Where the Love lasts forever

Your mercy found me

upon the broken road

and lifted me beyond my failing

-

when all else fades my soul will dance with You

where the Love lasts forever....

-

and forever I will sing... how You gave Your life for me...

---

an orange/yellow duck toy...

-

and the long walk from 105 Ganges Avenue to Scotts road...

I know... we both knew each others side of the issue...

but I wish... I could've talked face to face about it...

-

but thanks, for being such a great sport. For being such a great friend... and for being who you are...

-

And now, free to do the will of God... ... I know... ... maybe thats why He wanted me to do this

-

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.(Romans 5:5)

Sharing Blessing Giving

SGB - sharity gift box

potential presidents man duty 

heh

-

I sort of signed up for that shift... after i realised 

1) i had time

2) heh... other reasons

-

---

oh well

its been a tiring weekend for me, with SGB from 8-10( zzz ppm duty is longer)

-

but i guess, its been fun as well as tiring///

---

warehouse packing and sorting, a good way to interact with boys form other companies, as well as the other primers.

-

delivery to a benficiories house... with a other boy... as we were walking back to HQ from Jalan kukok, a good oppotunity to share the gospel... hopefully, one day as the seed is planted, it will bear fruit

-

and hotline maintainence, "good morning/afternoon/evening/riddance Boys' Brigade"

-

along with making fun of Lee Min, chatting with Tessa, haha

-

and the ops team, half crazy over girls, I dont see how on earth they can get so easily interested with the TJC girls or Lee Min

-

heh... and lol, talking about Tessa, and haha, sorry guys, not for sale... haha

-

nutters sia...  but they generally are a nice bunch, maybe a bit pai kia, but nice I guess... haha

-

---

i guess, 22, running around like siao at the first part thanks to miscomm... pff

-

haha

---

and sunday, another long day... church, cycling at downtown east with Hannah, Karen, Jasmine and family

-

but I dunno, while I was playing the fool with the bike, and being swored at by Hannah,

sighz, i wish you wouldnt use such words... it isnt nice

-

then captians talk... , haha, quite a few people didnt turn up pff... and amanda popping by after flying back from Europe, straight from the airport, lol

-

and I somehow couldnt conenct during the singspiration that day, oh well, wasted... 

maybe I should have just stuck with guitar, even though I'm better at piano, maybe it was distracting, or maybe i was being distracted myself

-

heh... i wonder why, looking at things, but i guess, not important for now, not a good idea to read into stuff

-

but I guess, I'm glad, 3 ppl, 3 friendships recounciled, all thanks to God

-

---

LAN at paradiz from 1030-12

missed the last bus, mum fetches

-

back home, MSN chats, and my mum yelling for me to go eat... pff

-

oh well

ended up sleeping close to 4 after chating for nearly 3 hours

---

haha

oh well

Pooh Huney

Back from the MAD KKdec07 trip a few thoughts..

---

heh, refer to tim's pooh and christopher post way back

http://limmdt.wordpress.com/2007/07/16/sequel/

as I broke the thought fast that night before we were going for RnR, our work in khon kaen done,  and John Tay half asleep in the room ( probally wasnt really listening haha)

-

I guess I realised... God is so much more, so much more satisfying, the thoughts of Him are beautiful in a sense

-

and I guess the other thoughts, they aren't bad per se, God gives us emotions , and God's gift is beautiful eitherway...

-

I guess I've learnt quite a bit in the trip... besides drawing closer to other people in friendship, John, Eve, Fab, Petrina, Joshua, Gareth... and more

-

and the ongoing theme of surrender, surrendering the past, the future, and the present in His hands

-

while I know a lot of well meaning people have been telling me to surrender, to "give up" on a particular issue... while I know that everything is in God's hands... and I trust in that.... the thing I had to surrender on that issue .... is not the issue... but my fear... 

-

why should I fear? If God is for me who can be against me? Trust the Lord with all Your heart...

-

beautiful savior... wonderful King

---

heh.... stuck in 2 flights in one day is disgusting... especially when both are budget air...

-

haha... i wonder how Tim and Tessa are doing in Japan, and Amanda in France..

-

and Evelyn in the airport waiting for 7 am to board the plane to India

-

all the best to you all I guess haha... enjoy yourselves

-

---

and torrential work awaits me... gg... sighz

Let the words remain unsaid

"guard Your heart for it is the wellspring of life"

-

I guess... the thought fast... is getting harder... a few days was fine... but 

-

and maybe... the tendency to "find a substitute"... a mind starved of thought...

-

so much for "nicorette"

-

sighz... I wish... my heart could be drawn to You alone... not anything else...

-

---

I will not post much... thought fast shall not be flaunted until at least the R&R day

-

But a rift... a certain officer is starting to annoy me a lot ( and vice versa)

-

why... I wish...

-

perhaps the way I work is different from other people... 

-

---

some things are going well

yet I dunno something still troubles me alot... and i dunno what it is

-

or perhaps the restraining is painful... 

-

Blessed be Your name 

In the road marked with suffering

Though there is pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand

And ... I cried... as finally... something that was troubling me for so long... and... finally... recouncilation...

-

Perhaps... thats was what You wanted to show me Lord... ... Thank You...

-

---

Prayer walk.... around KK.... it seems, a lot of spiritual strongholds....

while I went as a prayer warrior as a small group of us around the city... dead brown moths littering a shrine... birds refusing to land on any of the sturctures in the vincinity...  more...

