Silence

if there’s nothing to be said
let it be so…

If it’s the right thing to do. I guess I’ll leave it as that.
don’t want to be imposing

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I don’t really need to care what people say about me

I guess I just need to trust that God will take care of everything in His time…

I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell.
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well…

I won't give up...

'shut up'

hmm…

I wonder as this semester comes to a close

because we learnt so much, but there’s so little time…

And there’s no need to say anything I guess…

Stress, crazy things, lack of sleep, but it was good nonetheless…

Do I dare?

Speak now

or forever hold your peace…

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Maybe I’ve been so obsessed about the “right time”

that by the time I try, it seems like it’s too late?

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So the question is whether its better to come clean right at the start

or wait and see…

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perhaps in the case of ambiguity

its best to rely on informative social influence…

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Rejoice, young man, while you are young, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Follow the inclination of your heart and the desire of your eyes, but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgement.

(Ecc 11:9)

or just go with what I feel and think - the reliance on the amygdala that characterises young adolescence thinking…

Sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead

I don’t want to end up becoming a ‘creep’ though

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also I keep denying it

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but I also can’t say I never thought about it…

smile

because I think everything is going to be just fine (:

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A new week is a new start, a new beginning

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So lets leave the past behind, and look ahead to better things (:

Dissociation

Sometimes, these few days, it seems like I’m living out multiple facades and identities…

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A) there’s a part of me thats become very cynical and disconnected with my emotions. It’s also starting to doubt whether God know’s what He’s doing. Fits of moodiness, anti-social behaviour and bitterness accompany this identity

B) There’s a part of me that desires to be a better person for God, who believes strongly in social causes and justice. Believes that everything happens for a reason, and that God is just using trials to shape me to a better person...

C) There’s a part of me that is really very upset, and doesn’t like what’s going on. He’s fighting with A and doesn’t want it to ruin my life, especially the friendships that are important to me

D) There ‘s a part that thinks it’s better to move on. He says that “things like this just happen”. He reminds me that there are also a lot of other people who value me as a person, and probably I’ll find another person who’s suitable for me in time to come…

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‘D’ randomly initiates conversation with certain people, transferring my previous emotional attachments to them, almost as if it were a rebound effect.

Attitudes and reasons - introspection can lead to a behavioural change

Also behaviour can give us assumptions on our own internal state when we’re not too clear whats going on.

Whatever it is that happens after this. I’ll be more careful and not repeat mistakes again.

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However I think personality ‘A’ is causing me to have dysfunctional attitudes and behaviour towards others… and I’m seemingly becoming increasingly isolated… ‘A’ seems to manifest itself under certain stress conditions…

Thank God for other friends in the meantime…

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‘C’ shows itself in the quiet of my room, where I’m left with only myself…

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‘B’ is still dominant when I’m asked about how I feel towards social causes, in CF, or during tutorial discussions about social frameworks to help special needs kids…

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For that matter, I may sound like a Dissociative Identity Disorder(DID - also known as Multiple Personality Disorder) sufferer in this post. Except I still consider myself as one person, and each facade is just a part of how I’m coping with the situation now. yay.

Also because I’ve just read a book about DID for background reading - so points about DID are particularly salient in my mind now…

A 2x 2 x2 Factorial design with 3 factors and 8 conditions

and that’s the first person today who mentioned it (out of the last 5 tutorials..)

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Being an obnoxious know-it-all isn’t what I’ll usually want to do…

usually it involves someone catching me and telling me that I’m talking too much and me shutting up.

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But I don’t really care anymore

At least I’m not useless and stupid and worthless.

I WANT TO STOP the stupid thoughts that keep cropping up..

Study hard indeed… I don’t need to right?…

Screw life and all the disappointments it likes to throw at me..

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Yet I’m trying to move on and know life is more than this… help…

Starbucks… running around… in the effort to distract myself from everything...

Letting Go

There are different seasons of life to go through.

Every seed must die before it grows

And if you really love, you must be willing to let it hurt you...

...and to let go when the time comes… (:

Enough to let me go - Switchfoot

Oh

I'm a wandering soul

I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone

All I know

I still got mountains to climb

On my own

On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you, my love

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter

Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry

You're so beautiful, tonight

Back from the dead we went through

Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied

You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Breathe it in

And let it go

Every breath you take is not yours to own

It's not yours to hold

Do you love me enough to let me go?

D'you think you can find it?

Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?

Or did you trade it for something

Somewhere better just to have it?

Do you know where your love is?

Do you think that you lost it?

You felt it so strong, but

Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and

Your best look

You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it

Do you know where the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it

Abnormal Psychology

"Love is a form of mental illness not yet recognized in any of the standard diagnostic manuals."

