In Christ Alone..

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my Glory in the power of the Cross
In Every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of Strenght
My Source of Hope
Is Christ Alone
-
Your love is my Anchor...

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-=God's Love=-

^{the recording}

^{Guitar and vocals only}

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While my HL1 Biology period this week are going to be half eaten up by choir :(
why Cant it be SL3 instead :(
-
a really really old memory suddenly happens to come to my mind
-
"You're the meanest friend I ever had"
(an Email from Belinda in P5 or 6 , I was a little blunt about some Group Project work stuff...)
the group members were the usual Docas and Belinda and if I remember correctly Clarissa was around too, all crammed into my room cutting Vanguard sheets...
-
I supposed what might have triggered that memory would be Yi Hang's: " my primary school best friend"
-
people have changed alot... from the time I knew them till now. What used to be one of my best friends (Docas/Clarissa/Belinda/Timothy chua/Yi Hang/Yi mian) , I hardly talk to now, except perhaps one of those rare MSN chats, like after O level results /PAE/JAE results were released...
-
yet I wonder, after we leave IB , the friends and acquaintances made made, (Tim Lim, Wesley, XL, Kenneth, Gerald, Joash, Darren, Song Yeong, Audrey, Amanda, Cheryl, Celito, Christine, Evelyn, Tessa,... so many of them ... too may to be counted, the BB, Choir, and Classmates)
-
Will it all be forgotten? Like I remember Tim Lim mentioning it in one of those Emo walks to his house...
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yet at least for many of them, we'll see each other again in Eternity,(sorry for those who can't stand me like a certain Evil T =p)( but I guess i'll get the same treatment for ppl like Seb Yap... whom i cant stand either)
-
Or rather we would be transformed into His likeness
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All for His glory
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A new creation In Christ Alone

So Loved

an interesting thing... after I blogged my last post, my QT material(which i did after blogging )happened to be from the same passages as the inspiration for the song...
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Saturday...
-
while BB in the morning, with fewer than usual numbers (No Tim to Swan me at least =P)
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Charles Ng(come at 730 i wont be late , and he arrived at 745). I came at 738 thinking i was late... opened the door, ... ... , to find no Charles Ng lol...
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pinching cheeks?
Maybe I notice too many things...
-
marching prac... as if to make up for yesterday's "XL you don't have to sms me again "(Tim) thingy... right... lol... tried timing, but super rusty liao.. cant time for nuts now...
-
then after that Sentosa... even though i was supposed to be back at 1230 for choir... then realising even less people i thought were going...(no Tim, no Wesley,...) but even so it wasn't exactly a waste... the BS on Honoring parents was thought provoking... and well...
-
A sprained/twisted foot or ankle , i dunno how you describe it, all I know was that
1)it hurt when I applied pressure(walking/standing) on my right foot
2) It left me limping since then , although it much better now
-
the weather decided to rain down hard, was stuck in sentosa eating 7 eleven bryani before leaving at 1 o clock with Malcolm, Asher(Sec 2), and Jeremy, shared Cab with Asher to school... and limped into choir at 130, an hour late, luckily no scolding, but a stern frown from Ranji and Dorton...
-
choir ended, bruised my pocket, ego and brain cells with a swensen lunch with Shaun Hanan Martin and Ansom, with the usual bitching at each other... and expensive meal
-
while swensen was playing all the nice emo westlife songs... nice combi... getting my brains wrecked at one side and the emotions tugged at the other...
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Cold rock ice cream(supported by hanan and martin being walking sticks for me, my foot was killing me), before dragging/limping to the bus top with a severe pain... to sit down waiting for the 970 to arrive, saw Joash,(lol why do i always meet him out of nowhere,),boarded and alighted the bus ,dragged myself back from the bus top to my house(nearly 2km =( OUCH... )before collapsing into the bathtub, showering, and collapsing unto my bed.

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Sunday
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Church... clicking and limping around trying to fix projector issues(both at JY and Main 2nd service)
-
yet while sitting down, instead of standing up, and while Mervin was leading worship, the sensation of feeling ... so loved... by God...
-
while the other emotions are there, and they still come to me, almost all the time, thinking about... but ... , Jesus You should be my first Love...
-
You first loved me... I never knew what love was until You came into my life...
-

---

while it remains to be seen, God asking me to go for Mission trip to Khon Kaen again in December this year? A sort of confirmation from Matthew? If church camp was to recharge, yet whats the point of charging a full battery?
-
Give me Your Guidance
-
I will run to You...
-

1 Corinthians 13

God's Love
-
Verse 1
I know that life has many sorrows
I know that pain may come tomorrow
I know that hate can turn hearts to stone
I know that bitterness can make friends alone
-
Prechorus1
But I believe that with God's love
nothing can break us apart
No matter what
-
Chorus
So would you join with me, to declare His Love,
the love that unfailing , the Love that never ends
let our hearts be one, to show His glory
For God's love never ends
-
Verse 2
I know that Jesus once told us
I know He said "Love one another
"As I have loved you"
"so Love each other"
-
Prechorus2
But I know it's hard
sometimes it's a struggle
but God will be enough
-
Chorus
So would you join with me, to declare His Love,
the love that unfailing , the Love that never ends
let our hearts be one, to show His glory
For God's love never ends
-
Bridge
So if we think of love that patient
the love that is Kind
the love that doesn't envy
the love in Christ you find
-
The Love that bears all things
The love with hope that burns
the Love that's selfless in everything
That Casts out all resentments
-
Prechorus3
Yes I know that God
will mend the broken pieces
and make us one again
-
Chorus
So would you join with me, to declare His Love,
the love that unfailing , the Love that never ends
let our hearts be one, to show His glory
For God's love never ends
-
2007 Emil Ng