-

Lord... cleanse this Land... and make it holy, consecrated, for Your glory

-

---

and to a evangelistic concert... fervant prayer with Mr Wesley Cheong...  the small group of us.... memories of MAD June 06 come to mind... 

-

and we see God's power... and healing... and Thais coming to receive Christ

-

and Pastor Ariel for philipines... sharing his own testimony.... 

"Dont worry about anything... just obey God"

(my thought fast... begins to waver unfortunately... better not think at all... pfff)

-

as we returned... and Fab with Eve... thanks both of you... esp Eve...

-

I pray... that... as another friendship is rebuilt... Lord.. you help us...

-

and I while.... need to be careful not to da chao jing se...

-

All thanks to God..

-

Seek Him while He may found

Yet again… while posting from Thailand… KK, (the hotel has wireless, yay… but  its super laggy)
-
Since Fab can’t do his imba recollection of a days activities on his blog ( my laptop haha) I shall do a quick break down…

---

DAY 1:
-
Airport at Budget Terminal, Ate the most horrible chicken pie I ever ate in my life…
-
(1^st hitch up)
Lee Min Air E-ticket dates…. 7/8
-
In a sense the team was kinda of worried… how on earth … the flight is fully booked…..
-
… Christine…. who was there to send us off… who pulled out… amazing intervention by God… Lee Min takes Christine ticket
-
(2^nd Hitch up)
The bus was too small to take all our luggage… kinda freaky… luckily we managed to get a van of sort to transport the stuff
-
(3^rd hitch up)
An extra Long bus journey (sleep rocks)… and …. Steam erupts from our bus as we alight…. It just broke down…
-
One is bought to a realisation of the faithfulness of God… and His providence
-
lol
Ah Jarn Song Sri still remembers me lol
a rather more subdued… welcome dinner… somehow… KKCS wasn’t what it was 1.5 years ago
-
to the first timers… Thai hospitality was fantastic… to others like Garreth thought it was less than usual…
-
perhaps, there more that meets the eye…
-
perhaps, I wasn’t focused… enough… not that I was thinking of the usual stuff…
I sort of resolved not to(or avoid doing so) during the trip…. A sort of “thought fast” if you get what I mean, I’m not fasting of food…
-
prayer meeting… Garreth… sorting out other stuff… meeting with Charles
“somehow… there is some things among us that needs to be surrendered to God”(‘neth)
-
DAY 2:
-
church visitations… I went over to some Nam **** church( I dunno some weird thai… I know the first word means water)
-
the pastor was friendly and stuff… the worship was good (the church seems to have a more charismatic Pentecostal background)
interesting message about holiness and God’s perfection by an Ang Moh missionary…
-
and networking after that… hmm interesting…
-
HIV Orphanage visit…
-
the kids were really happy in a sense when they played with us… and stuff… memories of Phuket WOW with my classmates resurface as we played catching and all manner of wild games with them…. Child-like faith… as Petrina put it during group debrief later… somehow… we were blessed by them more than we blessed them
-
and dinner later … some steamboat/teppanyaki stuff…  lol in groups… we had 2 tables for our group…. My table however was a bit… imba…
-
We had
Mr Wesley Cheong( still okay)
John Tay ( omg… the monster eater)
Petrina  (the biggest eater among the girl primers)
me(heh… I have a pretty good appetite)
-
Hmm we ended up way faster than the other table.... lol... when Mr Ng ordered extra beef we koped most of it... later we ended up koping vegs fromt the other table too
and this is what we get lol:

-

haha

---

But on a more sober mode

Seek the LORD while He may be found, Call upon Him while He is near. (Isaiah 55:6)

I need to get my focus right... and Lord... open my eyes to see You... I want to see You glorified above all...

-

help us to seek you with all our heart...

and internet starts failing me at this point... boo hoo

Oceans will Part

...When I'm blind to my way.

There Your spirit will pray

...As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand

In my life Your will be done

-

Cause all I need is You.... all I need is You Lord , is You Lord

I need peace and rest from this....

and my heart will find rest

I'll delight in Your ways....

as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand...

 

yet perhaps, running away from the battle... is not the best solution... stand firm and fight

---

i guess... have fun and enjoy yourself

-

I guess... for me... 

Seek the LORD while He may be found; call on him while He is near.(Issiah 55:6)

Inside out

Its not about outwardly shows of faith....

Its about a heart consecrated to God

-

Its not about how successful ones ministry is in terms of numbers...

Its about how closely one's ministry does God's will

-

Its not about oneself getting rich and prosperous

its about God being glorified....

-

its not about how much prepartion we do

its about the amount of prayer we do

---

-

Its not about how mersmerising a persons face can be...outward beauty

its about the charector and personality of the person... inner beauty

-

its not about how much you can gain from loving a person

its about how much you can give to the person

-

its not about the physical intimacy in a relationship

its about communication, emotional and spiritual support...  

-

---

-

its not about us

its about Jesus

---

and do help us always keep that in mind... even as we go forth unto the mission field... for the team...

-

and i really dunno... why bother with the second segment of this post... like it matters for me anyway... or does it?

---

SGB on friday... it was a weird day.... saluting a prime minister as he walked pass without anknowledgement... being secuity guards in a security guard-like uniform... watching from a distance... 2 small malay kids holding hands with a primer... a mdm hamimah... news of a brain hamoragic stroke of an SGB benificory

-

and painfully... a cold attitude... sighz... why do i always end up making people annoyed?

-

and recording with a small group of tim wes and dan until past midnight...

