sometimes one just has to let go...

random quote of the week

"let go of my Daniel"

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sometimes you just have to let go of stuff... maybe this is just one of those times

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you know... it isn't fair upon others if you decide otherwise...

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while I have let go of the old issue... partly mentioned above... but I did it at the cost of making yet another mistake...

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and this time... its almost worse... I don't even know...

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I still need to resolve things within myself

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ah well... wish the people i told not to emo would tell me back the same thing

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but how can I not... knowing that I'll be leaving the school soon...

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"I think going to broadway is a bad idea"(me to tim)

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indeed i really guessed correctly... sighz

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okay here comes the really emo part... if you read it well...

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there is a difference between

1. liking someone and doing something about it

2. liking someone and not doing something about it, and nothing else happens

3. liking someone and not doing something about it, and seeing/hearing stuff you don't want to see/hear

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needless to say option 1 will lead people to yell: :"Oh vassal miscreant!!"(Lear)

because it defies a very well know rule: the "lonely Primer rule 2", which was stuck in my msn pm for the record longest time last year.

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option 2 is the best:

"think its just an infatuation... it'll probably go away"(an msn convo back in feb with tim)

"nothing will come of nothing" (lear)

and indeed that is the most part of it. emotions will eventually fade away... I know that quite well...

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however one never gets such a luxury

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option 3...

I unfortunately cannot say too much on it, because this is a public blog...

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but negative reinforcements, such as hearing stuff like *** likes ***(although it isn't the main factor if you know people well enough),

or seeing certain stuff(which I saw around march till quite recently)causes the emotion to become stronger...

which is why I hate gossip, it can cause people to stumble..

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and positive reinforcements like weird behaviour doesn't help either, like i said... interpretation can do a lot...

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maybe I'll just have to talk to someone other than john or tim regarding this...

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"and I would give the world to tell Your story"

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if the salvation of a friend would mean I end up losing something precious to me... I'll rather the friend be saved...

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if you are the person I'm talking about... I'm really sorry... I've been a bad friend...

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maybe I should talk about it...

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"would you please arrange it...."(choir mushy song)

"Red booth. Red pillar box. Red double-tiered"

to say that what ever is happening now is one of the more depressing days i ever had in school is probably an understatement...

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and strangely... it isn't so much the presentation of distinguished awards that's making me cringe... in a sense I'm feeling rather detached and indifferent to it now...

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was feeling even worse later...

community singing was.... well... I left halfway, just didn't feel like singing all these happy songs..

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sighz...

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although a hymn of dedication:

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Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise

Thou my inheritance now and always

Thou and thou only first in my heart

High King of heaven my treasure Thou Art.

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oh well...

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IOC still stuck in my mind...

Button B, Button A (Soyinka, Telephone Conversation)

"emo isn't what you look like, but what you are"

quote tim:

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walking back with him today, cracking random jokes/smses about John tay

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but I daresay it makes things happier when people around you see (or read) become less emo or happy

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"emo is contagious"(tim)

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reading a number of emo things the last few days has turned Emil emo, although he has tried to hide it to a large extent...along with IOC stress and others

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on the other hand happiness is contagious too...

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I guess I just have to pray that God will grant us all a peace and joy, that surpasses everything, our stress(emotional or physical), our hurt... everything...

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life for me isn't a roller coaster...

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its like one of those dark slides you used to find in Sentosa, fantasy island, where everything is pitch black and you seem to be descending all the time, everything looks scary....

but you know, at the end of it all, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, when we go SPLASH

and all is well again... and we climb back up for another go...

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oh well...

mending wall

Irony... I really got mending wall for IOC...

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=.=

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how fitting..

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"And we put the wall between us"

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with a cock up of forgetting what "direct speech" and "literary features" mean

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=/

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oh well glad one of my intense agonies(IA) are over...

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and another agony of a different sort...

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"spring mending time we find them there..."

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"good fences make good neighbours"

changes

the passing of changes, mean a lot...

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because change is new, and change is different

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changes in my relationship with BB

changes in my relationships with people

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changes in my relationship with Choir... from being the 'on' person who wanted to bring change, to bring God into the picture... to something I just gave up... and joined back later on after deciding not to touch that painful area...

