(second post today)
while a break of exams for 1 day, yet, still going to school tmr...
and going super early at that, with a certain morning shift of my mum...
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For what purpose?
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to study, FireAC? or to be with friends, in particular a few like Tim XL and ...?
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I would daresay mostly the latter, with being so lonely during the holidays, for a first time,
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DotA, a predominant occupation of the past few holidays, has lost its meaning? What the point of controlling 1 charector with a mouse and clicking wildly, and exchanging swearwords with strangers? Trying to get a " Beyond Godlike Holy shit streak" ?
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And the consistent starring at the msn contact list, wishing that certain people would either remove the stop signs from their statuses(Busy) , or initiate a convo... ... other than a short conversation on the sunday evening before the exams, I've never messaged anyone with busy status, knowing well behind the red and white tape, there is a person probably (Busy) studying for exams of all sorts
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an attempting to do some studying myself, yet, the emotions and feelings keep calling out for my attention.
and the brutal shoving of them to the back of my mind yielded a strikeback later in my sleep...
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while seeing most if not all of the FireAC leaders Fired-up and ready for action...thanks to Kenneth's encouragement... Fab and others, all ready to see and let God move.
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while for me, a 2 sided facade, the crazy me who starts shrieking and shouting after the end of a chem exam to the quizzed look of JC and Cielo, the crazy me who giggles after the end of a Chinese B paper, and yes, the crazy me with a passion to see God move
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and the other side, the side so weak and emotional and so... utterly lost and confused... and lonely,
A side I experienced today early in the morning, and seeing the old jealousy come back, scolding myself for it, and leaning against my guitar against the wall and feeling miserable about it.
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Am I relying too much on my own strength? To put up this apparent show of passionate zeal?
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yet it is God's strength only that sees me through the other side, an utter dependence on God to see me through the times when I feel so inadequate
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and it is His Grace that has seem me through 3 papers, halfway through to the end.
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Remembering in Koinonia ,from that very boarding sch hall where I sat doing my papers
Your Grace is Enough...
Is it wrong to be jealous and hate?
Yes you know its wrong,
You remembered, "Love your neighbor" earlier when XL...
But you can also remember what Jesus taught "Love your enemy"
Can you show love to those I love, even though he does not acknowledge Me?
Lord it's so hard....
My Grace is Sufficient for you .
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