Unrequited love

you realised that a number of peoples blogs have touched upon this touchy issue on BGR relationships and love, and I guess, its been "hot" topic for many of us, in Y5 after 4 years( some 10 years) of being stuck in the monastery of ACS.
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I guess I could finally do mine, but on a more specific issue, in a sense I wont be talking from a perspective of only 1 side of it, but both sides
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Unrequited love, what is it?

we look at wikipedia's defination:
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Unrequited love is love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and mood swings such as swift changes between depression and euphoria.

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the issue to note for this is, that love cannot be forced, the cliche chinese drama serial quote:
感情的事是不可以勉强的
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even God cannot force us to love Him, because love is a choice, if we had no choice , we cannot love
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so you wonder, when a person makes a choice to love another, yet the other does not want to , what would it be for both him and her?
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of course the "lover" would be depressed, sad, emo, some even to the extent of suicidal, many would ask the question to God, "why did you allow such emotions to stir up in me?"
because while love is a choice, love is also a very strong emotion, song of songs puts it nicely:
"Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame."(song of songs 8:6)
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but for the other party what is it like?
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I remember last year, June, Khon Kaen, me and kenneth taking this group for English camp
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And kenneth set me up, and some how manage to get 2 of the girls to.... erm...
oh no
nice making kenneth's pig kissing me
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nice shoving food on my plate during meal times
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and getting stalked and cornered in the room, and using their handphones to take pictures
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erm...
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and i stupidly gave one of them my msn contact
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ok
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Decmeber trip( i didnt go) kenneth comes back with souvenirs
ok...

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Fastward to today
msn nickname of that thai girl
[c=63](M)*bgca      (@)(&)✞☺☻»-(¯`v´¯)-».....^(^(OO)^)^.......»-(¯`v´¯)-» L ٱ мع~ 한국어/조선어 -o- かほう♡♥
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and the psm,in thai, even more fishy when i translated it
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as tim put it nicely:
if I found out someone liked me:
1) I would be very happy if i liked the person back
2) I would be scared if i liked someone else
3) I would be okay(if neither of the cases above are true)
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if its case 2 for me?
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being freaked out..

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of course there are other cases perhaps of case 3
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I heard rumors in sec3 when I first joined GMC
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Fabian:
"hey *some girl from my church* says you are ugly"
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I was like, erm, so what? i dont even know her that well
and I overheard
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richie: " who is ******?"
Fabian:" some girl who likes emil"
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you know if you didnt like the person at first, yet you wonder, you get confused whether its possible to like the person back
even tho you didnt like at first, or what?
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of course things might get worst when you see the person being overtly friendly, or perhaps being too nice, presents, stuff like that
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for that case, it was merely some rubbishly rumor , it was sort of resolved the next year at LDP
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Fabian was again talking to richie:
Richie:" then how come they say she like him?"
Fabian:" because she kept talking about him.... blah blah blah"

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we get back to case of the lover
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somehow the lover would probally try to be nice to the other person, perhaps,giving lavish presents, and more.
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I remember Glynn talking about his case about going all the way down to the girl's workplace to deliver brownies during her birthday
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love desires to be shown, to want to make the person feel happy, in a hope that perhaps, one day, that love could be reciprocated,
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even for the case of God's love for the His people, how He delivered them, how He called them back to Him, how He showed the Cross.
Looking at the book of Hosea in the bible, and you can see a demonstration of that, to show God's love
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We love because He first loved Us (1 John 4:19 )
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Love cannot be forced, because Love is a Choice
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we can choose whether or not to love God
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and thats all I shall write for this post... a sharing of my thoughts

unfailing love...

remember, you’re not allowed to discuss the contents of the paper for the next 24 hours...
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therefore... i shall keep mum about math...

