Providence

New website to display my um... photography portfolio
http://limepics.wordpress.com/

I’m wondering, after it all, I dunno if I can trust that I’ll be able to make it through everything out there
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But I want to trust and believe that God will provide for me... in the months to come...

Poison

what are the 2 things the world values the most?
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money, relationships
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yet Jesus tells us that unless we ‘hate’ these things, we cannot be His disciple

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the first poison:
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love of money has always been one of the many reasons why christians fall away. How many times have we heard about people who’ve “ wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.” from that (1 Tim 6:10)
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the second poison
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again, relationships, as God meant it, was supposed to be the most beautiful and sacred gift He had. We know about how the love between a married couple is meant to symbolically portray the love of Christ for the church
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but we’ve seen how relationships have destroyed the spiritual lives of many... as Paul warns about not being unequally yoked with unbelievers...
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Money has never been a big deal for me... I never saw the value of having excess...
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Relationships somehow though, have always been a place of intrigue and desire for me...
I desire a Godly person who could support me in my spiritual walk with God, who can be there for me, and yeah...
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I’ve been through enough to know that unrequited feelings for another person is painful and traumatic...
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and I’ve seen how its possible that a little gossip and hearsay can destroy a perfectly healthy friendship...

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it comes to a point like this
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I cannot carry the baggage of the past into the future , wherever God chooses to send me
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I don’t want to be presumptuous and think I know who God intends for me
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but honestly speaking, need I even need to worry about it? nothing much would make a difference if God has a purpose and intention for my life...
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and I need to learn faith, patience in waiting, hoping in Christ
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and to learn to trust and love Him more, and in and above everything...

B.B.

Charles shared again - on discerning God’s will
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it was like a confirmation like the millionth time,
what Glenn was talking to me about,
what Dorcas was talking to me about
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the random weird dream I had ( which didnt come true anyway...)

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well, anyway it gets to a point when it becomes freaky... but I get the point
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God seems to be changing a lot of my expectations
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I knew I had to burn down bridges, which I did, eventually
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not the way I would have wanted to do it, but still better than nothing
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after the BS we headed down to the airport... T3 this time - night time
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at least I didn’t have to wait for an oversleeping Ian and pay $30 to take a night cab to T1 this time
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XL made a comment, but strangely this time, it only caused me a slight annoyance, to the point of slight amusement
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we said our farewells, said our bye byes
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I sent my customary sms - out of habit , rather than of anything else
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after all, who doesn’t wish to see each other again in the place where
‘we will worship Jesus , when He comes again?’

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As I looked into what’s ahead, I realised I had a few choices:
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base my choices on my inherent ambitions, - take a bio/med related field, and later choose between teaching/medicine
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or do something I would never expect myself doing... taking a social science related field, in preparation for where God leads me to serve Him
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and there comes the whole NUS/NTU related issue
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for 2 years, I protested about applying to NTU... maybe it was a prestige and pride issue,
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but I doubt I have much choice left...
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but does it really have to take a realisation that 2 of my closest primary school friends are there to make me reconsider?

counting the cost

As I looked through the green little book - in preparation for church staff model BAG
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a book i read - 5 years ago as a Sec3 JY in GMC...

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If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple.

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I made this mistake, once, twice, thrice
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by placing human relationships above God
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whatever it meant when I talked to Ding during BS about burning bridges
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all is said and done
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now its time to move on...
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let Your will be done...

Fourteen Feb

even if I don’t have anyone to give flowers to today

I want to remember

that God is Love

and we Love because He first Loved us

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I remember singing this song during fireAC:

Once I thought the love of God was just for you and me.
Once I thought we were the only ones.
Now I know God's love can find all those from sea to sea;
And when it finds them, they become His sons.

His love is warmer than the warmest sunshine,
Softer than a sigh.
His love is deeper than the deepest ocean,
Wider than the sky.

His love is brighter than the brightest star
That shines every night above;
And there is nothing in this world
That can ever change His love.

Beauty

Beauty is of the inside, not so much the outside
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I’ve seen people change, they look better outside, but inside they also change, they become more worldly, they no longer are the same people I love and care for
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and that, is the change that matters, not so much on how they change the way they treat me, but really the character and person they are
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have I asked myself the reason why the change? yes I have
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but I dont really care about the treatment so much, its really more of the change inside that makes me sad
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foolishly I try to compromise my values and expectations,
but I cant keep doing it
and I shouldn’t
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even if the person outside is more beautiful than when I first knew
I rather the person grows inside,

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talking with an old primary school friend of mine today really helped a lot
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She asked me these 2 questions:
‘how sure you are that she’s the one?’
‘what is so special about her?’
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“she’s different, not like the other girls I know who cared more about external appearance, someone who is godly, mature and good natured’
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but as I look at everything... that was long ago... things have changed,
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I rather be with a person who wont drink anything other than root beer,
than be with a person who is worldly, who desires to be involved in a council of drunkenness and sin
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I don’t want to compromise my morals anymore...

