Cry of my heart

From the Inside out

-

...A thousand times I failed, 

Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

I'm caught in Your grace....

-

...Your will above all else

my purpose remains

the art of losing myself

In giving You praise...

-

My heart and my soul,

I give You control

Consume me from the Inside out

let justice and praise

become my embrace

to love You from the inside out

-

Everlasting , Your light will shine when all else fades

Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart

is to give you praise 

from the inside out Lord my soul crys out

-

---

perhaps, before we sing this song again, lets reflect upon what it means

-

Faithfulness and the grace of God

Surrender

Love him from the inside out

-

surrender... I know... a hard thing to grasp... yet all of us need to do that... yet we need not fear... God is faithful, God will give us the grace...

-

Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

-

from the inside out... the change of heart first.... not just the outward

-

yet I wish... we wouldnt sing songs without knowing what it means...

-

After a 58min phone converation, ( owww my mum is going to kill me)

for you... i pray, be strong and courageous, have faith.... and hold fast to God... 

-

perhaps... the cautions are to be heeded

but again... trust Me... and the rest... what I hear... God will not let us fall away... I know that...

-

perhaps, trust... My sheep hear My voice...

-

I wish things were less confusing...

Choices (part 2)

heh

the the book Tim passed to me, Choices...

regarding relationships and stuff... 

-

I guess.... I heard complains about the primers challenge post.... okay I admit... while this blog is blatantly open about my thoughts, emotions and views... I know... perhaps I was exaggerating... perhaps I was being condescending...

-

however... the truth, is that, relationships built upon the physical, the sensual, do not last... the physical smokescreen fades...  and you realise... you dont know the other person at all...

I dunno... the truth.... may hurt...  or maybe? I dunno... best not to cite examples... or people are going to kill me or something

hmm.... perhaps an innocence example... Matthew was sharing... about stuff... the other time... a relationship not built upon friendship... 

-

rather a relationship built upon inner beauty, an appreciation of the person for who he or she is, and the acceptance of the faults, and flaws each person has... will last...

-

foundation...

ground breaking? I remember a previous post... 

-

In a conversation with Hannah:

"anyway 

outside appearance, material physical stuff 

in the end dont matter 

the heart is more impt , for a friend"

-

and that's what I firmly believe in... whether for any form of relationships, the heart is more important...

-

the heart counts the most... Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."(1 Sam 16:7)

-

"as in it doesn't matter how well written it is... i suppose its the heart behind it that counts...."

-

the choice of friends or relationships ... they should be built upon the basis of the heart.... not of outward appearance, condition and stuff...

-

---

and finally

guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life(Proverbs 4:23)

and hold fast to God... in the book of Deuteronomy, the theme behind it

Love Him,walk in His ways,obey His commandments and hold fast to Him

---

pff

today was tiring....

trying to be in 4 different places in one go is crazy

1. missions training in school

2. Church prac and BOTS

3. BBHQ BBQ( primer's challenge reunion)

4. Choir Dinner @ Suntec NUSS

-

and it gets worst when poison is around... 

why cant you love God.... and Love thy neighbor.... God doesn't desire us to be disunited... 

-

and even... can't even be nice enough to lead worship with me for God

-

not for my sake, for God's sake and your sake... I don't lose anything by you being mean to me... but you lose out....why dont you realise that?

-

I care for you as a concerned brother in Christ... yet

1 John 4:7-21

-

the verse which is always quoted... but usually only the second part.... :

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8 

-

I admit... I do have problems sometimes... the thing about it... esp if other people make it hard for me to love them... yet God loves them... so we need to love them...

-

Give us grace to do so... Lord...

Lamentations

In moments of utmost grief and suffering, in the bible, and you see how, even through the pain... there is still this declaration of faith:

-

The Steadfast Love of the LORD never ceases, 

His mercies never come to an end, 

they are new every morning, 

great is Your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion" says my soul

"therefore I will hope in Him"

(Lamentations 3: 22-24)(NRSV)

-

and beyond that:

"the LORD is good to those who wait for Him,

to the soul that seeks Him"

(Lamentations 3:25)(NRSV)

-

---

why does the Lord allow us to be tested and to be troubled.... to suffer?

-

I realised... so many times, like a sheep gone astray,... stumbling and losing my way....

and God allows stuff to happen to us

yet in such circumtances, we clinge on to Him more

-

Though we may not understand

Why some things may happen to us

Still we learn to have faith

and we continue to praise

-

I called on Your name O LORD,

From the depths of the pit;

You heard my plea,"Do not close Your ear to my  cry for help, but give me relief

You came near when I called on You, 

You said "Do not fear"

You have taken up my cause, O LORD,

You have redeemed  my life.

(Lamentations 3:55-58)(NRSV)

-

and a fact that God does afflict us, it not some happy, prosperity Gospel, which is a LIE, 

-

But God even though He may give us suffering, yet, He gives us the strenght to move on, the grace to pick us up, and carry us through the tough times...

-

there are so many times this few weeks when I felt so confused, so lost...

-

there are times when I realised I compromised the time spent with God... and felt so dry after that....

-

yet God is faithful... this I believe... and  God knows what is best....

