Wait

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD...

(Ps 27:14)

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The ACS (I) auditorium(old) had a verse stuck to the wall. I remember doing my O levels there, gazing up and looking at it, not knowing where I would be after that...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways acknowledge Him

And He will make your paths straight.

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

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I'm still wondering where the road goes after everything... I know I shouldn't worry or think too much, but I keep thinking about the same old things. It's like I can't trust God anymore...

God has been faithful to me in so many ways. And there's a lot for me to give thanks for. But somehow the waiting has taken a toll on me.

Jesus, help me to have faith...

Moralistic Anxiety

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

(Romans 7:18-20)

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Church sometimes makes it feels like we're all perfect and happy, when the truth is, we'll all empty and weak. We think we're better than people out there, but the truth is:

"None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands; no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one."

(Romans 3:11-12)

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Christianity is not a bed of roses. It's not about the highs, about us being a happy holy huddle, but a struggle, a race towards the destination of faith. Along the way we fall down, we get ensnared by the world, we sin.

Christianity is about real lives, not about a social script where we say holy things to each other, say certain things and learn how to conform to church language. Real life can hurt sometimes, and its a lie that God will only let good things happen to us just because we're Christians.

God has every right to withdraw physical healing from us, or give us suffering and trials that are beyond our understanding. I cringe every time I hear stuff like "Jesus, we know that You will do this, We claim this promise etc...".

What right do we have to demand that God does our bidding? God does not promise a life free of suffering, sickness and pain. God however promises that He'll be with us:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

(Psalms 23:4)

And that is what really matters…

Positive Psychology

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Matthew 6:31-34

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Hope is something we need to hold on to, to believe in, and to experience.

Reading the chapter on Martin Seligman’s and Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi’s (what a mouthful for a name x_x) ideas behind positive psychology is really interesting. Exploring the ideas behind how to be happy (:

And interestingly today for band practice we discussed the idea of not worrying - Seek God first, and He will provide. So I want to do just that, think less about stuff that bothers me and trust that He will make everything beautiful in His time…

Musings

Studying through a whole load of stuff which I definitely remember covering before… from the Carter McGoldrick Family model and the psychology of intimate relationships.

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Whenever I come across the chapter on intimate relationships, somehow I find really difficult not for my mind to wander off and start thinking of other things. It’s almost obsessive somehow, and I wonder…

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The textbook tries its best to break down the complexity of such emotion into such ‘simple’ forms which don’t seem to convey the same depth of emotion as what is usually and really experienced. I remember mentioning about it last year to the CF freshmen after the camp regarding the stuff I studied before. Similarity, proximity, mere exposure… attachment styles and what not. Triangular theory, Rejection sensitivity… More stuff like that… seems like it’s simple and easy.

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I feel like a retard, but I like to think about possible futures sometimes. Like a lot of what-ifs. And I’m scared of what you would think if you knew how much you mean to me… I’m scared you would be the same as everyone else, shun me and leave me alone after that…

Rejection Sensitivity

The past should never kill the hope which is the future…

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

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Ate a lunch with Anna today at the Star Vista. Partly because I asked 2 different people out for lunch and got turned down twice (she joked that she was my last choice haha). Tim sum at Caton paradise was a nice way to celebrate the end of the semester(and the end of my year 2 journey in NTU).

Maybe after all thats happened in the past I tend to misconstrue the social construals of the present… I try to hide it and not show it but it still affects me somehow…

Catastrophic thinking…

Depression is dangerous downward spiral…

Negative thoughts, negative misattributions,

Catastrophic thinking…

“you will never be good enough… “

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Saw this in class…

We will be alright, if we walk in His light

It's been a strange yesterday.

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Whatever happened during the CF AGM was pretty unexpected and dramatic. Still not very sure what I signed myself up for. And it feels so much like a repeat of last year... Except this time I was dragged in front, had to make a completely impromptu speech, and take a mass volley of difficult questions, before being told that I didn't have to do it... Oh shucks.

I've always taken a interest in the issues facing that particular aspect of campus ministry. So see how it goes.

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Rewind a bit more. To the meeting I wasn't 'supposed' to have. I know ppl would start the whole nonsense again if they saw. School isn't exactly the most private place to be in. But I found myself in a place where I actually felt happy, not bothering to think so much at that point of time except I was sitting down sharing life with a friend. Of course reality hits once everything is over. Maybe I'm just obsessing over it too much. Maybe...

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Its love that holds us

We will be alright

It's truth that shows us

If we walk in His light…

A break

I’m not sure why I’m so affected by something like this. I end up smiling like an idiot, a bit tongue-tied. Before I end up ruminating and wondering why I’m feeling like this…

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I’ve been falling back to the same old problems somehow, there isn’t enough strength to sustain me against the whole influx of work, problems and questions.

People actually might ask me what’s there to worry or think about, because I’m actually doing pretty well academically this semester (all the quizzes and assignments are sitting comfortably on the right side of the curve, save for Thai which I S/U-ed, and Choir which hasn’t really been assessed yet.).

I thank God that somehow I managed to sustain myself through His Grace, and despite a lack of revision and studying everything seems to turn out okay.

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But there’s always one nagging question and thought with regard to my relationships and the current uneasy status quo I’ve settled myself into. I’m scared breaking out of it is going to cost me a lot more than I bargained for, but staying the way things are going to make me even worse. I can’t bear the thought that voicing out my thoughts may destroy everything we built up, yet not saying anything is going to leave me nowhere either…

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Daryl used to be amazed by how I apparently never study (at least not while he’s awake). Oh wells. I’ll end up doing the same magic trick again and again…

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