-

and intentionally trying to make a worship leader feel bad... for swapping me out rather last minute... in exchange for a "friend from Hillsongs"  

apparently a hillsongs person definately plays better than a church keyboardist... which evidently wasnt true... 

-

and more... to wonder...  and wish....

and dreams... not nightmares... but... dreams again...

-

I wish I could just stay focused.... granted... a period of time away from msn and other distractions.... I hope.... that with that... I could properly seek God... and discern His will...

-

---

and EE ToK with 0% progress with backlog homework from last term... professional procrastination...

sighz.... 

-

Your will above all else

my purpose remains... ... ...

Personality: Sanguine Choleric

ESFP

http://www.oneishy.com/personality/results/2322ec884

Personality / Temperament for Emil

Test taken on November 29th 2007

Personality: Sanguine Choleric

Melancholy  Strength:6 Weakness:3 23% Read more about Melancholy Strengths Read more about Melancholy Weaknesses Phlegmatic  Strength:4 Weakness:1 13% Read more about Phlegmatic Strengths Read more about Phlegmatic Weaknesses

Sanguine  Strength:7 Weakness:9 40% Read more about Sanguine Strengths Read more about Sanguine Weaknesses Choleric  Strength:3 Weakness:7 25% Read more about Choleric Strengths Read more about Choleric Weaknesses

 

lol

haha... kenneth has influenced me into taking perosonality test

and finding out what a weird person i am haha

-

in a  sense 

I'm too balanced...not charming enough a Sanguine, not powerful enough a Choleric, 

heh

-

compared to the 50%+ people with definate personalities

-

and

Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving 

-

haha

and this shall go under one of pages links

:)

Joshua 1:9

I remember... ever so long ago, Tim telling me this verse... 

the TA2 camp CE ic of me...  march 2006

after disappointments, after much.... even so... i still wasn't say the most mature christian at that point... I guess.... since then , I've grown much

-

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

(Joshua 1:9)(NASB)

-

I know... yet I dunno... I dunno if what is going on inside my head is from You...  

-

As Sam Lee was sharing in church last sunday... not much hit me...

-

then the phone convo... and again.. it struck me

-

and more... yet the context... for different people... I wonder.. can one verse mean two completely different things to 2 different people?

-

I guess... since the afternoon of monday... and poof...

-

the list of people I normally talk to on msn... the 5 people... and 3 of them are gone... 

-

left Dan and Hannah... and I guess... maybe maple.. haha... yet...

computer games have lost their meaning... since feb this year... or maybe even jan

-

and maple... i cant exactly play together with other people i know.... the noob of me being only level 15 while the rest around 30+ to 45.... I havnt played since december last year, when Hannah introduced me to that game... haha... remembering Han An cursing at me because i didnt want to play DotA.

-

I really dunno... heh... Charles forcing me to list out the things that are bothering me, while scolding me... pfff

and adding on stuff I wouldnt say... admiting it would kill me

---

-3 words... i dont want to say them... 

I dunno, what if... what I thought was from God... isn't from God

-

"there are alot of better things you could do, talk to someone about Christ"

the problem is... i dont know... what to say

SY... I've been very open to him... comparitively... I wish that... he would know Jesus... 

-

the Christian walk... a walk of trial, suffering, sorrow....

-

but a walk with peace, joy and hope... life doesnt go around a loop of suffering, of dukkha and stuff

-

but there is an end.... eternal Life of joy and peace... of Love...

-

or a life... of eternal suffering...., eternal death... in that place known as Hell

-

---

ET

-

maybe... 

-

but I'm so tired... I can't take much anymore

---

Purine.... 

-Purple

I wish... and I dunno how much from God that wish is...

-wishes... are they in God's plan

I dunno how it works out either way... confusing...

-

...wish upon a star...

---

I wish... You would take  me into the place... when all I can see is You... have peace...

 -

I want You, I need You.... only You can satisfy....

sighz

I need to do my Qt.....

trials, tests, tears, torn, T_T

It breaks my heart.. as i remember, the phone call... the 58 min long one... when 

crying... tears...  and i shed them too

-

i always wonder... i think God already told me what to do from the start, around mid-year, yet it goes against all that i always thought was sane, rational, and against the whole establishment of what is deemed ethical by the authorities... I read in the book "Who says I have no Choice" which was passed to me by one of my CG members who went overseas... about the clocktower revival, the guy who tried raising his dead classmate, his life testimony... trusting in God... even when it seemed foolish and riddiculus

-

yet... cautions, and warnings, examples, and more... touch the kettle and know that is hot....

and to see my dear brother in christ, who always been there for me... and I wonder again,

-

And I am afraid, what if what I thought was from God was just me and my emotions? 

yet perhaps, "wait" was just a figment of my imagination,

-or maybe what i think I hear now is?

while the whole lot of you all at MCYC, I regret... i wish i didnt pull out of it... now... my presidents is screwed... I have no time for 5 day SGB....

and it had to slip off my mind about the NYAA Gold residential project...  I forgot... maybe that's a good thing?

-

oh well sighz

-

and recording project.. you guys are banking that i can get the studio anytime I want... I really cant guarentee, I already did a lot of begging... I really need you guys down, I have no time.... please....

-

but sighz

commitments... i screwed up my choir commitment even more... gave up a competition and more...

-

cant even miss 1 training session? one only

-

and people's violin lessons and more... 

-

i cannot dictate people's commitments, but i really hope you all can help me...

-

and people say i'm being selfish... I really dunno, why? 

its really sucky... mum says I'm selfish, other people say I'm selfish... 

and what i sacrifice.. and stuff i do... but... I shouldn't seek acknowledgment by men after all... 

