said as a prayer many times:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.
See if there is any wicket way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalms 139:23-24)

If I do come clean with God?
That I know that I have been justified through faith in Christ,
and that from the grace He showed on the cross I have been made righteous in the sight of God?
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...and pray more...
I guess , I will...

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I wished you could have answered that question... did you agree totally?
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yeah, maybe I whine too much... oh well...,
but that is because I trust you enough to say some stuff...

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when it comes down to everything
I guess as life is lived...
Having a meaningful and effective ministry...
God if it is according to Your will, open the way...

Dramaticism

imagination speaks as much
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The day you become the hero and save the day under exceptional circumstances....
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that people might see and know...

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but look at the floor and see again...
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you see earth
dreams are dreams
reality is here...
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so that your giving will be in the secret, and your Father who sees what is done in the secret will reward you...(Matt 6:4)

Persistance

how do you know whether you should or not
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sigh
I wish the past didn’t have to haunt me
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if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come...(2 Cor 5:17)
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i wish people would just take it as that...

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Forgiveness as how God gave it freely
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freely you have received... hence freely you should give

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sigh talking to you’ll
and knowing that certain things have their say
their way in it
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I wish
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but how do you fulfil a calling...
unless God changes the hearts of the authorities
and makes a way?

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on the other hand
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yeah maybe he finally caught on...
maybe changing it wasn’t a good idea...
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i dunno how about it though
i guess it’s really no big deal
closeness in a friendly way anyway
not much different from my best friend anyway...
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not sure how you mind though...
but at least it helps me move on... for now...

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then again, it’s the whole sense thing
you know it won’t happen that way
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so well...
eventually history might repeat itself after the 8th month
and I slowly fall back into that again...
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accident & emergency, the way DS puts it...
not allpick
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sigh... I wish you didn’t have to go... ...

maybe...

maybe its true...
maybe its possible to be addicted to sadness...
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simply put somehow
meeting up with people you hold as close friends
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playing all those games and stuff
doing all the things everyone does
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they can never satisfy
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sigh... when you know you wont see
after then
how do you know where to go
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sooner or later...
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you know, that every inch of emotion tells you one thing
but every other bit of sense tells you another
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yeah sometimes, i wish the goodbyes came faster
yet sometimes, i wish i could stay with you’ll forever
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God sees every circumstance... He sees what is to come...
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Sigh... why can’t i trust Him?
that He will provide in time to come...
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Since everyone is telling me
I will get over everything in time to come...

What leads you on

is it God that leads a believer on?
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but then again, how certain are we that the God that we know really is God...
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or is it just a mess of human emotions? or logic?
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the problem with youth culture
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is that more of than not, the perception of God has become a mere emotional figure
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rather then a real God, who is so much more then this
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so tell me
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if being in a particular circumstance brings forth particular emotions and thoughts
am I to say that i should simply follow these thoughts and emotions?
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i highly doubt it...

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or logic - another scary part
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while God does give each person the ability of a sound mind
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yet the “foolishness of God is wiser than the wisdom of man”(1 Cor 1:25)
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We all know very well, that many a time in biblical history, God has asked his followers to do something ridiculously absurd.
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Like buying a field when you know that your land is about to be conquered by the Babylonians(Jeremiah 32)
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Like marrying a loose woman you know for sure is going to cheat on you (Hosea)
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so this whole problem is, how can we discern the will of God
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the order is important...
1. Prayer
2. Word
3. Inner peace
4. Godly Counsel
5. Circumstances
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the order is important... look what happens if we screw it up:
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Example:
Circumstance - person A likes B
Godly Counsel - Friends think B is good, more often than not they don’t really say much
Inner Peace - since friends - emotions, feel good about it _ ????
Word - distortion
Prayer - distortion
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and in everything we know, God has a timing, and a purpose
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I guess, we need to learn to wait too...
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sigh...
I dunno why no matter how I try to convince myself
I still feel like this...
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but even so.... as circumstances would dictate otherwise...
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which direction should i go...

