Days beyond the 1 yr 10mths

its almost time before I end this season of my life, couple 2-3 more months
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while most have already done it and collected back the legendary pink ICs
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but either way... perhaps at this juncture, I’ve come to realise something
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I’ve learnt more to be alone these few months...
partly because I’m not willing to open up to most of my church friends,
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partly because most the the closer guy friends i have in SG seem like robots, devoid of any emotional capacity,
consistently in pursuit of ‘rationality’
(while I know yes they have feelings, but I guess its a sad guy mentality that one needs to hide his emotions)
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partly because all the people I trust and confide in are overseas... partly because uni life seems to suck everyone into it
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I really appreciate these people who have been there for me during my army life in on way or another
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In no particular order
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Tim
Petrina
Charles
Marc
Amanda

Tina
Ding
Christina

John
Dan
XL

Rach
Joyce
Melissa

During BMT:
Lamzy
Kenneth lee
James

OETI:
Jeremy

3AMB:
Sean Tan
Shawnrick
Yongshen

Regulars:
ME2 Ben
ME3 Lim
ME4 Jhon

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it seems rather sentimental,
the way I write these kind of appreciation lists ( which I guess a few of you who might read my blog or FB notes might stumble upon)
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one more step closer

I applied on time
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interview on
191110, 1400hrs (UTC +11)
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God knows my heart
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but I don’t even know mine anymore

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我不知道怎麽想

Secrets

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing that we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve

And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Sending it straight to gold
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'm 'a tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, all my secrets away

---

20 years, of blessings and sorrows, thank You for taking care of me thus far

but life cant be a series of coincidences without intention

I can be so honest about everything to you
except this thing...

yeah I’m not the same as another irritating guy am I?

but its been hard to straighten out my thoughts for the past 4 years

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for my birthday now, I wish that God will make a way , unless it is not His way...

medicine, church, relationships,

everything that matters to me...

Apps

2 Choices
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trying and potentially getting disappointed, one way or another
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not trying, wondering , & regretting
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intentions are important
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but I shall:
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Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment. (Ecc 11:9)

okay I dont know whether to feel:

hurt about being left out
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disappointed
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or just plain indifferent...
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I have other friends whom I don’t consider as close
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who at least bother about me... even without me asking to
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okay maybe I should just not bother looking at facebook
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at least what I dont know wont hurt me

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then again perspective wise
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maybe you’d think I have really no right? i dont really know
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okay let me rot through the rest of my life, I’m done with trying too hard ...

Inception

“The most dangerous thing is an idea that takes hold in someone’s mind.”
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Watching this movie with the usual crowd, the 3 girls, XL, chng, and charles (who graciously provided the tickets) as well as nick
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it was interesting on how the whole movie revolved around the ideas of subconscious and dreams... in particular how Cobb(played by Leonardo Di’carprio) was fighting with his own guilt which consistently haunted his subconscious

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but yes I have recurring dreams of the same nature, since the start of IB
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not so much of guilt, but more of insecurity.... which could manifest itself in bouts of creepy paranoia..

I had yet another dream

it was the same place as yesterday, same arrangements, same room, same people
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except Charles was there where Tim sat
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and he seemed to make a couple of remarks which made us pretty awkward
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but sometimes, in spite of stuff
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even if its awkward, I sometimes wish it was true
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I wish things wouldn't drift apart so easily =/
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why  ='(

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I guess one needs to deal with emotions in a mature and logical manner,
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I guess one also need to know when to move on...
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but not yet, not yet....

make time

someone I know told me this
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‘in life, there’s really no such thing as being too busy... we are all given the same amount of time
just whether you’re willing to make time for a friend... ‘
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I'm always willing...
... to make time to do things to make you happy (hopefully lol)
... to make time to sit at a bench outside a basket ball court at chevrons to wait for the exact time to press the send button
... to make time to travel down to whitley after work just to pass something along
... to make time to pray for you while you are away
... to make time to wake up early, to find my way there even if a friend has forgotten
... to make time to sit down and write and think...

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just like how you were willing...
... to make time to listen to my silly problems
... to make time to stand up for me when others were mean
... to sit out at a mcdonalds waiting for me and watching me eat even though you had dinner at home
... to put up with a sometimes annoying, irritating, immature me

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time really flies I guess

we all grow up... and moved on to different phases in our lives

but I do know something..