-

so help me surrender my heart, my will into Your hands...

-

God everlasting

God Everlasting

Verse 1 :

A thousand days in this world

Could never compare

To a day in Your presence

A day close in Your embrace

The storms and pains in this world

Can never pull away

Your Love that’s in Christ Jesus

Your Grace so amazing

Chorus:

Cause You are the God Everlasting

And You Forever Reign (x2)

So let me know

That You are in control

So hear my cry

And fill my life

Verse 2:

Lord I come before You

Broken at Your feet

Lord I’m just so sorry

For the times I strayed away

And Lord I just want You

To reign in my life

And Lord I just want to

Love You with all my heart

Outro:

And when all else fails

I still know that You reign

And when all else fades

I still will bless Your name

---

Inspiration from various parts of the bible:

Issiah 40:28; ; Job 1:21b ; Psalms 84:10 ; Romans 8:38-39;

-

Quote:

"oh well, I wrote most of my songs when i was feeling down,to tell you the truth... "
"haha. think most songs are either written when happy or sad "
-

how true...  and thats where the most sincere songs, songs from the heart come from

and God is most glorified when ... we give him praise, even when we are in the worst condition to do so... "the Lord gave, the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21b)

-

and maybe i shdnt be so open in this blog...

ever wandering heart

Its easy to lose the way, to feel lost and burdened, and confused

I wish... somehow

-

is it mean that i didnt tell some people abt the project?

-

I'm supposed to involve everybody? for not doing that, not inviting evelyn, I'm mean to her?

but... I invited all of you'll personally , or got tim to do it...

-

somethings, I cant really do it over a mass email, whoever interested  sign up kind of thing

in a sense, i need to let you'll know the heart behind the project... and also... i guess

-

looking back:

-

russell was invited by XL's request,

asher came because wesley was in it, thanks for being around for us, even tho wes is a little busy

petrina technically came for CAS... but album design, I'll need someone to help chng... thanks for being around during the sessions...

-

I got tim to invite:

Amanda, Yang Jian, Fabriz, John,...

heh... i still rmb, reminding him time and again to remember to invite, almost nagging...

-

I guess through this project I restored a few friendships

i wish.... I dunno... shd I have invited eve?

-

---

"I don't like limes"

neither do I , ironically...

but oh well, i don't need to be immature and interpret it in that fashion... it was just a passing remark

-

hmm

do you think its better for both parties if i cut ?

but yet... i know i wont be seeing ... much in december...

lucky there's misson trip to occupy most of it

-

---

sighz... i dunno if ... the trigger points and stuff... do you know abt it, or is it mere coincidents

and the other time at holland... when tim, john and dan somehow was having fun teasing me... did you realise?

-

I dunno whether its worth talking to you directly abt this kind of stuff... it may or may not be good

-

and I don't want to scare you off again... 

---

Who am I

-

Who am I? 
That the Lord of all the earth, 
Would care to know my name, 
Would care to feel my hurt. 
Who am I? 
That the bright and morning star, 
Would choose to light the way, 
For my ever wandering heart. 

Not because of who I am. 
But because of what you've done. 
Not because of what I've done. 
But because of who you are. 

I am a flower quickly fading, 
Here today and gone tomorrow. 
A wave tossed in the ocean, 
A vapor in the wind. 
Still you hear me when I'm calling, 
Lord you catch me when I'm falling, 
And you told me who I am. 
I am yours. 
I am yours. 

Who am I? 
That the eyes that see my sin 
Would look on me with love 
And watch me rise again 
Who am I? 
That the voice that calm the sea, 
Would call out through the rain, 
And calm the storm in me. 

---

"through the good times and the bad, You are God alone!"

-

"nice quote my pm" says ....

---

sighz

-

I wish... i dunno, I'm lost

I wish it really was easy as saying "I just want to be friends" and leave out the "for now"

-

I'm being very selfish... why do I want things in a certain manner

-

---

you mean a lot to me.... but that shdnt be the way, that cannot be the way, God shd be first place in my heart, the first thought that comes to mind when I wake, the person I dream about, the person my mind wanders off to when my thoughts are free to roam

-

the fact that the songs... I was with you when you made the music, when you did the stuff...

I guess, tim was there also.... but... 

---

but strangely

Hannah gave quite good advice(along with teasing me for a fair bit):

"don't think so much lah"

"maybe just concentrate on reading God's word(:'"

-

same thing tim has been telling me for a long time... somemore coming from someone younger than me

-

but i dunno

from a girls perspective... ... I don't trust my own perception...

-

but eitherway, I havn't seen Hannah in church for a long time...

i dunno, find yourself a loner in church?  why would that be? you feel that people look down on you?

sighz

-

i dunno

Contemplative (relationships)

Extract from Charles Ng's Email, with a few parts highlighted (with my thoughts in green)

Dear All,

In my younger days (kindergarden), I used to form a Boys' clubs, an
amalgamation of various clans of hardy and warrior like Boys who were
bent on defending all that was free and fair from the barbie doll
wielding Girls who charged our ranks during recess time. Of course, as
in many battles, the lines between courage and foolhardy was thinned
and devastation ran amok ... at least until recess ended and battle
raged again the next day with truces forged over weekends. Through the
years, these Boys clubs became singles associations and their ranks
diminished as their members aged. Kindergarden always will be
Kindergarden and we will always grow up into discovering that we will
develop feelings for someone of the other camp. Treachery as I'd come
to discover was a total and reforming experience that no one was
absolved from.