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and finally:
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‘its not so much our business to question and insist on finding out what is God’s plan for us, its really more of our job to trust in Him that He is in control, and follow and discern’

positive dreaming

something echos my sentiments
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but it’s about this
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commit it though prayer
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its not about trying to reason everything that happens out..
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He will make all things beautiful in His time...

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even if the response is not what you’d get in the dream
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but at least it was a moment of catharsis

Serenity

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

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knowing there are a few things I cant change
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like the fact I’m not going to UNSW medicine
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like the fact I can’t do much about certain situations
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but God... help me to trust in you.... and commit everything that matters in my life to you....

nothingness

“meaningless! meaningless!“ says the teacher. ”everything is meaningless“ (Ecc 1:2)
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to many it may be their idea of fun
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after all being under the influence of CH3CH2OH that allows you to skip the normal mental barriers and stuff seems like something worth doing
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but in retrospect... I conclude this
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on one hand attempting to drink a lot just for the sake of trying to show off to another person that you can drink is a stupid idea
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attempting to reduce rationality to a point that you can admit certain emotions and feelings to another person is even stupider
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but the point is this... I realise very simply
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at the root of it all... in a state when everything is in a blur
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I found myself thinking of 2 things...

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in my life
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there are only 2 things that really matter to me
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God
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and someone else... whom I probably have to let go soon...
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I remember being pushed off.... so I guess it doesn’t matter...
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sigh...

Humility

One aspect about the ministry of Jesus is this, while He was on earth, He never went about declaring that He was a King.
He was a humble servant leader, who could approach John the Baptist to be baptised... who could wash his disciple’s feet like a servant

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in the same way

in church ministry

even if I know I’m good at something

and I know how to do it right

head knowledge wise

it still means I need to learn to submit to the decisions of others whom I may view as less effective

it still means even if I’ve been a mentor and leader in ministry elsewhere

I still need to start from ground zero, and cannot carry over my experiences like a CV

I still need to place myself under the mentorship of other people even if I feel that I am capable of mentoring other people as well...

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I wonder, how does that translate when I assume the job of youth intern in church? When I need to lead and plan a number of programmes?

Does it translate to people putting trust and credibility in me simply because I’ve been given the responsibility and mandate?

which is why... it is so difficult when one transits from being a leader in another ministry before moving on to the next season that God’s calls ....

Curriculum vitae

Sometimes I wonder if I was do what paul calls foolish boasting(2 Cor 11)...

but anyway disclaimer... I shall allow myself to ‘secularise’ my service to God for this blog post...
at no point of time should that reflect the view of a humble christian (:

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Name: Emil Ng
Date of salvation: Apr 2002

Ministry experience:
Experienced worship leader who has led worship in countless different occasions since October 2005. Lead in both band and solo settings, also in impromptu and prepared settings. Provided daily worship services for morning school revival ministry for 2 years. Lead with various instruments, including guitar, electric, keyboard, and no instrument. Led various prayer meetings and groups in worship, both locally and overseas.

Did various mission trips to Thailand where I gave classes to thai children as well as organised various outreach programmes

Boys’ Brigade Officer and student leader who mentored and guided various youth in their christian walk.

Bible knowledge:
Attended alpha course in Jan 2005. Read the whole bible once through following that around december. Underwent intensive BB bible study programme with in-depth book study of the word since 2007.

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its easy for me to say:
“I probably might have ‘more bible knowledge’, ‘more experience in worship ministry(not in regard to technical skill)’ than a number of people who serve in church as leaders”

But thats never the point of christian ministry... the point of christian ministry is to have a humble and contrite heart, willing to serve where God calls you, willing to submit to authority (which include leaders in church).

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But I begin to wonder, if so, what if I want to contribute positively to the growth of a ministry directly...

God I am willing... send me... if it is Your will...

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being allowed by Glenn to lead was something... I thought it would be a step in fulfilling my calling as a worship leader
(which I told the ministry leader many time long ago, but no action)
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I decided to work with Grace Star... I saw the need, and I was willing to do anything... even if it meant doing something which not many of the other leaders and musicians I know would not be willing to do...
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well, see how... In Your time...

Worship

Romans 12:1-2(ESV)
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Isaiah 58:6-7 (ESV)
"Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

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These 2 passages dawned upon me, as I sat there, waiting at the bus stop for 961

A man came stumbling to the bus stop. He wore no shoes or sandals on his feet. He had a deranged look on his face... everyone around shunned him

He started picking dead leaves from the floor....

I sat there... wondering what I could do for this man...

He stood at the edge of the road.... then he walked on it and towards the traffic

I called out... he looked at me... I beckoned him to step back on the pavement

I asked him where he was going... he mumbled unintelligible words...

‘Do you speak english’ I asked.... more unintelligible words...

.... then 961 arrived. I boarded, and left this man behind...

I began to wonder if I should have brought him to a police post or something so someone could take care of him...

