Fruit

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
(Galatians 5:16-26)
-

---

________________________
Reading this passage again, after a night of tears, of wrestling with God, of everything I heard from Marc, from sitting opposite Trevose at a park... from fighting with myself while watching buses after buses pass me by
-
this passage frightens me...
-
how many times do ‘christians’, my friends, myself,

• engage in malice, hatred... ?


• have selfish ambitions for our own gain?


• put things before God, whether it is our comfort, our pleasure, our processions, our relationships, which constitute idolatry?


• indulge in drunkenness and wild parties?

-

---

________________________
if we do , even just a bit, we cannot inherit the life that God has promised us, we cannot meet him because we are not holy... and anything which isn’t holy cannot stand before the presence of God
-
if we do, we’re no better than the ‘assistant cell group leader’ of a liberal church movement, whom I heard a certain friend of mine talk about with regard to his promiscuous behaviour...
-

---

________________________
Sin is sin...
-
there is no such thing as a lesser sin or greater sin... God hates sin, there isn’t a difference between big or small...
-

---

________________________
I have heard of people who tell me about how everything is fine, they justify sin by making less of it, by saying its about drawing the line,
-
but if we really are saved, if we have Christ in us as the ruler over our lives...
-
we would have ‘crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires’
-
and the question no longer becomes about ‘where to draw the line, and how to go as close to it as possible with stepping over’
-
but about whether we glorify God in our actions... or dishonour his name

---

________________________
this really is a wake up call for me...
to pray
ask God for forgiveness
ask God to give grace
-
and ask that God will restore all of us who have fallen into the trap of a worldly lifestyle

---

________________________
-
somehow I’ve been putting certain things in my life above my walk with God
-
its not about compromising values to fit in,
-
not about trying to do everything to be appreciated and to be able to enjoy the company of a certain friend
-
sigh... I need forgiveness... I’m so sorry...

March

Recently, or perhaps for a long time really, slowly and surely, life has been sort of reduced to a sort of routine:

weekdays - NS NS NS NS
Weekends - BB, CHURCH MINISTRIES, FRIENDS ETC
-
there’s been so much its so hard to squeeze God inside... although I still remember one of the many school devotions that was shared by Alistair Su (Year 9)
-
“it is not just about putting God first, its also about putting God 2nd, 3rd, 4th... in everything”
-
yes maybe I’ve been reflecting on God and His work in my life, throughout the week
-
but there isn’t moments, where I could truly sit down, reflect and take time to be still before God
-
No QT, no FireAC, no spiritual retreat,
-
no recharge, burnout...

---

somehow a lot of people like to put emphasis in serving God - the more spiritual one is if they do more things for God
-
but this is a lie... I have so busy trying to do too many things for church and BB, and trying to spend time with non-christian and christian friends alike, trying perhaps in my conversations to bring more people to think about the gospel and God, of life and its meaning...
-
yet I dont feel spiritual at all, I dont feel as if I can feel God closely by my side like I used to....
-

---

yet another thing, about my friendships with a few particular people who have always been there for me in the past, but somehow it become a case where:
-
they’re busy with life elsewhere in the world, be it in cambridge or mcgill, doing life, being busy with sch.
it being difficult to convey my own struggles via packets of internet data(the only means of conversation) with them.
Somehow many times I feel so insecure ... its like I’m always scared that I encroach upon people’s space... after all they have their own life to attend to, why would they be bothered with me?
-
sigh I wish they would come back soon... but oh well
-

---

was at St James Powerstation the other day, was invited by Han an (who had won free tickets) to watch a gig by Alarice and some of my other church mates who were her musicians
-
somehow her music has always been inspiring and uplifting... even as I got my second autographed album from her...
-
but as she did talk about her own song writing journey
-
but I remember I myself, I used to write my own songs, a year back so to speak
-
but somehow I lack the inspiration to pen down more songs... its at if my experiences of God, of life, all lie in the past
-
but how do I rediscover God again?
-