- Stuart Sutherland, Psychologist, 1989

Falling to pieces

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Sometimes… life just feels like that...

Apathy

Apathy is slowly taking over my whole life, in a bid to contain the emotional struggle within me and prevent it from killing me...

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and nothing much seems to be helping, drowning myself in JCRC, studying,

and sin creeps in too… and nothing can satisfy… and the guilt kills after that...

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God, you see my struggle, You see my thoughts, I can’t hide from You…

But help me find a way out of this mess… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore…

The Eagle

As I saw an eagle (or some large bird) soar across the Thai sky, the same way it did above the Nanyang Audi before the Stats Exam…
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I recalled this verse:
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Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40: 28-31)

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I don’t know how things are going to turn out

I don’t know if me being honest about my thoughts will end up pushing people away

I don’t know if I indadvertedly said or did things which didn’t come off well

But I know God will be with me, even if I get rejected and hurt by the people I trust…

Birthday wishes

This post is kinda overdue - but yeah

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Thanks for all those last week who made my 21st special:

to Jia’en, Shayne, Yi Ming - for the unexpected surprise after class at the HSS building, the cake/card, the lunch, you all really made my day (:

to the Block E people - thanks for the cake

to the Hall 3 29th JCRC - thanks for the cake and card

to GLOW (NTUCF CG) - thanks for the cake and card - even though Anna didn’t realise it was my birthday and asked me where to buy a cake ><

to Anna, Lawrence, Jiajun - for spending time with me late at night at Nanyang meadows to chill and chat

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For every cake a got ( a total of 5 cakes ><) there always these tradition of 'making a wish' before blowing out the candles

I guess, I could always wish for a perfect GPA, getting the perfect GF, or any of those things which are important for a first year uni student as he wonders about the rest of his life.

But all these things don't really matter do they? even if I manage to get a GPA of 5 and get together with the girl of my dreams, it still has very little value compared to whatever God has intended for me.

I wish therefore, that God will reveal his purpose in my life more and more, and in whatever I do, I will be a blessing to the people around me… And I trust that whatever things else that matters, my ambitions, desires, hopes, dreams…. He will take care of it, in His time...

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and so, as the exam break comes, I guess:

Lord teach me to trust in You more.

Teach me how to value myself and build my identity as Your child

And love other people the way You want me to.

and help me in my weakness, to depend on You more…

QR codes

After playing around with QR codes, I realise they are pretty cool haha

Scenery

After 2-3 months or so in the NTU Yunan Garden campus, walking around and exploring the place
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there are plenty of nice places one can go for walks – from the Nanyang Lake to the park opposite the chinese heritage centre.
-
its nice to go for walks, soaking in the fresh air, thinking about things in general… learning all the different shortcuts around the place…
-

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it’s nicer when there are friends to walk with though (: company is what makes a place beautiful…

The sharp knife of a short life...

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“Life is short…”
-
“thank God for each day He gives us...”
-

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Thinking back at the past few months...
-
conversations, people, thoughts…

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thats the way you are… smile…
-
No point worrying about tmr right?

I'm thankful

things worked out so far (:
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a week back, I tried to convince myself I didn’t really care either
-
but I realise I can’t…

JCRC Photoshoot

About a month ago I remember asking around friends about a good place to do a formal photoshoot…

“ADM”
“they want somewhere in town”
“Orchard Central rooftop”

and after I did a poll with the rest
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Orchard Central rooftop was the majority

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Original plan was to go there around twilight and make use of the ambient lighting to take the photos… however due to a poor decision by Johnnie(VP) to take 502 express bus - we ended up rather late… was a good thing I took cab rather than 502 the previous day to get back to hall after the PVS OG outing
-
so twilight was out… we headed to the rooftop anyway
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I decided to use my strobe + light stand + flash reflector/diffuser + colour filters which I bought in case
-

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on the way up to the roof level
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Winfred(President) asked me:
“So where do you want us to take the photo?”
“I’m not sure, go up and see”
“You mean you never come here before????”
“Yeah, my friend recommended this place… sh...”
“You sure can or not?”
“I trust my friend okay… I trust my friend…”
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When we arrived to the breathtaking view - no one really had anything to complain about -
OC is probably one of the tallest buildings in orchard with an accessible rooftop…

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as our original plan for twilight photos came to naught… we had to use flash anyway
-
One of them remarked
“I don’t really like flash”
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The photo shoot took the better part of the next 2 hours - but it definitely was fun playing around with the off camera flash lighting options… it is definitely possible to achieve very natural lighting with a combination of flash diffusers and colour blending from different directions - no need to worry so much about ‘flash effect
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anyway, more work for me I guess having to process more photos
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it was definitely fun while it lasted - more fun than sitting around the dark part of scape listening to off-tuned guitars...