And the fascination grows into an almost uncontrollable intensity when
we meet someone we first begin to fancy. Suddenly years of warfare and
hard drilled rationality is thrown into the spaces of invisibility and
we go Ga-Ga whenever someone passes by and Ha -Ha for no apparent
reason. And for the first time, we actually feel a pain throbbing in
the heart, wishing always to see and be with someone but when that
person appears, we become like Dr Ong's eagles, rooted to the ground,
expressionless and stony.(heh... lol, MSN versus real life)

To start, Let begin by saying that its not wrong feeling this way. We
stepped into a time when we discover that we want to be with someone
and to be wanted in return. It was in God's great design to show us
that the central part of our existance was to desire a deep,
fulfilling initmacy. Where being with someone gave all the reason to
existence.

But all that seems so idealistic when the road appears to be strewn
with so large a number of failed relationships. Remember, a failed
relationship does not mean that you are better able to love the next
time around (hmm... true), in fact, so often if we had a failed relationship, we
bring the baggage of the past into the next round. And thats unfair
for the other party. So don't easily buy the adage that we should try
being in a relationship to learn. But what happened? why did a
God-given desire go so wrong for so many?

Before that, lets understand this desire better. We are given this
desire because it exemplifies our greatest need - the need for
intimacy. All of human life finds meaning in relationships - not in
the vast swathes of money or the glitter of status, rather they are
found in friendships, family, fellowship and ultimately an eternity of
being with the Creator Himself. The danger is in elevating a human
relationship above being with Jesus Himself.

The problem, I guess, is that we've never placed a relationship into
perspective, that marriage at its very best, at its greatest, is only
but a mere shadow of being with Jesus. But sometimes, if we are honest
with ourselves, we must be thinking that after all these years of
worship services and bible studies, a relationship with someone of the
opposite gender seems more exciting and fulfilling. It really means we
got to know Jesus more. Listen to Him alot more and you know what, He
can satisfy a zillion times more than a BGR can, anytime, anyday!

So what happened? Its because many times we rush into a relationship
without praying and understanding what it a relationship means
biblically. its like driving a car without having gone through driving
school. So we hop on and learn as we go until the car crashes. We
haven't learnt to control our emotions and feelings properly. More
often than not, we are still too selfish, and partly thats why we want
to be in a relationship cause we want total and exclusive attention
from someone. We need to mature in love before we enter into a
relationship.

So what can we do if we start feeling the tinkling feelings of crushes?

1) Get a life! - don't be obsessed (Phil 4:8-9)*  (lol haha)

Really its as easy as stop thinking about it so much. Learn to
surrender every thought to the Lord. Think about wholesome stuff like
the cross or what we can do to bless our family today. And as the
verse tells us, peace will follow.

2) Don't be found in a place of temptation or don't tempt others!

Always try to avoid going out with someone of the opposite gender on a
one- to- one basis(hmm ... piano and stuff... oh well). Not unless you are willing to contemplate something in the longer term. If you must, go with a group of friends.If you are in a situation where you know that someone might like you
too, then you really got to avoid being a position where temptations
amount. Also if you know someone might have special feelings for you,
don't torment.(hmm ... I wonder what that means... " guard your heart"?) Its wise to avoid temptation and stumbling someone else.

3) Spend more time building friendships on both sides - but best
friends are for people from the same gender

You see it does not mean avoiding people from the opposite gender, its
about doing so wisely. Yet in your youth, spend time building
friendships for life. The danger is not doing so because of being in a
relationship and living the rest of our lives regretting having solid
pals alongside.

4) Learn to share and get wise advise (hmm ... I know... what ppl would tell me, I heard enough to know.... I've been talking to ppl like Tim/Glynn/Matthew but...)

You've got trusty officers around! Heeelllloooo! We're here and sit by
our phones (the one i just got) waiting for you folks to call.

Its important that we have friends who allow us to share honestly and
will hold our conversation in confidence. Its more important to find
these friends now than to be in a relationship.

(I cut off this part)

Thus I hope we may deal with relationships maturely. There are reasons
why we are adament that you should avoid being in one for now. its not
that being in one condemns you, but we don't want you to get hurt
needlessly(I know... there isn't a point being hurt). Have a good holidays. Try to learn about Jesus more.

With brotherly love

Charles Ng

---

while lunch with charles, and a few others. at the vietnamese noodle restaurant... and Charles was narrating that email to us all, I wasn't exactly paying attention... until I checked my email later on...

-

heh... (since when did I start using that word on sms/web lingo?) anyway, being as normal as can be... maybe letting off some stuff on tim... but... still...?

-

and Tim... it doesn't really help if you start interpreting everything as trigger points and announcing it to the whole world... what would she have felt? 

-

I know she knows... I'm thankful she's still willing to be friends and be nice... sighz... thats still part of the problem... part of the reason for the emotional issues, would be her character, the tendency to be friendly and such... 