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I wish i could turn back time and make a change... again...

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or just trust in Him, knowing that He is sovereign...

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a jet blast of reality...

"meanwhile we shall express our darker purpose"

Give me the map there. Know that we have divided
In three our kingdom: and 'tis our fast intent
To shake all cares and business from our age;
Conferring them on younger strengths, while we
Unburthen'd crawl toward death.

(Lear in King Lear)

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I don't really like choir politics, its a waste of time...

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but hmm interestingly enough.. or otherwise... a tradition was broken... we have our very first Non-Christian Choir pres...

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ah well... 

"something there is that doesn't love a wall"

walls that divide

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wall of brick and stone

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and 

wall of stuff which cannot be seen yet can be felt

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yet..

"good fences make good neighbours..."(Mending Wall ,Frost)

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fences connote the idea of transparency, yet a barrier

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maybe I shall one day

talk things out...

and see ...

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or else...

"love and be silent"(King Lear, Cordelia)

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"Button B, Button A"(Soyinka, Telephone Conversation)

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Mugging IOC certainly is a fun pastime

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after:

"Go study!" which i was intending to anyway

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in contrast to a John Tay's mocking "dont study lor, see what happens"

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I don't want to go later... IOC beckons, and I might... just go mad... like King Lear...

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boo...

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"myself I could outfrown false fortunes frown..."(King Lear, Cordelia)

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a game of "hide and speak"(Soyinka, Telephone Conversation)

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"For love is not the binding of fair lips, with the soft silk of eyes that look and long"(Owen, Apologia pro Poemate Meo)

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"disconnected sentences of King Lear which shows his unstable state of mind" (M. Nathan)

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To 'Love God wholeheartedly'

"don't emo lah.."

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"somethings are just different"

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actually they aren't, if you people really know us well enough, you'll know we all emo over more or less the same things, even me...

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but then we take these as trials that test our faith and build us up, and we know, that while the "not so nice being"  aka Satan, will always try to tear us down, especially if we are doing a good work of God... but we know:

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2 Corinthians 4 

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

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thanks to Zhuo'er for praying for me, I really appreciate it =)

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anyway, unless you don't really know my story last year, you'll probably know the title of this post is a phrase which was rather touchy...

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but we do need to learn how to do that, fix our eyes upon Him

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ouch... what's going on anyway... =( 

maybe i need not ask... maybe its so obvious...

but again i could be wrong....

Finding joy.. again

its quite weird when one tells people not to emo, yet emo

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oh well

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DONT EMO LAH

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grr i just saw a couple of emo blogs , including my own

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James 1:2-4 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

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Phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

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finding joy... again

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A Beautiful Love So Amazing

*emotional rant*

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it so strange... because.. how can God die for us, how can God love us

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Its so strange, when you draw parallels between the past and present, and the differences that they make

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"I love you... I really do..."(silly irrational emo quote from one of my friends last year)

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and look how it lands up...

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something which I heard before, and that I still believe, that in order to truly 'love' a person in that strange way... you need to know the person well enough, see the flaws and the beauty past them, the same way God look past our flaws, and sees our worth...

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and a time of one year seems to be necessary... oh well, yet i wonder...

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...Lord you have searched me and You know me...(psalms 139)

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and yes... only you know my heart, and why and how... and what's best...

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I don't know...

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because of what I see and hear...

and what I do not know...

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hence I do not want to think too much

yet if there were a chance...

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World choinging

Recording

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Wesley Chan...

either I have been too obvious, or there really is an elimination 'most likely' process involved

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ah well it doesn't matter... in the end, God knows best... in the end... if I leave with nothing... it doesn't matter...

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ah well I'm going to miss choir... sighz

the world could do with less emo people =)

but when tmr is over... haha, it seems like I'll just end up mugging like siao

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CAS EE TOK IA

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and whacking all the IA

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and trying not to think of stuff... I guess it can wait... if God wills things to happen it will happen,

and if not, it'll be good also

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but I'm still kinda worried about stuff, think I'm falling sick in a not so nice way(like something more than fever cough if you get what I mean)

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oh well but I guess God will take care...

