trials, tests, tears, torn, T_T

It breaks my heart.. as i remember, the phone call... the 58 min long one... when 

crying... tears...  and i shed them too

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i always wonder... i think God already told me what to do from the start, around mid-year, yet it goes against all that i always thought was sane, rational, and against the whole establishment of what is deemed ethical by the authorities... I read in the book "Who says I have no Choice" which was passed to me by one of my CG members who went overseas... about the clocktower revival, the guy who tried raising his dead classmate, his life testimony... trusting in God... even when it seemed foolish and riddiculus

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yet... cautions, and warnings, examples, and more... touch the kettle and know that is hot....

and to see my dear brother in christ, who always been there for me... and I wonder again,

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And I am afraid, what if what I thought was from God was just me and my emotions? 

yet perhaps, "wait" was just a figment of my imagination,

-or maybe what i think I hear now is?

while the whole lot of you all at MCYC, I regret... i wish i didnt pull out of it... now... my presidents is screwed... I have no time for 5 day SGB....

and it had to slip off my mind about the NYAA Gold residential project...  I forgot... maybe that's a good thing?

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oh well sighz

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and recording project.. you guys are banking that i can get the studio anytime I want... I really cant guarentee, I already did a lot of begging... I really need you guys down, I have no time.... please....

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but sighz

commitments... i screwed up my choir commitment even more... gave up a competition and more...

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cant even miss 1 training session? one only

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and people's violin lessons and more... 

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i cannot dictate people's commitments, but i really hope you all can help me...

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and people say i'm being selfish... I really dunno, why? 

its really sucky... mum says I'm selfish, other people say I'm selfish... 

and what i sacrifice.. and stuff i do... but... I shouldn't seek acknowledgment by men after all... 

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But when you give ... ... so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.

Matthew 6:3-4

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I really tired of being nice and giving leeway to people, of turning the other cheek, of so many things

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and when the feelings that are bottled up, explode, agitation... and I get scolded...

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sighz

why...

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you really don't understand me... you don't at all...