one more day...

“you should really focus on your coming papers”

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Well another friend probed and I told her a bit of the story

but it was kinda weird because a little over half a year ago I was being stirred to death about her by my hall people

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But I’m really thankful I still have her as a good friend. There was a point of time I felt as if people made it seem as if I was poisonous and something dirty, something no one will ever want to be associated with.

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And I was questioning myself too. But I figured after a while it wasn’t the right thing to do anyway… the closest I ever came to the question was asking what she felt about the whole stir shit nonsense. She just told me to ignore it. Good advice.

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If I did attempt to initiate something then, it would have been simply been a shallow, selfish way of boosting my self-worth… Which isn’t found in having a romantic partner, but a relationship with God. And satisfaction is not found in human love but the love that God gives…

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I woke up today, and thought perhaps it’s be a day spent mugging up whatever was left. Felt much better after dying yesterday.
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Then I got a call.

Then I made a 2 hour diversion away from my study schedule…

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I was scolding myself and engaging in counterfactual thinking the whole time:

“Emil, you got your priorities all wrong...”

“There is a HSS FAL to print stuff, you didn’t have to do it”
“You could have just passed the printed stuff and let it be”
“You have an exam tomorrow, you need to study ”

Well evidently I didn’t care about myself, or my exam at all. I probably qualify for some form of delusional disorder or mental illness it seems… ‘Dysfunction“

I hope I’m not being taken for granted… sigh..

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“…love as Christ loved the church… ”(Eph 5:25)

Although the idea of being able to emulate the kind of love God gave us, that is, a self-sacrificial unconditional love seems like a nice thing to work towards.

But it’s damn bloody hard. How do you love without expecting reciprocation and something in return? Even my social psychology textbook tries to redefine altruistic behaviour as non-existent and operating on a utilitarian or ethical egoistic principles.

Sigh… if Jesus was indeed fully human, it must have been really painful to be led like a lamb to the slaughter, and die while being mocked and insulted.