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its at times like these....
when I am constantly reminded
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of a God, who so loved the world
not for what good we were worth
but all for love...
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that He chose to became man
and died for us
that we may know Him
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the supreme sacrifice...
yet there are so many
who reject this gift of love
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I wonder... how does God feel at such blatant unrequitment of love...
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I learnt that
Love is never without choice
and
Love is never without sacrifice or commitment.
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Godly love in the bible is said to be agape... needless to say there is the famous chapter 13 of the 1st Epistle to the Corinthians, which gives us a lengthy description of what love is
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Love is patient
Love is kind
it is not self seeking...
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I learnt that
even the most God-fearing person
if you approach for Godly counsel
without first asking of God...
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will at most give good advice... not discern God’s will for you.
unless he prays with you, and is inspired by the Holy Spirit
because, to discern God’s will, there is a need to “seek, and you will find,”(Matt 7:7)(Deut 4:29)
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with regard to green light
many a time
God calls those who are willing to respond
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hence
many a time, He actually gives us a choice...
if we truly desire to serve Him in a particular ministry
and He does not close doors or clearly show a red light(as in the case of David in 2 Sam ) in a sense
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Go in faith and trust that He will take care...

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I made a choice, that was not done purely out of rashness or emotions
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although many a time I feel rather like a fool for sacrificing and giving so much of myself to it
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and many a times I feel disappointed and hurt...
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but since... this is where God wants to lead me, for now
whether or not it turns out the way I would want it to be
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I will go in faith and trust...

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on a afterthought
it seems that while stubbornness and determination actually mean almost the same thing(if you exclude the connotations)
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while determination gets you somewhere
stubbornness gets you nowhere
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lets hope I know what I’m doing...
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anyway today I ate the first ever bowl of ban mian in my life (lol)
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normally I’ll stick to you mian, but it doesn’t matter anyway haha...
not like i was very hungry, and I really didn’t know what to eat at first...

AC

they fired a chem teacher

AC... a large part of ACS

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ah well

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REW...

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one wonders

why?

sighz

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right from the beginning

I knew

what it meant

what it was to be

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MOE's secular policy

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I wonder

for the team from GMC doing DJW at MG

how it was for them

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and whether things could make an impact

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you know... lose my temper at my mum, being late to school(booked)

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I told God:

"the only thing at would probably make me in a good mood is to see people saved"

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yet i wonder

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God uses imperfect us as his instruments

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perfect God

when would You send revival, pour out Your spirit upon ACS

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"Is Jesus the only way?"

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"yes"

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"do all non-christians go to hell?"

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"that I cannot say, not sure...  Romans 2:6-7"
"God "will give to each person according to what he has done." 
To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. "

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*you just contradicted yourself

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Romans 2:8 But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.

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Romans 3:10-12

There is no one righteous, not even one;
there is no one who understands,
no one who seeks God. All have turned away,
they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one."

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based on a few premises
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1. God will only give eternal life to those who persist in doing good 

2. No one is righteous 

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based on these 2 premises, all will go to hell

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3. Jesus is the truth (you can choose to disagree, but Jesus taught with authority and truth, John 14)

4. Those who reject the truth will go to hell

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based on premise 3 and 4, all who reject Jesus(i.e. non-christians) will go to hell

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5. when we accept Jesus, He pays the price for us, and wipes our sin record clean

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Christians do not go to hell

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6. many who claim to be Christian do not have Christ

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not every person who claims to be a christian will not go to hell

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based on all these premises

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you can safely conclude

1) all who reject Christ go to hell

2) non-christians who has ever done evil(i.e. everyone) will go to hell

3) Some people who claim to be christians will go to hell

4) Christians don't go to hell

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one might question, if God is love how can He create hell. how can He hate?

