Not sure how to feel about it.
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Granted, I’m more cautious, while I can inhibit behaviour and impulses,
I’m still very bad at handling intrusive thoughts
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I’m scared. I know its not meant to be, but I’m still vulnerable…
Thankful for being appreciated (:
and the awesome people working with me
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but wondering about the past
and hoping for the best in the future...
But life isn’t like a computer programme where you can just Ctrl(Cmd) + Z every single thing you did…
to maintain a stable sense of self, you sit back and change ur choices and thoughts
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and in effect, rewrite history as it seems…
I starred an email a friend sent to me more than a year ago. it was a reminder to me…
“ I never knew what your intentions were; all I knew was that I felt uncomfortable…”
“but, emil, you have to learn where to draw the line between treating a friend as a good friend and treating a friend as more than a good friend“
My response:
”I've always thought of you as a friend all along... And when people started saying things about us, I was rather confused... On one hand I really treasured the friendship we had... And I didn't want to screw it up because of what other people tell me...“
I look at it then and now. Maybe history is repeating itself, 2, 3, times :(
I really hope not though :(
But I dunno why I never ever get a chance to trash talk things out to draw boundaries…
it always progresses to a point of no return…
It’s the second time in a week, that I felt such waves of negative emotions overwhelm me, to the point of tears.
It’s never just about one issue. Somehow it just seems like I’m spending a lot of my time alone… even a church friend who bumped into me in school a few times seems to point it out.
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Sometimes the way you treat me, I dunno why I still bother considering you a friend…
I know I said and did stuff last time which you weren’t comfortable with, but you don’t need to do that to me you know…
Whatever happened in the past is over. I did my best to get over it…
I want to pretend whatever I said and did never happened… but you’re not making it any easier for me…
After everything, it seems like the best thing to do, with no lunch, and not much appetite, was to go back to the music room in hall to bang out all my frustrations on the piano. Somehow that always seem to work for me…
And finally, CF Thurs SS CG… I contemplated switching to another day in lieu of hall commitments, but I’m still not sure. Seeing/catching up with a friend I haven’t spoken/texted since last semester was really uplifting. Even if you didn’t realise it, I really appreciate your friendship… it helped me get through my last semester somehow…
God, give me emotional strength to get through this semester, and wisdom to make the right choices and decisions…
About a conversation I had with an old friend, from Hall 12 to Hall 11, slinging a guitar bag, waiting for a bus which never came..
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But I guess it’s not a good idea to put it here...
