1.5 years on....

'But I guess it would be naive of me to think that it means God is going to answer me with a 'yes' anytime soon. But I guess: He has made everything beautiful in His time...'

I stopped blogging for a really long time, and the last post I posted was about SWAT. How apt.

The past week has been a whirl of rollercoaster emotions, from the strange and long conversation I had, the stress of having to do up my Final Week Project (supposed to be Final year, but whatever), the Holy week services that really spoke to me......



I still wonder if it's a 'wait' or a 'no'. I seem to be asking that question every single time...

and it does work out fine...

Thankful for my grades last sem... at least I didn't screw up a 4 AU elective; so it wasn't a bad gamble...

A lots been happening since the last time I posted, from the KK13 trip being canceled, me going there alone in the end, and SWAT camp. Most of them aren't exactly fresh in my mind actually...

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I guess the thing that's still quite fresh and raw is probably the SWAT bible camp, it was really almost nostalgic being among all the NUS VCF people, and striking similarities with the ACS(I) Christian culture I was accustomed to 5 years ago. I didn't exactly go for the camp completely willingly – much of it involved a sense of obligation I guess. And I didn't expect to learn anything much knowledge wise; IBS, Hermeneutics  and close bible reading was a skill I acquired many years ago. The encouragement I got from the community of Christians there was rather uplifting though.

And I guess the very short but strange experience I had on the last night. I was busy as usual, packing up all the logistics is preparation for the departure the next day. Then one of the VCFers, I think her name was Esther or something, came up and offered to pray for me. I never said more than a few sentences to her before that, but I thought why not. Interestingly the last time I had people praying for me was a really long time ago. Somehow that culture we had in ACS(I) never got brought over to elsewhere in NTU.

I would then expect a relatively complete stranger to actually ask me if I had any prayer requests, but she just dived straight in. And the most shocking/surprising thing about it that she prayed about stuff that was very much on my mind, including stuff I wouldn't normally dare to share to people about. So instead of the generic prayer I was expecting, I had something very much more personal, even without me saying anything before that.

I guess it's a testament to how God truly knows us better than we do, as well as the work of Holy Spirit in revealing things unseen. Although I guess I've been leaning closer to the conservative end of the theology spectrum..., despite first accepting Him in a AOG Pentecostal church at the start.

But I guess it would be naive of me to think that it means God is going to answer me with a 'yes' anytime soon. But I guess: He has made everything beautiful in His time...

'i'm sure everything will work out fine'

'But the principle of induction is not justifiable. Doesn't mean that what worked out in the past will always work out in the future. '
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'it's not a principle'

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I''m worrying about many things, whether I can maintain my grades with difficult math mods this sem,

whether I'll end up messing up and ruining everything...

Of course there are moments of temporary assurances

Yet I'm still worried and wondering

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I'm thinking would be nice to cover and record this song... it's nice and simple

Sovereignty

With a weak view of God's sovereignty, we crumble easily when difficulties come. We need to remind ourselves that He is sovereign over the passage of history  over the history of nations, and over the history of individual lives. At the same time He is gracious and good, loving His people and offering grace to strengthen us and steel us in times of trouble...

We are called to stand and proclaim the gospel, because it is the great Truth which all the world needs to hear...

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.  Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

(Joshua 1: 7-9)

(Source: Brown L. (2010) Shining like Stars, p56)

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Despite everything around me...

...I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God (Job 19:25-26)

priorities

Looking back the past few weeks, routine has become a strangely asphyxiating experience.

I told myself, after everything's been said, that I want to keep things chill as it is.

Whether it be because of the long car ride towards Kranji beach, a confrontation at dawn, or just my general resolution and conviction about the matter. 

But yet it's so hard to regulate everything that happens, whether it be from that strange interrogative experience, or just trying to stop myself from doing anything silly. It's as if there's something within me that's trying very hard to repress my own thoughts, emotions and behaviours.

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Why perhaps? I'm pretty clear I don't want to get involved in this whole game at the moment, as if it could be trivialised as a game, with very real lives involved.

But that doesn't change very much the way I feel, and I don't even know whether it's just wishful thinking, suggestion or otherwise.

Unless God gives me a sure enough 'green light' and signal that's the way to go. And it's not easy to simply claim that one is so sure about God's will and calling after all...

not as simple as leaving sheep's fleece out at night and checking asking God to cover it with dew at any rate... not as simple as asking for open and closed doors...

but I wonder when is the right moment then? I think I need to sort out my priorities at any rate... Since there is a time and season for everything (Ecc 3:1).

with or without you...

and you give yourself away...

Testing the water

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds.And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land,beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them.And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 

 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Matt 14:22-33

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We wonder what is it like to be able to take that step and leap of faith, to walk upon the uncertain waves and wind in the midst of the storm...

It was after GCF dinner, and the bunch of us who left back to NTU had this long, strange and semi awkward conversation along the entire stretch of Pioneer Road. Somehow everyone like to put out this phrase: "Test the water first."