God is always willing to be there for us... all the time...

and thats the greatest assurance we all have... (:

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Marc told me this
sometimes we need to remove ourselves from situations that might lead to us being socially awkward
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Tim told me this:
that in many things, we need to give people time, people time to change, we need to be patient in loving one another.
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time is something we don’t really understand
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but I think its in not understanding, that we learn to have faith in God who transcends time...

CD reviews

My ratings for the CDs I just bought over the week at TP .. haha

Passion: Awakening -> (4.3/5)
- Love the opening track(awakening - Chris Tomlin) which hasn't been released elsewhere...
- These songs really speak out the cry of a generation desperate for God.

tobyMac - Tonight -> (3.7/5)
- This being the first album from tobyMac I bought... so I’m not too familiar with his other albums
- The R&B style is cool, but not exactly to my taste...
- I like the track City On Our Knees though

MercyMe - The Generous Mr Lovewell -> (4.7/5)
- Lighthearted and catchy songs, done in a way that really lifts the spirit up (:

Hillsong -The Beautiful Exchange -> (4.1/5)
- On first hearing, it feels like a typical Hillsong album,
- Similar to the trend of the past few albums, largely guitar and effect synth/ pad driven..
- Closer hearing however allows me to appreciate the album more...
- Some of the lyrics are pretty meaningful too, esp. the title track (which is also extremely long - 10:43)

what ifs

last words - various artists
then you must show me your new.... friend... must be cute okay, not like...
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-----------------
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hypothetically if that happened...
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I mean I try to convince myself
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that everything would be alright ...
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that I’ll just say the cliche of ‘its all in God’s will’ and therefore I’ll be thankful and give thanks to God
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-----------------
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but maybe in reality
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maybe I would be crushed beyond measure
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maybe I would just fall into a trap of cynicism
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and maybe...

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there really isn’t any point of thinking about it now
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I found myself thinking about what I am not
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I’m not perfect, more imperfect than so many other people
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maybe it’s just another form of discouragement
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seasons in life come and go
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circumstances don’t make sense so many times
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we all fall short of what we could be
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but I guess
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everything works by the grace of God... only He can piece together all the broken pieces of life
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So I pose a question
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God is this really a thorn in the flesh meant for me to endure, so I can truly say that Your grace is sufficient for me, and You power is made perfect in my weakness?
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or it’s a test of time? a test of how much I’m willing to change, to learn, to grow in maturity...

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-----------------
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maybe I should just listen to advice a close, precious friend of mine told me... 2 years ago
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‘why do you still hang on to some hope when you know there's practically none?’
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‘and yeah just look forward to pure friendship i guess’
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‘it’s better than nothing’
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‘cos well if there's some element of hope’
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‘then of course it's worth hanging on to that feeling (maybe) ‘
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so is there hope, at all? i wonder...

Fruit

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
(Galatians 5:16-26)
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________________________
Reading this passage again, after a night of tears, of wrestling with God, of everything I heard from Marc, from sitting opposite Trevose at a park... from fighting with myself while watching buses after buses pass me by
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this passage frightens me...
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how many times do ‘christians’, my friends, myself,

• engage in malice, hatred... ?


• have selfish ambitions for our own gain?


• put things before God, whether it is our comfort, our pleasure, our processions, our relationships, which constitute idolatry?


• indulge in drunkenness and wild parties?

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________________________
if we do , even just a bit, we cannot inherit the life that God has promised us, we cannot meet him because we are not holy... and anything which isn’t holy cannot stand before the presence of God
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if we do, we’re no better than the ‘assistant cell group leader’ of a liberal church movement, whom I heard a certain friend of mine talk about with regard to his promiscuous behaviour...
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________________________
Sin is sin...
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there is no such thing as a lesser sin or greater sin... God hates sin, there isn’t a difference between big or small...
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________________________
I have heard of people who tell me about how everything is fine, they justify sin by making less of it, by saying its about drawing the line,
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but if we really are saved, if we have Christ in us as the ruler over our lives...
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we would have ‘crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires’
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and the question no longer becomes about ‘where to draw the line, and how to go as close to it as possible with stepping over’
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but about whether we glorify God in our actions... or dishonour his name

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________________________
this really is a wake up call for me...
to pray
ask God for forgiveness
ask God to give grace
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and ask that God will restore all of us who have fallen into the trap of a worldly lifestyle

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________________________
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somehow I’ve been putting certain things in my life above my walk with God
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its not about compromising values to fit in,
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not about trying to do everything to be appreciated and to be able to enjoy the company of a certain friend
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sigh... I need forgiveness... I’m so sorry...

and I don't know why, I cant keep my eyes off you...