LSE

* no, I’m not referring to London School of Economics...
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i seem to be suffering from that quite a bit...
oh well...
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you know when you think of it
there are always people whom would be a better choice
its better for you to take it then me...
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sigh...
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Kallang Payar-lebar Expressway is cool,
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Bubble tea doesn't work for me...

Fix you...

sigh... I wish... i could let people see
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how to surrender, and trust God , and hope in God for the right things

since there's nothing my God cannot do

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i see the blame, the hurt, the anguish
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I know how the pain is like
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but if you really love a person
you would let him go....
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sigh... trying to fix you... doesn’t fix me
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When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

tired...

i dunno
even so
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excessively tired and confused
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Can i have the strength to tie up all the knots
and get out of this mess?
like what everyone is telling me to do...
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or just stay in it
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I’m starting to behave very weirdly....
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sigh
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=(

Dare you to move...

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?
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I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
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Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
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Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

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mistakes you made in the past...
they still, they do, they will come back to haunt
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but what matters is the now and the future...
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simply put
one thing can be said about everything
God is our hope, our refuge, our very present help in time of trouble...

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maybe simply put
a need to depend on God for strength
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a need to be able to discern the will of God
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and ... a need to never place anything above God
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I don’t know what tmr brings....
i dunno if what people do... subtly, indirectly or intentionally
maybe end up seeing me worse off...
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but i know...
whatever i see, i suspect, is true or not....
that God surely will make things beautiful in its time
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but if you did know how i felt
and you still carried on
i dunno what sense of decency is that =(
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and if you did know whatever you do
sometimes, may cause brothers to stumble
may cause unpleasant gossip that destroys you in the end...
and you did it anyway
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I dunno whether you have the fear of God...
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maybe its true, if you did understand that
“unforgivably mean”
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yet i forgive and forget...
the same way I forgave other people...

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yet
take every observation, every “rationalisation”
with a pinch of salt...
don’t make hasty assumptions
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A E F

I felt devastated today
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perhaps... it was true... “better to keep me happy”...
like what was said at Mad Jacks 2 months back...
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somehow i cannot understand...
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from an attitude of:
“sure got shelter”,
and not giving a damn
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“sure it matters...
it shows that they don’t care...”
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if they don’t care... well?
I guess it never said anything about me...

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“just left... ... have you’ll eaten yet?...”
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“wait a while
wait....
how long does it take?”
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but no one waited or looked for me after that...
left outside Carl’s Junior alone
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everything is fair
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since otherwise
everyone has a right of choice
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you don’t need to
if you don’t want
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you can do anything you want...
i can only keep silent... that’s the way it should be always
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“I don’t want to go for the **** thing... **** just wants the guys”
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i felt outraged
i kept it to myself...

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sigh =(
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Poc day - 10th mar
i wonder what else...
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I tried so hard to make everyone happy
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I only ended up upsetting myself more and more
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sigh =(

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to be fair
it isn’t anybody’s fault...
it’s just mine... =(
i let myself get affected by stuff that shouldn’t affect me
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and i guess, by writing it all out, I’m just being selfish...
maybe... like what some people do, I’m just emotionally blackmailing people subtly
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maybe, yet I might be being moved around like a puppet...
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I know you’ll who don’t care will just laugh
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somehow i just needed an outlet =(

questions

everytime... you when you hear and see...
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its not a matter of “want” , not our desires, nor our will
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you know what people say... what people hear...
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the question is, i seem very insecure eitherway...
there are so many things that mean so much to me
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but a lot of times, i feel as if people around me have turned against, betrayed
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all the time, first one, next the other, and another
trying to push away everything I hold or held
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You all really don’t care do you?
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sigh... best not to listen to hearsay and gossip...
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when the time comes... it will come...

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the screen of advice:
“don’t listen to what other people say”(that is not worth listening to)
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sigh, i need to learn that...

ks

CAT 1 is everyday these few days...
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but somehow , it seems like I’m always being ks-ed
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the same, the same...

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sigh... I wish i would stop thinking about it... the past, the present, the future...