But in the end what really matters is the faith and trust in God that He'll make things beautiful in the right place and time. So I guess it doesn't matter how difficult and uncertain the road ahead may be, but the important thing, the crux of the matter is to really keep our eyes focused upon Jesus. Look around and one begins to sink.

A few weeks back, we heard what Dr Tan Lai Yong shared during FN. One thing really struck me:
if all our prayer requests seems to revolve around the mundane things around us, have we actually realised how much God's sovereignty and glory transcends all these small things? That the God who feels the birds of the air and clothes the flowers of the field will surely also provide for us who is worth more than the grass which withers and dies?

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So far everything seems to be working out better than I expected I guess. But there's always this unsubstantiated fear that somehow something is going to go crashing down around me one day again...

Atlas

Heaven we hope is just up the road
Show me the way, Lord because I am about to explode

House Ravens

If we’re not sure whether it’s wrong, isn’t it better to not even try?
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I said those exact same words. 4 years ago. How time has flown away...
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One realises that compromise slowly eats away at one’s resolve. Pretty soon, it becomes harder to draw the lines in the blurry mess things are. Where does one define the limit? And how does one differentiate between black, white and grey?

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I remember recoiling in disgust after realising psychology was going to involve one of my worse IB nightmares ever - math. At least that was how I felt towards the subject after 2 years of suffering with dreadful math portfolios and terrible teachers. But after the first 2 semesters of acing stats, and even suggestions from Daryl that I take a math module as a GERPE, I decided math, at least at uni level, wasn’t that bad.
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I guess 3 years ago, I would have thought the idea of taking a math core mod to be insane. Funny how things turned out the way they are - seems like I’m actually enjoying myself. Whether this strange gamble I’m taking with my GPA pays off is another matter.

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Things seem to be the same, yet different. I’m trying to hope and believe that history won’t repeat itself anymore. And that somehow everything works out for the better in the end, in school, ministry, work, and interpersonal relationships.

A pure heart

A pure heart, pure intentions… that’s what I long for…

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The past slowly fades from existence, as a new school year approaches. The past fears and hurts, which I never want to haunt me again.

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Somehow thankfully, it’s not exactly the same; and maybe that’s a good thing. Even as we came down to welcome the freshmen, as we hoped to inspire them, as seniors, we look back at the past few years of studying in NTU Psychology. It’s been a strange, bittersweet experience, with moments of euphoria, seasons of despair…

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I remembered saying naively in year one to my group of close friends on how we could arrange to go for exchange together. I guess that has happened, just without me included. Funny how it all started with myself, linking 2 separate cliques of friends in the same tutorial group together… before somehow I got pushed out eventually…

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Thankfully I’ve made other close friends along the way, in Hall, in CF… But sometimes I look back on that first year and wonder how everything changed; and we slowly drifted apart… even as I wonder who I would be studying together with this coming year, in which all the people I’m used to working with are gone…

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REM rebound

3 consecutive nights of lack of sleep, of burning hope, and of persistent self doubt
Is what marks the CFFOC camp this year for me I guess.

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The sense of what we achieved this camp is very different from what I remembered the last few camps to be. God may be doing something different this year I guess, hopefully this continues to grow and revive our ministry here in NTU.

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Yet I sometimes wonder and think: What have I got myself into?
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The burden of responsibility, the fact that very real lives are at stake in this ministry. The fact that although we seem to finally kicked off the ignition to start the community engagement ministry, yet I’m still wondering whether we’re finally moving in the right direction.

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And the uncanny semblance to some aspects of last year that I remember. I don’t want another thing to bog me down this sem, not when I just starting to come to grips with the past, not when there’s so much expected from me and for me to do.
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Maybe I think too much, but it’s still scaring me. The weird dreams related to CF and other stuff are starting to creep me out.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Trish mentioned the psych term which describes completely what i went through…
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putting a label on the problem might make things clearer
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but perhaps there’s a need to change lenses, to change perspectives…

PFOC

I seem all somber and can’t really laugh somehow...

I haven’t really moved one right? even with that unspoken consensus on where things are right now…

Thankfully I don’t need to say more than I need to.

Tired and hope everything is going to work out fine. I’m having difficulty managing so many different commitments, emotions and thoughts that seem to bombard me ceaselessly. All while trying to maintain a certain image in front of everyone. I somehow end up feeling tired, a bit hurt and a bit melancholic below that surface that everyone sees...

there's only

one thing more scary than running out of energy and being burnt out

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it’s running around in circles, because you dunno where to go, eventually leading to being burnt out…

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running out of fuel in the middle of the race

versus having a full tank of energy, but not knowing where to go.

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I admitted, this state I’m in, is a matter of not wanting to expose myself to be vulnerable again…

An unspoken consensus, with mild stabs of longing and resignation…

The Night Sky

Raffles Place at 9:45pm is a tranquil, peaceful and a refreshing place to be...

You shoot me down

but I wont fall...