-

but again, I'm not being very fair... she doesn't have to change her character to make me be normal...

-

anyway

charles talking abt what presents guys prefer...

heh he missed me out... thankfully... 

but chng/ john had to point that out... zzz

-

triggers?

crossing the road without bothering abt the cars.... doesn't that sound like me??

heh... :(

sighz 

-

it doesn't mean anything if ppl have similar habits(bad or good) and stuff... like the tendency to absentmindedly leave stuff behind... (like handphones) , short stature, dislike for pork, etc... the list can go on

-

even as Matthew shared about his former gf sharing same birthday date with him a month back... big deal it made... they broke up in the end..

-

---

emotional investments... I know... being overtly concerned for her welfare... seemingly always hanging around her everyday during the hols( even if its in a group)... or else MSN chats almost everyday?...

I try to cut sometimes... but its not working very well... or maybe the reason why i want to cut is a selfish one... =(

-

mixed signals... sighz... perception ... i don't trust it anymore... it tends to have biased based on the emotional status... rational  logic can also be affected by emotions... emotions can affect how one knows... stuff (lol ToK essay)

-

heh

wearing my emotions on my sleeves, its too easy to interpret me...

-

in the end... I might end up hurting myself... not very good...

-

I guess... it was painful enough in feb, and more painful during the time when she sort of avoided me...  and now...

-

I always talked of reconciliation... and true... I'm a lot better with XL(provided I don't trigger anything), and her...

-

that's something to be thankful for.... yet... one other person is left... Evelyn...

yet

i dunno

she seems to have lost a lot of her friends... even hating Tim now???

-

there was a point of time she kept sticking to... ... ... during the exam period, was it to spite me?

and the comment the other time... ("she would be so mad" when I was carrying ... ... ...'s bag to wah chee)

-

I dunno, had i been any other person, I would probally just wash my hands off her... and basically "让她去死", tim... and more...

-

the 2 greatest commandments

"Love God wholeheartedly"

Love your neighbor as yourself...

-

 I wish it was possible to do that... 

a tendency to shun ppl, I also have that... darn seb yap...

-

I dunno

-

Guide of my Life... lol

XL's song.... which he refuses to anknowledge now...

-

but even so... we need Him to guide our lives... not us to grab on to it... but to surrender all to His perfect will

-

and I need to trust that He knows what's best.... sighz... was what I heard(or thought I heard) from God... way back then...

-

oh well

I guess

if anyone reads this, and doesn't feel comfortable abt it... heh... drop me an msn or something... 

-

I guess...  its the open diary for all to read... my life and my walk with God... how things been... for me to look back in the future and see how faithful God has been... I've seen the last year's posts... besides the rubbishy "random dumb stuff " ... I can see how God's been faithful... this blog is testimony to His faithfulness... 

-

heh at the same time some scandalous emo rubbish? i hope not... and I hope who ever reads this... would take it in a more positive light

-

"to know He is there through it all"

Uncourth or condesending

primers challenge.

-

wish you were there...

-

I guess... but its strange... how many primers from the other companys, how many of them actually know God?, Christians by name, no doubt, but, ...?

-

or am I being judgmental and condecending...

-

yet

"Bastard, Bastard, Bastard," during charades on a bus

a number of unwholesome language and talk...

and a couple making out publically on the bus..... gross...

-

cigerettes? for parents I assume...

-

hmm... sighz...

-

I don't want to be elitist and condencending, as if I'm any better than these " NSKs"

but I dunno

-

---

the events of each day in a nut shell

-

Day 1: 

-

A really long bus ride... got to know the fantastic bunch of ppl from grp D (my group) 

Asahi the classical guitar provided entertainment as well as some new nickname

" chen wei hong"??? who on earth is that?

-

saw a glimpse of the 2 jokers... talk about heavy petting,... gross... a few curious stares, but nothing more.... Ms Catherine closes 1 eye I assume...

-

Assaulted by bannana trees while we ,packed into an open top lorry like sardines, were transported to the camp site

-

"communal toilets"... eww

-

nice sleeping huts though

and I did the longest QT I've done in a while,

-

sleep

-

Day 2:

mini Fireac? poor turnout

-

socks and sandals, to keep the dressing on my foot... some people question about it, hehe, 

-

"looks like someone bit your foot"

-

Waterfall abyssing, heh... nothing much new, just abyssing with water splashing your feet..., and I raced down the waterfall,, haha, faster than the person before me.

-

outdoor cooking

hehe, sardines cooked with egg is nice...brought my own

-

rafting... swimming against a strong current is scary, nearly lost my brand new sandals...

but was quite fun, we didn't remain in our grps, we sort of reshuffled... Kenneth, Bong, Me on one side, while, 1 other girl, an officer and another guy on the other...

-

whee... was sort of fun i guess

-

talent time??? lol

collide was performed, with me the lead vocalist, the guitarist (with trusty Asahi) , and the grp D ppl acting like clowns behind me

-

Day 3:

mini Fireac again... but..

-

Caving.. the most muddy disgusting thign ever...

the rock formations were interesting though...

my touch got killed by the water..

luckily my camera survived...

