Eating the Christmas cookies before they turn bad

No matter how nice its looks
eventually it has to go, before it turns bad, unfortunately..
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ah well =(
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wish I could... keep ... forever
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but eventually, everything has to be let go off, into the hands of God
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so it is with my thoughts and emotions...
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sighs...
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only He knows...

How do you detach?

i was peering through some bunch of papers my sister left on the table while going to buy food
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other than the first part that was blasting Martin Luther (it was a Catholic Article)
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it was talking about “holy detachment”
The idea of not being attached to anyone or anything
other than God
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sighs...
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its easy to put up a front, a facade
but its difficult to change the heart
-
no matter how much you can pretend that you don’t care anymore
it still comes back...

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i was at an officer’s retreat
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try to teach a bassist how to play guitar
“most bassist cant play guitar, but most guitarist can play bass” ( i was just mentioning an observation)
“she can!!!”
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sometimes I do feel left out
its like I’m just tagging along the group
and not really part of it
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I shd learn not to procrastinate

Especially with regard to Christmas cards...
bleh...
learnt the hard way that Crayons don’t go very well with cards...
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all in a nights work...
after
ruining a card with the crayons(my black marker ran out of ink, so I substituted a black crayon, which turned out to be a disaster)
and
finishing a nicely done card(the first one in the picture), was too tired to make more...
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so Leemin and Tim will have to make do with simple notes, sorry =(

When hope came down on Christmas day

long lay the world in sin and error pinning
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth
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I never understood
how people could substitute the true glorious hope that was found when Jesus came down on earth to bring eternal life to us
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for a mere cheap santa claus/gifts/feasting/merrymaking as a mascot or representative of Christmas
or worse, a festival of drunkenness called X’mas
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Christ is the reason for Christmas
not a merry Christmas
but a blessed one
because God came down on earth
as man
to make a way for men to come to Him
so that He may be glorified
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may Christ be the centre of it all, in Christmas
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2 days to a year since i walked down that road
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I know... maybe I’ve known
that things haven’t really changed much
I’ve found out more and learnt more
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if one is better than the other
apparently even my mum thinks that way too
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after mentions of a derogative word used to describe someone
sighs... like Zhuo’er said, it can really hurt
and I guess I don’t want to be hurt
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I know there are so many differences
so I guess... maybe I really should let go...
perhaps, you’d be happier if I did that also...
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or I’ll just wait and see
it works that way too...
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as God leads ...
like KK has shown... not everything is that certain I guess,
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only God promises
that His word will stand firm
and He will remain faithful...
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cities around

velo, ngee ann and vivo
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whatever it is
-
but sighs
i wonder if i should let go and move on, completely
-
you know like... its more a matter of
sometimes I remember what a friend of mine told me last year,
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knowing a person, it wont really work out right?
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i’ve been a complete idiot sometimes
like, how would anyone in their right mind...
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like what i’ve seen
but sometimes i wonder how God works in all these...

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maybe its because I always seem to be tagging along
-
seeing stuff
and feeling sad, perhaps to the extent of jealousy
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and maybe saying it all doesn’t matter after that
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its easy to get one’s own way in everything
simply be determined about it, eventually you’ll get what you want,
like water beating down a rock and eventually eroding it down
-
i wonder if everything works that way
-
but simply put
I really don’t want to make the same mistake I made
-
not unless God says so...

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yeah
maybe Tim’s right
-
wondering why cant we be like everyone else, be interested in the stuff people are interested in
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but God is enough, and we should fix our eyes on what’s unseen, not what we see...

HK day5 / back home

i see my mum has been doing her relentless “tidying up” of my room
at the expense of messing up my corner shelf with all the stuff that are precious to me
nearly lost a heart someone gave to me during v’day this year
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you know... back to reality...
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it was a pity we couldn’t meet Petrina before we left(due to her dead phone), so it looks like it’ll be only till christmas then
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anyway the first lot of Facebook photos:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=67811&l=6fe77&id=694711676
enjoy... and help me tag =p

Split Personality

^{HK day 4}
I think i have that
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on one hand
i’m really being an idiotic ass... by having a rather don’t care selfish attitude
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on the other hand, i cant stop myself from wanting to be nice
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so it leads to being a very weird mix up
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nasty nice

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anyway Petrina couldn’t join us today, which was quite sian
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meeting her for a short while to pass stuff she left behind, which included her camera charger and...
...ahem, some stuff
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meeting her at the MTR station, she’s looking at the food package she just passed to me, lol:
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night market shopping was really fun though
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other pictures today:

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when you wish upon a star

^{HK day 3}
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Disneyland

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makes me feel happy again
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the kind of stuff that lets children have happy childhoods

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somehow
I’ve resigned for now
not going to bother
-
selfish maybe
but I simply cannot, let myself be affected by stupid things
-

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When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true
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if dreams really did come true
the reality of it all
-
like destroying cynicism that comes with everything
-
if the magic we know
that real snow came from the heavens
that everything you see is not an illusion but real magic
-
and that what is seen is temporal
but what is unseen is eternal
-
and that Love is the greatest magic of all
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sighs
I wish...
after what happened this year
-
at least both of you understand
or know how it feels
to see it happening all the time
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Some Pictures(the rest in FB later):
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Festival walk

HK day 2
what it seemed like
-
I dunno
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I asked myself
why am I so selfish
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its really painful
to think in a way
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then force myself to not think that way
and feel miserable about it after that

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its become like a modified KK dec 07
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me sticking around with PC a lot
because it makes me feel better and all that.
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haha like the stupid things with buying/wearing pink socks and the lot
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and the mad shopping around temple street and ladies street

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anyway
a few random shots:
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Tim took us at the Tsim Sha Tsui MTR station
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at the Haborfront at HK Museum

Starbucks at Tsim Sha Tsui


Sports shop at Habourcity
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Facebook photos will be done later =)
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meeting into a bunch of Christian mission workers in HK
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sort of cool i guess
that we can always find fellow believers around the world

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Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
(1 Cor 13:4-7)
teach me to love Lord...