-

But when you give ... ... so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.

Matthew 6:3-4

-

I really tired of being nice and giving leeway to people, of turning the other cheek, of so many things

-

and when the feelings that are bottled up, explode, agitation... and I get scolded...

-

sighz

why...

-

you really don't understand me... you don't at all...

Cry of my heart

From the Inside out

-

...A thousand times I failed, 

Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

I'm caught in Your grace....

-

...Your will above all else

my purpose remains

the art of losing myself

In giving You praise...

-

My heart and my soul,

I give You control

Consume me from the Inside out

let justice and praise

become my embrace

to love You from the inside out

-

Everlasting , Your light will shine when all else fades

Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart

is to give you praise 

from the inside out Lord my soul crys out

-

---

perhaps, before we sing this song again, lets reflect upon what it means

-

Faithfulness and the grace of God

Surrender

Love him from the inside out

-

surrender... I know... a hard thing to grasp... yet all of us need to do that... yet we need not fear... God is faithful, God will give us the grace...

-

Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

-

from the inside out... the change of heart first.... not just the outward

-

yet I wish... we wouldnt sing songs without knowing what it means...

-

After a 58min phone converation, ( owww my mum is going to kill me)

for you... i pray, be strong and courageous, have faith.... and hold fast to God... 

-

perhaps... the cautions are to be heeded

but again... trust Me... and the rest... what I hear... God will not let us fall away... I know that...

-

perhaps, trust... My sheep hear My voice...

-

I wish things were less confusing...

Choices (part 2)

heh

the the book Tim passed to me, Choices...

regarding relationships and stuff... 

-

I guess.... I heard complains about the primers challenge post.... okay I admit... while this blog is blatantly open about my thoughts, emotions and views... I know... perhaps I was exaggerating... perhaps I was being condescending...

-

however... the truth, is that, relationships built upon the physical, the sensual, do not last... the physical smokescreen fades...  and you realise... you dont know the other person at all...

I dunno... the truth.... may hurt...  or maybe? I dunno... best not to cite examples... or people are going to kill me or something

hmm.... perhaps an innocence example... Matthew was sharing... about stuff... the other time... a relationship not built upon friendship... 

-

rather a relationship built upon inner beauty, an appreciation of the person for who he or she is, and the acceptance of the faults, and flaws each person has... will last...

-

foundation...

ground breaking? I remember a previous post... 

-

In a conversation with Hannah:

"anyway 

outside appearance, material physical stuff 

in the end dont matter 

the heart is more impt , for a friend"

-

and that's what I firmly believe in... whether for any form of relationships, the heart is more important...

-

the heart counts the most... Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."(1 Sam 16:7)

-

"as in it doesn't matter how well written it is... i suppose its the heart behind it that counts...."

-

the choice of friends or relationships ... they should be built upon the basis of the heart.... not of outward appearance, condition and stuff...

-

---

and finally

guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life(Proverbs 4:23)

and hold fast to God... in the book of Deuteronomy, the theme behind it

Love Him,walk in His ways,obey His commandments and hold fast to Him

---

pff

today was tiring....

trying to be in 4 different places in one go is crazy

1. missions training in school

2. Church prac and BOTS

3. BBHQ BBQ( primer's challenge reunion)

4. Choir Dinner @ Suntec NUSS

-

and it gets worst when poison is around... 

why cant you love God.... and Love thy neighbor.... God doesn't desire us to be disunited... 

-

and even... can't even be nice enough to lead worship with me for God

-

not for my sake, for God's sake and your sake... I don't lose anything by you being mean to me... but you lose out....why dont you realise that?

-

I care for you as a concerned brother in Christ... yet

1 John 4:7-21

-

the verse which is always quoted... but usually only the second part.... :

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8 

-

I admit... I do have problems sometimes... the thing about it... esp if other people make it hard for me to love them... yet God loves them... so we need to love them...

-

Give us grace to do so... Lord...

Lamentations

In moments of utmost grief and suffering, in the bible, and you see how, even through the pain... there is still this declaration of faith:

-

The Steadfast Love of the LORD never ceases, 

His mercies never come to an end, 

they are new every morning, 

great is Your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion" says my soul

"therefore I will hope in Him"

(Lamentations 3: 22-24)(NRSV)

-

and beyond that:

"the LORD is good to those who wait for Him,

to the soul that seeks Him"

(Lamentations 3:25)(NRSV)

-

---

why does the Lord allow us to be tested and to be troubled.... to suffer?

-

I realised... so many times, like a sheep gone astray,... stumbling and losing my way....

and God allows stuff to happen to us

yet in such circumtances, we clinge on to Him more

-

Though we may not understand

Why some things may happen to us

Still we learn to have faith

and we continue to praise

-

I called on Your name O LORD,

From the depths of the pit;

You heard my plea,"Do not close Your ear to my  cry for help, but give me relief

You came near when I called on You, 

You said "Do not fear"

You have taken up my cause, O LORD,

You have redeemed  my life.

(Lamentations 3:55-58)(NRSV)

-

and a fact that God does afflict us, it not some happy, prosperity Gospel, which is a LIE, 

-

But God even though He may give us suffering, yet, He gives us the strenght to move on, the grace to pick us up, and carry us through the tough times...

-

there are so many times this few weeks when I felt so confused, so lost...

-

there are times when I realised I compromised the time spent with God... and felt so dry after that....

-

yet God is faithful... this I believe... and  God knows what is best....