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Inspiration from 1 Corinthians 13
and XL =P
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Oh well
-

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Tim you naughty boy, nice during NDP today:
"XL now you don't have to sms me"
whack me to ask me to look in front?
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Okay…
-
You watch out, you are so going to get swanned back I don't care … … =p even if I have to get D.C. out of the way … …

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Anyway
-
1) Evangelism teams, teamed with someone called Emily … … lol luckily we didn't tell the people we talking to our names or they would crack up … … anyway we talked to a lot of people, mostly Christians and one non Christian. Anyway I remember 1 guy called Matthew, he was an example of a 2^nd generation Christians, didn't even know who God was , and only thought of God on Sunday… oh well I wanted to pray for him but he declined …… Lord, would You Touch His heart and show Him who You are…
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2) Broke my glasses, so I got a replacement pair, looks almost the same except it's a nice bronze/pink color =P
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3) Lost my keys in the Mud
-
4) Splattered Mud over my pants and shoes, as well as Petrina's shins skirt and shoes (s.s.s.) (Oops, sorry, maybe you shouldn't have swapped place =P )
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5) Botak Jones dinner with CG (or a very small part of it)
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6) Had a chance to play keys for church, But THANKS a lot Choir, for not letting me have my Saturdays, I can't practice so therefore I can't play =(

tell me why?

when you are up to the neck... with homework and stuff.... chem test... ouch... more stuff coming up... TOK EE CHB oral.. not to mention overdue Gp4 and IA
-
IOP threats from JLuah , G.Ong (to fanny tan)...demerit Threats from Ranji if you Pon choir.... and more...
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sighz....
-
i wish.....
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make me happy again ... yet in the good times dont let me forget You Lord...
why is it when I'm happy i tend to forget God...? do I really need a trial of some sort to force me to cling on to him?
-
temperature, Pressure, Concentration, Presence of Catalyse
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right... factors that affect my mood....
-
under too much pressure, lack of concentration, and well...
-
the temperature of FireAC? right... i dont think that counts
-
74 of KAP and late for FireAC due to miscalulated time of bus Journey.
-
why ?

The smile to an old man that made all the difference

Saturday 22th July 07
Bethany nursing home, BB Cares....
-
teaching songs of hokkien to the juinors to spread the joy and love that Christ brings...
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having to set an example for the juinors, I cast away my fears of interacting with the old folk
-
to see the mute old man lying in bed... and requesting for singing... and my guitar,
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and me not knowing what to sing, sang some rubbish =(singing n tongues? i dunno) yet the man wanted more, Gan xie Gan Xie Ye Su zhai wo xing (thank You Jesus for being in my heart), and the smile on his face, along with the smile on the man in the next bed...
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and Dennis, zhin zhia hou , lai xing Ya Shou zhin zhia hou, and the joy.....
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these people have nothing... sick... bedridden, simply waiting to die....
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yet the Joy, the love of Christ, is so real to them... and it is all they have...
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Why cant we , why cant I simply be satisfied by His Love? and feel his love so real in my life
-
like Jesus once said, "it is easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of God"....
-
when the world has so much to entice one, we find it difficult to give them up, and simply, just like Mary of Bethany(an interesting connection, church sermon today) sit at the feet of Jesus and simply listen.. to be close to Him.
-

---

-
and the final toothless person , I couldnt understand ".. er, jiu, qi, ling, pa, er.."?
but all i did was smile and try my best to listen... and the end of it all, Steven tells me the rest have gone down... I simply gave my hand and gripped his hand... and gave Him a smile...
-
and He returned it, the smile on his old wrinkled face.... before lying back down, waiting for the day and time to die...
-

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While this smile may not necessarily have the same effect of other smiles
but it was something to be treasured...
-

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Hope which was lost, now stands renewed...
The Love of Christ, the Savior King... (church today)
-
this week end has been an eye opener for me, friday and saturday,
-
stalking the 3 smokers on friday to see a even bigger group of people, talking, hurling vulgarities at each other, the punk hairstyles, tatoos,.... how many do not know Christ ? to my knowledge most people who don such outward appearances are empty inside... the outside image is just a mask to hide the weak inside...
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The Evangelism... which i posted in the previous post...the marching... the sizing up ... the marching in a muddy field...the weather not making up its mind ... the wah chee with Evelyn Tim Dan, which before that , abandoning Evelyn with our bags at the traffic light to stalk the smokers.
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and God has shown me a lot...
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yet the old familar loneliness threatens to invade once again ....
while I ward it off with the assurance of God's faithfuness and love.....
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Give me strenght for each day...

Cranberry juice

Drinking  a cup of sweet cranberry juice in front of me... while typing this post...
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Cranberry juice is interesting...  the purplish reddish color..., at times it tastes like medicine, yet at most times, it has a a sweet slightly sour taste...
 -
anyway... today as we moved out... into the mission field of the SAC , while XL and Audrey were out there in the physical frontline while me and Russell see were at a distance fighting at the spiritual frontline, the prayer aspect.
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it occurred to me.... supposing i spent a lot of effort time money etc to get a perfect present for someone i liked a lot or something... and the person simply doesn't regard the gift at all , rejects the gift... wouldn't I be devastated, after all the sacrifice etc...
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what about God? He gave his very son for us , the gift of the greatest love of all... and people still reject this gift... He loves all of us so much, greater than any love possible. Imagine how devastating it would be if people reject the gift... after all Jesus has done on the cross for us and people completely rejects, disregards and even sneer at the gift... How much it must pain God...?
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why do people reject this gift , this gift of life that God has to offer?
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the price, which wasnt cheap, was already paid... why oh Lord do people still reject this gift?
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the marching, the rain,  the mud , and ... 
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while BOTB, the 3 smokers, the 3 gideon bibles, the 3 of us(Tim,Daniel and me) the 3 minutes
and the revealation..
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=) happy for now... 