HK day 1

after what it seems to be sort of a nice long trip to Macau and then transiting to HK
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its seems like only yesterday(in reality 4 years ago) when I visited HK roughly around the same time period
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same porridge and chee chong fun store
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same insanely crowded MTR
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eitherways... a few messups, FORGOT to take my camera charger
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which meant I’m left with a camera with limited life
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should be able to last these few days i guess

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seeing Petrina again =)
haha quite fun
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and the absence of Kenneth, would on one hand grant a certain measure of freedom, albeit with less decisiveness
-
although it was really freaky being lectured by his mum in regard to teenage sex and the not
sadly...
but at least I know it wasn’t that... so it was just speculation
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although I again found out a reason.
at least i know now
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Portuguese Egg tarts from Macao (we made a detour to get it, but it was worth it)
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bumping into Wesley at Macao
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Internet NOT working =.= (so this will be published late)
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The grass withers, the flower fades
when the breathe of the Lord blows on in;
surely the people are like grass
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The grass withers, the flower fades
but the Word of our God shall stand forever
(Isa 40: 8)
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"be a good boy"

and “ a good girl“
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so weird...
why is her mum telling me that ...
like I’m prone to being naughty ...,
or some other reason...
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the dinner was nice though =)

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anyway =)
getting my specs knocked off accidentally lol
my mum and stuff
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although the point is valid, and perhaps true =.= ...
its seems like some sort of ”like“ thing for the 1:5 ratio...
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and i got Evelyn’s present , its really nice =)

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HK tmr YAY =))
I better go sleep
hehe =)

Truth

maybe I’ve been blind
or maybe... its just speculation
-
in some sense
maybe i shouldn’t...
-
“deception is a sin”
-
sometimes
you know, i really thought so
but again,
the terms of it are kind of weird
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simply put
maybe...
-
Godly character is hard to come by
Godly character is not the same as personality
-
sometimes
I wish
things had worked out the way they should have
-
maybe i wont be that grieved about stuff
if i had really let go of everything...
and moved on
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God
is what I know about You really true
what do You want to show me?
-
for all have sinned
and fallen short
of the glory of God
-
wretched sinners in the hands of an angry God
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perhaps
one day
-
we will come back to Him
into His love
mercy
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sighz
-
I need to
come in tune with God again
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I need to
be less selfish in my prayers
-
its not about what i want
but that He is glorified

Bleeding knuckles

wonder if that’s familiar to you...
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Don’t bother asking why...

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sometimes I want to just be selfish
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sometimes... denying self can be the hardest thing to do
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but how can we say we love God
if we cannot love one another?
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Zion Road

I’ve known you since you were sec 1, as one of the first few i known then...
had been praying for you, talking to you, caring for you, being a friend...
-
yet, since when did you have a right to comment about the way I manage my stuff?
especially since you have no idea what’s going on...
-
Or for that matter... other stuff as well
-
treating me like dirt
-
sighs
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I feel rather... disappointed
and betrayed...
-
like sometimes things aren’t fair
-
when I’m being nice or trying to be nice
sometimes, people just don’t appreciate it
-
and when I’m not that nice, that’s another story
instantly attack, and pick on me
emil is always the bad guy, everything is his fault...
-
I’m sick of hearing “its okay” from someone
as if people thought i was some savage who would rip someone into shreds if left alone with that person
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at least you can get to spend some time alone with him,
who at least still genuinely cares for you, and will listen
-
yet you emotionally blackmail him instead...
-
do you have a conscience
after hurting all the people i care for...
and hurting me?
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do you have a right to be angry with me
for being practical?
-
after all Tim technically was around, he wrote part of that song...
-
and also with you deciding not to be free that day
after I had booked everything, after informing you LONG ago...
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I wish you would be less petty about it...

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sighs
-
walking down that road again...
-
only love can lead me on...
because love covers a multitude of sins
-
and love cannot abide
when there is resentment
-
learning how to love
when its not easy to do so...
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Above All

maintain constant love for one another
for Love covers a multitude of sins
(1 Peter 4:8)

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talking about it
it’s hard to Love
when love isn’t appreciated
when love gets taken advantage of
when love isn’t reciprocated in the same way
-
but love... still is the greatest...
for love covers a multitude of sins...
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maybe it was strange
saying that someone needed to learn to let go
and talking about love
-
but eitherway
love God, love His rag-dolls (Love beyond Reason)
-
I remembered that... more than a year ago
and love, God’s love, has seen me through everything since then...

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on a side note... installing XP SP3 is a REAL PAIN
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took me like 12 hours plus
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Kenneth, you owe me a treat...

TnT

of a difficult sort..
a rather unstable explosive chemical
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I was talking to David
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“if you really love a person, you would want to show it by respecting the person, by giving the person space... if he/she needs it”
-
“you wouldn’t want to hurt the person...”
-
“possessiveness is not the same as love”
-
Basically
“how do you care without caring too much?”
is the question, that needs to be answered
-
but sighs
its so weird
how much hurt can a person take?
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and I respect your choices...
although some of them might hurt me,
and I might not approve of them
as long as you keep close to God, never forget Him, and glorify Him
then I’m okay...
-
because love is not self-seeking,
we all need to learn that...
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Eitherway,
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today I felt more appreciated,
Thanks =)
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glad you enjoyed yourself... =D

A breath of fresh air

which was what today was, at Downtown East
hanging around the Y5s girls/ officers
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instead of the usual crowd of Y6 BB ppl
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you all really made my day =)
Petrina, Zhuoer, Jayne, Feli, Shane, Mervyn, and the Y2s and officers
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an AFD
where I did not have to go through that stupid rollercoaster for once...
bliss...