-

so help me surrender my heart, my will into Your hands...

-

God everlasting

God Everlasting

Verse 1 :

A thousand days in this world

Could never compare

To a day in Your presence

A day close in Your embrace

The storms and pains in this world

Can never pull away

Your Love that’s in Christ Jesus

Your Grace so amazing

Chorus:

Cause You are the God Everlasting

And You Forever Reign (x2)

So let me know

That You are in control

So hear my cry

And fill my life

Verse 2:

Lord I come before You

Broken at Your feet

Lord I’m just so sorry

For the times I strayed away

And Lord I just want You

To reign in my life

And Lord I just want to

Love You with all my heart

Outro:

And when all else fails

I still know that You reign

And when all else fades

I still will bless Your name

---

Inspiration from various parts of the bible:

Issiah 40:28; ; Job 1:21b ; Psalms 84:10 ; Romans 8:38-39;

-

Quote:

"oh well, I wrote most of my songs when i was feeling down,to tell you the truth... "
"haha. think most songs are either written when happy or sad "
-

how true...  and thats where the most sincere songs, songs from the heart come from

and God is most glorified when ... we give him praise, even when we are in the worst condition to do so... "the Lord gave, the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21b)

-

and maybe i shdnt be so open in this blog...

ever wandering heart

Its easy to lose the way, to feel lost and burdened, and confused

I wish... somehow

-

is it mean that i didnt tell some people abt the project?

-

I'm supposed to involve everybody? for not doing that, not inviting evelyn, I'm mean to her?

but... I invited all of you'll personally , or got tim to do it...

-

somethings, I cant really do it over a mass email, whoever interested  sign up kind of thing

in a sense, i need to let you'll know the heart behind the project... and also... i guess

-

looking back:

-

russell was invited by XL's request,

asher came because wesley was in it, thanks for being around for us, even tho wes is a little busy

petrina technically came for CAS... but album design, I'll need someone to help chng... thanks for being around during the sessions...

-

I got tim to invite:

Amanda, Yang Jian, Fabriz, John,...

heh... i still rmb, reminding him time and again to remember to invite, almost nagging...

-

I guess through this project I restored a few friendships

i wish.... I dunno... shd I have invited eve?

-

---

"I don't like limes"

neither do I , ironically...

but oh well, i don't need to be immature and interpret it in that fashion... it was just a passing remark

-

hmm

do you think its better for both parties if i cut ?

but yet... i know i wont be seeing ... much in december...

lucky there's misson trip to occupy most of it

-

---

sighz... i dunno if ... the trigger points and stuff... do you know abt it, or is it mere coincidents

and the other time at holland... when tim, john and dan somehow was having fun teasing me... did you realise?

-

I dunno whether its worth talking to you directly abt this kind of stuff... it may or may not be good

-

and I don't want to scare you off again... 

---

Who am I

-

Who am I? 
That the Lord of all the earth, 
Would care to know my name, 
Would care to feel my hurt. 
Who am I? 
That the bright and morning star, 
Would choose to light the way, 
For my ever wandering heart. 

Not because of who I am. 
But because of what you've done. 
Not because of what I've done. 
But because of who you are. 

I am a flower quickly fading, 
Here today and gone tomorrow. 
A wave tossed in the ocean, 
A vapor in the wind. 
Still you hear me when I'm calling, 
Lord you catch me when I'm falling, 
And you told me who I am. 
I am yours. 
I am yours. 

Who am I? 
That the eyes that see my sin 
Would look on me with love 
And watch me rise again 
Who am I? 
That the voice that calm the sea, 
Would call out through the rain, 
And calm the storm in me. 

---

"through the good times and the bad, You are God alone!"

-

"nice quote my pm" says ....

---

sighz

-

I wish... i dunno, I'm lost

I wish it really was easy as saying "I just want to be friends" and leave out the "for now"

-

I'm being very selfish... why do I want things in a certain manner

-

---

you mean a lot to me.... but that shdnt be the way, that cannot be the way, God shd be first place in my heart, the first thought that comes to mind when I wake, the person I dream about, the person my mind wanders off to when my thoughts are free to roam

-

the fact that the songs... I was with you when you made the music, when you did the stuff...

I guess, tim was there also.... but... 

---

but strangely

Hannah gave quite good advice(along with teasing me for a fair bit):

"don't think so much lah"

"maybe just concentrate on reading God's word(:'"

-

same thing tim has been telling me for a long time... somemore coming from someone younger than me

-

but i dunno

from a girls perspective... ... I don't trust my own perception...

-

but eitherway, I havn't seen Hannah in church for a long time...

i dunno, find yourself a loner in church?  why would that be? you feel that people look down on you?

sighz

-

i dunno

Contemplative (relationships)

Extract from Charles Ng's Email, with a few parts highlighted (with my thoughts in green)

Dear All,

In my younger days (kindergarden), I used to form a Boys' clubs, an
amalgamation of various clans of hardy and warrior like Boys who were
bent on defending all that was free and fair from the barbie doll
wielding Girls who charged our ranks during recess time. Of course, as
in many battles, the lines between courage and foolhardy was thinned
and devastation ran amok ... at least until recess ended and battle
raged again the next day with truces forged over weekends. Through the
years, these Boys clubs became singles associations and their ranks
diminished as their members aged. Kindergarden always will be
Kindergarden and we will always grow up into discovering that we will
develop feelings for someone of the other camp. Treachery as I'd come
to discover was a total and reforming experience that no one was
absolved from.