IPOH

ipoh horfun is REALLY GOOD

shopping... but nothing much to buy.. wanted to buy shoes, but mum would murder... not a good idea

-

sleep... towpok.... and  the rest for a party

-

Day 4:

Bus journey back.... sat in full view of the gross couple.... and the charades... ended up rather put off....

"leave my friend alone" (lol my camera popped out...)

-

oh well... last day... doesn't really matter if I make enemies...

-

but the crude language was kinda...

sighz

-

---

-somehow... I wish you could have gone... you probally would have enjoyed it more...

oh well...

-

Pictures  can be found here : http://picasaweb.google.com/BB12thcoyPics/PrimerSChallenge

---

Album production... XL...

and stuff

"don't let you emotions get in the way of respecting XL"(Tim)

sighz

-

and stuff... which i cannot write here... but sighz...

-

i dunno how things are going to turn out...

with people and last minute stuff cropping up, ppl not free... and venting it out on poor tim

-

sighz... sorry... I shdn't do that... you probally are more stressed than me... and sighz

-

Give us Your grace to make this successful,

Retreat

so many times, these few weeks... time with God, time with people... how does one make sure God has more time?...

-

a retreat... a time to reflect... a time to spend more time with God....

-

yet, also more time with people? ... ... ... unexpected?

-

I guess...  

-

paranoia can lead one away from God... 

one wonder why wander alone somewhere in the school...  while others have corporate prayer

one wanders off himself

into an empty audi, around much of the school

except the bleachers and 'grand stands", which one goes to later for prayer with Charles and 7 others

unity... I guess... Lua & Chua... thanks

-

I guess I need to trust that God will take care... 

-

tumble over in the astroturf while diving after a ball... lol that was funny...  but a nice deep skin peel off resulted

-

irony... a good reason to give up ones place... wasn't that a secret wish?

but still going for primers challenge tmr... I guess... I don't want to make ppl feel bad abt it, plus it would be fun...

-

Cards till 4 am...

-

a tinge of guilt... 

why can't I spend that amount of time with God?

-

off an msn convo I had:

-

£ٱɱعɑɗe ... ... says (8:50 PM):

as in... if one really loves God... one would want to spend time with God... 

-

I guess how does one do that?

how does one make God the first thought that comes to mind when one wakes up?... that even one dreams of God... basically "eat, sleep, think, breathe" God

-

---

Guarding of one's heart...

-I need to guard my heart... I cannot invest too much of my emotions

yet easier said then done... :( 

-

"don't play with fire"(charles)

-

the red tape of P.R. 2 ...

I know I cannot cross it , and there probally isn't a possibility of that happening...

since its probally only a one side thing... the few months of daoing/avoiding shd have made it clear enough

-

the very most... good friends...

-

---

sighz....

-do I need to pull myself away forcefully again?

and if  someone reads this... sighz, this open "not so secret" diary of mine... I don't want to scare off again...

-yes I still like... but I respect the choice you make...

I wish...

-

Grow in God... "Love God wholeheartly"

-

and no matter what troubles may face you, He is there for you... 

-

17

I shall make this a quick post

-

I guess its been a happy-sad birthday... eitherway running around all over the place

-

thanksgiving

-

First and foremost to God , for 17 years, through the good and bad, You've been  there for me, even before i even knew You

-

classmates Jim and Joash, for msn happy bday wishes

-

Amanda G for the loudest "happy birthday emil!" I ever got in my life

-

Fab, Wesley, Adriel, Audrey, for birthday wishes

-

Tessa for the skunk

(I called it Evelyn lol, since boys stink according to you, the skunk stinks too lol, its cute though :) )

-

tim/dan for the secret garden album:)

-

Tim for being there for me throughout the day, the cake, the card, and the passing me the presents : )

-

Raphael, for talking and sharing again:), 

-

Mel ( CGL) for bday song:)

-

---

i dunno, today was so busy, ... no one really had the time to wish me happy bday, or even pass me presents(if any) today...., 

---

-I've been through all the adventure stuff before...  

Primer's challenge briefing...

-and if someone else is really keen on going,

abssling, rafting.. cave..

-i wish..., i don't mind giving up my own place? 

Paired up with 'neth in the same grp lol

-and plus it was unfair in the first place, to be kicked out...
memories of Khon kaen experiences
-its a stupid idea eitherway... sighz....

oh well sighz

-

and my mum enquires about whether the chocs i gave before(she unfortunately found out abt it), whether something had been given back...?

and scolding after that for apparrently wasting money...

-

but there are somethings that money, and material can't buy,

-

and one thing, is friendship, and I guess, that is the best birthday present i could ever get :)

-

thanks to all I guess...

Maybe

maybe... you shouldn't expect so much of people

maybe... there is a selfish part of you... that expects something

maybe... you need to suppress or put to death a part of you

maybe... you need to continue to surrender to His will

maybe... you need to give it more time...

-

eitherway... sighz

-

i dunno, I'm sorry... if I've been making people feel bad , if I've been irritating people, if I've been putting on a facade, if I've been scaring people off

-

if I've not trust You enough, if I've not depended on You for my joy and strength, if I've been depended on another source for satisfaction, Lord forgive me...

