sine curve

attaching my heart to another person's sine curve is strangely bitter-sweet,
yet past memories and experiences tell me that doing so is suicidal
-
even if I would trust the person with my whole life
-
sigh
am I getting too emotionally involved? even as a friend-friend level...
-
‘tis is so strange...
-

---

I know the odds is that people will move on
-
even close friends eventually drift apart
-
and sometimes I feel that perhaps even this ‘closeness’ is just an illusion
-
but... I .... ...
and I don’t want you to be sad =(

far away lies a chilly thought

you know how my mum always says pessimistic things
-
you know that she spells out one of the biggest fears I have
-
about how
people just move on... ...
-

---

if that does happen
-
I guess I’ll just wait
and search again... ...
-
after all it’ll be my fault in any case...

I must have spent

about close to $360+ last week
-
$250 - studio charges
$50 - Tcc
$60 - cab fares to Orchard and Changi
-

---

sigh
-
I’m broke
-
and broken too =(
-
sigh =(

tearing down the space

extreme sadness
-
to the point of
=’/
-
do I have a right to it?
-
sigh = /

at least not till we have to say goodbye...

they say guys shouldn’t cry
-
but why?

The Endweek

as my thoughts think back upon the past few days
-

I guess most of what I would be thinking of would be in the previous post... password protected eitherway

-

---

first thing to say:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PETRINA CHENG!!!!

-

Haha, anyway I hope you liked the card and present if you’re reading this hehe

-

---

anyway as wondering... as Marc and everyone says, even what i believe in

is that when God closes doors he normally opens other at the same time

-

perhaps, involvement in Kevin’s vision of the GMC youth band might be a way God could use me

-

since I already felt convicted, that God was calling me to 2 ministries... that of outreach and worship

-

but somehow wondering where would hearing resounding choruses of the songs we wrote in songs4him.wordpress.com in events such as Loudfest and FOP lead to...

-

even as sometimes, I have my reservations of such events, sometimes I feel they tend to elevate human emotions above God

-

but I guess , if it is an opportunity to bless people with the testimony of the songs we wrote...

I might as well give it a shot...

pray more about it i guess...

---

anyway after that meeting which left me late to join the BB gang for lunch/shopping?
-
and somehow... I dunno, I get really irritated with some people sometimes
like i see a trend... liking to sticky yourself to people I’m closer or ’seem closer’ to...
and after that try to chase me away
-
sigh, I wonder why I try to be so nice to you when I can...
I should have just followed advice and leave you alone then...
-
somehow past apologies seem so hollow
when you still do the same to me all the time after everything is over...
-

---

haha its quite stupid
the way some people think...
-
esp. the idiot who messed with my facebook status... ...
-
anyway that statement was true...
but not exactly in the way that people will interpret...
haha...
-

after all, I do love all my close friends

=p haha

tired...

i dunno
even so
-
excessively tired and confused
-

---

Can i have the strength to tie up all the knots
and get out of this mess?
like what everyone is telling me to do...
-
or just stay in it
-
I’m starting to behave very weirdly....
-
sigh
-
=(

A E F

I felt devastated today
-
perhaps... it was true... “better to keep me happy”...
like what was said at Mad Jacks 2 months back...
-

---

somehow i cannot understand...
-
from an attitude of:
“sure got shelter”,
and not giving a damn
-
“sure it matters...
it shows that they don’t care...”
-
if they don’t care... well?
I guess it never said anything about me...

---

“just left... ... have you’ll eaten yet?...”
-
“wait a while
wait....
how long does it take?”
-
but no one waited or looked for me after that...
left outside Carl’s Junior alone
-

---

everything is fair
-
since otherwise
everyone has a right of choice
-
you don’t need to
if you don’t want
-
you can do anything you want...
i can only keep silent... that’s the way it should be always
-

---

“I don’t want to go for the **** thing... **** just wants the guys”
-
i felt outraged
i kept it to myself...

---

sigh =(
-
Poc day - 10th mar
i wonder what else...
-

---

I tried so hard to make everyone happy
-
I only ended up upsetting myself more and more
-
sigh =(

---

to be fair
it isn’t anybody’s fault...
it’s just mine... =(
i let myself get affected by stuff that shouldn’t affect me
-
and i guess, by writing it all out, I’m just being selfish...
maybe... like what some people do, I’m just emotionally blackmailing people subtly
-
maybe, yet I might be being moved around like a puppet...
-
I know you’ll who don’t care will just laugh
-
somehow i just needed an outlet =(

Point of Escapism

now even that is gone...
-
maybe i should be more mature about it
-
not like it really matters, facebook is a darn waste of time anyway
-