And the fascination grows into an almost uncontrollable intensity when
we meet someone we first begin to fancy. Suddenly years of warfare and
hard drilled rationality is thrown into the spaces of invisibility and
we go Ga-Ga whenever someone passes by and Ha -Ha for no apparent
reason. And for the first time, we actually feel a pain throbbing in
the heart, wishing always to see and be with someone but when that
person appears, we become like Dr Ong's eagles, rooted to the ground,
expressionless and stony.(heh... lol, MSN versus real life)

To start, Let begin by saying that its not wrong feeling this way. We
stepped into a time when we discover that we want to be with someone
and to be wanted in return. It was in God's great design to show us
that the central part of our existance was to desire a deep,
fulfilling initmacy. Where being with someone gave all the reason to
existence.

But all that seems so idealistic when the road appears to be strewn
with so large a number of failed relationships. Remember, a failed
relationship does not mean that you are better able to love the next
time around (hmm... true), in fact, so often if we had a failed relationship, we
bring the baggage of the past into the next round. And thats unfair
for the other party. So don't easily buy the adage that we should try
being in a relationship to learn. But what happened? why did a
God-given desire go so wrong for so many?

Before that, lets understand this desire better. We are given this
desire because it exemplifies our greatest need - the need for
intimacy. All of human life finds meaning in relationships - not in
the vast swathes of money or the glitter of status, rather they are
found in friendships, family, fellowship and ultimately an eternity of
being with the Creator Himself. The danger is in elevating a human
relationship above being with Jesus Himself.

The problem, I guess, is that we've never placed a relationship into
perspective, that marriage at its very best, at its greatest, is only
but a mere shadow of being with Jesus. But sometimes, if we are honest
with ourselves, we must be thinking that after all these years of
worship services and bible studies, a relationship with someone of the
opposite gender seems more exciting and fulfilling. It really means we
got to know Jesus more. Listen to Him alot more and you know what, He
can satisfy a zillion times more than a BGR can, anytime, anyday!

So what happened? Its because many times we rush into a relationship
without praying and understanding what it a relationship means
biblically. its like driving a car without having gone through driving
school. So we hop on and learn as we go until the car crashes. We
haven't learnt to control our emotions and feelings properly. More
often than not, we are still too selfish, and partly thats why we want
to be in a relationship cause we want total and exclusive attention
from someone. We need to mature in love before we enter into a
relationship.

So what can we do if we start feeling the tinkling feelings of crushes?

1) Get a life! - don't be obsessed (Phil 4:8-9)*  (lol haha)

Really its as easy as stop thinking about it so much. Learn to
surrender every thought to the Lord. Think about wholesome stuff like
the cross or what we can do to bless our family today. And as the
verse tells us, peace will follow.

2) Don't be found in a place of temptation or don't tempt others!

Always try to avoid going out with someone of the opposite gender on a
one- to- one basis(hmm ... piano and stuff... oh well). Not unless you are willing to contemplate something in the longer term. If you must, go with a group of friends.If you are in a situation where you know that someone might like you
too, then you really got to avoid being a position where temptations
amount. Also if you know someone might have special feelings for you,
don't torment.(hmm ... I wonder what that means... " guard your heart"?) Its wise to avoid temptation and stumbling someone else.

3) Spend more time building friendships on both sides - but best
friends are for people from the same gender

You see it does not mean avoiding people from the opposite gender, its
about doing so wisely. Yet in your youth, spend time building
friendships for life. The danger is not doing so because of being in a
relationship and living the rest of our lives regretting having solid
pals alongside.

4) Learn to share and get wise advise (hmm ... I know... what ppl would tell me, I heard enough to know.... I've been talking to ppl like Tim/Glynn/Matthew but...)

You've got trusty officers around! Heeelllloooo! We're here and sit by
our phones (the one i just got) waiting for you folks to call.

Its important that we have friends who allow us to share honestly and
will hold our conversation in confidence. Its more important to find
these friends now than to be in a relationship.

(I cut off this part)

Thus I hope we may deal with relationships maturely. There are reasons
why we are adament that you should avoid being in one for now. its not
that being in one condemns you, but we don't want you to get hurt
needlessly(I know... there isn't a point being hurt). Have a good holidays. Try to learn about Jesus more.

With brotherly love

Charles Ng

---

while lunch with charles, and a few others. at the vietnamese noodle restaurant... and Charles was narrating that email to us all, I wasn't exactly paying attention... until I checked my email later on...

-

heh... (since when did I start using that word on sms/web lingo?) anyway, being as normal as can be... maybe letting off some stuff on tim... but... still...?

-

and Tim... it doesn't really help if you start interpreting everything as trigger points and announcing it to the whole world... what would she have felt? 

-

I know she knows... I'm thankful she's still willing to be friends and be nice... sighz... thats still part of the problem... part of the reason for the emotional issues, would be her character, the tendency to be friendly and such... 

-

but again, I'm not being very fair... she doesn't have to change her character to make me be normal...

-

anyway

charles talking abt what presents guys prefer...

heh he missed me out... thankfully... 

but chng/ john had to point that out... zzz

-

triggers?

crossing the road without bothering abt the cars.... doesn't that sound like me??

heh... :(

sighz 

-

it doesn't mean anything if ppl have similar habits(bad or good) and stuff... like the tendency to absentmindedly leave stuff behind... (like handphones) , short stature, dislike for pork, etc... the list can go on

-

even as Matthew shared about his former gf sharing same birthday date with him a month back... big deal it made... they broke up in the end..