-

maybe, Lord, it just part of Your plan...

-

and yes, thank You for yesterday, for all the music and such

thank You for today, for giving me the opportunity to be nice to E.T., and hopefully patch things up sooner or later.

-

and somehow Lord, I just dunno, suppression of one part of myself... yet, its hard

-

yet I know Lord, I have to do that... ...

-

or maybe some things, even just a friendship that you treasure so much, are not meant to be...

-

I dunno

-

its so hard sometimes

-

---

maybe... the best thing to do... is just pray... and make up for the time which you missed yesterday... QT...

-

Maybe God is just telling me again... that He wants me back to Him.....

-

while yesterday's 930-11 and 230-4 at the SAC piano

3hours... at one of my favourite spots in the school,

-

Remembering a time when the damper pedal broke, and a sec 2 Emil dismantled the whole piano, amidst the laughter and jeering of the seniors(now Year6)

and Emil emerges triumphantly, the damper successfully repaired

-

and another 3 hours with Tim

-

yet you can't even give God a minute... alone with Him..

-

why?, an excuse that you're tired. there's Chinese B exam tmr, you need to sleep?

-

---

while the festivities carry on outside, a supposed early celebration of birthday... I guess...

-

what an irony, the birthday boy is stuck in his room emoing at his comp...

-

sighz...

-would tmr be sad or happy? 

I wonder

Not to us, but to You be the Glory

somehow... I wonder, the events of today... for it all... you wonder... it seems so much like a dream... that... tomorrow, i wonder.... when i wake up... would it be another Thursday again... or Chinese B exams on Friday...

-

reconciliation, true... 

friendships, beautiful...

music and songs... the wonder of a God who made all things

and a God, whose faithfulness extends to the sky... and whose love is higher the highest mountain, deeper than the deepest ocean, 

-

A song written ... the sincerity of it... 

-

and God looks at the heart... and I guess... 

-what's there to laugh about?

and as Tim and I helped out with sorting out the chords and such...

Best Friend Forever

-

Life may pose us problems

Friends may turn away

But the good Lord is with us

He is here to stay

 

Though we may not understand

Why some things may happen to us

Still we learn to have faith

and we continue to praise

 

Chorus:

Jesus

You'€™re the one who picks me up

You'€™re the only one that can shield us from all storms

I don'€™t have to doubt Your power at all

because You are king

and You'€™re my best friend forever!

Sometimes People may forsake us

Grades may fail, even friendships rust

But amongst all these

I still believe

©2007 Amanda Goh

-

---

-

I know things still are fragile...  the rebuilt friendships and such

-and how about Eve...

Lord give me the wisdom and discernment...

-

but in the end....

all Glory to Him, and  all thanks to him...

-

---

another recording of tim's song

-

check out Song4Him soon

I'll upload it when i got time

-

yet 

" not to us Lord, but to You be the glory"

-

walking humbly before the King who made all things

-

even as the album project begins... even as God even begins His work, work with our hearts first

-

and that He may be glorified, let man decrease, let You increase

-

Understand

Understand
(Heb 4:15)

Verse 1
There'€s just so much pain in this world
you wonder why life still goes
you really just do not know
you simply just don'™t understand

There€'s just so much sin in this world
you wonder how God could still love
while we do the things we should not do
you simply just don'€™t understand

Chorus 1
Yet there is God who understands
He'€™s waiting there with his nail-scared hands
His Name is Jesus.
He has already borne all the sin and shame
He took all of that pain
and He's just waiting there for us

Verse 2
There's just so much hate in this world
you wonder if there still is love
the love that God intends for us
you simply just don'™t understand

There's just so much darkness in this world
you wonder where is the light of hope
the light we are called to be
you simply just don't understand

(chorus)

Chorus 2:
Yes there is God who understands
He'€™s waiting there with his nail-scared hands
His Name is Jesus.
He has already borne all the sin and shame
He took all of that pain
and He's just waiting there for us

Coda
Jesus is the Way the Truth and Life
why don'€™t we come to Him instead
For He understands...

© 2007  Emil Ng

---

and you wonder what MSN nicks mean

-I don't understand...

but God knows... 

-

---

-when someone you care for is down

is ignorance really bliss?

-you dare not speak words of concern...

or merely delusion

-all you can do is pray.... , and I guess thats the best thing to do...

sighz

-

God cares and He understands everything..

-

---

yet Msn is a facade... 

- 

I know...

-

happy sadness ... the beauty of it

-

if I could...  I'll go wherever you go

-

yet we are called to be God chasers...

-

---

you know, even as friendships are rebuilt and repaired...  in a sense, thanks to the music album  project

-

we just left E.T. behind... to be repaired hopefully..

-

and yet things still are very fragile, 

-

sighz

its hard ...

-a migration of neurons to the front of the brain...

give me the strenght and wisdom Lord

and you're not alone...

Accountability... for frontline today...

-

anyway we had to share, the 2 of us... good friends since we meet in alpha in sec3, despite our school backgrounds, both from elite schools, ACS(I) and RI, both of us who been through quite some stuff in church for 2 years, in fact close to 3, and well... we some how, with our elitist personalities from coming from premier schools, we some how mixed quite well...

