nothing much

somehow these few days
-
I know I feel left out, because of having to be stuck in camp while the others have their leave and fun
-
and when I get back, somehow things don’t seem very much the same either
-

---

after finding a way to fix L4D to run multiplayer without lag
-
it seems like I’ve been playing a lot of it recently, with random online strangers
-
but somehow the real fun of the game really comes with playing with a group of friends you love and know
-
and even so, I even find talking to a group of close friends online more meaningful and fulfilling than mere computer video games.
even getting poked fun of by LM is better than that
-
but somehow, I’ve really been feeling very insecure about myself over the past few days...
-
somehow... I wonder if you guys ever get tired of having me around...
and are glad to be able to enjoy yourselves without me...

---

nothing much I can do about a lot of circumstances around me
-
especially with regard to the past behind me...
I always wondered
if you ever knew how I really felt about things all the way
when I saw things that made me uncomfortable
that made me rather sad
-
I gave so much of myself away
that I dare not give anyone else anything
for now...
-
but I do know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
and one of the things I can do
is to have the courage to move on...

MDC

I wish somehow
that I didn’t have to put up some people all the time
-
somehow they say its a half-half fault thing
-
but seriously... i wonder who’s ‘tone’ sounds more disgusting
-
talking about a subject you know nuts about
and acting like you know everything about it
-
somehow that really disgusts me
-
fibreglass guitar indeed
one of the primary reasons why I,(and many others) thoroughly dislike ovation guitars
-
Acoustic wood tone... with the bright sparkles and mellow sweetness... the depth and warmth
Can never be better than a synthetic piece of rubbish, no matter how expensive it may be
-
Ovation may have projection and clarity, with quite a decent pickup system, but sacrifices tone and depth to achieve it...
-
don’t desecrate the subject of acoustic guitars... if you really know absolutely nothing about it

---

somehow, it’s tiring lah
playing all these secular songs for no apparent incentive... sacrificing valued break time
I might as well have joined MDC by the looks of things...
-
I wish I could have taken a day off today and joined the rest...
sigh...
-

Let the words remain unsaid pt 2

I did a much older post with a similar title 1 and a half years ago:
Link

---

Password protected

cliques

Password protected post:
-
Link

bitter medicine

looking back one and a half years ago, a conversation I had at the start of 2008
-
oh well
i wonder what kind of stuff I'll end up doing in 1 and a half years time
army >.< but i dunno if I can get into something like medicine haha haha what d'you suppose you'll be doing ? overseas or NUS/NTU/SMU?
-

oh
no idea
i was hoping to do medicine
but not with the amount of discipline i have
nor the extent of my laziness
-
haha
I'm lazy also
but I'll like medicine too haha
which was half the reason why i chose bio/math/chem combi
-
oh =.=
i didn't have what i wanna do in mind when i chose my subs

---

sigh... laziness doesn’t pay off i guess
-
neither does emoing over things...

Memory

a car driving down a nearly empty road in the wee hours of the morning
stops at a bus stop, or just before...
-
nothing heard but the sound of cars in the expressway in the distance racing... rather softly
the trudging sound of an oncoming bus. inscribed with the numbers, 74...
-
the car door opens, slowly...
a guitar and bag are also slowly retrieved from the car
-
the door is slammed softly, the car races off
time is carefully taken to adjust the bag and guitar straps
-
the bus stops, he stops, looks
wonders whether she would be on that bus, getting off
-
being able to at least catch a small moment of time to talk and walk with her
something ultimately precious at that moment of time
-
an awkward smile and hello...
and silence while walking in...
-
he wonders if she know what is on his mind at that moment
that his heartbeat is unnaturally fast
-
and he wished she could talk too
-

---

That was the past at least....
just but a memory
-
times have changed a lot... that’s all I know
-
it all seemed so surreal to think about it
just like a fairy tale story
haha
-
except the fairy tale never had much of a happily ever after...

another dream

more vivid this time, I could remember more of the details this time
-
it was the 3 of us, we were walking down the pathway outside the SAC (the narrow strip of concrete)
-
after some time one of you disappeared, maybe having to fly off somewhere else far far away...
-
while the other stayed with me
-
still a rather happy dream

---

I think somehow beneath all these facades and everything
-
when you strip everything down
-
I think nothing much has changed about how I felt since Feb 2007
-
just a matter of a change of how I deal/dealt with the issue
-
sigh...

