Grade Point Average

I wish I could just not be intimidated by those 3 words :(

Shine

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Shine Your light so I can see You

Pull me up, I need to be near You

Hold me, I need to feel love

Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?

one more day...

“you should really focus on your coming papers”

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Well another friend probed and I told her a bit of the story

but it was kinda weird because a little over half a year ago I was being stirred to death about her by my hall people

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But I’m really thankful I still have her as a good friend. There was a point of time I felt as if people made it seem as if I was poisonous and something dirty, something no one will ever want to be associated with.

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And I was questioning myself too. But I figured after a while it wasn’t the right thing to do anyway… the closest I ever came to the question was asking what she felt about the whole stir shit nonsense. She just told me to ignore it. Good advice.

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If I did attempt to initiate something then, it would have been simply been a shallow, selfish way of boosting my self-worth… Which isn’t found in having a romantic partner, but a relationship with God. And satisfaction is not found in human love but the love that God gives…

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I woke up today, and thought perhaps it’s be a day spent mugging up whatever was left. Felt much better after dying yesterday.
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Then I got a call.

Then I made a 2 hour diversion away from my study schedule…

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I was scolding myself and engaging in counterfactual thinking the whole time:

“Emil, you got your priorities all wrong...”

“There is a HSS FAL to print stuff, you didn’t have to do it”
“You could have just passed the printed stuff and let it be”
“You have an exam tomorrow, you need to study ”

Well evidently I didn’t care about myself, or my exam at all. I probably qualify for some form of delusional disorder or mental illness it seems… ‘Dysfunction“

I hope I’m not being taken for granted… sigh..

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“…love as Christ loved the church… ”(Eph 5:25)

Although the idea of being able to emulate the kind of love God gave us, that is, a self-sacrificial unconditional love seems like a nice thing to work towards.

But it’s damn bloody hard. How do you love without expecting reciprocation and something in return? Even my social psychology textbook tries to redefine altruistic behaviour as non-existent and operating on a utilitarian or ethical egoistic principles.

Sigh… if Jesus was indeed fully human, it must have been really painful to be led like a lamb to the slaughter, and die while being mocked and insulted.

again...

it was all fine and dandy. stealing a chair from the reading room, setting up a temporary table, laughing, enjoying being around with you all, being pretty happy and all that

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Then as soon as dinner was over, after you left, suddenly. BAM. I felt really tired and depressed. I dunno why it just hit me.

And I started to feel like really really shitty.

And all the nasty thoughts and everything I’ve been holding back for the past few days came back to haunt me.

Aleem and Vicki saw me in that state - but I just started getting whiny and told them I was tired. And I just fell asleep in my room with them there….

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I dunno whats wrong with me. Told myself that I didn’t care about anything anymore, I just wanted to stay happy and not re-visit the horrible month of September where I just had no motivation to do anything at all, not even study or attend lectures. But one cascading thought came after another, each more self-depreciating than the one before. Even sleep didn’t have the usual therapeutic effect it has. Fell asleep shitty, woke up shittier.

I miss having friends like Tim, or even John Tay, Daniel, Ding or Xunliang to talk to in times like this. At least in IB, they were all there to support me and pull me though the times I felt insecure and crappy. But I seemed like I retreated into my own bubble in NTU while they’re studying elsewhere.

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I wonder where it goes from now on… fight it, fight it off and be strong…

2 days before exams

and I still don’t feel stressed

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or prepared for that matter

ugh :(

Not a day goes by...

without the all too familiar roller-coaster thoughts and emotions

without me thinking about you in one way or another

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it’s almost obsessive, and it’s probably stupid and silly of me to be like this

but I don’t want to get upset and overthink this matter.

I rather stay happy and be glad you’re in some ways part of my life for now than to over think it…

Optimism is the way to go haha

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I don’t want you think that you’re obliged to owe me something and feel bad about it.

Being a friend to me is probably the best I can ever ask for now…

In fact the last few days have been the happiest(and also the most confusing) days of my life for a while…

I gave up trying to tell my mind to stop going crazy already...

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i guess, if things aren’t meant to be they just aren’t …

perhaps one day we’ll both move on in life and never see or talk to each other again… perhaps

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Tim and I wrote this as a farewell song to another friend a long time ago…:

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We will worship Jesus together

When He comes again…

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The greatest reunion...

Regression, Repression, Depression...

today, or rather yesterday was bizzare

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I’m kinda at a loss to describe how I felt, but it was a bit surreal.

but I really enjoy studying with other people much more than studying alone…

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The whole idea of repression is interesting. We can force our thoughts and feelings away down into out unconscious mind, but it’s very, VERY difficult to repress one’s body language. Like I read some study/stories that individuals with Wernicke’s Aphasia (who couldn’t understand words) were able to detect if individuals were lying solely based on their facial expressions and body language, and surprisingly were much more adept at detecting lies than regular individuals (p<0.05)

Okay, the 'p< 0.05' wasn't necessary, but considering I've been helping all sorts of different people with their stats the last few days, not surprising it popped up.

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But unconsciously or otherwise I found myself in a really weird seating posture a few times. After that I readjusted myself, but it still came back. Daheck lol. silly brain.