-

Raphael...

-

yet , when he started, to share more about simply the usual stuff we talk about... he already express views about being uncomfortable opening up more... I myself was  a bit too...

-

I suspected... haha... and true enough...

-

I sort of broke the ice... reminiscent of Tim's post... "what comes to mind when you have nothing to think about?"

-

"people"

-

"ha ha same for me... and its "girl" isn't it?"

-

and the ice melted... and you realised, your struggles and the emotions, you are not alone...

-

and very soon we both were laughing...  all the silly things we guys do... oh well ... and 

and lol the silly way girls respond also... roflmao

-

oh no... haha

---

in the end... God is enough,

-

and the choices we make... and choices that special someone of us makes, we need to respect each other's choices.

-

and yes... I just want to be friends... for now, because friendship is precious to me, i guess, i dunno if i show that i do like that special someone, i guess... I dunno if its alright? I do respect ppl's choices... and there is no need to feel bad about the choice one makes...  just walk closely to God, and know Him better... that is my prayer... for the people I care about...

-

---

yet sometimes, yah... emo... a bad thing to do, bad emil ...

-

I wrote a song some time ago, A Greater Love (Inspiration from John 3:16, 15:13)... in which I will refrain from posting the lyrics(think an XL blog's last song) except the bridge and chorus

it is a relatively emo song( not as emo as Xl's though) haha

-

Disclaimer: its fun to write emo songs when you are not feeling emo :) so dont worry about silly Emil

-

Chorus:

There is a greater love than this

that God would send His only Son

to die for our sins

and make us clean

There is no greater love than this

and I know when all is said and done

He loves me, and He loves her

-

Bridge:

And maybe thats all I need to know

That the greatest love that He's shown

Is enough for me, and for her...

you realise how emo ppls blogs can get lol..

doing a little blog link surfing

-

lol realised how emo some other peoples blogs are

-

lol

-

oh well

-

lets hope the hols will be fine..., haha

74

Invisible ink..., I dont want to be seen...

-

a wreck of a me, burnt out, at the last day of school...

-I know you're there

Oktober feast shall proceed without me

-but I'm too tired, I cant take it anymore

---

the annoying part of buses, is that, when ever you need 1 you never get one

-I respect your space... thats i didnt sit there

as the 963 laughed at me,  when i wanted a bus to KAP instead...

-Go and sit 3 spaces in front? Benlee what's that suppose to mean?

you, know, somehow....

-I wish..

---

while you go to the bleachers

-the 3 of us were the earliest

you wonder, there are ppl that dont really catch the point of the thing

-evelyn talking cock, yet i was glad... you were praying

while One way blasted off speakers at the fairfield nearby

-one way

the only way

-

---

-did you avoid me then?

the prayer for the songs, the conviction, to share

-how do I go about doing that?

you go up in front of them, you tell them about it

-I dont want to take the limelight...

amazing love, how can it be, that You my King would die for me

-I'm so insignificant

yet... ... a pat on the back by milk, a job well done, and  yet I felt so weak and so miserable,

-Lord I am nothing, nothing at all... 

-

---

many a time , people say that they honor God by doing well in studies etc...

-and when i say eternity is more important than now

yet many a time they compromise on God to do that

-my mum doesnt get it

how is that "honoring" God?

-my mum complains about Christians

many a time you see ppl calling themselves Christians

-zzz I cant take it anymore

yet they "look like the world, smell like the world, behave like the world"(Paul Washer)

-

why?

-

---

everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Give me your Strength Lord, 

-primers challenge.... hmm...

Choices

choices are many,...
yet few are right,
choices have consequences
choices ...
-love is a choice
you know, sometimes, we make stupid, or wrong choices and decisions, like some have chose to defile themselves with drugs or porn, or computer game addiction,(touch <3>
-
yet God gives us the grace to pick us up
-
yet sometimes, I wonder, we sometimes do this
-
" I'll make this choice Lord, But if it goes wrong, you pick me up "
-
"its like jumping into a pit and asking God to pull you out"(tim)
-
yet if we choose to surrender our will to Him, and let Him make the choice,
-
yet how do we know what His will , His choice is? after all, we still execute the choice
-

---

about scissor stabs and the ridiculously exaggerated touch video,
-
about people dozing off in bio class while ruma talked about error bars
-...that tired?... oh well

---

choices, have consequences,...
some choices i made might have lost me a few friends i dunno,
-

---

friendship is a beautiful thing, and you know, friendships, to me, are more valued than the other form of relationships that so many seek and want..., friendship need not be exclusive, yet... so many of us hanker after the exclusive one to one relationship with that special someone
-
yet God with us,
what a Friend we have in Jesus
-
yet
"you shall have no gods before Me",
"love the Lord with all your heart..."
Jesus I am so in Love with You
-
Love is beautiful also, yet, like the most beautiful rose, there are thorns
-

---

sometimes, maybe... knowing the way is about as important as knowing the destination, along the way, you have choices, and you need to make the right choices
-I don't think she was that blur,
"enter through the narrow Gate(destination) ... ...but small is the gate and narrow the road(way) that leads to life, and only a few find it."(Matthew 7:13-14)
-she knew all along..
show me Your way
-yet I wonder why? ...