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You cannot love

unless you hate what can hurt your beloved

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God gave a free choice(love is a choice, you cannot love unless you have a choice)

although He set the rules(sin = death)

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we can choose righteousness or sin( temporal pleasure)

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we can choose life or death

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ah well

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a beautiful song that was sung  on wednesday

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So You Would Come

Before the world began, you were on His mind

And every tear you cry is precious in His eyes

Because of His great love, He gave His only Son

Everything was done so you would come

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Nothing you can do could make Him love you more

And nothing that you've done could make Him close the door

Because of His great love, He gave His only Son

Everything was done so you would come

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Come to the Father, though your gift is small

Broken hearts, broken lives, He will take them all

The power of the Word, the power of His blood

Everything was done so you would come

Purine

Friendship...

the liberty of dong stuff, on a basis of friendship... without expecting back, just being friends... and stuff...

yet it seems unless I give up that small part of me that hopes for more... theres is a limit to how close a friendship can be... without awkwardness

I know... that.. while things did work out well... the choice made that would keep my eyes fixed upon God only... its nice to be able to wake up and think of God as my first thought in mind..

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yet... a part still hopes... yet God never tells me that it is wrong to hope...

yet I know people still swan on...(wes and alex had fun right? I wasnt too affected I guess... such things like being upset over that seem so trival now)

yet I know my choice well enough... seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness

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and I dont know what the end of year holds, what happens after that in the end...

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but I know... no matter what... God has a plan in mind for me and, it will come to pass

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and I know... God has something in mind for the school... before we leave... we shall see something... as we pass the flame to light up the next generation... 

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I somehow... know that while sometimes we tend to have a human view of things... good intentions that arent nessesary God's excellent thoughts...

yet I know... that God wants to move mightly... if we would be blameless before Him and make ourselves holy, and cry out to Him

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oh. for a moment i thought this was alex
haha

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do I sound like alex? lol... I was simply enquiring about advertising for fireAC and BB

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a new year card from Alex

excerpt:

"you need to know the difference between love and infatuation... you need to give up, its affecting your ministry"

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I know the difference... Love is patient,love is Kind... it does not insist on its own way.... (1 Cor 13)

and yes... if God intends, things will make a way... if not, well... good also... I mean... God knows best

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and I already made a choice...  lol

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I mean... I dont really have to tell everybody that I largely resolved the issue right? 

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I dont really liked being cut... I mean... John... I WOULD appreciate it, if you have a conviction to do something other than what I have in mind... tell me EARLIER... I mean... its kind of sucky to have prayed and prepared to do something... and you decide to suddenly cut me off without notice... pff

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Yong Lee Har the Bio teacher... lol...

1) she likes to digress a lot

2) either unto the grossest possible subjects... tiger penises and beehoon tapeworms

3) or to the sexual reproductive system .... like what the? nice viagra and other weird stuff

lol the girls were really grossed out

but i really wonder how on earth did digestion become sex?

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and it was really amusing to see maye's face when Mdm Yong was talking about the possible problem of peeing while ejaculating(while performing "the act") after a kidney stones operation

"you mean... ewww"

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lol

and Justin enquiring whether masturbating reduces the risk of prostate cancer

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"you do realise there are girls around?"(Mdm Yong)

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lol

so much for a first week back... the councilors and OGLs missing half the lessons... confusion behind reshuffled classes(lol the teacher that hates teddy bears{Maria Nathan} is teaching me)

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the CCA recuitment fair... lol the BB Primers booth was blocking the Touch rug people...

and we have a rather sneaky recuitment tactic

1)Shiny trophies attract girls

2) girls are interested... enquire what CCA it is, upon learning that is it is BB , attempt to walk away

3) Our female primers(petrina,evelyn, christine,leemin) go forth and grab and the girls get interested again(CAS, NYAA, Spirituality)... some are convinced and sign up

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of course there's the clincher:

"hmm I'm not sure leh..."(girl being talked to by petrina and a few other trying to persuade her)

"hello"(dan)

"oh I didnt know you're in BB also.. okay I'll join!"(girl)

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LOL

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oh well... work will pick up pace soon... LORD give me the strenght to face it, and work well

