For now (:
I realise that being bogged down with this unsettling feeling of not having studied enough really makes it hard to chase off depressive thoughts
That being said. Since exams are over I really felt much better. Although I can’t say I’m in a good mood, but at least I have one less thing to worry about
Tim used to tell me sadness is a contagious thing. And I think it’s true. Like when we see other people sad and unhappy, especially if they are people you care about , you feel all the more sadder. And it sucks because I really want to find a way to cheer people up, but I can’t because I’m bogged down with my own issues myself. And it’s not as simple as “Emil likes someone that doesn’t like him back” therefore I’m sad. I’d be kinda immature if that’s the reason. I know some people have somehow jumped to that conclusion, or maybe I think so. But it’s not true.
Maybe it’s like sometimes I question my motives; a little too much. I sometimes feel ashamed of the stuff I do, the way I think, and the decisions I make. Like I tell myself that I’m only going to trust God to provide for me, and I want to simply be a person who encourages others, to build them up in their walk with God. But sometimes I feel as if I end up stumbling others, or I end up being so self-absorbed and selfish. I know it’s all part of the sinful human nature to be like that, but that’s not what sometime I want to be. And thats why when Roger spoke to me in September about what was going on, I felt really bad. It wasn’t intentional.
I remember one of the things I said while we were having ramen that time in JP, was that I don’t believe in rushing into relationships. Some things are not meant to be, and forcing a way into it against God’s will only lead to hurt and pain. Oh course I do have my ideals and expectations of what a relationship should be. Like I always believed that it should work towards something long term, and it should be one of building each other up to strive towards loving God more. And it should be real, the christian life is no bed of roses. We sin, we fall short of God’s perfect standard, and we sometimes let our emotions get the better of us. But after all, isn’t it all part of the beauty of God’s love? Despite our shortcomings and failures, God looks past them in His perfect love. And that love is so much greater, so much more wonderful than any flawed human love can fufill.
Emotions are really what makes us human. Sometimes we get upset at ourselves for being upset over things we shouldn’t get upset at. And maybe we wish we never had these feelings in the first place. But imagine for one moment we don’t have emotions? Like the many sufferers of schizophrenia and those with brain damage. Life would be so much less rich, less meaningful and we are essentially robbed of what essentially makes us human. God gave us emotions, for us to experience life the way He intended it to.
So at least this marks what I hope is the end of the long chain of self-obsessed posts on my blog. I want this to be a place where I can look back and be encouraged of what I’ve been through in the past, and how God has been there for me. And I also want this place to be a place of encouragement to others too.
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