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anyway a mad number of photos again, check out my Facebook profile to see them all, 5 albums in total
=)
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Photo Booth Pictures
The Penguin Pictures
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and finally passed Pet L her penguin present haha,
glad she liked it a lot =)

Taboo

I know these little things
they have a certain amount of intent in it
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seating in 7m FC and VC KPT

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maybe mum is right
maybe I’m being taken advantage of
“you’ll let me right?”
-
I’m too nice to people sometimes... esp. certain people... *ahem...
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anyway its your choice
how you might want to respond or react
-
I’ll just keep the status quo...
run through the mills of that familiar emotional rollercoaster
-
I don’t need to say anything, you already know anyway...
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Taboo
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“kiss”
I don’t know how/why you associate me with that word???
-

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“*** doesnt wear it”
*ryan blurts out a word with rather inappropriate connotations
-
“ *** wears short it”
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I could guess it correctly
but I don’t really want to be the one guessing it
I don’t/and never approved of it...

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neither do I approve of your antics with the 2 of them
inappropriate might be the word
-
although I shouldn’t be commenting,
I’m rather touchy myself...
largely due to my own personal insecurities
-
silent observer...
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and gosh... dunno why my mum is so fickle
one moment say don’t go KK
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next moment say might as well go KK, KK cheaper than HK !!!
I assumed that was in jest...
since one moment ago she was still ranting about how dangerous Bangkok was...
-
anyway I’m not going to call up Jeremy again..
not unless God really strongly convicts me to...
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anyway
God above all
to be glorified
no matter how real or how painful or how happy things may be
Christ is, what matter after all
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so I shall learn the story... and always thank God
for placing me wherever I might be, at one moment, at anytime... for His purpose

Ultimately

Obedience is better than sacrifice...
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I guess... I wont go
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in that... God would be most glorified
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with regard to everything else
I guess...
I dont want to cry
I dont want to think about it
-
but
...faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen
Heb 11:1
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therefore I shall believe that
ultimately God will make all things beautiful in His time
one way or another...
-
I just need
to surrender to God
give in...
but not give up...
-
and let Him do whatever He pleases
-
and make my one desire Him
-
after all
Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness
and all these things will be added unto you as well
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I’ve lost focus yet again
placed the cart in front of the horse so to speak(quote lua)
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placed people I cared for above God
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forgiveness
for making the same old mistake
given freely by the God who picks us up when we fall...

Childlike Faith

back to the sometimes naive... but trusting
Child-like faith in God
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who will bring everything to pass, according to His will
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perhaps... the story of Jonah...
despite the crappy day...
-
but I guess... that was my big fish...
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now... for the fish to open its mouth and vomit me on dry land...

Numbers

chapter 13-14
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14:41-43
But Moses said, "Why now are you transgressing the command of the LORD, when that will not succeed? Do not go up, for the Lord is not among you, lest you be struck down before your enemies. For there the Amalekites and the Canaanites are facing you, and you shall fall by the sword. Because you have turned back from following the LORD, the LORD will not be with you."
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40 years...
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Lord have mercy on me... =(

Overcome...

...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
(John 16:33b)

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I don’t know... :’(
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but I know... He holds the future...
and I know He holds my hand...

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RS...
I remember beginnings
-
how it was just me with a injured junior
how it was to share...
-
but I dunno what happened in between
sighz...

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it would have made all the difference
-
if it was you who was willing to soak your shoes, to go out there,
rather than telling me to go ‘score’... and telling me ‘I dont want’...
-
and if it wasn’t you who was discussing stuff with Lua a few months back...
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and if you didn’t have certain images in your library
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and if you didn’t respond when i mentioned something
-
but as it is...
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deception and lies

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strange thoughts were passing through my mind as we crossed over to the Habourfront bus terminal
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wondering what it would be like to have something big and heavy ram into me
wondering what it would be like to be hovering over a scene...
-
evidently, something is seriously wrong with me now...
sighz...
-

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wondering what it would be like
if things a few months ago
worked out how i thought it could have worked out...
-
then I wouldn’t be in this mess as it is...
or maybe I would be in a different sort of mess...
-
sighz
I wish... :’(

PCG

you were the one who told me to not cling to false hope 11 months ago...
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“you can give... ...a hug on my behalf”
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I really wish i could... you know... ...
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talking to you
and making your screen do funny things was fun though... =)
-
haha
-
have fun in mapleleaf land and don’t freeze to death =)

KK

somehow... i realise... I really don’t have the time...
-
In that case...
sighs
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Remember this and consider,
Recall it to mind, you transgressors,
remember the former things of old;
for I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is no one like me,
declaring the end from the beginning
and from ancient times things not yet done,
saying, "My purpose shall stand, and I will fulfill my intention,"
calling a bird of prey from the east,
the man for my purpose from a far country.
I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass;
I have planned, and I will do it.
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(Isaiah 46:8-11)
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in that case...
sighs
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I should also honour my mum’s concerns
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as for KK, not this time perhaps
-
God gave me a choice
I took it...
and He closed doors after that
while opening others,
-
which He definitely did
“with God all things are possible...”
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May the name of the Lord be praised...

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for other stuff
-
you know my hearts desires
-
Lord if its you’re will, grant them to me
-
if its not, change my heart...

