March

Recently, or perhaps for a long time really, slowly and surely, life has been sort of reduced to a sort of routine:

weekdays - NS NS NS NS
Weekends - BB, CHURCH MINISTRIES, FRIENDS ETC
-
there’s been so much its so hard to squeeze God inside... although I still remember one of the many school devotions that was shared by Alistair Su (Year 9)
-
“it is not just about putting God first, its also about putting God 2nd, 3rd, 4th... in everything”
-
yes maybe I’ve been reflecting on God and His work in my life, throughout the week
-
but there isn’t moments, where I could truly sit down, reflect and take time to be still before God
-
No QT, no FireAC, no spiritual retreat,
-
no recharge, burnout...

---

somehow a lot of people like to put emphasis in serving God - the more spiritual one is if they do more things for God
-
but this is a lie... I have so busy trying to do too many things for church and BB, and trying to spend time with non-christian and christian friends alike, trying perhaps in my conversations to bring more people to think about the gospel and God, of life and its meaning...
-
yet I dont feel spiritual at all, I dont feel as if I can feel God closely by my side like I used to....
-

---

yet another thing, about my friendships with a few particular people who have always been there for me in the past, but somehow it become a case where:
-
they’re busy with life elsewhere in the world, be it in cambridge or mcgill, doing life, being busy with sch.
it being difficult to convey my own struggles via packets of internet data(the only means of conversation) with them.
Somehow many times I feel so insecure ... its like I’m always scared that I encroach upon people’s space... after all they have their own life to attend to, why would they be bothered with me?
-
sigh I wish they would come back soon... but oh well
-

---

was at St James Powerstation the other day, was invited by Han an (who had won free tickets) to watch a gig by Alarice and some of my other church mates who were her musicians
-
somehow her music has always been inspiring and uplifting... even as I got my second autographed album from her...
-
but as she did talk about her own song writing journey
-
but I remember I myself, I used to write my own songs, a year back so to speak
-
but somehow I lack the inspiration to pen down more songs... its at if my experiences of God, of life, all lie in the past
-
but how do I rediscover God again?
-

---

in the past, it was struggling with competing loves, but loving another who didn’t love back is a different issue anyway
it was as if the pain of being rejected would draw me closer to God
-
but I don’t have to think so much of the past
this is now, this is my life, a life which can do so many things
the challenge now is not so much of a trial
but merely the danger of monotony consuming me...
-
I also have another question
would uprooting myself from all my ministries in Singapore
and starting anew somewhere else...
hopefully somewhere I still have familiar people to depend on
and perhaps that could open a new chapter with my spiritual walk with God
-
or is there another motive for doing so? sigh...