pink room, pink tiles

it seems that everything works by Newton’s 3rd law
-
Actioni contrariam semper et æqualem esse reactionem: sive corporum duorum actiones in se mutuo semper esse æquales et in partes contrarias dirigi.
For a force there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions.
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the more I try to move nearer, the further it moves away
the more I try to break apart, the nearer it goes
-
forces working in opposite direction

---

I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my resolves
if this keeps on
-
but having spent so much time these few days in peoples company
it seems that I’ve forgotten that I didn’t want to care
-
and its not on her behalf
-

---

I said I’ve let go
but no one ever said letting go involved flinging it far away
-
so does it mean it’s still is allowed to float around and taunt me?

---

on the other hand
if I let time take its course
-
God will know what to do right?
-
it seems like I wanted to say it myself
and attribute the words to someone else instead
-

---

I’ve built so many facades over myself
I dunno who’s the real me now?
only you 2 know
but even so I’ve never revealed everything to both of you eitherway
-
because I don’t know how you would respond...
-

---

being in uncomfortable circumstances
I just don’t know how to feel about it...

Differences

when we comment about things of the past and present
-
like gummy bears in SMU orientation
-
but what makes me think I should trust the person who made my NS hell for me?
-

---

he talks a bit about what happened after the February of 2007
-
about some things not worth mentioning which XL never told me about...
-
in the past I guess
but he concludes
“not the kind of person you would want”
-
I drew my conclusion for that a few months long ago
-
just another reason to not regret that choice?
even though it was just the past
-
but I should not judge a person... only God can
-
but I still hope and pray
that one would make the right choices in the end...
-

---

He moves on
asks about somebody else
-
and eggs me on to do something I told myself not to do
I give my reasons
-
he stills brushes them off...
“LDR” he says
-

---

somehow it also strange
when he implied ugliness of the latter
-
i was really mad
-
when Lei said the same about the former today
I didn't really care as much
-
I wonder if that says anything about myself...

---

to the world
the immediate gratification is a important thing
satisfy the carnal needs and desires
-
but I know the God has placed a time and season for everything
and He makes everything beautiful in His time
-
so I guess in His time He will provide
So is there a point listening to a person I labelled an accuser(satan), now tempting me?
-

Darling dear me

people change overtime
for the better, or for the worse
-
so do I
-

---

the choice of words one uses can have impact upon people
-
somehow, like it was a dig against what I used to be
-
because it reminds me of a time where I used to think my world revolved around you
and merely being addressed in such endearing manners would mean a lot
-
for now, I simply go into defensive...
because I took so much pain and trouble to convince myself that you were not worth it
-
that feeling hurt because I felt that the things you did, the clothes you wear
are what God hates...
-
and I don’t want to go back to where I was before...
besides, I never really meant much to you anyway...

---

little drops of sarcasm and indifference to the stupid jokes cracked
-
now that you somehow have concluded that I’ve ‘switched targets’ from you
and now am ‘terrorising’ someone else other than you
-
its easy to laugh it off, because it definitely wasn’t like the way it was with you
except a little awkwardness at times, there is always a limit to how close a friend can be...
-
but somehow like the harry potter in Half-blood prince
the emotion that calls itself jealousy sometimes manifests itself it ways I cannot understand
-
I can trick and persuade my intellect...
but I cant trick my emotions...
sadly
-

---

I cannot become too attached to either one of you
since both of you will be going separate ways soon
-
moving on to make new friends and life on a whole
-
but I still want to spend as much time as I can with you all while I can
because you both mean a lot to me... as precious friends I have poured my heart into...
-

---

and someday, even if we never see each other in this life on earth
-
I pray, we will stand before God in the day of judgement righteous before Him
-
and worship Him together and thank Him for the times He has blessed us with

You are the one I want...