Choices

choices are many,...
yet few are right,
choices have consequences
choices ...
-love is a choice
you know, sometimes, we make stupid, or wrong choices and decisions, like some have chose to defile themselves with drugs or porn, or computer game addiction,(touch <3>
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yet God gives us the grace to pick us up
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yet sometimes, I wonder, we sometimes do this
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" I'll make this choice Lord, But if it goes wrong, you pick me up "
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"its like jumping into a pit and asking God to pull you out"(tim)
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yet if we choose to surrender our will to Him, and let Him make the choice,
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yet how do we know what His will , His choice is? after all, we still execute the choice
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about scissor stabs and the ridiculously exaggerated touch video,
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about people dozing off in bio class while ruma talked about error bars
-...that tired?... oh well

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choices, have consequences,...
some choices i made might have lost me a few friends i dunno,
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friendship is a beautiful thing, and you know, friendships, to me, are more valued than the other form of relationships that so many seek and want..., friendship need not be exclusive, yet... so many of us hanker after the exclusive one to one relationship with that special someone
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yet God with us,
what a Friend we have in Jesus
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yet
"you shall have no gods before Me",
"love the Lord with all your heart..."
Jesus I am so in Love with You
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Love is beautiful also, yet, like the most beautiful rose, there are thorns
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sometimes, maybe... knowing the way is about as important as knowing the destination, along the way, you have choices, and you need to make the right choices
-I don't think she was that blur,
"enter through the narrow Gate(destination) ... ...but small is the gate and narrow the road(way) that leads to life, and only a few find it."(Matthew 7:13-14)
-she knew all along..
show me Your way
-yet I wonder why? ...

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and me and tim, after our long spree of recording,
after the time I spent on mixing the sound
and uploaded them, not unto putfile.com
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but unto this site http://songs4him.wordpress.com/
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and I hope it will be a blessing to all of you.
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love is a choice

I have wrote this statement a number of times, in my blog over the past 1.5 years.

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and you cannot love, unless you have a choice... which is why God gave us a choice...

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friendship is a choice... and well...

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(password protected),

but I'll give the password to any friends who asks, just drop me an msn

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heh, I seem to be upsetting a lot of people lately

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sighs...

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Choices (part 2)

heh

the the book Tim passed to me, Choices...

regarding relationships and stuff... 

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I guess.... I heard complains about the primers challenge post.... okay I admit... while this blog is blatantly open about my thoughts, emotions and views... I know... perhaps I was exaggerating... perhaps I was being condescending...

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however... the truth, is that, relationships built upon the physical, the sensual, do not last... the physical smokescreen fades...  and you realise... you dont know the other person at all...

I dunno... the truth.... may hurt...  or maybe? I dunno... best not to cite examples... or people are going to kill me or something

hmm.... perhaps an innocence example... Matthew was sharing... about stuff... the other time... a relationship not built upon friendship... 

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rather a relationship built upon inner beauty, an appreciation of the person for who he or she is, and the acceptance of the faults, and flaws each person has... will last...

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foundation...

ground breaking? I remember a previous post... 

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In a conversation with Hannah:

"anyway 

outside appearance, material physical stuff 

in the end dont matter 

the heart is more impt , for a friend"

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and that's what I firmly believe in... whether for any form of relationships, the heart is more important...

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the heart counts the most... Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."(1 Sam 16:7)

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"as in it doesn't matter how well written it is... i suppose its the heart behind it that counts...."

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the choice of friends or relationships ... they should be built upon the basis of the heart.... not of outward appearance, condition and stuff...

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and finally

guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life(Proverbs 4:23)

and hold fast to God... in the book of Deuteronomy, the theme behind it

Love Him,walk in His ways,obey His commandments and hold fast to Him

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pff

today was tiring....

trying to be in 4 different places in one go is crazy

1. missions training in school

2. Church prac and BOTS

3. BBHQ BBQ( primer's challenge reunion)

4. Choir Dinner @ Suntec NUSS

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and it gets worst when poison is around... 

why cant you love God.... and Love thy neighbor.... God doesn't desire us to be disunited... 

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and even... can't even be nice enough to lead worship with me for God

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not for my sake, for God's sake and your sake... I don't lose anything by you being mean to me... but you lose out....why dont you realise that?