---

it seems
sighs
-
no matter how hard you try
there’s really no point clinging on to FALSE HOPE right?
-
I could do an alien
be as sticky and possessive as I can be, make people feel bad...
-
and that’s not being loving, since, I quote:
when you love a person
sometimes you have to give him/her that space
sometimes in loving
you need to let go.
-
or the thing that’s generated by a voltaic cell:
put weird pics on my imaginary iTouch,
Emo in one corner,
so people will bake cookies and try to cheer up
(and I never had that luxury...)
pretend to flirt with other people.
but still...
-
but... can I BE A RATIONAL CREATURE for ONCE
just dump everything away,
isolate myself,
lock myself in a room
play all the meaningless computer games,
lose myself away in everything possible
-
play a game of pretend and stick to another person even though its not true
(and i know that doesn’t work either..., and you might even end up SCREWING up YET another friendship...=(- )
-
no need to suffer all these crap hurled at me...

---

but then again... I cant :’(
I can only keep absorbing the hurt
and I even have to discount the rare nice moments,
I don’t want to be disappointed again... like the 27th dec,
even the nice can hurt me... sometimes...
-
I KNOW DARN WELL THIS IS A PUBLIC BLOG
GO AHEAD AND LAUGH AT ME, I DONT CARE!!!!

chemistry

today was again... painful
-
XL can YOU STOP making fun of me/you know who?
its not funny anymore =(
-

---

sighz
-
do you detest me that much?
-

---

chemistry... IB...
-
was a painful paper to take...
but at least it was made better by its relative easiness
(i’m not discussing its contents)
-
sighz...
why why why?
-
:’(
-
no chemistry?
ah well =(
-
on the bright side,
at least a ride back with Petrina C cheered me up a slight bit...
-
-

---

give me a reason to hate you...

"I don't like you"

我不喜欢你
我哪里有说我喜欢你?
-
but it wasn’t leemin today...

---

but I don’t like you that way... you know what I mean...
-
are you trying to say I like... well I don’t
-
I DONT LIKE YOU!!!
-

---

不知道为什么
我觉得自己好象傻瓜一样。
还是一个笨蛋
-
我本来不想跑那么远
找不到煎蛋就算了吧
-
跑来后也是找不到
为什么呢？
只好买东西回来
-

---

dont bother asking just eat...
-
chng go and eat
-
emo chng
-
you’re not likely to do anything silly
thats what everyone thinks
that Emil doesn’t care...
but he does...

---

sighz
this is so not the time to want to kill yourself
when there is a FREAKING MATH PAPER TMR
-
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Embarassment

is there a necessity
to openly embarrass me
-
sighz =(
-
its not that i would like to put up a facade in front of you
-
but even being real, rather than hiding away
sighs
-
i’ll need to confront myself one day
and see how
-
but to be frank
I always felt rather... sad when ever I see ...
-
I know someone still ... for someone else
-
asking for help in math paper 3
“is it a T-test?”
-
and the other day,
Again I laugh it off
-

---

And somehow... et sometimes, still gets a bit... annoying when she insists that I leave tim alone
Everyone has their “coping mechanism”, why cant i have mine?
-
I know
but I don’t know what to do...
=/

IB...

-
Image courtesy of M.Ong
-

---

I’m currently in a self-destructive mode, dunno what possessed me to not be very nice to someone whom I really want to be nice to...
-
sighz... I’m really sorry, I really dunno what’s wrong with me
-
except every time, I want to kill myself when I see certain stuff =(
-
you wonder whether anything is possible at this rate...
-
how true is the expression:
“when there’s a will there’s a way”?
I’m sure there is a limit to how far that can stretch
-
bleah... =/

What makes aman...

What makes a Man - Westlife

-
This isn't goodbye, even as I watch you leave, this isn't goodbye
I swear I won't cry, even as tears fill my eyes, I swear I won't cry
-
Any other girl, I'd let you walk away
Any other girl, I'm sure I'd be ok
-
Tell me what makes a man
Wanna give you all his heart
Smile when you're around
And cry when you're apart
If you know what makes a man
Wanna love you the way I do
Girl you gotta let me know
So I can get over you
-
What makes her so right?
Is it the sound of her laugh?
That look in her eyes
When do you decide?
She is the dream that you seek
That force in your life
-
When you apologize, no matter who was wrong
When you get on your knees if that would bring her home
-
Tell me what makes a man
Wanna give you all his heart
Smile when you're around
And cry when you're apart
If you know what makes a man
Wanna love you the way I do
Girl you gotta let me know
-
So that I can get over you
-
Other girls will come along, they always do
But what's the point when all I ever want is you, tell me
-
Tell me what makes a man
Wanna give you all his heart
Smile when you're around
And cry when you're apart
If you know what makes a man
Wanna love you the way I do
Girl you gotta let me know.....
Girl you gotta let me know.....
So I can get over you