---

and me and tim, after our long spree of recording,
after the time I spent on mixing the sound
and uploaded them, not unto putfile.com
-
but unto this site http://songs4him.wordpress.com/
-
and I hope it will be a blessing to all of you.
-

Teddy Bears and Teddy Stares( and glares)

"that boy playing with the teddy bear stop playing its very rude"(Maria Nathan glaring at me)
-
that was embarrassing ... ... ..., I suppose squeezing Brandy while laughing because the bunch of ppl behind me were doing the stuid King lear quotes('Base base bastardy base' 'nothing will come of nothing')
-
of course the question would be , why bring the stupid teddy into the LT in the first place, well
1. they were having an english paper review(which explains the excessive use of assonance, and a consistant rhymn scheme ababb)(ok i'm not making sense)
2. the classroom was locked, which naturally meant i couldnt put the teddy back into my bag
-
oh well =) it was fine in the end...
-

---

anyway came to school today to see a bunch of walking zombies ( Tessa looks like someone punched her in both eyes lol)
-
apparently oktoberfast aftermath...
-
Tim was super tired as well
-
and I saw a pile of bags, no one else...
went over to sac for a while, came back to see amanda G sitting at the pillar reading a chinese book (chinese!!?)
and John Tay /TIm arrives, Tessa comes along, Christina, and the usual crowd
-
Come and heal our Land
-glances... i wonder why?

---

and SAT breifing for most ppl, while I'm not involved... hmm... CnC, but I dunno
computer games have lost their fun since this year..
-
of course hearts and bridge, but Willam 来 (Lai) 没收(confiscate)
-
so its nothing but stonning..
-
I hope I havn't started to slip back into the quiet , apparently depressed emil(like march april), but there seems to be warning signs
"Emil are you alright?"(Marcus chua)
" oh I'm fine... why?"(me , and I smile back)
"oh you looked very sian"
-
anyway you rather have a quiet emil or a emil who puts a facade of crazy eccentricity?
-

---

Khon Kaen...
-is it possible for God to convict someone
in december, after 1 .5 years since the last trip,
-that you want to go? other than it would be spiritually eyeopening
and remembering Milk, and the trick he played the other time...
-or maybe you just want to spend time...
i dunno... church camp, cant go for both =(
- other commitments?
sighz

The Walking dead & a torn heart

sometimes you see the people around you, joking, laughing, going about their lives
-
yet inside, many of them, yes , even those who profess faith in Jesus Christ, many of them are like the walking dead, destined for an eternity in hell
-
and it hurts... so many of the people we see are deceived, that simply by saying you believe in this man called Jesus Christ, gives you an automatic entry into heaven
-
we are saved by faith yes. but this faith must be preceded and followed by repentance.
-
and true faith is accompanied by works, faith without works is dead
-
but Lord I wonder, how much of this is genuine, this burden, this heavy heart?
and how does one do this not from one that is condescending, as if I, a supposed, "holy holy" nonsense, yet I am nothing either, we all are equally wretched, yet saved by His Grace
Yet how can one manage to be burdened by 1 person exclusively so easily, yet in only feels for the school only in the rare moments like this

---

Come and Heal Our Land

Verse 1:
Here we are Lord, waiting for your Holy Spirit
Here we are Lord, waiting for your Holy Fire
We have lost our first love, Lord have mercy on us all
Fill us again
-
Chorus:
Hear us when we cry out
Come and heal our Land
Forgive us of our sins and
Live in us again!
-
Verse 2:
Create in us a clean heart, as we turn to seek Your face
Create in us a clean heart, please don’t cast us from your presence
One thing we desire Lord, to dwell in your holy place forever
Take us again
-
the song tim and I penned down on 16 February, it was an emotional turmoil of a week for me, yet God still was a comfort
-
One thing we desire Lord, to dwell in your holy place forever
-
tim already did the first verse and the chorus, and the second verse, Psalms 51, which I was around with him, after sharing about the thing that was troubling me greatly,
while 2 other ppl were receiving counsel from Wesley and K, the rule was broken, while... broken
-
and we had our prayer meeting later, and... tears... and ...
-
and yes, i found out something, but, it didn't help much...
-
memories...
-
yet Lord, send revival, send revival into our hearts and the school, and awaken the dead, to truly be alive again in Christ

---

and today
-
worship, heart of worship
-
the word was surrender, and surrender is hard to grasp, to simply put every thing in the trust of God, and trust Him
"though i'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours, every single breath"
-
while John Tay and Daniel was doing evanglism later, and I was praying
-
yet.... oh no....
-
I wanted to talk, but I'm supposed to pray, how does one heart be torn into 2? Service and love to God , or...
-
oh well
-
surrender...
-
I wish my heart wasnt torn into 2 sometimes. you don't know what to do, or maybe you do, yet you want something else
-
maybe, "love God wholeheartedly" , its easy to say
-
yet we remember that passage in Luke 14:26 or Matthew 10:37
-
If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.(Luke 14:26)
-
"He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.(Matt 10:37)
-
Can my love for God be more than that of anyone else
-

---

oh well
-
surrender... help me to do that. not my will but Yours be done