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I care for you as a concerned brother in Christ... yet

1 John 4:7-21

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the verse which is always quoted... but usually only the second part.... :

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8 

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I admit... I do have problems sometimes... the thing about it... esp if other people make it hard for me to love them... yet God loves them... so we need to love them...

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Give us grace to do so... Lord...

Water Testing

I guess... I might have pushed stuff too far on one hand... but i guess... I'm fine, I guess... 

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Lord grant me wisdom on these stuff... we make mistakes, and we learn from them

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but I guess... Joshua chapter 1

"I will be with you"

and all the other stuff I've got last year and combined... I know... God has something in mind after all, but:

Love is patient... is not self-seeking... always trusts , always hopes, always perseveres... love never fails...(1 Cor 13)

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while reading it in context is important...  I know...

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perhaps, patience, trust, hope, perseverance... learning all that... while remembering to put God first in everything

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God can take away everything that is precious to me...  but please don't be distant, please never let me not be able to hear You

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memories of singing this particular song during valentines day last year... choir project... i remember that week so vividly... I remember so many things...

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You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy, when skies are gray

You never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

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yet there is a greater sunshine above all, the light of the world,

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Jesus

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yet as pastor spoke today about Joshua 1:9 and he mentioned... sometimes we want something more tangible, and more easily felt

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to say... I'm not affected by the issue anymore isn't really the truth... to say I largely got over it would be better, but there is always that small part... and I really dunno

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I wish that... the choice whether it is necessary to squash the last bit of myself is necessary... was clearer... and if not so? does hanging on to it have any benefit whatsoever... from a purely utilitarian point of view?

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sighz... when one remembers the happiness that came about that sms... that got dampened after 'neth being even more pleased than me about the it... and

its not an easy struggle... resolute, yet it get more painful as time goes by... same way a thought fast worked... the initial part was easy, until much later

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surrender is not a one-shot thing, it is a continuous process... 

and you're not alone...

Accountability... for frontline today...

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anyway we had to share, the 2 of us... good friends since we meet in alpha in sec3, despite our school backgrounds, both from elite schools, ACS(I) and RI, both of us who been through quite some stuff in church for 2 years, in fact close to 3, and well... we some how, with our elitist personalities from coming from premier schools, we some how mixed quite well...

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Raphael...

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yet , when he started, to share more about simply the usual stuff we talk about... he already express views about being uncomfortable opening up more... I myself was  a bit too...

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I suspected... haha... and true enough...

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I sort of broke the ice... reminiscent of Tim's post... "what comes to mind when you have nothing to think about?"

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"people"

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"ha ha same for me... and its "girl" isn't it?"

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and the ice melted... and you realised, your struggles and the emotions, you are not alone...

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and very soon we both were laughing...  all the silly things we guys do... oh well ... and 

and lol the silly way girls respond also... roflmao

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oh no... haha

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in the end... God is enough,

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and the choices we make... and choices that special someone of us makes, we need to respect each other's choices.

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and yes... I just want to be friends... for now, because friendship is precious to me, i guess, i dunno if i show that i do like that special someone, i guess... I dunno if its alright? I do respect ppl's choices... and there is no need to feel bad about the choice one makes...  just walk closely to God, and know Him better... that is my prayer... for the people I care about...

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yet sometimes, yah... emo... a bad thing to do, bad emil ...

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I wrote a song some time ago, A Greater Love (Inspiration from John 3:16, 15:13)... in which I will refrain from posting the lyrics(think an XL blog's last song) except the bridge and chorus

it is a relatively emo song( not as emo as Xl's though) haha

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Disclaimer: its fun to write emo songs when you are not feeling emo :) so dont worry about silly Emil

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Chorus:

There is a greater love than this

that God would send His only Son

to die for our sins

and make us clean

There is no greater love than this

and I know when all is said and done

He loves me, and He loves her

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Bridge:

And maybe thats all I need to know

That the greatest love that He's shown

Is enough for me, and for her...