Bitter-sweet chocolate

the Dark brown , almost black color, the hard cold smooth texture, but soft and melted...
the initial bitter taste before a sweet aftertaste... the soft texture against the mouth....
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one of my favorite snacks, Dark chocolate....
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bitter sweet moments... eat the initial bitter part first to get that sweetness which is sweeter and lasts a long time.
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help me Lord to always trust in You.. always..
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and Lord let your name be glorified everyday , especially tomorrow... let Your name reign...
-
seems that alternate days are nice... but, my mood shouldn't solely depend on interactions between people, rather God is always my strength at every moment... and my joy... no human joy can be greater than that....
-
yet sometimes I wish I could have a love that is so much more tangible. Yet even if I dont get it, God is still enough... God is Love, and love never fails, therfore, God never fails? Right.. did i just commit a TOK fallacy?
but God never fails... still the same
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In God's will and timing... He satisfys my desires, "Delight in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart?"
desires? ... Desire to see Him glorified above all....
yet... what about other desires? surely not the sinful desires that corrupt, but it is not possbile to habor such desires if one delights in Him.
-
how does one interpret scripture? the promises that claim that God will give...
"... and all these things will be given to you"
-
LimClaNstruMMeR~†timLim~God Chaser~LimIDTS`':
"actually the verse is true
in that once we seek God
our will becomes His
and whatever we ask for
will be what He wants for us"
-
Lord. why am I so downcast at times?
yet at times when I do ask God for a "happy day" I do get it... yet when I dont (when i'm happy to start out with)... I dont get it, on the contary I might even get a depressing day...
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so much for alternate days being happier...
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draw me deeper in love with You Lord... I dont want to judge people, to hate, the bitter poison.
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And go before us tommorrow before we move out... this is our cry... that you would show mercy and answer our prayers
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"Issac"

I want to quit choir... hmm no exco/music comm positions for me, (not really surprising) anyway...
while it seems that I am not really appreciated in choir as much as in BB... ... evident since that start of this year in tenor section..
yet the 2 things that are stopping me so far...
1) love of music(lesser degree)
2)and more importantly
to see the salvation of many of those who dont know Him yet
-Song yeong
-Rodney
-Levin
-Reno
-WenJie
- and countless others...
--------
if only their hearts could be soften and You would would move and touch their hearts... and they would be saved....
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I spoke to rodney before... planted and watered.... Lord... make it grow...
and Lord... help...
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gave up a lot for choir...... and... well...
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gave little for BB in contrast
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and I still get more from BB.
-
and that is the sad truth...
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---

-
a tingling sensation, that seems so wonderful yet so terrible...
-
a bitter poison
and sweet cranberry juice
and broken Hg thermometers, S powder and Delta H...Delta S and Delta G

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Today:
Milk, Limmdt, Gam,Venr,Chrt,Gong, Chiamck, Gong, Limmdt, Gam, Paut, Joae, Rumb, Jonz,Theh, Jkam,Vijr, nitramtwy,

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Corn counting , an amaizing Prac
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=)
oh well
God will be my strenght... through it all...

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and Tim could you look more cheer-uped.... you are starting to make me depressed with that contemplative stressed out look.
lol =P

=)

The smile says it all?
haha
God is Good
His Love reaches to the heavens and faithfulness to the sky... wheee =)
-
yet while going to see my sis recovering at the ward at SGH today, yet...
-
the usual repulsion towards the wards , especially the SGH ones, memories of being stuck there in P6 while my father was sick... the smell of disinfectant.. the reeching and puking sounds...
-
I wonder whether if I was to become a doctor later, have to get used to it lor.... thats if....
-
yet there was that moment of slight emoness, for goodness sake dont mention the word GF in front of me... thats directed to my aunt and mum, its not nice to joke about how I could possibly take care of someone if i apparently "cant even take care of myself" rubbish...
-
whatever lor *frowns*
its not nice...
-
okay
New blogskin and I organised the songs i composed into a single DIV link....
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picture from a Phuket sunset, WoW ...
-
Thank God for giving me joy again?
or could it just be a short fleeting bout of happiness caused by a catalytic enzyme inhibitor--> antidote?
whatever it is anyway , it definately is waay better than sitting on a wet bench observing Koi.
-
thank God eitherway, maybe thats the resolution I was looking for, be happy with/as friends.
-
Yet continue to give me strenght each day... and let me never forget You in the good times.
-

hey hey you you... & memories

"hey hey you you...."
the retarded song called "girlfriend"
blasting off:
Shaun's/Han an's/Maria Kong's handphone(April)
-
Genting highlands first world Plaza (June)
"what the heck why play this in a shopping center"(Me to martin at that time)
"haha its Malaysia they don't care what they play"(martin)
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and while passing by Best Denki at Vivo City today
"HEY HEY YOU YOU..."
ouch... so much for Malaysia
-
and after that at Food republic
"hey hey you you..." blasting off someones handphone
-
I Cringe...
people either
1. like demented songs
2. have no taste.