Security Camera

decided to watch WALL-E over the net (via video sharing websites)
-
robots falling in love seems a little far fetched to me, I must say
-
and the subtle dark tone of the movie,
reminded me greatly of Huxley’s “A Brave New World”
Degenerative Utopia
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there was one scene
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I begin to wonder
-
like if we could take a replay tape
and see everything that we missed out
-
like Harry Potter’s Pensive
-
how would things be?
-

---

maybe there isn’t a need
maybe it’s already known
-
we shall see how
Time will tell... as God’s will unfolds

Optimism

Articles on wikipedia, especially that of social science... tend to be unreliable
-

---

God... please give me the assurance
that you know best
that you will make everything beautiful in Your time
-

---

the thing
that haunts me the most
and saddens me the most
-
is the LM like behaviour,
-
upon stuff being said
which suggests more than what it is
-
a reaction...
overreaction...
-

---

I keep plunging into episodes of the “sinking feeling”
-
from time to time...
-

---

I’ve realised
that in every aspect of life...
the need to “enquire of the Lord”
seek God’s direction and will
-
the world will tell you to “move on”
to stick to what the soul - reason, tells you
-
what is seen
what is unseen
-

---

I still firmly believe
that as the rain and snow comes down from heaven
and does not return without first watering the earth...
-
So it is with Your Word
that will not return empty...
-

---

Romans 8
v28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
v38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Low...

that’s one more to pray for =(
-

---

I remember, more than a year ago
-
“am I that detestable?”
-
“I want to do with you...”
“would be quite cool...”(JP)
-
I was quite freaked out by that incident...
and I hardly talked after that.
-
but now... after what I heard from CC...
sighz... what happened?
-
what can take away the knowledge of Christ from a believer?
-

---

and again.. looking through the last time... a few months back
before the “airport” got blockaded and you were cut off
we were talking about choir, about who wasn’t saved
-
I mentioned JS...
-
I know I’ve been too sticky perhaps
sorry... I wish we could talk again...

---

I’m worried now
when the fire and passion of a believer gets snuffed out
when disillusion, guilt and tests take their toll
-
will he/she fall away...
when you no longer can say with the same optimism:
“I know I’ll see you in heaven, even if we never meet again”
-
I need to give a call... someday or another...

Like a whirlwind

So many things have happened over the week
-
1. Bangkok Airport PADing
2. Mumbai madness
3. Prom... Tim
4. John Tay
-
3 and 4, nearly cried for you guys...
-
but i know God works for the good of those who love Him
i guess He’ll take care...
the same way He has seen me through a lot of trials the past few months
-
always remember...
like what you told me before
like what i wanted to tell you before you got snatched away
What God has still been impressing upon me:
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.(2 Cor 4: 18)
-
Don’t worry too much,
I believe, and trust... that one day, God will make a way
For you...
and for me... in time to come...
-
Faith and trust
-
simply ask Him
call out to Him
He’ll answer...
He’ll comfort...

---

for a moment I wondered if i was, for once, the one who wasn’t exactly struck with anything bad...
after all prom/day after ended/started on a good note
-
when you talk about death, a loss
-
God gives, and He takes away
I’ve lost much
but have gained much too, what the world can give is nothing compared to the richness of Christ
-
but I guess,
I know... a long way... patience
to learn that...
after all
“love is patient”
-
To learn how to divorce the 2 parts that come out of loving:
promote the part that genuinely cares
deny the part that desires reciprocation
after all
“love is not self seeking”
-

---

to hear how leemin
was told not to be so mean to me by you...
-
you know anyway... at least I can trust you, haha...
-
Leemin today, however conveniently listed down 10 reasons why she won’t want me
(not like I’m seriously interested anyway):
1. He’s so ugly,
2. He’s so ugly,
3. He’s so ugly,
4. He’s so ugly,
5. He’s so ugly,
6. He’s so ugly,
7. He’s so ugly,
8. He’s so ugly,
9. He’s so ugly,
10. He’s so ugly,
-
lol...

---

for these people who have been special to me this past year or so...
(not in any particular order)
-
thanks for everything...
for being someone I can talk to,
for being a great friend this past year
Thank you Petrina
-
Thanks for being a great friend
And for the times you’ve been an encouragement to me
Thank you Feli
-
thanks for the friendship
the sound advice
thank you John
-
thanks for being a great encouragement
thanks also for everything this year
Thank you Zhuo’er
-
thanks for being there for me always
thanks for being a great friend.
Thank you Tim
-
Thanks for your smiles
Your laughter and friendship
Your little bits of encouragement
For being who you are over the past 2 years
Thank you Amanda...
-

---

one day, a long way from now
I’ll know
if dreams can come true...
-
or perhaps
like many
the innocent idealism gets weathered away
after bitter disappointment, guilt and trials
-

---

God has been so faithful to me thus far
I sincerely believe
He’ll continue to make a way
In His time and purpose
-
KK, Uni, relationships, everything else...

---

Help me to trust you Lord...
In everything...

Camwhoring

taking over 100 photos in 1 night , lol
-
what an insanity ... but at least I took pictures with a lot of people =))
-
the nicer/ more memorable ones ones:

---

Yinghao and Martin =)

---

​
Petrina =)

---

​
Wes =)

---

​
Tim =)

---

​
Asher =)

---

Amanda =))

---

Mdm Yong

---

Cheryl
Lex was being quite an ass when he took it lol

---

Leemin.
We are apparently too cool for each other...

---

Dan =)

---

Tessa =)
first time I’m taking a non-candid shot of you

---

Amanda and Petrina =))
was a bit blur, so i had to desaturate it a bit

---

Hsien Hui

---

Audrey Low =)

---

Lua =)

---

Jim =)

---

Maye
-
I remember the first Bio class, lol

---

Fab =)

---

Emily Low
lol ,
Emil and Emily... i still remember the first time we did outreach ...

---

Deon
Petrina was taking it,
“Stop buying Petrina off me ”

---

Petrina and Lua =)

---

the rest of the photos can be found in Facebook, in 2 parts:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=64133&l=554e2&id=694711676
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=64137&l=d0def&id=694711676

---

other memorable moments:
-
“who shall we vote for best dressed girl”(Gerald)
“Emil who do you lust for?” (Gerald)
“we can vote for Petrina... but I haven’t seen her dress yet” (Melodie)
-
erm...????
and no I don’t ‘lust for’,

---

“happily married couple”(Lex being an ass while taking a picture for cheryl)

---

and the not so ... nice moments...
being teased about some stuff
-
its not funny... =(
-
sighs... I’m sorry...
its my fault...
-

---

sent Wesley T and Amanda G back later then via my sisters driving
-
and I guess that marks the end of a long tiring day... collapsed in bed after showing,
and waking up later around 7 for a while before going back to sleep

and this is uglier

-
sighz...

now this is freaky...