Malthus vs Baserup

Geography
Malthus vs Baserup Pessimist vs optimist
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while been leaning more to the left... a sad emotional person who doesn't know what to do and what he wants
why am I so afraid, If God is for me , who can be against me?
why do I feel so useless and pathetic ?
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is being optimistic a "false hope"
hope is the beginnings of disappointment
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A former optimist i was
till the ravages of life it toss
and shaken the life of mine
all my past failures all in line
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yet it also is the beginnings of something joyful and new
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So take me as you find me
All my fears and failure
Fill my life again
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Lord speak to me, be more real to me, I want hear Your voice, Your clear direction,
"the LORD your God is with you,
He is Mighty to Save"
(Zephaniah 3:17a)"
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"my god is mighty to save"
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that was quite a long time ago.... waay baack in Maarch
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yet... as the long road from B.G. to MG, the road as I visualise an XL and Tim Lim walking down... a long lonely road for them... a crushing pain...
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while the times when I wonder, was it part of God's plan, how can it be? I dont know
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while sometimes.... if life really is defined as red,green,gray,black
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what am I
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red- Passionate
green- Growth
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Gray- lukewarm
Black- Darkness
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or a gray chair painted red?
half of me strongly desires to see God move
yet the other side, the side few people have seen, and emotional side often seen in my posts
trapped in my own emotions
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the passion was there in January, and dissipated in Feb
yet my struggle then, "worship sessions without a heart"
and relying on my own strength more than God's
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and Lord did you do that just to force me to realise how weak I am, that I am nothing without You?
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even as Bs today, Charles Ng quoting a negative example, a friend mentioning how his gf made him draw closer to God, utter rubbish...(the friend, not what Charles said)
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yet Primer rule 2, → BGRs are bad,
Quote:
... they pull you away from God, they hardly ever work out and you waste the best years of your life which should be spent on drawing closer to God....
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yet Tim phrased it better, choice of 2 struggles
1. To be or not to be
2. God first or other first(balancing time)
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I dont know what I want
and I'm too afraid to move.
It's easier to just hear a "No"
then a "Go ahead if you want, I will take care"
is that really Your Voice? Your Will?
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or is it what i really want that's all,... not what He wants.
yet a reasking yields the same answer.
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Yet why?
To see someone grow up in Christ(the way I want to see the juniors and both BB And Choir do)
To love and protect from the snares of this world
Not about some instant self-gratification thing? If it is I dont want it, not at all.
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Its not about me.... yet it also isnt about the other, its all about You Jesus.
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"Just commit all to God"
yet I wonder whether God gets tired of me nagging.
and I also need to pray for revival , for FireAC, and not keep dwelling on my emotions.
that he has taken care so far... to help me reduce the pain and confusion, and give me moments of joy and times of refreshing.
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The end of all things is Your Glory, not my happiness though
Glorify You with my life
May the lamb of God receive the reward of His Suffering.

Sand Castles

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Matthew 7:24-27
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I was reminded of a Switchfoot song, ‘Gone’
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Life is more than money, time was never runny.
Time was never cash, life is still more than girls.
Life is more than hundred dollar bills and roto-tom fills.
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills,
All the riches of the kings end up in wills
-
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
if you get the world and lose your soul?

---

what we build our lives on is important...
-
if we based our lives on now, on worldly wealth and riches, of careers
or worldly relationships, on acceptance
even of family
-
these things don’t count towards eternity...
‘the 2 biggest things a christian faces
one is persecution
the other is seduction by the world... christians normally can face the former, but many fall with the latter ’
(Charles)
-
we end up losing our first love for God
over something else much less significant
-
compared to basing our lives upon eternity
and living each day for Him
-
so we can stand together in the end of time and worship Him
and there is nothing that can compare to the joy that comes from that
-
where God..
...will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
(Rev 21:3-4)
-
we do know that like in the parable
where the guy builds his house on the ‘ROCK’
in which he has to work very hard to chisel away at the rocks to lay his foundation
-
likewise leading a life based to following Jesus and His gospel is not easy
-
compared to the guys who can easily construct his house on sand,
and like how after the tsunami, these houses get washed away
-
hence the former is a better choice, better than something temporal