---

in the past, it was struggling with competing loves, but loving another who didn’t love back is a different issue anyway
it was as if the pain of being rejected would draw me closer to God
-
but I don’t have to think so much of the past
this is now, this is my life, a life which can do so many things
the challenge now is not so much of a trial
but merely the danger of monotony consuming me...
-
I also have another question
would uprooting myself from all my ministries in Singapore
and starting anew somewhere else...
hopefully somewhere I still have familiar people to depend on
and perhaps that could open a new chapter with my spiritual walk with God
-
or is there another motive for doing so? sigh...

Stop and Stare

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onOTaGayhU4

---

I’m think I’m moving but I get nowhere...
-
sometimes it seems this seems to be the case
-
where am I one year away from the past?
-
I’ve moved away from what I thought was precious in the past
-
I see...
but its gone away; too far away
-

---

if life is really a lot about finding fulfilment - at least from the view of the secular, hedonistic man...
-
so say I thought computer games were the thing that was fulfilling - sec3,4
-
I thought being with somebody whom I liked was considered fulfilling - year 5,6
-
but I realised everything so wrong about it, why it wont work, why it was a good thing it wasn’t mutual...
why everyone kept telling me off
-
so if something makes sense yet no sense to me...
so if dan comments on why I can readily accept the flaws of one but not another...
-

---

its difficult to make out how I feel about stuff...
-
since I’ve more or less alone when it comes to my inner emotions and feelings, I never share them with anyone anymore...
-
I know God knows... but
-
I need to take comfort from that...
-
that He makes all things beautiful
-
in His time... ...

---

I need to stop procrastinating about applying to NUS
-
I know I cant get the first choice I want - no med/dentistry
-
I know I shouldn’t go overseas... no matter how tempted I am to apply to a far far place at the other side of the globe
-
sigh.... =/

Fwd: Christ is the Reason for Christmas - Pass it on

Email from Zhuo'er which I got
-
Although its nothing much new  - I remember getting this a few years back,
but it's still worth sharing.

-----------------------------

---

Hello,

You will be surprised how many people doesn't know the real meaning of Christmas….so pass this on…and dun 'X' out Christ for 'Xmas'…Proclaim the real meaning of Christmas is what we need to doJ

Jesus is Better than Santa Santa lives at the North Pole. JESUS is everywhere. Santa rides in a sleigh JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water. Santa comes but once a year JESUS is an ever present help. Santa fills your stockings with goodies JESUS supplies all your needs. Santa comes down your chimney uninvited JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart. You have to stand in line to see Santa JESUS is as close as the mention of His name. Santa lets you sit on his lap JESUS lets you rest in His arms. Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?" JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads. Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly JESUS has a heart full of love. All Santa can offer is HO HO HO JESUS offers health, help and hope. Santa says "You better not cry" JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you. Santa's little helpers make toys JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions. Santa may make you chuckle but JESUS gives you joy that is your strength. While Santa puts gifts under your tree JESUS became our gift and died on the tree. It's obvious there is really no comparison. We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about. We need to put Christ back in Christmas. Jesus is still the reason for the season.   May the Lord Bless and Watch over you and your loved ones this Christmas 2009 And may He prosper and bless the work of your hands in the New Year. With Lots Of Love,

--

For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
                                                                                                                                                                               ~Romans 8:38-39

snippets of many thoughts of Christmas

recently I’ve not been posting much here

-

well I could say it for a number of reasons. The main on being that I cant do justice to my thoughts in the form of a blog

-

and the second is that I cant say everything I would want to say here

---

-----------------------

nevertheless

-

on Christmas eve

-

again I pose this question

-

why do people only want to celebrate Xmas - leave Christ out of the picture

substitute the divine glory and wonder, and profound mystery of Christ

-

for the cheap, worthless myth of ‘Santa Claus’

We know Santa Claus is a nice figure, a supposed old man who spreads cheer and gladness and love during Christmas

-

But isn’t Christ so much better, and so much more real?