---

-
anyway
today...
clicking in church again... and... Mr David Leong dancing around on stage and jumping around his ppt slides... stress sia.... I had to run to the camera to zoom out... as he kept leaving the Field Of Vision.
-
and certain ppl annoying me... while i was doing the slides, causing a nice delay
*"oy I' m on the next slide."(think Paul Tan voice and you get something similar to Mr David's voice)
-
opps
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nmind...
-
eating at Vivo city before heading to Best Denki to buy a DVI cable and audio cable for the BB room.
-
then... off to Vivo City Giant with my mum for shopping for Groceries...
-
memories of one day before LDC, with Kenneth, Jack, Jerome and Amanda, buying stuff for Hike... the cereal bars, fruit cocktail and bread... and 100 plus, after eating BK (Kenneth ate Carlos Junior), and watching Shriek 3 in the front row of the cinema.
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and back home... while my mum returns to the hospital to take care of my sis.
-
all alone...
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with MSN conversations on Taylor guitars, after I get mine you all also want to get also right...(XL and Wesley)
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while memories are all i have to come back and plague me... in every possible place.
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CCK MRT remembering after Bethany in February. A short lonely bus ride home after that.
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the coffee shop at Dover...(16 Feb)
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various locations in school
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and more...
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not so lonely primer rule 2.... but still lonely memories...
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memories of childhood , the innocence... of soft toys and pokemon and more...
the songs i used to love to listen to before a time I knew God,
when those songs had no significant meaning what so ever to my mind, it was just music, music that sounded like music...
-
of the times of RA2 and Dune.... and even earlier
DX ball (while i could still play it now)
Jazz the Jackrabbit 2 (wish i had a copy of the original game)
battling out with Javier, a cousin which i lost contact with after my dad's passing, as his entire family side disowning us.
-
the times when my dad would return from Malaysia with a VCD of the latest Disney cartoon for me to watch, wrapped in flimsy plastic wrapper,... i still have the VCDs in my room...
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or even further back in the old house, the pink walls of my old spacious room with the sun streaming through grilled windows, the noisy ceiling fan. the writing desk which is still in my new room...
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the old sandy playground... the monkey bars and slides.
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the old long cycling route.
the really deep end of the pool.
-
the AYE sound of cars rushing past.
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and Aunty Eleanor, Felix, Tien Wen, all the old neighbors, the noisy Japanese kids at the playground. The rabbits grazing at the grass.. the trees.
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the plucking of ixora and taking out the straws and sucking the sweet nectar... memories that came back on sat when Tim and Tessa tried the same outside the school.
-
and Pei Boon, the old kindergarten classmate of mine, my p5 and 6 classmate. who passed on 2 years ago if my memory serves me correctly.
-
NYPS days...
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the school even when I come back is different... no longer the same. no longer the old basketball court , the canteen, the hall, the library the field, the classrooms, no longer the same as the new extension...
-
E.C. and Zap comics and Pigs... remember so well... Clarissa, Dorcas, Belinda, Yi Hang(He's changed a lot even though I see him now in school), Timothy Chua, Jian Ling(J.L. or Jay as he wants to be known now, nice Jay Fong of RJC who appears in the newspaper commenting on Thaddeus) ,and so many more whose names I've forgotten. The old 6G class of 2002, the 2 years together, Ms Winnie Lau (5G teacher) and Mrs Wong (6G).
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the Lightning striking the center of the field during a Chinese Remedial.
-
random memories of recess games,
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watching all the disney cartoons at the library.
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abacus club of P1, the pandan cake, the leotards of gymnastics, the weird Kong fu music.
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the triumphs of shiny trophies, the english poetry competition 1999 (1st prize), the Math quiz 1998, the Social studies quiz 2002, the lyric wrting competiton 2002(1st prize). all the shiny trophies in my room... owning all the GEPs in school =P... while ACS(I) has left me with none save a graduation thingy(an irony since I'm back in this school.), A honors day Choir merit cert, and a BB UYO Gold award cert.
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---

-
wishes life would be what it used to be, so carefree, so innocent.
-
but God is so faithful
You have seen me through so much, and found me while while i was a lost sheep.
-
and you will see me through the rest, The Lord is my shepherd ... He leads me... You are with me...(Psalm 23)
-

An empty house

...So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again, my love...
Westlife - My love