-

---

to think that i was there nearly one year ago after a mission trip to Khon Kaen
-
and to think i might be going there within 13 days.... assuming this mess clears up...
-
i guess..
-
“With God, all things are possible”
-
pray for Thailand, pray for the trip
-
Lord... make a way... if it be your will...

Long way to go...

you might be tomorrow
-
but I’ve got a really long way to go...
-
sighs
-

---

“with God, all things are possible”
-
that’s all i know
all I can see
-
all the hope i have
lies on this promise...
-
one more chance
one more day
-
appropriate that tomorrow should be exactly 11 months since the day
-
i walked, clad in deep blue...
down the streets of Zion road
past river valley
past grange road
down to scotts road
alone...
and feeling more alone...
-
wondering
where the next year would lead me...

---

-
... don’t want to...
... it’s bad to bottle things up...
... and i guess i did all that ...
... you made it kinda of obvious, but...
-
... sorry...

---

I wish... I could start again
back to what it was
and what it should have been
-
God, only You know...
KK, life, everything...
-
everything...

Point of Escapism

now even that is gone...
-
maybe i should be more mature about it
-
not like it really matters, facebook is a darn waste of time anyway
-

---

it seems
sighs
-
no matter how hard you try
there’s really no point clinging on to FALSE HOPE right?
-
I could do an alien
be as sticky and possessive as I can be, make people feel bad...
-
and that’s not being loving, since, I quote:
when you love a person
sometimes you have to give him/her that space
sometimes in loving
you need to let go.
-
or the thing that’s generated by a voltaic cell:
put weird pics on my imaginary iTouch,
Emo in one corner,
so people will bake cookies and try to cheer up
(and I never had that luxury...)
pretend to flirt with other people.
but still...
-
but... can I BE A RATIONAL CREATURE for ONCE
just dump everything away,
isolate myself,
lock myself in a room
play all the meaningless computer games,
lose myself away in everything possible
-
play a game of pretend and stick to another person even though its not true
(and i know that doesn’t work either..., and you might even end up SCREWING up YET another friendship...=(- )
-
no need to suffer all these crap hurled at me...

---

but then again... I cant :’(
I can only keep absorbing the hurt
and I even have to discount the rare nice moments,
I don’t want to be disappointed again... like the 27th dec,
even the nice can hurt me... sometimes...
-
I KNOW DARN WELL THIS IS A PUBLIC BLOG
GO AHEAD AND LAUGH AT ME, I DONT CARE!!!!

I guess

you really don’t understand
-
does it matter that you don’t?
-
it doesn’t, you don’t really need to know...
-

Fender Telecaster

well before I forget about choir, i guess, the dinner was okay... not exactly fantastic, other than the fact it would be the last one i would ever attend.
-
somehow, its strange... I don’t know how i can manage to take everything flung at me, and still at the very least seem all fine and happy at the surface...
-
eitherway I had fun CAMWHORING after the dinner =)
-
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=63544&l=0ceb2&id=694711676

---

anyway, I GOT MY FENDER TELE, WHEEE!!!
-
AWESOMENESS,
Made in America, Highway One Telecaster
(better than MIM and MIJ)
-
the sustain and feel is really great...
-
and I also got it for a ridiculous discount =)
U.P. 2.2k,
I got it for only $1000
-
haha
now picture of my tele
-
like all my guitars, I gave it a name too,
-
after one of my awesome friends, haha =p
like Tessa K Taylor, (my acoustic)
-
we have:
-
Fender Feli Tele.
-
lol it has a nice ring to it =p, assonance and alliteration all rolled into one =p
-
Pictures:

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
​

---

eitherway today... at vivo
-
somehow, i always bump into you,
when i least expect it
-
sometimes, it really hurts...
i don’t really know
-
but i somehow, it always felt as if things were done intentionally
or subconsciously, yet with deliberation...
-
sighz
is it the whole problem
of having to care , yet not care too much?
-
a Convo i had with Tim today:
-
“I’m very clear about it and I know i won’t”(Tim)
-
“ well, I wanted to make a case in point,
...sighs, it means nothing will work out”
-
“I didn’t say it was you, I’m different from you Emil”(Tim)
-

---

“why do you still hang on to some hope when you know there's practically none?”
“I can safely say that there really isn't much of a chance. no offence though”
(Petrina C in Jan )
-
on that basis, i tried to move on, move away...
-
but:
you somehow find, you and I collide
-

---

sighs
if i can already cry at the thought
-
i wonder... when it really happens...
how will i take it...
=/

---

Guess sometimes when you're emotionally involved,
Do you tend to hear what you wanna hear?
-
What if that was just you speaking?
I guess this is something i ask myself all the time
When I ask God something and He gives me an answer
I keep wondering if that's what I wanna hear from Him or if it's truly Him speaking
-
“My sheep hear My voice” (John 10:27)

Books and Blades

At borders today
-
i remember so clearly, Charles passing me a book, with all his little notes and scribbling
a book on love, as he so described
-
John Orteberg’s
“Love Beyond Reason”
-
it was quite strange to see another copy of it today
-

---

rollerblading for 2 hours was kind of insane
-
my feet were aching and blistering by the time it ended
-
but it was fun all the same
-
Among the little tips given to an extremely amateur rollerblader like me,
Who ended up:
crashing over john in a slope
lagging behind most of the time
-
and Charles as usual , bringing up one of his favourite topics over lunch
all in a row...
-
patience...
ah well...