---

many times I build my life upon many insignificant things
-
it was once upon computer games
upon getting the highest score
upon winning every game
and ‘pwning’ every opponent to get the ‘holy sh*t BEYONG GODLIKE’ kill streak
-
after that it was upon being accepted by a girl whom I really loved a lot
and even to base my life upon doing things to make her happy and comfortable
at the expense of everything else
-
but I come to realise that after all
everything will pass on in the end
-
but God remains faithful...
and He’s the one I should base my life upon
not anything else
-

Alabaster Jar

the sum of my desires

and the fullness of my joy...

-

---

lala land, the land where everything is sunny and bright

urnt 

it be better than emo land...

-

Gregory Low: "there's bound to be Chemistry"

-

me thinks:

"I hate chemistry, it always so full of uncertainty" 

lol ±

---

blue blue blue blue moon...

deep deep dah...

blue blue blue blue moon...

-

exactly 1 year ago....

I was sitting down at that same spot

at the sec 1 corridor

-

asking God for direction

-

He said "up to you"

but I didn't know what choice to make

so things just went on...

-

but at any rate

... i dunno how to make  choices

so You take control Lord

---

its been a long year... I've learnt so much, I've seen so much

-

but there is so much more to see...

---

ah well choir V day song:

-

Blue Moon
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue Moon
You know just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for
-
And then there suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms will hold
I heard somebody whisper please adore me
And when I looked to the Moon it turned to gold
-
Blue Moon
Now I'm no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
-

---

but after all as John puts it

"there are so much more important things"

-

For which i partially agree... while these things cannot replace the importance of seeking God

but that doesn't mean mugging extra Bio is more important =p  

(I emphasis extra =P, studying unfortunately has its importance)

-

relationships(any kind for that matter) do matter also... we cannot live life alone =)

-

but the most important relationship is God...

-

Here I am

Take me

As an offering

-

Here I am

Giving

Every heart beat

For your glory

-

Take me

-

well I got my wish... I did go for LDC even if its just a tiny bit

and even if Mr J. Ng wasn't around 

=)

De Ja Vu

5 levels

cliche

facts

ideas and opinions

feelings

total openness

-

heh... read that before in the book that tim lent me... 

-

and Kevin sharing about in in the context of a relationship with God.... during YF on saturday

-

---

ubin again...  the memories of so many things... when XL got rather upset with me on the grounds of certain photos... on the same bumboat for both journeys, tim on the same bumboat on the both return journeys, the darken sky, the mud paths the quarry

-

and consistantly sticking around certain people...

-

suaning...

you tian you suan you ku

-

heh... its weird... I really dont know... 

-

I wonder ... why? 

-

many of us, including myself, have made that conscious choice to follow Him, to give up everything to see him glorified

-

I always wondered... if i didnt... would things have been different?

-

to count all things as rubbish compared to the knowledge of Christ Jesus

-

yes ... rubbish.... dung.... shit....  , our shiny trophies, the things we once held dear...

-

---

you know... we once thought that... God had intended for things to happen in a particular manner, in a fairytale , our dreams our hopes our aspirations

-

before God comes and lays His hands upon what is dear to us.... and asks us 

"Do you love Me more than these?"

-

---

heh... in the sense of Tim being an extension of Emil... yes... i guess you might realise that... it was kind of obvious....

-

in the sense... seemingly all so normal and fine... but hurt... pain... sadness, confusion

all hidden... or else pushed away by either a torrent of homework or super mario smash bros

-

I know... maybe... 