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anyway... going home to an empty house today after BB , while mum and 2nd sis remain at hospital to accompany a elder sis after an op again
-
thank God that nothing went bad at least, the cyst wasnt cancerous.
-
while its a light hearted day today with BB, lol Petrina Psm...
and Charles Ng little opened expression later in the afternoon during debrief...
-
had to take care of parade PSM duties for her since
1. Petrina doesnt know how to etc...
2. Adriel also doesnt know/doesnt want to do
-
a few barely noticeable mistakes I guessed, to the untrained eye its not noticeable, to XL and some other primers haha... opps
-
and BB cares prep... while the temporary stricken mute boys try to convey messages like carebears love rainbow paddle pop, and Char kuay Teow Mai Hum.
-
yet in the the spirit of it, indifferent sec3s with mildy enthusiastic sec2s, and an indifferent Noah See
-
and millipedes crawling up all around...
-
And drill, the small group of us - Yang Jian,Tim Lim, Adriel, Benedict, Kenneth, Ryan, Noah,Russell, Fabriz, XL, Audrey Petrina, Christine, Amanda,
-
off with the cheers Sec5s =)
-
Drill HL as Stevens put it.
-
While Daniel and Tessa do their Drill studies, or Drill ab initio and Ding, Bong and Stevens take on the the Drill Sl class.
-
than off to admin room for the president's challenge briefing by Mrs Elaine Lui - the Kerriann clone as said by some.
-
before that playing stuff from the secular playlist of my Lime iPod, the emo and love songs such as this above. while the rest have fun with twiddling with the limited selection of secular songs
-
keeping a low profile while they do that, as they play the songs I play when the emotions come...
-
Fall out...
-
Makan...
sitting with tim lim and a couple of sec 2s.
-
and clearing the table next to me of a tray of finished food and drink.... after a plate of chap chye beng is placed and the owner goes to get a drink...
-
yet the mood is still light hearted... no swings of depression yet...
-
BS , the love and agony of prayer, lying prone on my guitar case , gazing at a direction towards tim's side rather than facing Charles... while he covers stuff that has been placed in my msn nick, and spiritual walk over the past week or so ... God is Love... Love is patient... Love is kind... Love doesnt demand anything back(not selfish), we love because He first loved us
-
and the Agony of praying out... and crying out to God...
-
and God's love is so amazing.... I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing...
-
yet where does this happiness of mine come from? God , or someone else? or both?
-
It doesnt really matter about BGR and other stuff which plague me sometimes, there is an assurance, that if it is God's will, in His time things will come to pass...
and if it isnt , good lor , eitherway. Not my will but Yours be done =)
-
maybe thats why I'm happy...
-
after bs, a FireAC prayer session...
-
the sudden fleeting impression of ... hurh? my mind still playing tricks on me? I push that one aside.
The vision of fire... the redness and orange and yellow....
my God is mighty to save...
and more... crying out to God to forgive us and empower us with His annointing.
-
A generation that seeks your Face....
-
thank God for His Faithfulness and His Love =)

EATXunLiang, and the chinese drama

No emo tag this time, I'll use the "random dumb stuff" tag.
-
FireAC's leaders little emotional problems etc. are enough to make it into some chinese drama at this rate.....
-
oh well, not exactly a good idea to think of God as some sadistic script writer, because He isnt, He is a loving God who puts us through trials to build us up =)
-
anyway the elements that make a FireAC chinese drama:
1. gan ching de shi (different variations of it, jealousy and the usual triangular rubbish, as well as fen shou and more...)
2. Hospital
3. I wonder what else, I guess we cant add in other rubbish , the nasty sexual sins you find in chinese drama... and God wouldn't like those stuff.
-
right... posting random rubbish... and I wont exactly elaborate on why the random opinion above, since either you know it or you don't know (i.e you have no business to know for now)
-
Emil
Audrey
Tess
Xun
Liang
our nice team of frontline group evangelisers whose initial spell eat , different permutations give other interesting things
-
XLTEA
XLATE
ATEXL
TAXLE
-
By God's grace we can pull through the toughest time of our lives because he cares for us
and He alone is God, in the good times and bad time also.

---

for today
was rather down in the morning.... my sis having an op on that day, IOP/EE/TOK/CAS file to worry about, plus other stuff.... stress sia.
yet the absence of Jean lua(saved from a scolding) and a little antidote =) and I'm happier after that for a while at least. Thanks.
-
but even so, my joy should come from You only, and You are always above my emotions and feelings
-

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Anyway 2 recordings, of the last 2 songs I wrote, no harmony. was kinda lazy to do that.
-
Through Your Love ( with guitar keyboard and Fake bass[a guitar ran through an octave filter] accompaniment, kinda messy)
His love knows know end ,
see previous post, love (5/07)
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Maker of Heaven and Earth (guitar only)
And my help comes from You at all times,
see previous post, Maker of heaven and earth(11/07)

"nice Quote my pm"

while a post gets shoved into drafts , never to get the public attention of people.
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random thoughts and quotes thoughout the past week
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"Shut up bryan"(Kerriann in choir when Bryan was being a nuisance to me, nice joking about my awareness of Evelyn absence. LoL it was funny , yet not so funny also...)
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Choir interviews about commitment and stuff , been slanted more to BB this year, thanks to ppl like Tim,K,Wesley,XL, Amanda,Christine , Charles Ng, John Tay, Russell see, Jun Yu,Malcolm, and many others for inspiring or motivating me to put more time into BB in different ways, big or small.
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and gray sky with dark showers....
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And Westlife emo songs to complement the day
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and looking back though old chat logs , particularly one in Feburary 19,
"...don't blame u wadsoever for wanting to hate me..."
"... the position you're in.. is really really difficult.. i don't think i'd be able to do wad u didd...."
I guess in your position it wasnt that easy to say that to me either at that time.
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and yet I still dunno... ...
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snapping at each other by comparing guitars and commenting about who is the better player?
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seriously where is the love then? the love of Christ. the brothery love?
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and I ask a direct question straight to the face....
"whats the meaning of "nice Quote my pm" "
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and you dont give me a straight answer...
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why? what has happened?
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while a lack of appeitite returns again ,wave at tim,... and the sudden desire to observe Koi at a wet bench..., or stand in the middle of the bridge in the pouring rain...
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while its a quiet day , without "digusting stupid boy" being splattered at my face with Evelyn's absence.
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yet ... ...
You Lord should be above my emotions,
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yet the tears which never fell are ever ready to fall with a unit vector of k.
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And a sister going for second op to remove ovarian cyst again. not Cancer please... no
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when you hate yourself for ......

