Friday, 14 September 2012

its not the same...





This semester seems to be chaos…
I thought I had everything planned out, step down from some roles, move up on to other things
-
but everything seems to be screw up after screw up, disappointment after disappointment…



I took a jog around at 4am the other night. down to Yunan gardens and the Nanyang arch.
sat down
cried
asked God why things turned out the way they did...




“they don’t want you because of your character”
-
but its lies that people say, and construals and impressions,
because they don’t know what I actually said, did or asked last year…
-



you don’t have to apologise if its not your fault…
you don’t have to blame yourself if its not your fault…
-
and you dont need to care what people say about you
it’s your heart and conscience that matters
and God knows and sees your heart...

Monday, 10 September 2012

Counterfactual Thinking

But life isn’t like a computer programme where you can just Ctrl(Cmd) + Z every single thing you did…

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Cognitive dissonance

to maintain a stable sense of self, you sit back and change ur choices and thoughts


-


and in effect, rewrite history as it seems…

I don't want to mess this thing up...


I don’t want to push too far…

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Friendships and more...

I starred an email a friend sent to me more than a year ago. it was a reminder to me…




“ I never knew what your intentions were; all I knew was that I felt uncomfortable…”


“but, emil, you have to learn where to draw the line between treating a friend as a good friend and treating a friend as more than a good friend“




My response:


”I've always thought of you as a friend all along... And when people started saying things about us, I was rather confused... On one hand I really treasured the friendship we had... And I didn't want to screw it up because of what other people tell me...“




I look at it then and now. Maybe history is repeating itself, 2, 3, times :(


I really hope not though :(



But I dunno why I never ever get a chance to trash talk things out to draw boundaries…


it always progresses to a point of no return…

Friday, 7 September 2012

It's really none of my business...

maybe… the only thing to do is pray...

chasing the blues away

It’s the second time in a week, that I felt such waves of negative emotions overwhelm me, to the point of tears.




It’s never just about one issue. Somehow it just seems like I’m spending a lot of my time alone… even a church friend who bumped into me in school a few times seems to point it out.


-


Sometimes the way you treat me, I dunno why I still bother considering you a friend…


I know I said and did stuff last time which you weren’t comfortable with, but you don’t need to do that to me you know…


Whatever happened in the past is over. I did my best to get over it…


I want to pretend whatever I said and did never happened… but you’re not making it any easier for me…




After everything, it seems like the best thing to do, with no lunch, and not much appetite, was to go back to the music room in hall to bang out all my frustrations on the piano. Somehow that always seem to work for me…




And finally, CF Thurs SS CG… I contemplated switching to another day in lieu of hall commitments, but I’m still not sure. Seeing/catching up with a friend I haven’t spoken/texted since last semester was really uplifting. Even if you didn’t realise it, I really appreciate your friendship… it helped me get through my last semester somehow…




God, give me emotional strength to get through this semester, and wisdom to make the right choices and decisions…

Thursday, 6 September 2012

I wrote a really long post

About a conversation I had with an old friend, from Hall 12 to Hall 11, slinging a guitar bag, waiting for a bus which never came..


-


But I guess it’s not a good idea to put it here...

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Falling

Cause the best part is falling…
… I hope that you catch me, cause I’m already falling...

Monday, 20 August 2012

Distance...

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Time

"Yesterday's the past and tomorrow's the future. Today is a gift - which is why they call it the present."


-- Bill Keane




And while we never forget the lessons (and hurts or regrets) of the past, we look forward to what is to come in the future.


And we cherish what we have now, because it’s what makes the difference

Cascades

The random moments of irrationality

when one negative thought leads to another and its like drowning




In times like this:

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
Psalms 121

Friday, 17 August 2012

Though I walk through..

...the valley of the shadow of death


I will fear no evil…


for You are with me….


Your rod and staff they comfort me…





why am I so scared if there’s nothing to be scared about?

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Accolades

all but meaningless to me…


but only because of the grace of the One who has seen me though the past year


and who will see me through the next one and so on…

Thursday, 9 August 2012

AY2012/2013

Entering this Acad year with new expectations and hopes.