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its really strange, when God seems to always tell us not to hold on to stuff, because He is sovereign, in our weakness His strength is seen

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ah well

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I shall try not to feel sad after I leave the school, if things are left the way it is... 

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Here I am, O God

I bring this sacrifice, my open heart

I offer up my life

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I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends

Restores me again

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So I lift my eyes to You, Lord
In Your strength will I break through, Lord
Touch me now, let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears
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Through the storm I will hold on, Lord
And by faith, I will walk on, Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You...

Mochi Ice Cream

"I don't like mushy songs" (Me)

"its MARSHEE, not MOO SHEE, MOO SHEE sounds like the japanese ice cream"(Shaun the .10 one)

"lol but its mo-chi(chee) ice cream, not moo shee"(Me)

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oh well...

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Pharmacology: 

different drugs can interact with each other to create adverse effects

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at least that's what we were studying in biology, about how Cyclosporine can interact with grapefruit juice or something.

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oh well...

I was rather erm... unsettled after learning about the DV joining us...

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oh well... its strange because of the way things are...

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like its backstage, at the circle seats, in front, at the sides.

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along with juxtaposition of the emo song and mushy song

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Walk down that lonesome road....

Never never change....

Don't turn your head, back over your shoulder... 

Wont you please arrange it, cause I love you

Above the trees...

With each word, your tenderness grows

If i had closed my mouth and open my eyes

and the laugh that wrinkles your nose, touches my foolish heart

Carry on, never feel sorry for yourself... it doesn't save you from your troubled mind...

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Ah well, I really don't like singing either one of those songs...

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facades are what we put up on to hide what we think and feel away from other people, most people know you by your facade not the 'real you'

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there are very few people whom I've shown just a little of what i really am actually.

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its not that we are trying to be fake by putting up facades

its just that, the world is such a cruel place that we can never show out true self without getting hurt...

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Only God knows our hearts... Psalms 139... Lord You have searched me and You know me...

Cost

"...I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in Him..."(Philippians 3:8-9)

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I remember the vision the ministry, to stir up revival, at the cost of EVERYTHING, grades, successes, emotions...

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and the thoughts that come which are to be put to death...

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more than a year later, i look back.... I have lost a lot, not because of service, not because of i did something to contribute...

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but because of circumstances beyond my control, and because of some wrong choices i made

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not like I was not expecting that... but I cannot be too bitter about it...

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I realise what has been making me so tired... is the fact that I have to consistently deny myself, my thoughts, my pride, my emotions... anything that does not glorify God

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and its really tiring....

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and yet I have yet to see something spectacular happen yet, if it does come, it would be worth it all...

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"...The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.

Blessed be the name of the LORD...."(Job 1 : 21)

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In the end when all is said and done, it does not matter... nothing matters , except that I am loved by God... even when insults are hurled at me, even if what i do goes unappreciated, even if I'm not given any respect whatsoever...

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I have a feeling, I still have more to lose...

but God, will I have something for once, that it may glorify Your name...?

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"For My ways are not your ways, and My thoughts are not yours"(Isaiah 55:8)

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"...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future..."(Jeremiah 29 :11)

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but again.. sometimes I just want to heck everything , throw restrain to the wind, and rebel against the constraints I put up myself, think the way I want to think, do the way I want to do...

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"No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."(Luke 9:62)

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"Don't turn your head ... back over your shoulder..."

Today,

other than a stupid MOE survey today (which i managed to capture screen by screen, and probably will be dissecting when I feel like it), there was choir..

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"you know when I was a boy , when we sang this(Turot eszik a cigany), we used to changed the words a bit, but don't repeat this"(Mr Phua)

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"KNNB CCB"(click for definition by TalkingCock.com)

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LOL it really does fit perfectly

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albeit VERY vulgar, although fitting to such a vulgar sounding song

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Tu	-	rot	es	-	zik	a	ci	-	gany
K	-	N	N	-	B	C	C	-	B

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anyway we didnt sing the mushy song today, but we sang the emo song, "That Lonesome Road"

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"Don't turn your head... back over your shoulder"

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how fun.