---

choir dinner after that, would prob post on it tmr (with pictures), kinda late now

34

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
(Isa 55:10-11)
-

---

I saw it today
-
now i understand... more
-
“all things are possible with God (Matthew 19:26)”
inscribed upon Tangs Shopping Mall as i passed by in bus 7 en route to BB Complex
-
God, so...
-
what You said to me
long long ago
-
Will it come to pass?
in the very same way?
-

---

was at maple woods (petrina’s place),
tennis, swimming
-
7 mile food centre
-
and Vanda Road(Amanda’s),
clue-do, and a piano that sounded really awesome...
rich and warm...
-
and Petrina getting tackled and abused by Ezra in the car after that... lol
-

---

words...
they mean much to me
-
but I’m scared....
I’m going to lose a lot... someday...
-
but:
“hope does not disappoint us,
because God's love has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,
who has been given to us.”(Romans 5:5)
-
keep trusting
keep hoping
keep close to God
-
faith, trust
hope, love
-

xkcd

-
lol
apparently that’s how i managed to survive IB Lit without dying
-
“eight papers and two books and they haven’t caught on”

On the wings of

Grace...
-
i had a bunch of weird dreams lately
-
one was a nightmare involving Daniel and another close friend...

---

-
and one was a really strange one involving ‘wings’
-
so many things people can depend on to fly
-
but it ended with a word...
-
‘Grace’
-
I’ve been living on that for the past 6 years of my life
-
T’was grace that taught my heart to fear
and grace my fears relieved...
-
so for friday,for everything else, whatever the outcome...
-
hopefully in my favor... but if otherwise
-
yeah...
-
“My grace is sufficient for you”

will it stop raining...

if i do have a heart problem
its probably that of a heart break...
-
God... why?

when theres a will theres a way...

can we fight against circumstances, against a torrential stream of pressure
-
for what we believe in, what we hope in
and what we desire and put our lives into
-
is there a limit
-
integrity is something
But why should I be sincere about what I do not believe in?
-
“be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves”(matt 10:16)
-
friday....
-
sighz...
-
you cant fight against it if its in Gods will
-
so, have I been under a delusion for so long???
have i been living under a lie?
-

Smoking

nicotine
-
I didn’t know what i was writing about, but apparently i smoked correctly...

---

now that its over, i wonder...
-
I’ll see less
-
I’m still not sure also
-
God if its possible, don’t let me become sad and disappointed
-
but let Your will be done always
-
if it be in Your will, grant me the desires of my heart...
IB results, NS, Uni... everything else
but I know You know best in everything
-

---

zzz again i unintentionally embarrassed myself
and nearly got someone hurt... =(
-
I guess...
-
J Ng’s High Tea buffet after that
Then a long time of shopping with John at SKS and PS
-
John asked the same question Zhuo’er asked before
I told him the same answer
Tim knows the answer also
-
just that lua and daniel don’t...
-
so we shall see
how God will, make everything beautiful in His time...

another 74

“hiyah, sure got sheltered way one lah”(lua)
apparently some invisible sheltered walkway has just sprung up between the Dover Blocks and 121 Dover Road...
-
“I don’t want, you go score lah...” (dan)”
-
its not a matter of ‘scoring’.
its just that I might not be the best person... you know...
I’m scared to make things awkward...
-
seriously if you don’t want...
and you still stubbornly try to cling to TK, as I know you to be doing
stop acting in that way..., it really hurts me,
and can hurt other people as well,
esp if they don’t know how to guard their heart
-

---

waiting at a bus stop
-
a call:
“...mum called and asked us to ...”(dan)
-
“where’s dan and lua, they don’t want to come?”
-
“wah you’re not wet at all”(Yuan hao)

---

the weather was evil
sighz
-
why do I bother...
I could, after all, have not bothered to insist that lua and dan to call and check,
after a long while of pressuring them...
-
and stayed in the room, dry and comfortable...
like what they would have done if I didn’t do anything...
-

---

I was the ref they didn’t know about...

nondescript

each day we know more and more, as we go on the dimension of time we can only look back, we cannot see what’s ahead, we can move forward, but not backward
-

---

strangely enough, what I did
-
i don’t know what i would do, if hypothetically,
someone started emoing over me and I did not reciprocate those feelings
-
if i was single, and not really interested in anyone else, I might feel appreciated
if otherwise... I really wouldnt know what to do...
-
“you don’t lie, John Tay went looking for you at all the toilets”
-

---

it was a much easier decision for me in Feb last year... to move on because i knew it wasn’t possible... or so i thought
-
until things happened the way it did...
what I had hoped for secretly (which was so wrong and selfish of me),
really did happen...
-

---

the problem with everything is:
-
you cannot give too much hope
and yet you cannot be too mean and run away...
-
sighs
-
‘tis so strange
to be on either the giving or the receiving side of the dative bond
-
wish I could be part of your world...

---

in the end God knows best
-
and God will see us through everything
-

---

perhaps, maybe one day
I’ll see you with someone else who can give you happiness
-
that would be one of the saddest moments of my life
mixed with the happiness that comes from seeing you happy
-
bittersweet moments, I know...
a give and take,
-
but will there ever be a chance...
only God knows...
-
but we’ll see each other again when we see His face... together to worship Him

---

I should stop blogging on such stuff, it goes to show how obsessed I am... =(

thoughts upon the wind...

I realise this, and this is a scary thing...
-
I don’t think i can ever give so much of myself to anyone else ever again
-
sighz

---

saved items...
-
if you don’t want then please don’t take...
-
and there’s something about it... bad...
like how stuff can tread upon a thin red line...
-
sighz
-
i don’t know how i make people feel sometimes
like...
-
maybe its funny to see squabbling
maybe its not very funny after all...
-

---

crying over a piano isn’t a pretty sight, I must say...

---

-
ah... I shall prove it that with God,
even if one is in the worst possible state to do exams,
its still possible to do well....
-
so JG claim that being emo is a reason for failing
is bullcrap...
-
everything will be fine
by God’s grace
and only by His grace alone...