Maker of heaven and Earth

I lift up my eyes to the hills where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
(Psalm 121:1-2)

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while the sadness and depression have come back and XL of late has been very nice to me..... giving me the cold shoulder
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Its not fair... I didn't do any wrong to you? Even when my feelings were bruised badly the last time i forced myself not to hate you, and hated myself instead.
Even you you get peeved off at my blog posts...
whatever lor...
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sighz ,
sometimes its hard for me to understand
why we pull away from each other so easily even though
we're walking the same road
yet we build dividing walls between our brothers and ourselves...

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even while the calling to stand up to be frontliners
a hesitant me
yet a resolution that I will put God first, and He will promise to take care of my worries.
Give me faith and strength Lord

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Maker of heaven and earth
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Verse 1
When the fire has gone dim
And when the shadows seem to consume all within
when You seem so far away to be seen
Lord give me strength to believe
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That You are still in control
and You still are with me
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Chorus
So I lift up my eyes to the hills
Lord where does my help come from?
My help come from You the Lord of all
Maker of heaven and earth
Maker of heaven and earth
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Verse 2
Lord show Yourself to real to me
Would You open my eyes to see You.
Even when all that I can see
Is an army that has besieged me
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Lord show me Your chariots of fire
And would you light my fire once again.
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Bridge
And Lord You will keep me
Through all of my days
You watch over me
Night and Day
Lord give me Your Heart
and the eyes of Faith
To reach out to others
And let them be saved
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Chorus 2
Lord Maker of heaven and earth
You are my strength my help my fortress
You’re strong to deliver, Mighty to Save
Lord Maker of heaven and earth
Maker of heaven and earth.
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2007 Emil Ng
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Inspiration from Psalm 121 and 2 Kings 6:15-17

Catalyse and Antidote

Posting from school

Exams... results back...
Break down:
Math HL - 3
Chem HL - 3
Geog SL - 3
EA1_ SL - 4
Bio_ HL - 7
Chi B SL - 7
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Seriously.. YUCK...(or swap the Y for another alphabet to get a more yucky word)
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and no Leon Foo I wont lend you a mouse to play CS(See Ass)
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Catalyse to depression yet antidote as well? does that make sense?
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I wonder
while a completed Grp 4 project done over the wee hours of monday morning gets deleted by accident :(
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yet an msn personal message:
in the good times and bad. You are God alone!
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and feeling worst after a catalyse
yet happy again the next for an antidote
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yet... I will run to You.... a memory of several prayer meetings done over an earlier part of the year in BB. And yet that song in FireAC on monday, when I was leading a unprepared worship session, leading by what God was inspiring me to sing.
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Or was it a stray glance?
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I wonder...
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yet my emotions arent anything.... its all about you Jesus...
in the good times and bad. You are God alone!
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I dunno, the resolution is cast.
yet... to restrain the other part of me that wants more.
----
beneath the number of sad ppl hugging one another, and emoing... and well...
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ok...
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nevermind... You still are with me and You remain faithful.
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Thank God for everything no matter what happens... You alone are still God no matter where I am ...
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Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In Quietness and Trust

Passion

while the soberness come back, still not depressed , just normal...
when the message that J ng gave finally sank in
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when... it seems to be all about us?
we seem always to ask for revival...
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we know in our heads that revival is supposed to be a "good thing"
yet...
Give us a Heart that seeks You Lord and desires You to be glorified
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and for me forgive me when I've let my emotions take over me at times....
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Lord You are so much more... so much more than just what we can perceive, so much more than my emotions...
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Lord we are so weak... Lord we need You, Your empowerment
Empower us not for Your Glory But Yours
all Honor and Glory to You
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and Passion, I want my passion back and more than that Lord , I want more, so much more.
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to cry out for more of You
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"You said Seek Your face
Your Face Lord I will seek"(ps 27)
"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. "(2 chron 7:14)
"Seek first the kingdom of God"(matthew 6:33)
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if I were to look at my spiritual diary, both the Blog and the a hardcopy book(which I never use)
these were the words God has been trying to tell me, to tell us for so long.
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yet blinded by my emotions, not listening, or forgetting about them
Forgive me Lord.
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as J Ng put it " if Revival happens no body will think twice about FireAC, God will be glorified"
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no longer let it be just a compilation of programmes and stuff, more than that, give us all the passion and fire we need
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send Your annointing and empowerment
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yet Lord... why? ... why so tied down still.
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more than fanciful words on a blog that seems to always talk about my emotional problems...
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Change my heart oh Lord
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and use me though I am weak... but Lord , You , Lord are everything I need
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Convict me once again.
-

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-=All Honor and All Glory=-

all honor and glory to You only

Hope

_{Love Faith} Hope
(1 Cor 13:13)

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...those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
(Isaiah 40:31)
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much happier today,
though bouts of loneliness still come... though...
and the fact that simple interactions with ... can determine my mood ... is quite stupid
but as Tim said no point hurting myself...haha thanks Tim
I shall Dao no more.
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there is a Hope of salvation in Christ
Hope--> peace and Joy
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A hope that God would move....
Empower, enlighten, annointing(unction)
Give us Your passion and Heart Lord
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while a Mr Tim Lim Less Geog classes in 5.10 again for 1 hour.
with a Tessa Guitar with horrible intonation. (hmmm the 12th fret gives me F instead of E ?)
a Taylor Guitar
and the cards to waste time away.
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yet I forced myself to be happy at first
then I forced myself to not dao... and a smile I haven't seen for some time..
and need not force myself to be happy after that.
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and a Gina Ong lesson with a happy Emil, a puzzled Tim, and an irritated Evelyn.
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and a break with appeitite
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and a slack PE
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and a FireAC meeting with J Ng , ...
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and a slacking in BB primers room
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and a XL again...
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maybe XL's just like that... , either that or I'm being too sensitive
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and 3 ppl with guitars on their backs, an Emil Taylor, an XL thinline and a Tessa Guitar on D chng back
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and Tim calling XL and ... lol
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and the long tiring bus ride Back

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Still
"Seek first the kingdom of God ..... and all these things will be given to you as well"
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there is Hope in the Lord
that brings Joy
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Rarr Flame On haha
=)
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And lets hope this happy streak lasts
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Thank God for a good day .