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Many times we worship from an area of comfort, an area of security...

what do we sacrifice when we simply go to church on a sunday morning, lift up songs... and simply go away after that?

isn’t worship about our lives? about how we can live for Him,

about how we can obey Him when it is difficult?

about how we can give up our rights for the sake of our brother or sister?

about how we should actively choose to honour our parents even when its hard?

about how we should surrender our lives to Him and obey him, even if it means giving up on what we hold dear in our lives?

about changing the world around us? and showing His love

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I, as a mere person alone,
am not ready to lead worship...

I can only let God use me...
and I can only depend and rely on His strength...

otherwise I’ll simply be going through the motions

and thus not be anything more than ‘resounding gong or a clanging cymbal’(1 Cor 13:)
because without love, without God empowering us, our service to Him is nothing...

Theology

This week...

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Ps Leow’s sharing with the youth:
Theology is more defined by understanding through faith,
we can only go so far with logically reasoning, but we need God in order to take that step into believing

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Matthew:
we know that God is a God of love and all that, but many times we forget that God is more than that... God is also a God who is all-powerful...

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Glenn - on romans 8:
“There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

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Ps Andy - on 1 Samuel:
Both Saul and David had barriers and obstacles to overcome... but the difference was in their attitude towards God... Saul was still concerned about himself, even after he was rebuked by Samuel. David however was said to be a man after God’s heart

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despite all that has happened thus far, disappointments and such
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I know God has a plan and purpose for my life on earth
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help me have faith God....

The Over Rated Day*

when you finally cross over to the other side of freedom that everyone was talking about

you realise its no big deal...

what might have been better would be spending my first dinner with a pink IC

the same way I spent my first book out from tekong

rather than just sitting around superdog in vivo and eating alone...

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I thank God for how He’s brought me through these 2 years

the ups and downs

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honestly speaking

I wonder if the truth would make any difference at all...

if I said to myself I wanted to come out clean before uni

and move on...

even if it meant that much to me...

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medicine, not in NUS, not in UNSW, then in where?

or something else?

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*title courtesy of stephanus - from FB

Days beyond the 1 yr 10mths

its almost time before I end this season of my life, couple 2-3 more months
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while most have already done it and collected back the legendary pink ICs
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but either way... perhaps at this juncture, I’ve come to realise something
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I’ve learnt more to be alone these few months...
partly because I’m not willing to open up to most of my church friends,
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partly because most the the closer guy friends i have in SG seem like robots, devoid of any emotional capacity,
consistently in pursuit of ‘rationality’
(while I know yes they have feelings, but I guess its a sad guy mentality that one needs to hide his emotions)
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partly because all the people I trust and confide in are overseas... partly because uni life seems to suck everyone into it
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I really appreciate these people who have been there for me during my army life in on way or another
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In no particular order
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Tim
Petrina
Charles
Marc
Amanda

Tina
Ding
Christina

John
Dan
XL

Rach
Joyce
Melissa

During BMT:
Lamzy
Kenneth lee
James

OETI:
Jeremy

3AMB:
Sean Tan
Shawnrick
Yongshen

Regulars:
ME2 Ben
ME3 Lim
ME4 Jhon

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it seems rather sentimental,
the way I write these kind of appreciation lists ( which I guess a few of you who might read my blog or FB notes might stumble upon)
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one more step closer

I applied on time
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interview on
191110, 1400hrs (UTC +11)
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God knows my heart
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but I don’t even know mine anymore

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我不知道怎麽想

Secrets

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing that we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve

And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Sending it straight to gold
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'm 'a tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, all my secrets away

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20 years, of blessings and sorrows, thank You for taking care of me thus far

but life cant be a series of coincidences without intention

I can be so honest about everything to you
except this thing...

yeah I’m not the same as another irritating guy am I?

but its been hard to straighten out my thoughts for the past 4 years

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for my birthday now, I wish that God will make a way , unless it is not His way...

medicine, church, relationships,

everything that matters to me...

Apps

2 Choices
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trying and potentially getting disappointed, one way or another
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not trying, wondering , & regretting
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intentions are important
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but I shall:
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Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment. (Ecc 11:9)

okay I dont know whether to feel:

hurt about being left out
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disappointed
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or just plain indifferent...
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I have other friends whom I don’t consider as close
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who at least bother about me... even without me asking to
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okay maybe I should just not bother looking at facebook
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at least what I dont know wont hurt me

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then again perspective wise
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maybe you’d think I have really no right? i dont really know
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okay let me rot through the rest of my life, I’m done with trying too hard ...

Inception

“The most dangerous thing is an idea that takes hold in someone’s mind.”
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Watching this movie with the usual crowd, the 3 girls, XL, chng, and charles (who graciously provided the tickets) as well as nick
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it was interesting on how the whole movie revolved around the ideas of subconscious and dreams... in particular how Cobb(played by Leonardo Di’carprio) was fighting with his own guilt which consistently haunted his subconscious

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but yes I have recurring dreams of the same nature, since the start of IB
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not so much of guilt, but more of insecurity.... which could manifest itself in bouts of creepy paranoia..