Christ is the expression of God’s incomparable, incomprehensible love.

-

Christ is the greatest Gift from God to mankind.

No number of santa presents or anything could have been greater as God’s gift to save the world from the reality of sin and hell. To make a way to heaven through the Gift of His son

-

Yet we see the gospel, the good news of Christ being substituted for a mere myth. Or simply just the less important things like shopping, trees, parties...

-

Like the expression of casting pearls to swine. We present the greatest story and gift to mankind, yet men, in their blind depraved state cannot understand , and simply fling Christ out of the window.

“Leave religion out of it” says man,

“Christ is irrelevant to Xmas of today. We just want to hear the ‘good stuff’, we want Santa, gifts, presents, shopping, partying, merrymaking, fun”

“but we don’t want Christ”

-

hence my utter disappointment with the whole 3AMB Christmas event, in which i was involved as the organising commitee.

-

I would have gladly forfeited any Off-in-lieu, even to the extend of sigining extras...

if only Christmas could be celebrated the way it was meant to be celebrated,

if only people heard and knew about how special Christ was to Christmas...

---

-----------------------

its even the same with easter

-

I remember during one of the dry run rehearsals, the emcee who did an intro about the 32FMD skit

-

“Now we would like to invite 32FMD up to stage, who will be giving us the topic of ‘Easter’”

“bunny come on stage, bunny come off stage, end of skit”

-

we deny Christ for yet another myth

---

-----------------------

Another thing I guess is that this year I wont be giving specific presents/cards to people

-

for the very reason that I cant give one to people I would really want to give to because they’re special to me

-

sigh, I still miss you a lot...

---

-----------------------

and I guess finally I would like to do a bit of promotion for an upcoming event I’ll be involved in:

Undignified 2010 - a Worship event

-

http://www.undignifiedasia.com/

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=186572712670

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfWGLcPHIJM&feature=autofb

-

bitter, sweet, sorrow, joy

we see that ever so evident in the Christian walk
-
Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
(2 Cor 5:1-5)
-

---

we have hope and rejoice because of what He has done for us, and we know we have hope for eternity, a heavenly dwelling which cannot be destroyed
-
but we suffer while down here on earth, we do not know what tomorrow brings, be it poverty, loneliness, burdens, separations
-

---

somehow this song - even while sung in mandarin today at Marc’s grandfather’s wake
-
nearly brought tears to me
-
I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.
-

---

we look to eternity, the tomorrow we cannot see
-
but we know our lives are held in His hand, His plans
-

---

so with regard to everything
be in university studies (NO CHARLES, I AM SO NOT DOING ACCOUNTANCY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ACCOUNTANCY IS NOT COOL)
or in relationships
in anything else in the future, career, God’s calling
-
I know He knows best
-
I guess thats all I need to know
even as I know God has called me to impact the world I live in
-
even as it begins small, with me..

'emil lenses'

do I look through things in a limited perspective
-
through my ‘emil lenses’ so to speak
-
not the bigger picture
-

---

-------------------
but in the end
aren’t we supposed to live our lives in the light of God
-
see things in the way God sees them
open our eyes to see what God wants for us
-
live a life grounded by faith in the Word of God
and live out a life which shows that
-

---

-------------------
people say they tell me these things
-
for my own good
for the good of the people under my sphere of influence
-
and they’re perfect in every way, more worthy of being part of their ministries
-
at least while compared to me
who has been in the lowest of places
been the worse of sinners and disgraced the name of God
-
‘but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more’
-
its by the very fact
when we say God makes foolish the wisdom of the wise
-
we judge things from this perspective
-

---

-------------------
-
So by saying I shouldn’t be in this ministry
are they saying it from their lens?
or the lens that God has given them, (wise christian council???)?
-
because if they say so
they’re saying God made a wrong choice
in letting me be here
-
So who am I to believe?