---

looking through the convos of one of the friends I’m closest to
(in terms of how I trust them with my thoughts)
-
times have changed much...

Eleven Minutes

questions on sexuality and love
-
I guess everyone asks these questions sooner or later
-

---

beyond how the world looks beyond those “eleven minutes”
-
Love is a sacred gift from God, but the world has messed up so badly
it becomes a curse
-

---

anyway reading that book, infusion of biblical and worldly precepts of love and sex
albeit rather pornographic in its descriptions...
-
Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
-
Song of Solomon 2:7:

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

-

---

its strange to tell a malay muslim guy I made friends with during my guard duty:
-
I don’t worry, If God wants to give me a life companion, He will, if not He wont,
After all, God is Great (Allāhu Akbar) , and He can do anything
-
and he agreed.

Hurricanes

the aftermath of stupid facebook sabotage came anyway
-
or maybe its because of a few defiant comments
-
bleah
-

---

my thoughts upon the whole affair is this I guess
-
firstly, everyone somehow likes scandal... its really lame
seriously... and well she doesn’t deserve it... all the stupid teasing
-
I don’t like her in the way i like(or used to like) someone else ...
-
secondly, i guess I am a bit well, sian
it’s the whole “emil is a total joke” kind of thing...
esp some of the comments...
-
but compare it to some of the other jokes they had in the past involving my “twin”
-
well I guess its natural...

---

bleah, I don’t want another HG like incident
not funny...

Dream

I had a dream
-
i woke up, not knowing what it was about
-
I just knew
it was a happy one
and you were inside somehow...
-

---

finally got a reply, unsuccessful
-
I guess , where to go from now
-
that’s the question...

Streams

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.

By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God, my rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"

As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
-
Psalms 42

Paranoia

sometimes it seems that way
after what happened with regard to last year
-
maybe I’m rather insecure... I’m scared that history repeats itself yet again...
-
yet everything is a matter of perception

---

one of my OETI buddies was sharing to me about his antics in liking a person
-
“then they found out and told everyone”
“lan lan she find out and started avoiding me like siao”
-
haha, at least i didn’t get it that bad... even though i was getting swanned left right centre 1-2 years ago,
but at least we remained friends haha
-

---

yeah, I was a bit freaked out by the facebook incident... but yeah
-
most people tell me to just laugh it off
since it’s really nothing
-
haha

---

yeah and I’m getting rather well...
seems like paranoia when i can mistake J low’s pic to be someone else
stupid lah, dunno why all the NSF’s with the same haircut look the same
-
anyway today... a certain C HQ was trying so hard to get me into trouble
but he’s fighting a losing battle either way
-
1. The PC doesn’t want to go through all the paper work and everything.
-
2. The way C HQ pushes forward his argument will definitely annoy the PC... He’s not doing it right... I was simply trying to keep quiet ... needless to say who will get a better impression...
-
3. The PC has a way better impression of me than C HQ, while I try to keep a positive attitude most of the time, C HQ normally complains...
-
4. While C HQ might be able to get the support of some of the platoon mates, I also can get my own support from some of the others, including Luqman and some of the other malays,,,
-
5. The PC knows that if he does do an investigation... and I get implicated... I’ll most likely push it up to the CI...
-
essentially, the benefits of being a pseudo white-horse is showing through...
-
...take that, ya stinkin b*stard...
-

the waiting game

I’m tired of it all
-
messing around something you really rather not do...
simply waiting for time pass by
-
and also waiting for a reply which never came /will come...
stupid NUS...
-

---

Sigh, will You make a way?
-
I really dunno =(
-
I want to do sometime meaningful...
but somehow so many things have been shut off...
-
since the first sat of april
-
too

---

well if someone has had the objective of making my life in ns as horrible as he can
he’s largely succeeded
-
I’m quite sian about it
-
wish i could get back to school...

The Endweek

as my thoughts think back upon the past few days
-

I guess most of what I would be thinking of would be in the previous post... password protected eitherway

-

---

first thing to say:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PETRINA CHENG!!!!

-

Haha, anyway I hope you liked the card and present if you’re reading this hehe

-

---

anyway as wondering... as Marc and everyone says, even what i believe in

is that when God closes doors he normally opens other at the same time

-

perhaps, involvement in Kevin’s vision of the GMC youth band might be a way God could use me

-

since I already felt convicted, that God was calling me to 2 ministries... that of outreach and worship

-

but somehow wondering where would hearing resounding choruses of the songs we wrote in songs4him.wordpress.com in events such as Loudfest and FOP lead to...