---

I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been thinking of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

[Chorus]
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only see by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want

When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song

You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want

Giftings

Throughout the past 3 years... as I served in various school ministries...
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BB, FireAC, Choir,
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I have been encouraged in various ways, after each of the many sessions of worship I lead in these sessions,
-
when someone comes up to me and says that God really touched them as I ministered to them through the songs
-

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simply, I never really understood
-
how is it that God can use me, a vessel so unworthy, to minister to people through the worship songs
-
after all many times, I feel as if I’m simply going through the motions of ‘doing what I usually do’
-
seeking after God before starting out in worship
coming clean before Him
and inviting his presence into the midst of us
-

---

of course when i first started out
-
I never really have an idea what i was doing
after a number of lessons learnt along the way
I sort of understood what corporate worship encompasses
-

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Today as I, for the first time, lead the children in the Sunday school(Gracestar) to sing songs while playing acoustic... Auntie Cynthia was leading them in prayer and actions
-
it was nothing particularly special... me as a vocalist and instrumentalist, with Yelin singing as well
-
but today was different... it wasn’t the same like the past few instances seeing the sian sian faces of the kids
-
it was as if they really wanted to worship God today...
-

---

perhaps worship, leading worship in particular
not just wielding a guitar or keyboard
-
perhaps that really is God’s gifting for me
and where He is calling me to...
-
I wonder...

Living on His Mercy and grace

essentially
-
somehow God has been very faithful to me
-
a lot of times I could have gotten into trouble and all that
but so far, He has delivered me from all these...
-

---

yet I wonder
is it possible to take for granted the grace and mercy He shows us?
-
after all He is a God of justice as well
-

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somehow all of us in one way or another show this sinful, bad quality
-
we, like Peter, deny Christ, sin against Him, and drag His Name in the mud over and over again
-
yet, how, that God could, as far as the east is from the west, remove our sins? (Ps 103:12)
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God is Love... a Love that adds value to worthlessness
-
A Love beyond reason indeed...

Conflict

personal commitments i make
-
they always seem to be clashing with everything else
-

---

physical discipline is easiest to manage
-
mental discipline is hard though
-

---

I worry
about everything
even though I know worrying doesn’t make a difference
-
I worry where to go after army
-
I worry that I’ll end up distancing myself from particularly close friendship built over the past few years
esp when I stay here, and they go...
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I know God tells us that we don’t gain anything by worrying
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even the sparrows have food, the flowers bloom and are clothed
-
but its hard not to think about it
-

Expectations

when you give much to something
-
isn’t more often than not you expect much back in return?
-

---

so when I gave my heart to a person
and when I didn’t get it back, it definitely hurt
-
when I gave my commitment to an organisation
and it rejected me, it definitely hurt
-
but, now, if I give my trust to someone?
I wonder...
-

---

like I said
I probably expect too much sometimes... ...

Disappearing into Indifference

somehow thats what I have become of late
-
indifferent to everything around me
-
whether it be to arguing with Kenneth and not really caring about it
-
Or ignoring something that would have made me very concerned a few months back..
even though I know how it feels, if the issue is really about oco...
I had my turn one week before Enrollment parade
-
“we have enough, we dont need you”
I knew it was just a lame excuse... but back then it hurt a lot
-
imagine 6 years of life in this ministry
3 nights of going home at 3am in the morning...
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and you tell me you don’t want me
even though you said God equips the called and not vice versa
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after all the bible does tell us that we are like jars of clay
and Jesus is the treasure within...
although we are weak, He makes us strong
-
something I thought set the organisation apart
was the notion of Christ centered-ness
“the advancement of Christ Kingdom among boys”
-
but really, maybe its just changed to be the “youth organisation of choice”
ran secularly and all that...
essentially lost focus... just another UG competing with scouts and all there is out there...

---

I know I have a lot of characteristics that are my weakness
-
be it impulsive, short tempered,
-
But I also know “God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” (1 Cor 1:27)
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Jesus also said:
“And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it will be more bearable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that town.”(Matt 10:14-15)
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a need to move on I guess... for now at least...
which I have done in part... church music ministry...