---

-------------------
But still
we should always remember this in the ministries God puts us in:
-
(Philippians 2:1-11)
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,

then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

---

Sand Castles

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Matthew 7:24-27
-

---

I was reminded of a Switchfoot song, ‘Gone’
-
Life is more than money, time was never runny.
Time was never cash, life is still more than girls.
Life is more than hundred dollar bills and roto-tom fills.
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills,
All the riches of the kings end up in wills
-
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
if you get the world and lose your soul?

---

what we build our lives on is important...
-
if we based our lives on now, on worldly wealth and riches, of careers
or worldly relationships, on acceptance
even of family
-
these things don’t count towards eternity...
‘the 2 biggest things a christian faces
one is persecution
the other is seduction by the world... christians normally can face the former, but many fall with the latter ’
(Charles)
-
we end up losing our first love for God
over something else much less significant
-
compared to basing our lives upon eternity
and living each day for Him
-
so we can stand together in the end of time and worship Him
and there is nothing that can compare to the joy that comes from that
-
where God..
...will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
(Rev 21:3-4)
-
we do know that like in the parable
where the guy builds his house on the ‘ROCK’
in which he has to work very hard to chisel away at the rocks to lay his foundation
-
likewise leading a life based to following Jesus and His gospel is not easy
-
compared to the guys who can easily construct his house on sand,
and like how after the tsunami, these houses get washed away
-
hence the former is a better choice, better than something temporal

---

many times I build my life upon many insignificant things
-
it was once upon computer games
upon getting the highest score
upon winning every game
and ‘pwning’ every opponent to get the ‘holy sh*t BEYONG GODLIKE’ kill streak
-
after that it was upon being accepted by a girl whom I really loved a lot
and even to base my life upon doing things to make her happy and comfortable
at the expense of everything else
-
but I come to realise that after all
everything will pass on in the end
-
but God remains faithful...
and He’s the one I should base my life upon
not anything else
-

People

Listing down a few people:
Petrina C
Tim
Amanda
Leemin
Daniel
XL
Kenneth
Evelyn

Fireac Juniors:
Zhuoer
Tina
Felicia
Pet L
Jayne
-

---

all of you in one way or another are special to me
in the sense of friendship, in the sense of how you have inspired me to grow closer to God
or grow as a person
-
I know life goes on, we’ll eventually find other people in our lives to fill up
but I do hope we’ll still keep in touch somehow
and even if we don’t and distance ourselves
I hope and pray we can remain united in Christ
and learn to love Him more each day
that we may worship Him together
when He comes again
-

---

I guess we’ll all be exposed to different cultures and experiences throughout our lives
-
But I do hope we all will be able to make the right decisions... to flee from temptations and sin
and pursue righteousness in Him...
-
hate the sin that is in this world... the sins of drunkenness, of sexual immorality, and of pride,
which is always too common for people in our generation...
-
value God above all, above relationships,
above acceptance by peers, above self, and above worldly wealth
-

---

just a few thoughts... for all the people whom I do love dearly in one way or another...
-
For the Y6s...
I wish you all the best for IB =) and your future endeavours
-
for Petrina, Tim and Evelyn
I pray you continue to love God and grow in Him even while overseas,
and not become consumed by work or assimilate into any sort of ungodly culture over there...
and make a difference in the live of the different people you meet over there.
and to find comfort from knowing Him in times of loneliness.
-
for the NS guys
I pray you find joy in serving the Lord while in NS
-

Foolishness to the world

For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written,
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise,
and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

