Cost

"...I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in Him..."(Philippians 3:8-9)

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I remember the vision the ministry, to stir up revival, at the cost of EVERYTHING, grades, successes, emotions...

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and the thoughts that come which are to be put to death...

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more than a year later, i look back.... I have lost a lot, not because of service, not because of i did something to contribute...

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but because of circumstances beyond my control, and because of some wrong choices i made

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not like I was not expecting that... but I cannot be too bitter about it...

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I realise what has been making me so tired... is the fact that I have to consistently deny myself, my thoughts, my pride, my emotions... anything that does not glorify God

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and its really tiring....

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and yet I have yet to see something spectacular happen yet, if it does come, it would be worth it all...

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"...The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.

Blessed be the name of the LORD...."(Job 1 : 21)

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In the end when all is said and done, it does not matter... nothing matters , except that I am loved by God... even when insults are hurled at me, even if what i do goes unappreciated, even if I'm not given any respect whatsoever...

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I have a feeling, I still have more to lose...

but God, will I have something for once, that it may glorify Your name...?

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"For My ways are not your ways, and My thoughts are not yours"(Isaiah 55:8)

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"...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future..."(Jeremiah 29 :11)

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but again.. sometimes I just want to heck everything , throw restrain to the wind, and rebel against the constraints I put up myself, think the way I want to think, do the way I want to do...

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"No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."(Luke 9:62)

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