-

even as sometimes, I have my reservations of such events, sometimes I feel they tend to elevate human emotions above God

-

but I guess , if it is an opportunity to bless people with the testimony of the songs we wrote...

I might as well give it a shot...

pray more about it i guess...

---

anyway after that meeting which left me late to join the BB gang for lunch/shopping?
-
and somehow... I dunno, I get really irritated with some people sometimes
like i see a trend... liking to sticky yourself to people I’m closer or ’seem closer’ to...
and after that try to chase me away
-
sigh, I wonder why I try to be so nice to you when I can...
I should have just followed advice and leave you alone then...
-
somehow past apologies seem so hollow
when you still do the same to me all the time after everything is over...
-

---

haha its quite stupid
the way some people think...
-
esp. the idiot who messed with my facebook status... ...
-
anyway that statement was true...
but not exactly in the way that people will interpret...
haha...
-

after all, I do love all my close friends

=p haha

Beginnings of a song

Chorus:
But I will worship you oh Lord
You're my strength my portion
I will wait upon you Lord
I know You'll surely come....
-
Password protected post

Strange how a conversation can go....

force-feeding the same old concepts into people isn’t going to work
-
everyone knows we should not sin
-
yet we still do... we do what we do not want to do...
-
because no matter how hard we try,
human efforts will not work... we still stumble and fall
only God can change our hearts, and give us the strength and His spirit to overcome
-

---

-
the important thing is, in every decision, is to always point it towards Jesus
-
yeah, but problem is, so many times we’re scared to do that,
esp. when we already know He’s most likely going to say something we might not like...
-
but God calls us to surrender, even when its hard
after all Jesus said
“If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)
-

---

we like to fit God into our hopes, our plans...
we cheapen God who measures the universe with the span of His hand
into a mere genie in a bottle...
-
Asking is not wrong
but we must always have the attitude of Jesus when he prayed in Gethsemane:
“If its possible, take this cup from me... yet not my will, but Your will be done” (Matthew 26:39)
-

As much as I dont like Gahmen propaganda

-
Beautiful imperfection... something I always believed in...
-

---

on the other hand...
http://www.mrbrownshow.com/2009/04/10/the-mrbrown-show-funeral-too/
where I got wind of this commercial, since I don’t watch TV...
-
has a rather.. erm, interesting take on it...
my advice is not to listen to it unless you’re really in need of a laugh...
-

keeping my thoughts to myself

because I know...
-
everything must come to pass
-
I guess, like everything else, its just a passing phase
-

---

thinking of everything makes my head spin
-
somehow...
-
but I know God provides... in His time
-
just a test of faith...
-

---

Charles is right...
-
pretty soon the friends closest to me would have moved on... and away...
-
me having to stand on my own 2 feet...
-
sigh... I wish time would slow...
-
or that NUS could reply me soon...
-
I dunno... sigh... like how i felt around sec2 and sec4...
-
apprehensive of where God would place me
but He did put me where i wanted to be in the end...
will He do the same?
-

Let my words be few

You are God in heaven
And here am I on earth,
So I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.
-
And I'll stand in awe of You,
Yes I'll stand in awe of You,
And I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.
-
The simplest of all love songs
I want to bring to You,
So I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.
-

---

love, - which words cannot describe
-
God is Love...
remembering this through Easter...
-

---

perhaps, love is best shown through quietness and silence...
-
let the words remain unsaid...
-
but let my life show that I love You...

---

oh my words could not tell
not even in part
of the debt of love that is owed by this thankful heart...
-

---

distil my thoughts
-
what do i think of when my mind is allowed to wander...
-
perhaps, its not right... sigh...

sigh

i missed enrolment parade... for the first time in 6 years
-
and I do miss working with you’ll...

---

even though one camp and 2 or 3 weeks isn’t a lot
but i guess, its what one makes of it that counts...
-
i made much of it, for a while
-
so be it I guess...
-

---

sigh , life is like some sort of waiting game
-
waiting for something that maybe never come to pass
-
waiting for replies
-
waiting again...

---

credibility isn’t everything
-
In Christian ministry,
isn’t calling, isn’t commitment more important?
-
sigh...