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its 3am
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I wonder why should I get so upset over a small matter like this...
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but I guess... yeah...

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everything is beautiful...

gravity

a force that pulls each of us down to earth
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I think...
it’ll be time
for a reality check
sooner or later
sigh...

responses to the question

everyone says a variety of different things, or same things in a similar way:
’...tell...’
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‘wait and see lor’
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they all tell me that it won’t make much difference
if the answer is different
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but yeah... I guess its a thought...
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if I expect too much from a friend...
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if i missed you too much...
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if i had depended on you too much...
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too much for my own good anyway...
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.`

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Charles shared about
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friendships and relationships built upon Christ
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something we should treasure the most...
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and i do treasure ...
more than many things in life...

Thank God its friday

http://cdn2.libsyn.com/mb/tmbs-060707-thank_god_its_friday.mp3

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‘nuff said...

Love is waiting

A song by Brooke Fraser...:


In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you are mine...

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

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Looking at circumstances around
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look before you leap
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wait for God
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to make everything beautiful in its time...

sleepwalks

the first played upon my feelings of inadequacy as a young BB officer with little experience...
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the second.
was a random wandering upon the corridors of ACS
it seemed as if though it was some random bday surprise for me (although it was highly unlikely since my bday fall upon a non-school day)
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but it seemed like nothing to me
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it was opposite at block B facing the Clock tower
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sitting and waiting... ...
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a few brief moments...
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the alarm rings - time to go to work
sigh...
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I guess I’ve been thinking much about stuff... looks like they also like to invade my dreams
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I wish...
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but how true it is
that it is not so much the grandeur that matters
-
but the sincerity...
sigh...

March

Recently, or perhaps for a long time really, slowly and surely, life has been sort of reduced to a sort of routine:

weekdays - NS NS NS NS
Weekends - BB, CHURCH MINISTRIES, FRIENDS ETC
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there’s been so much its so hard to squeeze God inside... although I still remember one of the many school devotions that was shared by Alistair Su (Year 9)
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“it is not just about putting God first, its also about putting God 2nd, 3rd, 4th... in everything”
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yes maybe I’ve been reflecting on God and His work in my life, throughout the week
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but there isn’t moments, where I could truly sit down, reflect and take time to be still before God
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No QT, no FireAC, no spiritual retreat,
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no recharge, burnout...

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somehow a lot of people like to put emphasis in serving God - the more spiritual one is if they do more things for God
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but this is a lie... I have so busy trying to do too many things for church and BB, and trying to spend time with non-christian and christian friends alike, trying perhaps in my conversations to bring more people to think about the gospel and God, of life and its meaning...
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yet I dont feel spiritual at all, I dont feel as if I can feel God closely by my side like I used to....
-

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yet another thing, about my friendships with a few particular people who have always been there for me in the past, but somehow it become a case where:
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they’re busy with life elsewhere in the world, be it in cambridge or mcgill, doing life, being busy with sch.
it being difficult to convey my own struggles via packets of internet data(the only means of conversation) with them.
Somehow many times I feel so insecure ... its like I’m always scared that I encroach upon people’s space... after all they have their own life to attend to, why would they be bothered with me?
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sigh I wish they would come back soon... but oh well
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was at St James Powerstation the other day, was invited by Han an (who had won free tickets) to watch a gig by Alarice and some of my other church mates who were her musicians
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somehow her music has always been inspiring and uplifting... even as I got my second autographed album from her...
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but as she did talk about her own song writing journey
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but I remember I myself, I used to write my own songs, a year back so to speak
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but somehow I lack the inspiration to pen down more songs... its at if my experiences of God, of life, all lie in the past
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but how do I rediscover God again?
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in the past, it was struggling with competing loves, but loving another who didn’t love back is a different issue anyway
it was as if the pain of being rejected would draw me closer to God
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but I don’t have to think so much of the past
this is now, this is my life, a life which can do so many things
the challenge now is not so much of a trial
but merely the danger of monotony consuming me...
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I also have another question
would uprooting myself from all my ministries in Singapore
and starting anew somewhere else...
hopefully somewhere I still have familiar people to depend on
and perhaps that could open a new chapter with my spiritual walk with God
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or is there another motive for doing so? sigh...