---

indifference seems to be a pretty effective way to protect myself
if you don’t get emotionally involved, you cant get hurt after all...
-
somehow I only left 2 friends that I can really trust and can confide with most stuff
just that both of them would be going overseas soon
sigh
-

---

-
maybe its time I got back to God... asked Him to fill my life again
-
after all, indifference is just a form of escapism
-
Trusting that He makes all things new in His time...

disintegrations

bitterness is what is left when one tries to cut off everything
-

---

In the past:
“I don’t want her to become hurt more than necessary”
“you’re not the one to be the one who helps her, you can only trust God that if she does fall, He’ll be the one who picks her up”
-
I’m not in any position to dictate how people should run their lives
whether I think its right or not, dressing, lifestyle, anything...
even if I care for them...
-
I still care, yet I cant...
because I have to let go, I cannot hurt myself anymore
-
so maybe by doing so
I end up hecking everything... “I dont care” attitude
even though deep down, I probably still care...
-

---

Like today:
“go shelter her” (John)
“I need to pass you your specs, never mind she wont want anyway, you go shelter her”
-
comparing to 6 months ago, where I simply didn’t care about myself...
leaving the comfort of a room out to pouring rains for her sake
-

---

and everyone seems to think I’ve somehow ‘switched targets’
-
which isn’t really true... close intimate friendship does not equate romantic interest...
-
I have no interest in getting attached at the moment...
not until I’ve grown more emotionally mature to handle it...
-
just that the lot of you simply want to make things awkward for your entertainment
esp. someone who seems to take it upon her self as her duty to “protect”
-
well at least I managed to enjoy a nice day with tim,
while all you know how to do is make things awkward...
-

meekness

something I think I lack now...
ability to control my emotions
-

---

-
was forced to relive a string of unpleasant memories today
-
due to the excess of free time forcing everyone to have to talk about their “love lives”
-
so maybe I just had to talk about whatever happened in Y5 and leave it as that
-

---

sigh, people I know who could help me forget and move on
-
but maybe not facing up to it is simply running away
-

---

I know perfectly well
I can never ever end up committing my emotions fully to another person until I’ve dealt with my past
-
but I wish I could... sometimes...
-
cringing at the thought of clubbing and drinking
and “going wild”
as how I remember how Charles said before, near a Seah Im hawker centre
-
sigh
maybe that’s why it was never meant for me

---

-
maybe I could retain the naive thinking
drawing closer to God, leading to who He would give
-
simply waiting for the right time and not jump unto it
a laughable idea to everyone else...
-
give me faith to believe that...
faith built upon the Rock, which is sure and steadfast

---

and regarding the thing everyone keeps bugging me about...
-
I am not looking for something along that lines,
if I was I wouldn’t try in that way
“terrorising”
-
since “I’m not emotionally ready” eitherway
-
think along the lines of how she once told me to “stop bullying tim”

My little Home Studio Setup

Thought I“ll show off a bit today =)
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Picture:

​
Equipment:
AT2020 Cardioid Condenser microphone
Alesis Multimix 6 FX
M-Audio Firewire Audiophile (Grats to Kevin)
Logic Pro 8

Instruments:
Yamaha PSR E405 - via USB midi
Taylor 314CE
Baby Taylor (not in picture)
Fender American Highwayone Telecaster
Maestro UC-20 Ukulele
Yamaha Upright Grand Piano (not in picture)

Wishlist:
Drum machine
Bass Guitar
Electric Amps (although Logic Guitar amp Pro is really good enough for now)
Yamaha USB Studio Controller 88 keys/ KORG K88
Logic Mackie Controller
Rack Mount Pre-amp units
Classical guitar(my sis sold my previous one =( )

Current capabilities:
Up to 4 channel recording (via sound card / interface)
Up to 6 channel monitoring (2 via sound card, 4 via interface)

Hydraulic Rooms

idle conversations
-
an attempt in assimilating me into everything
-

---

“Emil is not interested in girls”
-
“are you gay?”
-
“I’m not gay, I’m just not obsessed, I don’t think its right...”
-
“are you a guy or what?”
-
and HQ had to speak...
-
“he never ... anyway”
-
while HHHu asked about it
-
with my defiant answers that HQ was making rubbish claims
-
which were true
just not in the way they thought it meant
-