The Lines

between sin and morality

between fear and love

between hope and despair

between truth and lies

between aspirations and obligations

between conviction and apathy

between reality and delusion

between friendship and romance…

The lines are blurring and blending and feathering, that our bruised, battered, seared conscience can no longer differentiate between the 2.

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I did tell you that if you’re not interested in it you could pull out…

But I am… just had so many things on my mind that I pushed this to the far back of my mine…

If you go to grad school…

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do you know any pretty girls in school?

why would you ask that question???

go get a proper job, stop wasting your time and money

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This is the correlation, of salvation and love…

Autobiographical memory

I guess part of the reason why I still maintain this blog after so many years(most of my peers stopped blogging a long time ago) is because I want to be able to capture the emotions and re-experience whatever's I've been through in my life. Episodic memory tends to fade off into obscurity leaving only the semantic information behind, an empty shell.

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Meeting up with the AC BB ppl in NUS last Saturday was a blessing in a sense. For our Bible fellowship, we did the same exercise I made my juniors do during CF FOC last year - share our testimony. Ding’s sharing was really encouraging, and I guess it was great being together with the guys after so long.

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I headed down to Jurong Point yesterday due to a need to stock up on my groceries as well as a craving for KFC. Along the way it decided to rain cats and dogs, so I decide to head down to Coffee Bean to finish up what was left of my Cognitive Psychology re-revision 2.

Hazelnut Ice blended drink, table with power; Good to go. Then…

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ความรู้สึกแปลกๆ

I’m tripping on words, you got my head spinning…

… I dunno why I’m letting it affect me so much, I was practically trembling and trying really hard to act normal… Dunno why this kind of situations keep happening to me even when I don’t intentionally go out to look for it.

I keep asking myself why I’m feeling this way when I have absolutely no reason to. Its like I’ve regressed to some secondary sch kid with unstable emotional capacities. Or maybe its a manifestation of neurotic anxiety… I dunno.

Thankfully this time I managed to compose myself; Keep calm and study on… Managed to finish up 2 chapters and at the same time gave help along the way as requested.

I wonder if you can read what I’m trying so hard to repress and hide…

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Anyway I guess. Have my thai paper in 2 hours, and I dunno what or how to study for it. Going to just go in, whack it and hope I pass.

As long as you are clear about it…

But I’m not, and that’s the problem...

Cognitive Triad

Got myself into a pretty confident start to the day, apparently managing to remember all the concepts i was supposed to know for HP3701, from the progress of relationships to models of positivity. So I decided a change of pre-exam routine was in order - Pitch-stop breakfast(instead of Palette), a quick stop at the bookstore to get supplies, and examination drink at Artease(instead of my usual Starbucks caramel macchiato)

Then somehow something snapped within me and all the positivity was drained out of me. Not to mention the very awkward waving to the Y1s only to have Pony recognize me and wave back(I took a while to register her presence... Opps, looks like all the TAs in NTU remember me very well even after I stop attending their classes.)

I ended up waiting silently for my drink and forcing myself to repress all the negativity. I guess I would have appreciated being able to converse a while and maybe self-disclose about the upcoming exam I had. But somehow it just felt so weirdly awkward and strange. I felt so lousy I didn't know what to say. I collected my drink and left off, contemplating whether to wave goodbye or just go away in some irrational fear that I would get ignored. At least Jolene noticed and waved back. Took the excuse to walk back(very strange behavior come to think of it), blurt out about my exam, and hurried off.

It didn't help that whatever came out for the paper wasn't what I expected, or that I had to do a question purely based on what I studied half a semester ago in Prof Ang's class because I wasn't expecting it to come out(didn't study it at all!), or that the paper was ridiculously hard. It didn't help that I felt so stupid for studying all the stuff that didn't come out. And it didn't help when I later realized I wrote 'Marcia' as 'Mowbrey'. Hopefully I get credit for describing the concept properly...

Thankfully, tea/lunch with CY and some of the graduating seniors after the paper managed to dissipate all the horrible thoughts and feelings I was having after that. Dinner with Aleem and Vicki, and teaching chi-sq to Aleem after that(within 15mins, compared to Prof Ringo's 2 hour lectures that no one understands ) helped to.

I realize this, somehow I'm suffering from chronic loneliness. Even when I'm laughing and surrounded by so many people, I still feel the same haunting feeling of being alone... I miss the closeness of friendships I had while in ACS...

Wait

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD...

(Ps 27:14)

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The ACS (I) auditorium(old) had a verse stuck to the wall. I remember doing my O levels there, gazing up and looking at it, not knowing where I would be after that...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways acknowledge Him

And He will make your paths straight.

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

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I'm still wondering where the road goes after everything... I know I shouldn't worry or think too much, but I keep thinking about the same old things. It's like I can't trust God anymore...

God has been faithful to me in so many ways. And there's a lot for me to give thanks for. But somehow the waiting has taken a toll on me.

Jesus, help me to have faith...