-

but I cannot hide my emotions as well as you do... previous avenues for distraction such as computer games have lost their meaning... all I left is God, to clinge to Him, to trust Him, in all things

-

---

You give and take away

-

and what was given in november, the best birthday present to have... and slowly one sees it trickle away... perhaps God's hand is in it... wondering if He's trying to teach me patience, or He's just teaching me... to give up

-

I dont know

and maybe I shdnt think too much about it...

---

heh

-

Hannah is a nutter

-

was very tempted to say something to tease you there at the escalator at bugis for fun... 

-

rarrr...

'emil lenses'

do I look through things in a limited perspective
-
through my ‘emil lenses’ so to speak
-
not the bigger picture
-

---

-------------------
but in the end
aren’t we supposed to live our lives in the light of God
-
see things in the way God sees them
open our eyes to see what God wants for us
-
live a life grounded by faith in the Word of God
and live out a life which shows that
-

---

-------------------
people say they tell me these things
-
for my own good
for the good of the people under my sphere of influence
-
and they’re perfect in every way, more worthy of being part of their ministries
-
at least while compared to me
who has been in the lowest of places
been the worse of sinners and disgraced the name of God
-
‘but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more’
-
its by the very fact
when we say God makes foolish the wisdom of the wise
-
we judge things from this perspective
-

---

-------------------
-
So by saying I shouldn’t be in this ministry
are they saying it from their lens?
or the lens that God has given them, (wise christian council???)?
-
because if they say so
they’re saying God made a wrong choice
in letting me be here
-
So who am I to believe?

---

-------------------
But still
we should always remember this in the ministries God puts us in:
-
(Philippians 2:1-11)
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,

then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

---

Retreat

so many times, these few weeks... time with God, time with people... how does one make sure God has more time?...

-

a retreat... a time to reflect... a time to spend more time with God....

-

yet, also more time with people? ... ... ... unexpected?

-

I guess...  

-

paranoia can lead one away from God... 

one wonder why wander alone somewhere in the school...  while others have corporate prayer

one wanders off himself

into an empty audi, around much of the school

except the bleachers and 'grand stands", which one goes to later for prayer with Charles and 7 others

unity... I guess... Lua & Chua... thanks

-

I guess I need to trust that God will take care... 

-

tumble over in the astroturf while diving after a ball... lol that was funny...  but a nice deep skin peel off resulted

-

irony... a good reason to give up ones place... wasn't that a secret wish?

but still going for primers challenge tmr... I guess... I don't want to make ppl feel bad abt it, plus it would be fun...

-

Cards till 4 am...

-

a tinge of guilt... 

why can't I spend that amount of time with God?

-

off an msn convo I had:

-

£ٱɱعɑɗe ... ... says (8:50 PM):

as in... if one really loves God... one would want to spend time with God... 

-

I guess how does one do that?

how does one make God the first thought that comes to mind when one wakes up?... that even one dreams of God... basically "eat, sleep, think, breathe" God

-

---

Guarding of one's heart...

-I need to guard my heart... I cannot invest too much of my emotions

yet easier said then done... :( 

-

"don't play with fire"(charles)

-

the red tape of P.R. 2 ...

I know I cannot cross it , and there probally isn't a possibility of that happening...

since its probally only a one side thing... the few months of daoing/avoiding shd have made it clear enough

-

the very most... good friends...

-

---

sighz....

-do I need to pull myself away forcefully again?

and if  someone reads this... sighz, this open "not so secret" diary of mine... I don't want to scare off again...

-yes I still like... but I respect the choice you make...

I wish...

-

Grow in God... "Love God wholeheartly"

-

and no matter what troubles may face you, He is there for you... 

-

Rejection Sensitivity

The past should never kill the hope which is the future…

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

---

Ate a lunch with Anna today at the Star Vista. Partly because I asked 2 different people out for lunch and got turned down twice (she joked that she was my last choice haha). Tim sum at Caton paradise was a nice way to celebrate the end of the semester(and the end of my year 2 journey in NTU).

Maybe after all thats happened in the past I tend to misconstrue the social construals of the present… I try to hide it and not show it but it still affects me somehow…