Faith

2nd post today
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so many things on my mind,
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so many things to pray for ... and sometimes I feel so selfish... a matter of spending so much time asking God about my own problems , while forgetting to pray for others... and forgetting about others as well... when life seems so... dependent upon emotions and thoughts, upon the one thing that plagues the mind all the time, while forgetting at times that God will take care.... a lack of faith, so to speak.
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"Seek my face"(Psalms 27:8)
"Seek first the kingdom of God...."(Matthew 6:33)
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while an unproductive 4 hours without lessons ...
the Evelyn's "Emil you crazy stupid disgusting boy" factor was high today.
1) Though the rain to the water cooler
2) Splashing rain water at Garreth/Tim
3) Twisting John Tay's face like a rubik's cube
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yet beneath the stupid smile....
for a fact that behind craziness lies an Emil who's so ... sad and lonely... a terrible loneliness ...
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going down to SAC looking for food... and yet having no appetite... and the lure of the piano, the ultimate expression of ones emotion, yet a noisy crowded SAC... not very conducive
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memories of a certain Saturday after Koinonia ... Who am I? ..
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and sitting on a wet bench gazing at Koi opening and shutting their mouths... a red white and black kaleidoscope of colors ... and emotions... as I watched ...as someone walked past... indifferent yet...
or maybe its just me...
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while abusing Chuzzles in TOK free period, momentary escapism
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a time of walking out in chem lesson, and .... yet an instinctive divertion of eyes away... why?
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and hopping up skipping to a whiteboard to draw a pink flower C^RC^W cross punnet square.... yet...
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while tim interprets my crazy mood... agrees to talk to me again.... time in Wah chee... chicken rice,with anything... to fill a famished stomach deprived of food.
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and yet words fail me to describe the emotions... ... yet a resolution is needed...
just be friends... the original resolution in feburary...
"I'll rather have 2 friends than no one at all"(refering to discarding the negative emotions towards XL)
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and yet I dont want to dao yet it has almost become instinctive...its so hard to talk...
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the only words, a quiet "thank you" after holding the point 10 classroom door open for a group of them, the .10 bio students, the lesson after that happenned to be a Mr Tim Lim Less Geog lesson.
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And yet XL can talk better than I can now, mending the broken bridges, while I errect walls at my side...
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why?
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I am sick of posting in purple.
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yet again the option of purging emotions by admitting them to her remains open, yet... I dont dare to take it ...
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Lord give me Faith
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while the troubled mind of mine makes 2 transportation blunders back home, first by taking MRT the wrong direction, then thinking so hard that I miss my bus stop, falling asleep 1 stop before the stop I was supposed to get off.
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and yet other worries beside these things... too many to list down...
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the red Chair that has become wet with water, and became half gray , yet uncomfortable due to the wettness of the seat , like a wet bench beside Koi. The Warm and wet seat.
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Dont spit me out... Give me Your Grace, and like the way Elijah called fire unto wet stones, send Your Fire on me, once again.

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Praise You in the Storm - Casting crowns
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....As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"...
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....Though my heart is torn,
I will praise You in the storm......
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...I lift my eyes unto the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, maker of heaven and earth.....
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Love

Through Your Love

Verse1
Enter into your presence
broken, yet made whole in You
A heart that seeks to find You
To see you face to face

Chorus :
Through Your Love
there is no condemnation
Through Your Love
We are made whole
And through Your Love
We can come to You
and Lord we want to thank You
For Your Great love
and Lord we want to praise You
For Your Great love

Tag:
I will sing of Your Love (x2)

Verse 2:
In the furthest end of the ocean
In the darkest storms of life
Your Love still surrounds me
There is nowhere I can hide
Because…

Bridge:
I will sing of your Love
I will sing of Your Love
Cause You my God You’re for me
and nothing will ever part me
from Your Great Love

Emil Ng 2007

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because nothing can ever seperate me from Your love
a simple quiet slow song
and sort of because of ... emotions ... that I wanted to write out this song , about God's love, so amazing, just to remind myself...
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Inspiration drawn from:
Psalms 27:8
Romans 8
Psalms 139
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and I still have a piano piece to score for FOA
give me inspiration ...