-


Seems too silly to set goals and stuff, so I guess its:


“Whatever happens, Jesus, You’ll be in control… help me to recognise that… and trust that...”

Sunday, 5 August 2012

A Thousand Years




We wonder where dreams and hopes go…


of innocent ideas of some ‘perfect one“ to come



when reality strikes, we realise that the ”one“ will never be perfect…


its just the question of whether it’s the right time, the right moment, the right person, and the right circumstances…



In God’s perfect time, place and plan…





DISCLAIMER:


The choice of music above is not an indication of any endorsement of the Twilight saga(Movie, not the book). For that matter, I choose the lyric video instead of the MV as I do not need pictures of Kristen Steward and Robert Patterson contaminating my blog…

Friday, 3 August 2012

if it doesn't break your heart...

… it isn’t love…




every breath is a second chance…




Cause real love
is hard love…
It’s all we have
It’s a break-neck
Train wreck
It’s all we have…





song quotes… (:
oh well :/

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Harvercity

Most of my friends will probably know my disdain for the theology and practices of the City Harvest Church. I personally object to its doctrines and teachings on prosperity, the “lottery tithe” incentives, and now, the possible fraudulent accounting.


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However at the current state of affairs, with the MSM launching a full on assault against CHC and in essence, the Church in singapore, and the number of spiteful and hurtful comments by Christians (who ironically were not the donors of the CHC funds)



(2 Cor 2:6-8)


If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.



In essence, we should support and pray for Pastor Kong Hee, while not making assumptions of his guilt or innocence until the investigations are over. While his theology and lifestyle may not be congruent to what christian living should entail, he is after all , still a brother in Christ. I believe that God has a intention with regard to this incident, and CHC, the church in Singapore, and Pastor Kong Hee will come out from this incident stronger. It is not prosperity that makes a Christian grow, it is the tests, trials and temptations that build out faith.





My summarised thoughts on the whole incident:



1. I think if the allegations of deceit and CBT are true as reported by the MSM are true, it is clearly wrong and horrible. Kong Hee and his CHC board must face the music for the damage this incident has done to the church's reputation. Deceit and money laundering is clearly against biblical values



2. However equally bad are the christians who are pouring out fire, hell and brimstone and quoting "go to hell" verses at Kong Hee and CHC. it is completely contrary to the teachings of Christ and the apostles.



3. When everything blows over, CHC, churches and other christian organisations should do a postmortem and see what went wrong. Why was there no one to keep a check on Kong Hee and the board's decisions? I suspect its a classic case of groupthink in CHC.



4. Kong Hee intent is not inherently or deliberately evil. He did not found City Harvest as a means to fleece people of their money. In fact he requested not being paid a salary, but the board insisted until the mid 2000 decade. What probably happened was a slow bit by bit compromise to lead to the lavish lifestyle he leads now.



5. The prosperity gospel is clearly wrong and contrary to biblical teachings. However too few people have dared to stand up against it and shoot it down. It's our responsibility as Christians to warn others about its allure, and convict and convince our church leaders on its dangers.




Sunday, 10 June 2012

Random rant about politics in Singapore

Random rant(after reading some comments on FB regarding the HG by-elections):

example:
“If he(Desmond Choo) wins, democracy loses. If he loses, I hope PAP will be fair to him and let him go to another ward.”

Voting for PAP is not "a step backwards for democracy". Democracy simply means I have a right to choose WP, SDP, NSP, SPP, PAP and whatever government I want to have.

It's precisely because we have democracy, which is why 60% still can vote for PAP.

If not you(fanatical Opposition supporters) might as well stage a coup to overthrow the PAP for your deluded perception of democracy....


Update:
I posted this as a status, and some FB friends asked me if I was joking about SG having democracy. I don’t know what their idea of democracy is, but to me, they should take a look at countries like China, N Korea, Cuba etc.. to get a better perspective of what “ no democracy entails...