-

---

emotional investments... I know... being overtly concerned for her welfare... seemingly always hanging around her everyday during the hols( even if its in a group)... or else MSN chats almost everyday?...

I try to cut sometimes... but its not working very well... or maybe the reason why i want to cut is a selfish one... =(

-

mixed signals... sighz... perception ... i don't trust it anymore... it tends to have biased based on the emotional status... rational  logic can also be affected by emotions... emotions can affect how one knows... stuff (lol ToK essay)

-

heh

wearing my emotions on my sleeves, its too easy to interpret me...

-

in the end... I might end up hurting myself... not very good...

-

I guess... it was painful enough in feb, and more painful during the time when she sort of avoided me...  and now...

-

I always talked of reconciliation... and true... I'm a lot better with XL(provided I don't trigger anything), and her...

-

that's something to be thankful for.... yet... one other person is left... Evelyn...

yet

i dunno

she seems to have lost a lot of her friends... even hating Tim now???

-

there was a point of time she kept sticking to... ... ... during the exam period, was it to spite me?

and the comment the other time... ("she would be so mad" when I was carrying ... ... ...'s bag to wah chee)

-

I dunno, had i been any other person, I would probally just wash my hands off her... and basically "让她去死", tim... and more...

-

the 2 greatest commandments

"Love God wholeheartedly"

Love your neighbor as yourself...

-

 I wish it was possible to do that... 

a tendency to shun ppl, I also have that... darn seb yap...

-

I dunno

-

Guide of my Life... lol

XL's song.... which he refuses to anknowledge now...

-

but even so... we need Him to guide our lives... not us to grab on to it... but to surrender all to His perfect will

-

and I need to trust that He knows what's best.... sighz... was what I heard(or thought I heard) from God... way back then...

-

oh well

I guess

if anyone reads this, and doesn't feel comfortable abt it... heh... drop me an msn or something... 

-

I guess...  its the open diary for all to read... my life and my walk with God... how things been... for me to look back in the future and see how faithful God has been... I've seen the last year's posts... besides the rubbishy "random dumb stuff " ... I can see how God's been faithful... this blog is testimony to His faithfulness... 

-

heh at the same time some scandalous emo rubbish? i hope not... and I hope who ever reads this... would take it in a more positive light

-

"to know He is there through it all"

Uncourth or condesending

primers challenge.

-

wish you were there...

-

I guess... but its strange... how many primers from the other companys, how many of them actually know God?, Christians by name, no doubt, but, ...?

-

or am I being judgmental and condecending...

-

yet

"Bastard, Bastard, Bastard," during charades on a bus

a number of unwholesome language and talk...

and a couple making out publically on the bus..... gross...

-

cigerettes? for parents I assume...

-

hmm... sighz...

-

I don't want to be elitist and condencending, as if I'm any better than these " NSKs"

but I dunno

-

---

the events of each day in a nut shell

-

Day 1: 

-

A really long bus ride... got to know the fantastic bunch of ppl from grp D (my group) 

Asahi the classical guitar provided entertainment as well as some new nickname

" chen wei hong"??? who on earth is that?

-

saw a glimpse of the 2 jokers... talk about heavy petting,... gross... a few curious stares, but nothing more.... Ms Catherine closes 1 eye I assume...

-

Assaulted by bannana trees while we ,packed into an open top lorry like sardines, were transported to the camp site

-

"communal toilets"... eww

-

nice sleeping huts though

and I did the longest QT I've done in a while,

-

sleep

-

Day 2:

mini Fireac? poor turnout

-

socks and sandals, to keep the dressing on my foot... some people question about it, hehe, 

-

"looks like someone bit your foot"

-

Waterfall abyssing, heh... nothing much new, just abyssing with water splashing your feet..., and I raced down the waterfall,, haha, faster than the person before me.

-

outdoor cooking

hehe, sardines cooked with egg is nice...brought my own

-

rafting... swimming against a strong current is scary, nearly lost my brand new sandals...

but was quite fun, we didn't remain in our grps, we sort of reshuffled... Kenneth, Bong, Me on one side, while, 1 other girl, an officer and another guy on the other...

-

whee... was sort of fun i guess

-

talent time??? lol

collide was performed, with me the lead vocalist, the guitarist (with trusty Asahi) , and the grp D ppl acting like clowns behind me

-

Day 3:

mini Fireac again... but..

-

Caving.. the most muddy disgusting thign ever...

the rock formations were interesting though...

my touch got killed by the water..

luckily my camera survived...

IPOH

ipoh horfun is REALLY GOOD

shopping... but nothing much to buy.. wanted to buy shoes, but mum would murder... not a good idea

-

sleep... towpok.... and  the rest for a party

-

Day 4:

Bus journey back.... sat in full view of the gross couple.... and the charades... ended up rather put off....

"leave my friend alone" (lol my camera popped out...)

-

oh well... last day... doesn't really matter if I make enemies...

-

but the crude language was kinda...

sighz

-

---

-somehow... I wish you could have gone... you probally would have enjoyed it more...

oh well...

-

Pictures  can be found here : http://picasaweb.google.com/BB12thcoyPics/PrimerSChallenge

---

Album production... XL...

and stuff

"don't let you emotions get in the way of respecting XL"(Tim)

sighz

-

and stuff... which i cannot write here... but sighz...

-

i dunno how things are going to turn out...

with people and last minute stuff cropping up, ppl not free... and venting it out on poor tim

-

sighz... sorry... I shdn't do that... you probally are more stressed than me... and sighz

-

Give us Your grace to make this successful,

Retreat

so many times, these few weeks... time with God, time with people... how does one make sure God has more time?...