-Isn't it what we try to do sometimes? I wonder...

oh well...

"I like ***" choir...

dinner with Mdm Yong was rather interesting lol

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although at a number of points I felt a bit left out... bio oly talks...

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and discussing a number of things

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and talking about fellow classmates

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"I like ***"

*me gives Tim the look

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"I like ***"

*me looks at Tim again

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"I really like ***"

*looks at Tim for the 3rd time

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lol

so much for that...

old things..., old times...

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"=== has been looking moody"

"I told  ===, no point wasting sleep over a guy"

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er..., you mean the only reason a girl can look emo is over a guy? and vice versa?

At least, that is, if academic performance is taken out of the question...

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ah well, I shall refuse to try to formulate theories...

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mushy songs

(http://5implyworship.blogspot.com/2008/04/song-of-joy.html)

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"you need to really mean the words you say, think of somebody..."

(E. Wan)

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dotz... I try not to think about certain things that are real, because they will either make me feel sad , or will make me feel confused.

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E.Wans suggestion of Bratt Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn't sound good(I generally don't watch movies... and either way I don't think they look that great.) 

So I tried looking at Sze Jet's sister (aka Sze min in the audience), before i started laughing silently, and gave up... shall leave the mushy thinking to the real concert...

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I don't like singing mushy songs... period...

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Japanese tongue twisters and flowers

"Noyosa"

"Hana"

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Hungarian Gypies(aka 'the machine gun' according to Levin) 

"Turot eszik a cigany"

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Filipino men drooling(according to translation)

"Rosa Pandans"

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Indian Raga

"Desh"

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Latin Missa Brevis movement

"Credo"

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"a.k.a. learn another few languages in a few days" (Feli's blog)

lol, I agree too... but either way, its something that one gets used to after 5 1/2 years in choir...

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Charity cafe

Nintendo Wii Guitar hero and rahbits...

was rather fun =)

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oh well...

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dead tired... Final EE/World Lit to amend/print, IOC to mug, Chem/Bio prac reports to complete for submission...

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and gruelling Choir sessions... 

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bleah...

The Road Less Travelled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost

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On the bright side I don't need to study this for IOC

but oh well... its a nice poem... all the same

Occam's razor

make the least assumptions...

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and try to put it in a light in which "gives the worse case"

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"you think you very funny is it?"

sighs...

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if nothing is done, nothing will come of nothing...

-and if I break the restrains which I put upon myself, a lot will happen, 

but i risk screwing up everything...

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oh well...

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wish I could stop thinking...

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with my completed ToK FINAL submission, Q10... with the thesis: "Emotions control all others ways of knowing"

oh well... I don't want to yet i want to

playing the game of hide and peek...

A Letter of Complaint

SMRT feedback form on a rather horrible experience I had this morning while taking 963 to church. 

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http://www.smrt.com.sg/contact_us/contact_us.asp

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Enquiry : Feedback relating to Bus
From 

(Last Name) : ***

(First Name): ***

Email: ***

Contact number : ***

Subject: Complain against inappropriate behaviour of bus captain

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Please provide us more information

Boarding Point: Upp Bukit Timah Rd - Bef Hazel Pk Terrace, Stop Number:4311

Alighting Point: Telok Blangah Rd - Bef Christian Comm Chapel, Stop Number: 14159

Bus Registration Plate TIB1143Y

Service no. 963

Date 20th July 2008

Time 10:40am

Ez Link Card no. ***

Message:

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I would like to complain against the behaviour of the bus captain towards me while I was on the bus. A few stops after I boarded the bus, the bus captain stopped the bus at the stop: "Hillview Ave - Hillview Hts, Stop Number: 43267" approached me , and very loudly scolded me in mandarin and demanded that I not obstruct the aisle with my legs, or he would throw me out of the bus. I complied, but the manner in which he conveyed the message was completely uncalled for, I decided to take down the bus registration number. He then became very agitated and shouted at me again, before returning to the driver seat and refusing to start the bus for about 5 minutes. I then had to approach him and request that he start the bus. He then demanded to know why I scolded him, when I had not. I replied that I did not scold him, but he in fact had been the one who had been scolding me.