---

another emo westlife song... lol
-
“why do I have it?”
“I had it all along anyway”
-
maybe I’m starting to understand how some people felt about trinitrotoluene...
eitherway...
-
ah well ...
=/

=(

Session Start: Sunday, 12 October, 2008

(11:51 PM) £ٱɱعαɗe:	hmm sighs i've to go sch myself tmr though
(11:52 PM) £ٱɱعαɗe:	dunno if i shd bother to wake up ealier and go fireac
(11:52 PM) LimClaNstruMMeR:	well it's relaly up to you
(12:01 AM) £ٱɱعαɗe:	=( k lor..

---

i’m shutting my self away from everything...
evidently
I hardly talked to anyone over msn this 2 months
-
everything is so painful ...
everything i see at least
-
why?
-
I thought everything would be fine in the end
but I’m not sure now...

Frames

exclusion is so obvious
-
EE
-
perhaps...
-
“Sn-1 is the unbiased estimator for the population variance”(HL Math Statistics)
“stop stop stop...”(Paddy Clarke)
-

---

For memory sakes
I used to take many frames of life...
Photos of the past
Of laughter and strife
-
Yet being the photographer
I seem to have vanished
Only to see others
-
Unpersoning me isn’t that difficult
I was never there because I’m never seen
You don't see my face...
Therefore I'm never in that place...
-
I never was a part of it
That’s why I have no part of it
After all the hundreds of photos of the BB
Almost none have me
-

---

LAMP of the world indeed
I miss those times
It didn’t need frames to contain it
It was always there to find
-
Shut me off from your mind
There’s nothing for you to find
A hello here, and a bye there
Nothing to hear, of how you fare

---

Because I ask why?
And I don’t know anymore...
-
but grats to tim and azmi for being there for me...

who am I?

I don’t even know anymore
-
been stuck on so many facades and things
-
that i don’t even know who i am anymore
-

---

I never said anything?
I never did anything?
so it is my fault?
-
I feel so let down
like why do things end up like this
it’s been one month...
-
I know... and I knew...
that there was porbably nothing to begin with
I just wanted to get away from something else
-

---

looking through the first 2 terms
I don’t even know what’s real and what not
whether it was all a sham
-
but I knew those were happy times
a brief interlude from all the emoing of last year
a breather at least
-
a few sorrows inside
but at least they were fine
and i didn’t have too many stuff on my mind
-
I missed those times...
when everything was fine
FireAC chronicles... of what we did and everything
-
working with all of you’ll
but everything fell apart in the end
and maybe its too late to mend
-
But God who gives...
and God who takes away...
blessed be His name...

---

-
don’t emo.... i cant afford to
a facade of looking fine and dandy in the eyes of everyone else
but it’s the inside and not the outside that matters
-
and I cant afford to let other people dictate how i feel
I cant afford to waste my feelings on other people
I need to do well in this last lap...
-
I said sorry before...
and so... do I know who I am?
and... do you know who I am?
-
and you know who you are... =(
-

tessellations

you know, the strange things we were taught in primary school, geometry that all fit together seamlessly
-
i wonder how everything fits...

---

wondering round school before Bs, ran into Sze Jet mugging math
-
and apparently the taxonomy KPCOFGS joke got transmitted down to their level
-

---

bible funds
and stuff
dunno why I cant use my allowance as and when i wish....
zzz
and my mum blows up literally...
-
needless to say after that my second sis talked to me, and as usual the debate about catholic and Protestant church come in

---

-
jealousy is a very strange emotion...
it doesn’t make sense
neither does some repressed emotions
-
i remember stuff along the lines of a retreat last year
down back to reality

---

I don’t see the fit... i really don’t
why can’t life be less complicated...

not being myself...

and putting up facades
-
you don’t really know anything do you?
-
maybe it should be kept that way...
-
maybe... =(
-
reverse reactions...

bleah

crap
-
I dunno why this MUST always happen
-
i need encouragement too you know... I cant possibly keep this up
-
but you really irked me so bad... really...
-
I am not God... why do you expect me to be perfect or something? I have my flaws, everyone has them, but you only always end up criticising everything.
-
why do i always end up losing my temper... and regret it after that...
so much for “Honour your father and mother...”
-
sighz
-
so much for deciding that i wanted to stay home in the end, and end up being stuck like this again
-
sighz ... God help me...
-
=(