I think I'm moving but I get nowhere...

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Had a really refreshing talk with CY today.

Maybe people will finally realise I exist…

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“I mean it’s the thing for the guy to do…”

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Crazy time trying to teach 15 worship songs + harmony to non-christians. I sometimes wonder if it actually means anything to them. I mean it’s just lyrics and music to be performed, nothing else right? But I don’t know.

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Like how I won’t put conviction into this phrase

“Just praying to a God I don’t believe in”

when we perform The Script’s ‘Breakeven’…

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Strange how things can turn out the way they did. Either one way or another…

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I lost a lot of the conviction I had when we had the whole canvassing fiasco. I wish I could interact with some people more, but I dunno where to draw the line. I also dunno if it’s a good idea to just have catharsis and see what happens, or just stick to status quo. But status quo feels strangely suffocating…

Breathe

Every time this happens I feel as if I can’t breathe or do anything. I don’t think you know how conflicted I feel, how my insides turned to ice, and how I couldn’t shake off this strange queasy feeling even as I left…

I want to move on away from this and feel free again, but there’s a part of me that still wont let go…

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I dunno how to solve this issue. I bury myself with everything to forget, run away. I try to picture myself in another possible situation, distance myself and see how it goes…

But every time I think I’m ready it turns out… nothing has changed.

Distortions

Reality is crashing to the floor. Everything feels so empty and meaningless again…

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We shared Christ to a friend today. Strange how God gives these random opportunities…

Conflicted

Truth about it is sometimes the words you say can hurt a lot. And sometimes it’s all just a facade to hide all the sadness and melancholy within.

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I’m not sure what to think. Sometimes I feel guilty about myself harbouring these thoughts because I know it’s not what it’s supposed to be. But I think perhaps the expectation and former pain of rejection somehow distorted the way I perceive stuff. Enjoying the company of another person does not indicate romantic interest. I need to draw that line...

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If you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything.

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‘Criteria’ isn’t the right word to use.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just not think too much about it, say out everything I want to say and move on. Like really move on because I know I’ve met a dead end and it’s not going to change any time. But I know I can’t bring myself to do it until it’s said right in my face. It doesn’t help that I still get reminded of it every time…

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I’m still not quite sure of where my heart lies…

Left out

Sometimes I wonder where the people I felt were the closest to me in my first sem have gone to… I see pictures, I see them doing their stuff - without me…

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It sucks. And having experienced it before I know kicking up a fuss won’t make any difference. The only thing I can do is to ignore it and move on… act as if it’s not hurting me or meaning anything to me at all.

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I keep wondering, all these thoughts in a small confused mind, and question my motives again and again. I kinda know it’s probably impossible, but I just don’t think I could just move on like that. I’m not that kind of person. If it means that much to me, I usually don’t give up that easily either. Yet I’m scared I might just settle for something less than what God intends for me in my insecurity and fear…

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Maybe redemption has stories to tell

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Where you gonna go?

Salvation is here...