because I think everything is going to be just fine (:
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A new week is a new start, a new beginning
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So lets leave the past behind, and look ahead to better things (:
Sometimes, these few days, it seems like I’m living out multiple facades and identities…
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A) there’s a part of me thats become very cynical and disconnected with my emotions. It’s also starting to doubt whether God know’s what He’s doing. Fits of moodiness, anti-social behaviour and bitterness accompany this identity
B) There’s a part of me that desires to be a better person for God, who believes strongly in social causes and justice. Believes that everything happens for a reason, and that God is just using trials to shape me to a better person...
C) There’s a part of me that is really very upset, and doesn’t like what’s going on. He’s fighting with A and doesn’t want it to ruin my life, especially the friendships that are important to me
D) There ‘s a part that thinks it’s better to move on. He says that “things like this just happen”. He reminds me that there are also a lot of other people who value me as a person, and probably I’ll find another person who’s suitable for me in time to come…
‘D’ randomly initiates conversation with certain people, transferring my previous emotional attachments to them, almost as if it were a rebound effect.
Attitudes and reasons - introspection can lead to a behavioural change
Also behaviour can give us assumptions on our own internal state when we’re not too clear whats going on.
Whatever it is that happens after this. I’ll be more careful and not repeat mistakes again.
However I think personality ‘A’ is causing me to have dysfunctional attitudes and behaviour towards others… and I’m seemingly becoming increasingly isolated… ‘A’ seems to manifest itself under certain stress conditions…
Thank God for other friends in the meantime…
‘C’ shows itself in the quiet of my room, where I’m left with only myself…
‘B’ is still dominant when I’m asked about how I feel towards social causes, in CF, or during tutorial discussions about social frameworks to help special needs kids…
For that matter, I may sound like a Dissociative Identity Disorder(DID - also known as Multiple Personality Disorder) sufferer in this post. Except I still consider myself as one person, and each facade is just a part of how I’m coping with the situation now. yay.
Also because I’ve just read a book about DID for background reading - so points about DID are particularly salient in my mind now…
and that’s the first person today who mentioned it (out of the last 5 tutorials..)
Being an obnoxious know-it-all isn’t what I’ll usually want to do…
usually it involves someone catching me and telling me that I’m talking too much and me shutting up.
But I don’t really care anymore
At least I’m not useless and stupid and worthless.
I WANT TO STOP the stupid thoughts that keep cropping up..
Study hard indeed… I don’t need to right?…
Screw life and all the disappointments it likes to throw at me..
Yet I’m trying to move on and know life is more than this… help…
Starbucks… running around… in the effort to distract myself from everything...