---

-
all these interrogations
-
in the midst of more other stuff...
when you keep insisting of pushing a point which may not be true to begin with
-
I find that it becomes harder to firmly decide that its not true
after all there really isn’t anything hard about making it true
just my choice NOT to...
-
heh, and you really have double standards anyway
-
I just wish I could talk to Tim... =(
talking with other close friends just isn’t the same =/
-

Looking for a saviour

today as Simon shared
-
a reminder
-
“if we had one wish that meant everything to us”
“we spend all our time chasing after it”
-
“but we either suffer crushing disappointment if we fail”
“or have a temporary euphoria that last for a while, before we realise it cannot fill”
-
“we all have a God shaped hole in out hearts”
“Jesus is the only thing in which when you fail, He will forgive you”
“and if you get, He will fulfil you”
-

---

in contrast, Hollywood morals, the movie I watched today
love, sex and marriage
-
the most important thing to them

---

sigh
-
lets say if I really do get over being hurt so badly...
but that hurt is so painful
that I don’t want to be hurt again
-
say if that was true in both ways
but it would just be temporary euphoria anyway
not how Hollywood portrays it
-
and either way nothing lasts
even the few sweet wrappers in my wallet, the yellow card in my room will probably go away too
-
only Jesus will...
-

Moral Reversals

I remember, in the months following the February of 2007, I had a series of bizarre or unsettling dreams/nightmares involving the issues that i was struggling with at that time...
-
i somehow seem to remember one of them quite clearly... the pretext was some mini-calandar meeting?
-
when somehow it seemed as if i didn’t care about the other for another
let you have it while I settle for something else...
-
maybe it was a reflection or foreshadowing of my present state...
or struggle to set my thoughts straight
-

---

in army there are a lot of reverse morality, like how in King Lear we studied how virtue was made crime... how evil was made into good and good evil
-
same here
where idle talk and lewd language are made right
and excommunicating one from the group wrong
-
where being civil and pleasant no longer becomes a granted
but where “no one owes you a right to be nice to you”
-
where everything is okay, except don’t get caught
sigh
-
resisting assimilation into reverse morals
is hard...

---

I wonder how a piece of white cloth can have any significance...
something I have too
something I used to wear
-
but I don’t even know what my thoughts are... now
-

moving on to the future...

-

---

Disney movies...
-
a memory
when you wish upon a star...
the stuff that kids grow up happy with...
-
“I feel so happy,”
“but some wishes don’t come true... sigh”
looking at two other people in front of me
-

---

you wonder what happens as we move on
-
go our separate ways... whether to army. to UK, to Canada, to Uni, to wherever in the world
-
Would we forget...?
-

---

maybe why my time with you is so precious to me
-
while I also wish i had more time with tim
-
sigh...

I remember

how I told God a year ago
-
that it was worth giving up everything...
about how I felt about stuff
-
for the sake of a friend’s salvation
-

---

well it wasn’t the same thing I expected
-
but yeah...
i guess its good too... that they did find God
eventually
-
awesome

---

on the other hand about today
-
I find it very amusing that the 2 of you(LM, Eve) want to so called “protect” your ‘girlfriend’ away from me...
stay away from her you say
haha
-
heh
I wouldn’t have said the same thing 2 years ago during bio study...
but i guess that’s because its different
haha
-
highly amusing you aren’t keen of keeping me away from another person... not like it matters anyway...
-

---

its strange haha...
sorting out thoughts...
-
I wonder if there really is a difference between mind and state of mind...
-
like the whole Plato cave analogy... what you think it is isn’t what it is...

you have NO RIGHT

to call any of my friends ugly or anything
-
esp. the one you mentioned today
-

---

insult me all you want
but leave it at that
-
don’t ever talk nasty things about other people you don’t even know
-

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I dunno how on earth can a person be as UGLY in character as that...
-
RARRR... wish I could squash you like an ant...

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for the record, I’m not referring to any of the people outside my camp

River flows in You

-
I heard this first in played with the SAC piano
-
in choir room - Shawn
-

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sigh... past memories again...

something evidently is wrong

when the beating pace quickens
when the thoughts shift
thoughts...
-

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this isn’t the way its supposed to work
or is it bound to happen?
-
Catharsis

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wait wait wait... ...