The Night Sky

Raffles Place at 9:45pm is a tranquil, peaceful and a refreshing place to be...

You shoot me down

but I wont fall...

The Lines

between sin and morality

between fear and love

between hope and despair

between truth and lies

between aspirations and obligations

between conviction and apathy

between reality and delusion

between friendship and romance…

The lines are blurring and blending and feathering, that our bruised, battered, seared conscience can no longer differentiate between the 2.

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I did tell you that if you’re not interested in it you could pull out…

But I am… just had so many things on my mind that I pushed this to the far back of my mine…

If you go to grad school…

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do you know any pretty girls in school?

why would you ask that question???

go get a proper job, stop wasting your time and money

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This is the correlation, of salvation and love…

Autobiographical memory

I guess part of the reason why I still maintain this blog after so many years(most of my peers stopped blogging a long time ago) is because I want to be able to capture the emotions and re-experience whatever's I've been through in my life. Episodic memory tends to fade off into obscurity leaving only the semantic information behind, an empty shell.

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Meeting up with the AC BB ppl in NUS last Saturday was a blessing in a sense. For our Bible fellowship, we did the same exercise I made my juniors do during CF FOC last year - share our testimony. Ding’s sharing was really encouraging, and I guess it was great being together with the guys after so long.

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I headed down to Jurong Point yesterday due to a need to stock up on my groceries as well as a craving for KFC. Along the way it decided to rain cats and dogs, so I decide to head down to Coffee Bean to finish up what was left of my Cognitive Psychology re-revision 2.

Hazelnut Ice blended drink, table with power; Good to go. Then…

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ความรู้สึกแปลกๆ

I’m tripping on words, you got my head spinning…

… I dunno why I’m letting it affect me so much, I was practically trembling and trying really hard to act normal… Dunno why this kind of situations keep happening to me even when I don’t intentionally go out to look for it.

I keep asking myself why I’m feeling this way when I have absolutely no reason to. Its like I’ve regressed to some secondary sch kid with unstable emotional capacities. Or maybe its a manifestation of neurotic anxiety… I dunno.

Thankfully this time I managed to compose myself; Keep calm and study on… Managed to finish up 2 chapters and at the same time gave help along the way as requested.

I wonder if you can read what I’m trying so hard to repress and hide…

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Anyway I guess. Have my thai paper in 2 hours, and I dunno what or how to study for it. Going to just go in, whack it and hope I pass.

As long as you are clear about it…

But I’m not, and that’s the problem...

Cognitive Triad

Got myself into a pretty confident start to the day, apparently managing to remember all the concepts i was supposed to know for HP3701, from the progress of relationships to models of positivity. So I decided a change of pre-exam routine was in order - Pitch-stop breakfast(instead of Palette), a quick stop at the bookstore to get supplies, and examination drink at Artease(instead of my usual Starbucks caramel macchiato)

Then somehow something snapped within me and all the positivity was drained out of me. Not to mention the very awkward waving to the Y1s only to have Pony recognize me and wave back(I took a while to register her presence... Opps, looks like all the TAs in NTU remember me very well even after I stop attending their classes.)

I ended up waiting silently for my drink and forcing myself to repress all the negativity. I guess I would have appreciated being able to converse a while and maybe self-disclose about the upcoming exam I had. But somehow it just felt so weirdly awkward and strange. I felt so lousy I didn't know what to say. I collected my drink and left off, contemplating whether to wave goodbye or just go away in some irrational fear that I would get ignored. At least Jolene noticed and waved back. Took the excuse to walk back(very strange behavior come to think of it), blurt out about my exam, and hurried off.

It didn't help that whatever came out for the paper wasn't what I expected, or that I had to do a question purely based on what I studied half a semester ago in Prof Ang's class because I wasn't expecting it to come out(didn't study it at all!), or that the paper was ridiculously hard. It didn't help that I felt so stupid for studying all the stuff that didn't come out. And it didn't help when I later realized I wrote 'Marcia' as 'Mowbrey'. Hopefully I get credit for describing the concept properly...

Thankfully, tea/lunch with CY and some of the graduating seniors after the paper managed to dissipate all the horrible thoughts and feelings I was having after that. Dinner with Aleem and Vicki, and teaching chi-sq to Aleem after that(within 15mins, compared to Prof Ringo's 2 hour lectures that no one understands ) helped to.

I realize this, somehow I'm suffering from chronic loneliness. Even when I'm laughing and surrounded by so many people, I still feel the same haunting feeling of being alone... I miss the closeness of friendships I had while in ACS...