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At the next stop, he again stopped the bus, approached me, demanded to know whether i was a student, and insisted that I surrender my student pass to him. I eventually did, at this point, a extremely agitated commuter approached him and shouted at him demanding that he start the bus and stop wasting time.
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I am very appalled by the behaviour of the bus captain. I believe that as a commuter I have a right to be treated with respect, and the way I was treated by the bus captain certainly was disgraceful. While the bus captain has a right to request that I not obstruct the aisle, shouting at me was not necessary. Additionally his subsequent behaviour of refusing to start the bus was totally inappropriate as he caused inconvenience to a large number of commuters, as he wasted the time of the commuters.
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I sincerely hope that this case is an isolated incident and will not repeat itself. I believe in good faith that SMRT will look into the matter and take appropriate action against the bus captain

---

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Either way I'm not going to bother retelling the story, you can just look at the feedback form to get an idea.

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but after that I met Keng Liang on the next stop and i told him a little bit about the incident, and he got his details from his gf who was at the back of the bus. at any rate he agreed that is was rather uncalled for.

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not like i was doing a "eating on the mrt" stunt that one of my friends did and got murdered by the school.

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oh well this certainly ruined my day.

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at any rate, i got this immediately mailed to my email:

Thank you for your email

-

Thank you for dropping us a line. We will look into your feedback and get

back to you.

For more information on our services and initiatives, please visit
www.smrt.com.sg


Yours Sincerely,
Customer Relations Centre
SMRT Corporation Ltd

Tel: 1800 336 8900

For items lost and found on:                    For feedback on:
SMRT Trains,call:       6767 3300                       SMRT Trains, call:      1800 336 8900
SMRT Buses,call:        1800 336 8900           SMRT Buses, call:               1800 3368900
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This is a computer-generated message. Please do not reply to this message.

-

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talk about retardedness

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oh well...

Random Email- The Pay and Pay (PAP) government - Electronic Road Pricing(ERP) Hikes aka Every Road Pay/Everyday Rob People

SINGAPORE ERP SYSTEM IN YEAR 2010

SINGAPORE ERP SYSTEM IN YEAR 2015 

Don't be too happy, this will be next. 

And next   

doctrines

its strange how much I've been exposed to a lot of weird doctrines, from the net, from friends , and church and even my sister(who's a catholic)

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but somehow God has been merciful, and He has always lead me back to what some people might call "orthodox" in a sense

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1st doctrine: Prosperity Gospel

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I accepted Christ in a Pentecostal Church, Trinity Christian Centre (Adam Road)

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needless to say there were some influences there, but I never really took note of it, although I eventually left church for about 1 year+

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and even after I joined Grace Methodist Church, which according to Huck Finn could be called a mulatter, and according to chem a racemic mix

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half the people are ANTI- prosperity Gospel

the other half are for

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haha

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I believe God wants to bless us =p

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but my definition of blessing can be found in (Matthew 5:1-11) , blessed are the poor, those who mourn ..... etc

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Unitarianism - denial of the trinity

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i read online doctrines before, but none of them seem convincing, esp since pauls writing, the "doxology" mentions the trinity

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eternal salvation w/o receiving Christ

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read some weird doctrine that a person does not have to receive Christ on earth...

which was rather convincing

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the sermon in church the next day in  church (Sunday) debunked the entire doctrine...

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Catholic Doctrine:

my sister -whose arguments are very convincing

-

but some of the central dogma of the catholic church...  i have reservations, such as the concept of the "sinless Mary" , "queen of heaven".

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and purgatory

the problem of purgatory is that it DENIES the ultimate saving power of Jesus sacrifice on the cross, the "one perfect and pleasing sacrifice", that we still need to atone for our sins through purgatory

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oh well

sometimes maybe its just better to have a simple faith

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like God is love, God is a just God but he gives mercy

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and God will take care... we just need to commit every thing in prayer to Him...

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and the gospel... while we can know a lot about apologetics, theology and doctrines, but we can NEVER fully comprehend the gospel, of how God crushed His only begotten Son for our sake...