(1 Cor 1:18-25)
-

---

------------------
if you look at the way we talk about Christ
-
you realise this... to people who don’t see it comes across as mere folly
-
why do we preach an empty tomb, a innocent man convicted who was hung and who died
when to others it just seems like a mere story that happened long ago...
-
why do we tell about a God who apparently can listen to us, can comfort us, that is so personal to us
yet it might seem like the random illusions cast by children with imaginary friends or schizophrenic mental patients
-
why do we tell about assurance of salvation, of hope and future
when to others it merely seems like a form of escapism from the harsh reality of this world
-

---

------------------
this is what God means to me
-
an all powerful, righteous and awe-some God
the God who holds the universe in the mere width of His palm
who is beyond time, beyond space
beyond all the limitations of the physical world
-
yet who created order and the physical universe
and made the laws of physics that govern this world
a God of order
-
yet a God who cares so much for each individual
that the very mere detail like the number of strands of hair each person has is numbered
-

---

------------------
this is what the Cross means
it shows me to what length God loves us
-
I know that one way a person demonstrates Love
Love is more than just gifts
more than just words
but Love demands presence and touch
-
so God came down as Jesus on the Cross
a perfect gift which was so perfect it could carry all the sins of the world
yet a gift that cost so dearly, it demanded so much
-

---

------------------
and this is what the resurrection means to me
it shows me that God can do all things
it shows me how God keeps his promises
it shows me how God has won victory over the price of sin - death
-
and you cannot simply say it was just an empty tomb when hundreds have seen Jesus alive after He was buried

---

------------------
this is what Christianity means to me
its not a set of rituals one follows to gain nirvana or eternal life
its about experiencing God in a way that cant be described
-
its not a fashion accessory that is tagged on as another separate part of life
but something that demands everything in life to be consumed with
-
and I quote CS lewis:
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
-

---

------------------
to many, its just another religion, another foolish religion
or worse, a cult of weirdos and strange delusional people
-
even as I was interrogated today,
as a form of ‘entertainment’
-
but to me, it means everything

but this I still hold fast to

He knows my thoughts
my hopes and dreams
-
so this is what I tell Him
-

“Lord, You see my heart and my thoughts
you know my hopes, my dreams...
-
I pray You be Lord over all these...
-
if You determine that it is in Your will not to grant me what I desire and hope for
I pray You comfort me in that time, You will hold fast to me
and assure me that You still love me
and have a better and more perfect plan for my life
-
if in time, my hopes and dreams do come true
I pray that I’ll give thanks to You on that day
and that I will not forget You no matter what”
-

A true heart

Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body?
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.'
For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean’.“
(Matthew 15:17-20)

---

reflecting upon this short passage for the bible one thing thing makes me wonder
-
is it enough for us to simply hold fast to not speaking vulgarities, not saying lewd jokes, not doing acts of immorality
-
but here is the scenario I’m placed in...
I hold fast to the ideas of not swearing, not cracking lewd jokes, and not participating in orgy fests of peering over semi-porn magazines/Real porn
-
but that doesn’t mean my mind does not get corrupted by such influences in army
pretty soon I find myself thinking sinful thoughts, swearing in my head whenever I’m annoyed or irritated...
and it occasionally sometimes comes out of my heart into the mouth... except I mince it up
-
F*ck - AFFF
KNN- kana sai
LJ - cock
CB - cheeese
-
and I also know I’m not immune from thinking lustful thoughts and stuff....
while being friends with a number of girls helps a lot that I respect them enough to not want to think about it
but it seems to be repressed at one side just waiting to jump at me

---

---------
Jesus said it was not enough to simply do the outward actions and deeds
-
but like what He said:
”Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.“
(Matt 23:25-28)
-
But being a Christians starts from the inside first, being transformed into His likeness from the inside-out
-
so no matter what culture we get exposed to
it is important to learn to guard our hearts and minds and not become influenced, not just in our actions but in our hearts too

absence makes the heart grow fonder...

you know how they always say friends come and go
life eventually forces friends apart... even best of friends
-
but again it all depends on how willing one is to hold on
a 2 way thing
-

---

even as one of my closer friends left
and the other prepares himself to leave too
I left here alone
I wonder if we’ll still be able to keep in touch always
-
since you’re always on my mind...
and I really miss having you around to talk to most days
-

---

its so stupid that I only realised something much later than I should have
but does it matter?
-
the idea of trust... even if life seems so uncertain
I need to learn that
-

---

if He truly holds my hand
and wants me to know that I need Him more than anybody else
-
learning to trust in Him
and Love Him above everything
-

---

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder
-
but its a long time...
many things could have changed by then...
-
I guess, only to trust in Him...