"Good afternoon boys and girls"

"No madam, you should say good afternoon boys and girls"(Jillian in Bio class)
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School starting proper after the exams today... ...
while times of the weird horrible sensation that plagued me after HL math paper, grinning like an idiot but feeling so hollow and terrible inside during math and chem classes in the morning...
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and calling a timetable a periodic table in chem class... an evidence that my heart wasnt with me...?
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forcing myself not to peer into the 5.10 class room while walking past it, a bad habit I've developed for sometime already...
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yet gazing from a distance at the backs of a group of 5.10 ppl chatting animatedly while going for recess. P J G A
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Its hard both ways... ... the forcing and not forcing... the emotions still come...
I guess trying not to think of something is impossible,
Its like commanding a person " don't think of a pink elephant with green polka dots"
or for my case "..., banana milkshakes, milo pengs, torn shirt sizes,"
or maybe the idea is :
"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things...."
(Philippians 4:8)
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ok i give up trying to avoid thinking.... thinking is stupider than TOK
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Bio lesson
my favorite class since Janurary, due to a number of reasons.
yay after being forced to not attend Bio because of choir, finally can attend =)
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Ruma's Pronunciation Guide(RPG)
(Genetics edition)
Genotype: Jen-No-type
Phenotype :Fen-No-type
Allele: Air-li-li/Air-lil (alternate between versions)
Percent: Per-sont
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and sitting on the floor today like primary school kids... which lead to the quote earlier on
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bringing back the old hazy faded memories of primary 1 and kindergarden...
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while the sit on floor concept left free room for eyes to roam,
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stray glances, yet...
times to see eyes looking in my direction, which snap back to the front the instance my eyes hit there...
and yet no smiles.. no words, nothing...
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avoiding...on my part... is starting to really suck... ... when its successful it sucks more...
I give up... ... maybe Tim is right ... I dont want this way
what way then?

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ACJC CF/FireAC/ACS(I) IBWS CF meeting
worship...
There is a longing only You can fill...
...take me deeper... deeper in love with You
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...so take me as you find me,
all my fears and failure
fill my life again...
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with the crazy ACJC ppl... haha i get what you mean Jack...
yet... after the happy feelings fade off, on the bus alone back home...
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the loneliness is still there...
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Lord be ever so close to me, I really need You...
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...This is my cry , my One desire
Just to be with You Lord ,
Now and forever....
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yet I wonder whether what I'm doing is what God wants me to be doing....that nagging sensation comes back.... or is it just me struggling against my own will?
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I wish I knew the answers... ...
maybe squeezing emotions in a box isnt the way to go? I wish I knew...

Tickle me Emo

_{*Disclaimer: For those who think I absoulutely blind and deluding myself in some of the previous posts, these posts are a random jotting down of thoughts and feelings that comeby, and not a sane rational conclusion. It seems that I tend to blog when I'm feeling irrational though.
Apologies for those who were worried for my sanity}

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...when I'm blind to my way ,
there Your Spirit will pray,
As You Open my eyes to the work of Your Hands...
...In my life Your will be done...
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title courtesy of one of Kenneth Youtube Videos
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And I didnt expect to see you here today, caught me off guard
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New primers room to hang out in (old debate room)
of picnic tables and iPod dock ....and a crowd gathering round Kenneth's Laptop... a few stray glances ... and an evaporation of the happy streak I had when the emotions came back and I painfully squeeze it into a box...
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and XL snapping at me, ...dont irritate me..., Math seems to shorten people's tempers, or something else?
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(感情的事是不可以勉强的) the lousy cliche Chinese drama serial quote...
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I wish I could throw away the emotions, and leave it be, a good friendship not barried by emotional rubbish on my side... rather than a case of awkwardness and Msn chats(a negation of body language which I really suck at).
and trying to dao doesnt work, and gething daoed also sucks eitherway
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why do I dao?
To avoid that crushing feeling of suppressed emotions
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TNT dynamite? Right, "I dont want to give you false hope" thats hope for me?
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yet...
"I will take care, do what you think you should do (an up to you?)"
"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be given unto to you"
"My Grace is Enough"
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somehow even though chances are, ... isnt blind, yet I wonder what damage a confession would do, to purge out my feelings and let it be.
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I cant talk to XL about it
I talked too much to Tim about it
I dare not talk......to ......
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Bad idea emil...
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Yet there is alway God to confide in and talk to.

Pictures of the Past year

After the longest "happy streak" I had for a long time since yesterday , despite Tim being a wet blanket.
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the reality of school sinks in.... oh no.... Geog exam tmr, and grp4 proj to complete and tok essay and IOP and....
nmind...
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While deciding to upload pictures via picasa to the Web, picasa makes freewebs seem like a joke.
http://picasaweb.google.com/BB12thcoyPics/BoysBrigade2007FirstHalf
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so many pictures, 456+ on BB alone
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and So many .... memories...
and crazy times we had
and... so many photos, did I subconsciously take them?
each bringing emotions and memories.
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a picture of note.
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1st picture-Tim swinging this plastic bag of food at Aranda Country Club
Primers briefing for the year
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Vultures
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Rules
1. Saturdays are for BB
2. ...................................
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And Kenneth telling me about FireAC after all that.
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and the picture taken at 3rd Feb ,
and the picture taken at 16 feb,
and more...
eitherway
geog exam tmr
sian...

Another reminder from God

Even after the "hopeless depressing" post of yesterday
yet God decided to send me a few reminders today in church
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the song, Saviour king, sung today in JY worship
....Hope which was lost, now stands renewed....
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A reminder of God's calling in Plunge camp last year in a video shown
....I have decided to follow Jesus...
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And Matthew 6:25-34, part of the sermon verses
In QT during WoW I came across this passage, and yet... back then i wasnt sure about ....
and I forgot about it for a long time....
....do not worry about your life....(v25)
....But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you ....(v33)
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Its all about Jesus.
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a reminder to me... that God will take care...
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... a resolution soon? ...
Your will be done... and You be glorified in the end of it all.
maybe... things will be different after the last exam paper(geog)?
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left church with a lighter heart and feeling much happier...
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thank You Lord, for being there for me always
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And time for me to relight the fire again...