I love the pouring rain...

dancing and splashing among puddles
drowning out all of life’s muddles
-
piano with Ying Hao
chill out and lounge
-
i never have to touch poetry EVER again
wonder if things will ever be the same
-
the game of who’s to be blamed
you eliminated 2 so who else? *evil grin*
you really should be ashamed
for being such a spiteful lee mean...
-

---

I cried...
Sinbad had died...
(heck EA1)
-
I seem to have... made an exception to 2 of my rules today
1. No doing poetry for exams
2. no ... ...
-
but at least, thanks...
at least today ended off well for a while at least...
-

---

only by grace
thats how things work out...
like how they did last year...
not by might nor by power
but by the spirit of God...

chemistry

today was again... painful
-
XL can YOU STOP making fun of me/you know who?
its not funny anymore =(
-

---

sighz
-
do you detest me that much?
-

---

chemistry... IB...
-
was a painful paper to take...
but at least it was made better by its relative easiness
(i’m not discussing its contents)
-
sighz...
why why why?
-
:’(
-
no chemistry?
ah well =(
-
on the bright side,
at least a ride back with Petrina C cheered me up a slight bit...
-
-

---

give me a reason to hate you...

if pigs could fly...

the Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
(Psalms 34:18)
-
is the only source of comfort I have as of now
-

---

I noticed the times
-
first it was XL
then other stuff
-
then more stuff again
-
you really hurt me today... almost to the point of tears
=’(
-

---

the thing about madness is this
losing ones sanity helps to forget the world for a moment...
-

---

i want to die..., at least that when everything will be alright, when we see the face of Our Creator
“to live is Christ and to die is gain”
-
but taking one’s life is not an option, it is after all a sin against God that can never be repented of
which to the catholics maybe be millions of years in purgatory
-
or to us, an eternity in hell

I wonder

when the bible says “love never fails”
-
In what context should we respond that?
-
after it shows us, what love should be...
-

---

heh
-
the joke is getting out of hand already
-
seriously, consider other people’s feelings, even if you don’t want to consider mine
stop making people feel awkward...
=(
-
that stupid remark over the phone was totally uncalled for...
-

Glico

today was relatively okay...
save the exceptional tiredness due to the effect of Clarinase to clear up a ridiculous blocked nose
-
I nearly ended up noodles for 4 meals in a row (lunch, dinner, Breakfast, lunch today)
-
decided not to eat Just for Mee in the end... thankfully,
went over to broadway to buy some Gyudon(beef rice) that was like chewing rubber with rice
-
my chewing noises was probably too noisy :
“You need to learn to close your mouth when you eat...”
-
chng had his t.s.a today so he wasn’t around in the afternoon
which meant no iTouch to distract me...
-
but i was kinda exceptionally tired all the same...
-
some weird argument with Lua about 4th I.E. being higher than 3rd I.E. for ALL cases
-
then I went off to eat at some random restaurant at rangoon road with my relatives...
-
the food was... okay... not worth travelling so far to eat though...
-

---

then again.. they went for Coffee O_o,
was super tired by then...
but at least i managed to buy stationery and some snacks
-
and some random jokes from my aunt....
ah well
-

---

anyway i was struck with a thought or so with regards to the love of God
-
God has already shown His love to us before we knew Him
He loved us enough to actually take care of us even when we did not acknowledge Him
in that way... God’s love was already always there... a constant that never changed
-
however , its only up to us to accept that love... to make the choice... one day...
-

unfailing love...

remember, you’re not allowed to discuss the contents of the paper for the next 24 hours...
-
therefore... i shall keep mum about math...

---

its at times like these....
when I am constantly reminded
-
of a God, who so loved the world
not for what good we were worth
but all for love...
-
that He chose to became man
and died for us
that we may know Him
-
the supreme sacrifice...
yet there are so many
who reject this gift of love
-
I wonder... how does God feel at such blatant unrequitment of love...
-

---

I learnt that
Love is never without choice
and
Love is never without sacrifice or commitment.
-
Godly love in the bible is said to be agape... needless to say there is the famous chapter 13 of the 1st Epistle to the Corinthians, which gives us a lengthy description of what love is
-
Love is patient
Love is kind
it is not self seeking...
-

---

I learnt that
even the most God-fearing person
if you approach for Godly counsel
without first asking of God...
-
will at most give good advice... not discern God’s will for you.
unless he prays with you, and is inspired by the Holy Spirit
because, to discern God’s will, there is a need to “seek, and you will find,”(Matt 7:7)(Deut 4:29)
-

---

with regard to green light
many a time
God calls those who are willing to respond
-
hence
many a time, He actually gives us a choice...
if we truly desire to serve Him in a particular ministry
and He does not close doors or clearly show a red light(as in the case of David in 2 Sam ) in a sense
-
Go in faith and trust that He will take care...

---

I made a choice, that was not done purely out of rashness or emotions
-
although many a time I feel rather like a fool for sacrificing and giving so much of myself to it
-
and many a times I feel disappointed and hurt...
-
but since... this is where God wants to lead me, for now
whether or not it turns out the way I would want it to be
-
I will go in faith and trust...

---

on a afterthought
it seems that while stubbornness and determination actually mean almost the same thing(if you exclude the connotations)
-
while determination gets you somewhere
stubbornness gets you nowhere
-
lets hope I know what I’m doing...
-

---

anyway today I ate the first ever bowl of ban mian in my life (lol)
-
normally I’ll stick to you mian, but it doesn’t matter anyway haha...
not like i was very hungry, and I really didn’t know what to eat at first...

"I don't like you"

我不喜欢你
我哪里有说我喜欢你?
-
but it wasn’t leemin today...

---

but I don’t like you that way... you know what I mean...
-
are you trying to say I like... well I don’t
-
I DONT LIKE YOU!!!
-

---

不知道为什么
我觉得自己好象傻瓜一样。
还是一个笨蛋
-
我本来不想跑那么远
找不到煎蛋就算了吧
-
跑来后也是找不到
为什么呢？
只好买东西回来
-

---

dont bother asking just eat...
-
chng go and eat
-
emo chng
-
you’re not likely to do anything silly
thats what everyone thinks
that Emil doesn’t care...
but he does...