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And I think there’s one more thing I’m supposedly good at (besides stats), which is to make people ‘feel bad’. I mean if I don’t really mind going all out for another person, it’s my choice, and I guess the other individual doesn’t need to feel obliged to reciprocate? I don’t really know actually… but I always believed that we should not just repay a good deed, but pass it on to others. It makes the world a happier place(:

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I guess, the way things are, it is so much a normal part of the human development. Emotions are really what defines the human experience(okay I know they replicated ‘depression’ in rats, but whatever). And rather than fight against it, we should just enjoy it as it comes(:

I guess, just leave it as it is (:

Betty

Yeah I know I should be sleeping. lol...

...You've got your secrets, you've got your regrets

Darling, we all do...

Wise men say:

Only fools rush in…

but I can’t help

Falling in love with you…

nice cover (:

Suicide Idealation

Is a very depressing chapter to study:

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you learn so much about how these individuals who seem okay, but deep down they’re screaming and crying out for someone, somebody to listen to them

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that suicide becomes a way for them to express themselves to an uncaring world...

I feel

that I have no right to feel the way I feel when I see stuff like that

it’s technically none of my business

but I wish I could be the one to tell you that it’s not true, even though I don’t know what’s going on…

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it’s as if some magic spell was cast that binds my emotional state to another person

but it’s starting to invade every aspect of my thought life.

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I really need to get down to some serious studying and stop thinking about this matter. this matter can wait, but my exams can’t…

but I’m scared if I repress it too much I’ll start getting nightmares and go crazy after a while :/

Whatever it takes

love is:

" a form of mental illness not yet recognized in any of the standard diagnostic manuals."

- Stuart Sutherland, Psychologist, 1989

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it’s something I wish and hope remains special, and it’s not just about feelings, emotions,

it’s not just about reciprocation, because if all someone cares about is getting something back in return, it isn’t real.

it’s about showing what it means to love, not just in what you say…

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with that being said, I believe love has it’s proper place and time…

I can’t say I love a person in that sense, unless I really know the person, and appreciate who she is in all the imperfections and shortcomings that make her who she is.

Otherwise I’m merely blind, stupid or insane. No one is perfect, but we are made perfect through love(1 John 4:18)

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if you’re reading this, and you know who I’m thinking of, or maybe you don’t

but I remember that:

“We love because He first loved us” 1 John 4:19

and we don’t deserve God’s love, but He still gives it to us anyway…

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Vicki randomly asked me what traffic light status I was today. Pretty obvious I never had anyone else before…

but I wonder whether it’s as obvious as some people have pointed out…

sigh. I feel like I’m repressing a lot of what I’d like to say and feel,

because I don’t want to say the things you don’t want to hear…

Maybe I should talk to someone else about it…

In my place (II)

were lines that I couldn’t change…

how long must you wait for it?

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I could stand here and wait

and believe and hope someday

I could tell you about it

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Or I could leave it be

and just know its just the way things are meant to be...

the silliness of it all

crazy irrational thoughts, repression, knowing that it is merely wishful thoughts,

I really feel as if I’ve been stretched really thin so far,

maybe its just a way of coping and avoiding those self-condemning thoughts that pop up, busy yourself with everything, so you don’t have time to think.

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Is there a way out from this besides a potentially destructive catharsis which could mean I lose everything, with not even friendship to speak about?

I feel so at a loss for words to say how I really feel about everything around me. Like I know I’m expected to say, talk and behave in a certain manner, I know I’m being stupid… but I also wonder whether you know how I actually feel about it.

I know it’s a perfectly normal part of development: Erikson’s Intimacy vs isolation life task, but I’m stuck with what the textbook terms as rejection sensitivity… anxious insecure attachment

but knowing all these doesn’t change the way I feel...

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Anyway one of my major CF commitments is over - somehow YGAF didn’t turn out the success that I hoped it would be. I met up with a few people I haven’t had the chance to meet and interact for quite a while… and I’m not sure what I expected either… I guess everyone is busy with exams and it wasn’t the best time, but oh well...

Half of my heart

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Wonder when I’ll need to move on again… it seems like forever…
since I first met you, since I began sharing my life with you, since I was told to leave you alone, since we didn’t talk, since we started talking again…
but I still haven’t resolved the feelings within me…

Behavioural Inhibition System

I haven’t yet resolved the conflict within myself.

It’s scary because i know how dangerous it is and how much it can really ruin things if I made a mistake.

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I thought to myself about the 3 different aspects of psychology we study today:

Affect

Behaviour

Cognition

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What matters a lot is really how we present ourselves to others, our behaviour.

Deviant emotion and cognition can easily be hidden so no one knows what you’re really feeling or thinking

but people judge you based on how one behaves, they respond based on that…

How well adjusted one appears is based off behaviour..

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So if I suppress my thoughts and my emotions, would it work out better in the end?

Ironically while everything about the issue I’m grappling with can make me deliriously happy, in the same way it can make me utterly depressed.

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This guy said it well:

"Love is a form of mental illness not yet recognised in any of the standard diagnostic manuals." - Stuart Sutherland

Draw a line

Not sure how to feel about it.

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Granted, I’m more cautious, while I can inhibit behaviour and impulses,

I’m still very bad at handling intrusive thoughts

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I’m scared. I know its not meant to be, but I’m still vulnerable…

Up and down

Thankful for being appreciated (:

and the awesome people working with me

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but wondering about the past

and hoping for the best in the future...

Wish I was cold as Stone

I wouldn’t hurt this way…

it's a quarter after one

I’m all alone, and I need you now :’(