Thoughts of religious harmony

Following the incident regarding Ps Rony Tan’s interview with the buddhist converts - and the subsequent controversy, media blow up and apology, I have a few thoughts
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Firstly respect is important, for obvious reasons. The Bible did tell us to set a good testimony for the gentiles to see... hence I guess posting sensitive clips on the web(a public domain where many other ppl not of the faith can see) is not a wise idea.
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Secondly , and also something I believe strongly , ‘Religious harmony’ and true Christianity is NOT compatible. I feel rather disappointed with Ps Rony having to bend under pressure and promote our government’s agenda.
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Religious tolerance is not an issue, Christians can live among other non-Christians without riots and stuff. We can still display our beliefs without mocking others.
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However the idea of religious harmony, where everyone starts accepting each other beliefs (i.e. Your God is okay for me, my God is okay also, all the same God) is total heresy.
Inter-religious events that the government promotes should not be supported.
We cannot accept the beliefs of other religions and so called ‘respect’ them because we know in our hearts that they are all false religions. We ourselves know that Jesus is the only true way to God, and it is our responsibility to preach the gospel to as many as possible so as to bring more into His Kingdom. We will fail in our duty as Christians if we decide to tell everyone all religions lead to the same God, same values etc.
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We are not Buddhists who believe in truth that is pragmatic and subjective (e.g. all that matters regardless of which way we go, whatever god we follow, as long as I can break out of karma and attain enlightenment thats all the matter)
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I’m not downplaying the beliefs of others, but I’m merely pointing out the differences.
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Christianity, Judaism and Islam however is different because each of these 3 believe in empirical objective truth that has only one way. We believe that there is only one true God and all other gods are false. Christianity believes there is only one true way to heaven, and that is through repentance, and forgiveness through Jesus Christ.
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Christianity by itself is meant to be hateful to the world. The Gospel is noted to be a stumbling block and foolishness (1 Cor 1:23), Jesus said that he has not come to bring peace but a sword (Matt 10:24).
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Christians in the past have been persecuted by the authorities for their faith. Many will quote Romans 13 to me with regard to submitting to authorities. This however does not mean with submit our faith and moral beliefs as dictated by authorities. We believe that while submitting to authorities include serving NS, obeying the law of the country etc., it definitely does not include moral or faith based issues. For instance we do not support the government’s agenda of promoting the IR casino. Hence we cannot also support the Government’s ‘religious harmony’ issue blindly without considering it’s terms.
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These are my thoughts so far. I have been as frank as I can be, while trying to be sensitive, and sincerely hope no one gets offended.

11:9

Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment.
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Ecc 11:9
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Stop and Stare

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onOTaGayhU4

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I’m think I’m moving but I get nowhere...
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sometimes it seems this seems to be the case
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where am I one year away from the past?
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I’ve moved away from what I thought was precious in the past
-
I see...
but its gone away; too far away
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if life is really a lot about finding fulfilment - at least from the view of the secular, hedonistic man...
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so say I thought computer games were the thing that was fulfilling - sec3,4
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I thought being with somebody whom I liked was considered fulfilling - year 5,6
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but I realised everything so wrong about it, why it wont work, why it was a good thing it wasn’t mutual...
why everyone kept telling me off
-
so if something makes sense yet no sense to me...
so if dan comments on why I can readily accept the flaws of one but not another...
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its difficult to make out how I feel about stuff...
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since I’ve more or less alone when it comes to my inner emotions and feelings, I never share them with anyone anymore...
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I know God knows... but
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I need to take comfort from that...
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that He makes all things beautiful
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in His time... ...

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I need to stop procrastinating about applying to NUS
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I know I cant get the first choice I want - no med/dentistry
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I know I shouldn’t go overseas... no matter how tempted I am to apply to a far far place at the other side of the globe
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sigh.... =/