But the word of the Lord remains

looking beyond what you see now
-
to what He can do
and what He has promised to do, to give us a hope and future
-

---

So in a sense
being connected across 12 thousand kilometres isn’t that difficult
-
and friendships made might drift away
-
but if the Lord wills it
it will stay
-

---

I’ve behaved rather irrationally the past 2 days
since the morning of Friday
-
but I guess yeah... time to discard the old facades I tried to make up
or the thoughts I tried to force myself to think
-
I guess it is true then...

---

but I guess no matter how
-
words on a screen
even spoken words transmitted over electronic signals
or visual images over computers
-
nothing is the same as being physically present
and being able to smell, and touch
-

---

I guess in very much the same way
God doesn’t simply give us words from a bible
or audio visual miracle impacts like the works of his creation
-
He comes down and touches us
like the way Jesus touched the leper
-
because simply hearing or seeing is not enough for God to truly say He loves us

Giftings

Throughout the past 3 years... as I served in various school ministries...
-
BB, FireAC, Choir,
-
I have been encouraged in various ways, after each of the many sessions of worship I lead in these sessions,
-
when someone comes up to me and says that God really touched them as I ministered to them through the songs
-

---

simply, I never really understood
-
how is it that God can use me, a vessel so unworthy, to minister to people through the worship songs
-
after all many times, I feel as if I’m simply going through the motions of ‘doing what I usually do’
-
seeking after God before starting out in worship
coming clean before Him
and inviting his presence into the midst of us
-

---

of course when i first started out
-
I never really have an idea what i was doing
after a number of lessons learnt along the way
I sort of understood what corporate worship encompasses
-

---

Today as I, for the first time, lead the children in the Sunday school(Gracestar) to sing songs while playing acoustic... Auntie Cynthia was leading them in prayer and actions
-
it was nothing particularly special... me as a vocalist and instrumentalist, with Yelin singing as well
-
but today was different... it wasn’t the same like the past few instances seeing the sian sian faces of the kids
-
it was as if they really wanted to worship God today...
-

---

perhaps worship, leading worship in particular
not just wielding a guitar or keyboard
-
perhaps that really is God’s gifting for me
and where He is calling me to...
-
I wonder...

Living on His Mercy and grace

essentially
-
somehow God has been very faithful to me
-
a lot of times I could have gotten into trouble and all that
but so far, He has delivered me from all these...
-

---

yet I wonder
is it possible to take for granted the grace and mercy He shows us?
-
after all He is a God of justice as well
-

---

somehow all of us in one way or another show this sinful, bad quality
-
we, like Peter, deny Christ, sin against Him, and drag His Name in the mud over and over again
-
yet, how, that God could, as far as the east is from the west, remove our sins? (Ps 103:12)
-
God is Love... a Love that adds value to worthlessness
-
A Love beyond reason indeed...

Disappearing into Indifference

somehow thats what I have become of late
-
indifferent to everything around me
-
whether it be to arguing with Kenneth and not really caring about it
-
Or ignoring something that would have made me very concerned a few months back..
even though I know how it feels, if the issue is really about oco...
I had my turn one week before Enrollment parade
-
“we have enough, we dont need you”
I knew it was just a lame excuse... but back then it hurt a lot
-
imagine 6 years of life in this ministry
3 nights of going home at 3am in the morning...
-
and you tell me you don’t want me
even though you said God equips the called and not vice versa
-
after all the bible does tell us that we are like jars of clay
and Jesus is the treasure within...
although we are weak, He makes us strong
-
something I thought set the organisation apart
was the notion of Christ centered-ness
“the advancement of Christ Kingdom among boys”
-
but really, maybe its just changed to be the “youth organisation of choice”
ran secularly and all that...
essentially lost focus... just another UG competing with scouts and all there is out there...