---

sighz
this is so not the time to want to kill yourself
when there is a FREAKING MATH PAPER TMR
-
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

In my place...

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldnt change
I was lost, oh yeah


I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldnt have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah


And yeah
How long must you wait for it?
Yeah
How long must you pay for it?
Yeah
How long must you wait for it?
For it


I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I wait for it

And if you go, if you go
And leave me down here on my own
Then I'll wait for you
Yeah

And yeah
How long must you wait for it?
Yeah
How long must you pay for it?
Yeah
How long must you wait for it?

Singing please, please, please
Come back and sing to me
To me, me


Come on and sing it out, now, now
Come on and sing it out, to me, me
Come back and sing


In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldnt change
And I was lost, oh yeah, oh yeah
Oh yeah

---

yet another Coldplay song...

Reign of Love

Reign of love
I can’t let go
To the sea I offer
This heavy load

Locusts will
Lift me up
I’m just a prisoner
In a Reign of Love

Locusts will
Let us stop
I wish I’d spoken
To the Reign of Love

Reign of Love
By the church, we’re waiting
Reign of love
My knees go praying

How I wish
I’d spoken up
Or we’d be carried
In the Reign of Love

---

another Coldplay song...

More thoughts

literally “wasting a whole day”
bumming in the morning...
cardiologist in the afternoon, amidst the rain...
-
I might be able to downgrade Ns, it all depends on the results in 19 november...
-
as far as i know... apparently i have a heart murmur and some abnormal rhythm at the stress treadmill
-
see how
-

---

and going to school after that
-
maybe there is a pattern
when i decide to go to school and not...
-
I stayed in church to bum instead of school on sunday...
-

---

got more songs from my sis, back from US
Switchfoot and Lifehouse
-
and i happened to chance upon the song feli posted on her blog about a month back
-
Breathing
in particular these words make sense:
-
I'm looking past the shadows
In my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
the voices in my head
God, which one's You?
-
ah well...
-

---

42 : Answer to Life , the Universe, and Everything
-
God...

Heart doctor

going to see a cardiologist later, to see if there’s anything wrong...
-

---

sighz
-
I know... that sometimes... certain things... might irritate people, like you know...
the fact that some things i see make me feel left out, sad , or upset...
-
I happen to know last year, apparently my consistent “sighing” was irritating people
ahh... I should control myself...
lest things become messy again...
-
can i just say that... I really do...
-
beyond the shallowness of infatuations and everything
when seeing ... left me tongue-tied and a surge of adrenaline
-
the old past, before i tried to move away
and realised ... I couldn’t. I could distract myself away for a while, maybe about 6 months
“but all the ways still lead back to the ego”(Siddhartha)
-
when it’s not about me anymore..., not about the fleeting emotions and temporary now...
God, You know how things go, so help me to always keep things in perspective...
-
I guess as things come, I need to face it like a man
only time will tell...
-
and I know that I have no guarantee...
basically, like the Lehman linked assets, if it fails, it fails
-
as John would say:
“you need to be realistic”
-
but I know I’ll always have God
so I guess, He’s enough...

---

zzz
its starting to make me feel rather uncomfortable too
and its not very nice for the other party
-
So, for ‘neth, lua, and Chng
STOP making fun of me... pfff...

---

I cant believe I got math in 3 days time
-
I cant seem to bring myself to press that ‘panic button’
-
Its starting to get a bit unnerving...

18

Thanks FOR EVERYONE who made my day special =), in one way or another,
Whether it be by dropping me smses just after midnight yesterday(Amanda G and Petrina C), when i was sleeping...
or writing the notes for me... thanks =).
or spamming my facebook wall
-
anyway one by one:
-
Msn/FBchat etc.
SongY
Jim Seet
John See

Smses:
Rachel(Church)
Melissa(Church)
Amanda
Petrina Cheng
Tim Lim
John Tay
Gareth Lim
Elliot Tan

Facebook(The notification spam I got O_o) :
Tina Tan wrote on your Wall.00:42
Chun Wui Tan wrote on your Wall.23:23
Wesley Chan wrote on your Wall.23:21
Karen Kong wrote on your Wall.21:47
Ian Goh wrote on your Wall.21:18
Jeanie Hue wrote on your Wall.20:58
Marc Ho wrote on your Wall.20:43
Cheryl Heng wrote on your Wall.20:28
Nicole Poh wrote on your Wall.20:25
Jonathan Pang wrote on your Wall.18:24
Low Ziwei wrote on your Wall.16:17
Joseph Gwee wrote on your Wall.14:12
Jonas Chow wrote on your Wall.12:29
Shane Yeap wrote on your Wall.12:00
Joshua Ong wrote on your Wall.11:49
Petrina Liam wrote on your Wall.10:37
Amias Lum wrote on your Wall.10:06
Jonathan Chan wrote on your Wall.09:55
Kerriann Chua wrote on your Wall.09:29
Zhuo'er Xu wrote on your Wall.07:20
Audrey Low wrote on your Wall.02:46
Daniel Chng wrote on your Wall.00:28
Collin Ho wrote on your Wall.00:15
Timothy Loh wrote on your Wall.00:04
Xunliang Lin wrote on your Wall.23:57
-
The Mug:

Amanda
Audrey low
Alex
Kenneth
Leemin
Tim
Chng
XL
Evelyn
-
The Board (notes):

Amanda
Felicia
John Tay
Zhuo’er
Pet L
Petrina C
Alex
Ding
Leemin
Evelyn
Tim
Daniel
Jayne
Kenneth
XL
-

The cake/surprise and everything else

Tim Lim
-
for the rest of the photos see here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=60406&l=9ed85&id=694711676

---

-
on the other hand... it looks like...
I’ve got a long way to go....
and there’s no guarantee things will work out the way I would want it to be
=(
-
cha kway teow...
-
ah well... we’ll see... everything will be made beautiful in its time...