-

a retreat... a time to reflect... a time to spend more time with God....

-

yet, also more time with people? ... ... ... unexpected?

-

I guess...  

-

paranoia can lead one away from God... 

one wonder why wander alone somewhere in the school...  while others have corporate prayer

one wanders off himself

into an empty audi, around much of the school

except the bleachers and 'grand stands", which one goes to later for prayer with Charles and 7 others

unity... I guess... Lua & Chua... thanks

-

I guess I need to trust that God will take care... 

-

tumble over in the astroturf while diving after a ball... lol that was funny...  but a nice deep skin peel off resulted

-

irony... a good reason to give up ones place... wasn't that a secret wish?

but still going for primers challenge tmr... I guess... I don't want to make ppl feel bad abt it, plus it would be fun...

-

Cards till 4 am...

-

a tinge of guilt... 

why can't I spend that amount of time with God?

-

off an msn convo I had:

-

£ٱɱعɑɗe ... ... says (8:50 PM):

as in... if one really loves God... one would want to spend time with God... 

-

I guess how does one do that?

how does one make God the first thought that comes to mind when one wakes up?... that even one dreams of God... basically "eat, sleep, think, breathe" God

-

---

Guarding of one's heart...

-I need to guard my heart... I cannot invest too much of my emotions

yet easier said then done... :( 

-

"don't play with fire"(charles)

-

the red tape of P.R. 2 ...

I know I cannot cross it , and there probally isn't a possibility of that happening...

since its probally only a one side thing... the few months of daoing/avoiding shd have made it clear enough

-

the very most... good friends...

-

---

sighz....

-do I need to pull myself away forcefully again?

and if  someone reads this... sighz, this open "not so secret" diary of mine... I don't want to scare off again...

-yes I still like... but I respect the choice you make...

I wish...

-

Grow in God... "Love God wholeheartly"

-

and no matter what troubles may face you, He is there for you... 

-

17

I shall make this a quick post

-

I guess its been a happy-sad birthday... eitherway running around all over the place

-

thanksgiving

-

First and foremost to God , for 17 years, through the good and bad, You've been  there for me, even before i even knew You

-

classmates Jim and Joash, for msn happy bday wishes

-

Amanda G for the loudest "happy birthday emil!" I ever got in my life

-

Fab, Wesley, Adriel, Audrey, for birthday wishes

-

Tessa for the skunk

(I called it Evelyn lol, since boys stink according to you, the skunk stinks too lol, its cute though :) )

-

tim/dan for the secret garden album:)

-

Tim for being there for me throughout the day, the cake, the card, and the passing me the presents : )

-

Raphael, for talking and sharing again:), 

-

Mel ( CGL) for bday song:)

-

---

i dunno, today was so busy, ... no one really had the time to wish me happy bday, or even pass me presents(if any) today...., 

---

-I've been through all the adventure stuff before...  

Primer's challenge briefing...

-and if someone else is really keen on going,

abssling, rafting.. cave..

-i wish..., i don't mind giving up my own place? 

Paired up with 'neth in the same grp lol

-and plus it was unfair in the first place, to be kicked out...
memories of Khon kaen experiences
-its a stupid idea eitherway... sighz....

oh well sighz

-

and my mum enquires about whether the chocs i gave before(she unfortunately found out abt it), whether something had been given back...?

and scolding after that for apparrently wasting money...

-

but there are somethings that money, and material can't buy,

-

and one thing, is friendship, and I guess, that is the best birthday present i could ever get :)

-

thanks to all I guess...

Maybe

maybe... you shouldn't expect so much of people

maybe... there is a selfish part of you... that expects something

maybe... you need to suppress or put to death a part of you

maybe... you need to continue to surrender to His will

maybe... you need to give it more time...

-

eitherway... sighz

-

i dunno, I'm sorry... if I've been making people feel bad , if I've been irritating people, if I've been putting on a facade, if I've been scaring people off

-

if I've not trust You enough, if I've not depended on You for my joy and strength, if I've been depended on another source for satisfaction, Lord forgive me...

-

maybe, Lord, it just part of Your plan...

-

and yes, thank You for yesterday, for all the music and such

thank You for today, for giving me the opportunity to be nice to E.T., and hopefully patch things up sooner or later.

-

and somehow Lord, I just dunno, suppression of one part of myself... yet, its hard

-

yet I know Lord, I have to do that... ...

-

or maybe some things, even just a friendship that you treasure so much, are not meant to be...

-

I dunno

-

its so hard sometimes

-

---

maybe... the best thing to do... is just pray... and make up for the time which you missed yesterday... QT...

-

Maybe God is just telling me again... that He wants me back to Him.....

-

while yesterday's 930-11 and 230-4 at the SAC piano

3hours... at one of my favourite spots in the school,

-

Remembering a time when the damper pedal broke, and a sec 2 Emil dismantled the whole piano, amidst the laughter and jeering of the seniors(now Year6)

and Emil emerges triumphantly, the damper successfully repaired

-

and another 3 hours with Tim

-

yet you can't even give God a minute... alone with Him..

-

why?, an excuse that you're tired. there's Chinese B exam tmr, you need to sleep?

-

---

while the festivities carry on outside, a supposed early celebration of birthday... I guess...

-

what an irony, the birthday boy is stuck in his room emoing at his comp...

-

sighz...

-would tmr be sad or happy? 

I wonder