---

I know I have a lot of characteristics that are my weakness
-
be it impulsive, short tempered,
-
But I also know “God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” (1 Cor 1:27)
-
Jesus also said:
“And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it will be more bearable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that town.”(Matt 10:14-15)
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a need to move on I guess... for now at least...
which I have done in part... church music ministry...

---

indifference seems to be a pretty effective way to protect myself
if you don’t get emotionally involved, you cant get hurt after all...
-
somehow I only left 2 friends that I can really trust and can confide with most stuff
just that both of them would be going overseas soon
sigh
-

---

-
maybe its time I got back to God... asked Him to fill my life again
-
after all, indifference is just a form of escapism
-
Trusting that He makes all things new in His time...

disintegrations

bitterness is what is left when one tries to cut off everything
-

---

In the past:
“I don’t want her to become hurt more than necessary”
“you’re not the one to be the one who helps her, you can only trust God that if she does fall, He’ll be the one who picks her up”
-
I’m not in any position to dictate how people should run their lives
whether I think its right or not, dressing, lifestyle, anything...
even if I care for them...
-
I still care, yet I cant...
because I have to let go, I cannot hurt myself anymore
-
so maybe by doing so
I end up hecking everything... “I dont care” attitude
even though deep down, I probably still care...
-

---

Like today:
“go shelter her” (John)
“I need to pass you your specs, never mind she wont want anyway, you go shelter her”
-
comparing to 6 months ago, where I simply didn’t care about myself...
leaving the comfort of a room out to pouring rains for her sake
-

---

and everyone seems to think I’ve somehow ‘switched targets’
-
which isn’t really true... close intimate friendship does not equate romantic interest...
-
I have no interest in getting attached at the moment...
not until I’ve grown more emotionally mature to handle it...
-
just that the lot of you simply want to make things awkward for your entertainment
esp. someone who seems to take it upon her self as her duty to “protect”
-
well at least I managed to enjoy a nice day with tim,
while all you know how to do is make things awkward...
-

I remember

how I told God a year ago
-
that it was worth giving up everything...
about how I felt about stuff
-
for the sake of a friend’s salvation
-

---

well it wasn’t the same thing I expected
-
but yeah...
i guess its good too... that they did find God
eventually
-
awesome

---

on the other hand about today
-
I find it very amusing that the 2 of you(LM, Eve) want to so called “protect” your ‘girlfriend’ away from me...
stay away from her you say
haha
-
heh
I wouldn’t have said the same thing 2 years ago during bio study...
but i guess that’s because its different
haha
-
highly amusing you aren’t keen of keeping me away from another person... not like it matters anyway...
-

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its strange haha...
sorting out thoughts...
-
I wonder if there really is a difference between mind and state of mind...
-
like the whole Plato cave analogy... what you think it is isn’t what it is...

Eleven Minutes

questions on sexuality and love
-
I guess everyone asks these questions sooner or later
-

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beyond how the world looks beyond those “eleven minutes”
-
Love is a sacred gift from God, but the world has messed up so badly
it becomes a curse
-

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anyway reading that book, infusion of biblical and worldly precepts of love and sex
albeit rather pornographic in its descriptions...
-
Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
-
Song of Solomon 2:7:

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

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its strange to tell a malay muslim guy I made friends with during my guard duty:
-
I don’t worry, If God wants to give me a life companion, He will, if not He wont,
After all, God is Great (Allāhu Akbar) , and He can do anything
-
and he agreed.